It's Not Easy Being A Cunt

Martha Stewart is caviar and champagne while Rachael Ray is a plastic cup of lukewarm Faygo and a plate of saltines with a melted Kraft Single on top. That's basically what Martha Stewart said about Rachael in a new interview with Nightline. Martha being a cunt is always a good thing.

In the interview, Martha said, "Well, to me, she professed that she could -- cannot bake. She -- just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She -- and that's not good enough for me." Martha went on to politely piss all over Rachael by saying that writing a cookbook is "a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone's library. Rachael is different. She is more of an entertainer ... with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be."

Translation: "Rachael Ray is a piece of trash used by a hobo to wipe his ass after a disastrous bowel movement."

When asked what she thought about Martha's remarks, Rachael said, "Why would it make me mad? Her skill set is far beyond mine. That's simply the reality of it."

Rachael may have a voice like a trucker who eats children, but even she knows not to fuck with Martha. Martha has been in prison! Bitch is gangster. Not only can she whip up a five-course meal on a radiator, but bitch can also make a shank out of a tampon applicator.

Once again, here's Kunty Karl on why some bitches are calling for a ban on "size zero" models:

"No one wants to see curvy women. You've got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying thin models are ugly. Fashion is about dreams and illusions."

Whenever I read a cunt-covered quote from our Uncle Karl, I immediately bring up a picture of Fat Karl. Not only does it massage my soul like a Vicodin pill dipped in vodka, but it also reminds me why this former fatty hates the BBWs so much. Karl would love to be sitting in front of the television eating chips, but if he wants to stay as svelte as a century-old corpse, he can only feed on the tears from his models and freshly grown pubic hair. Karl is just HONGRAY.

Source

Whatever was left of Jon Gosselin's nutsack is now gone thanks to my hero Nancy Grace. On The Insider last night, Nancy Grace destroyed Jon with her signature shank eye and words of cuntness. Even Jon's precious rhinestone studs stopped sparkling in the light, because Nancy Grace killed them! Yes, Nancy can suck the sparkle out of a gem. I am always in awe of her "ball-killing" powers.

Jon might not have any huevos anymore (AGAIN!), but Nancy Grace did rip him a brand new shiny asshole, so he can have a little fun with that. I'm sure Ed Hardy will custom make him a butt plug for his new b-hole.

And don't even think about the kinky things Kate Gosselin and her possum head are doing while watching this shit. This is like porn for Kate.

Fart away, JLo, because there's a new Queen of the Boogie Down and her name is Heather Mills (Dear The Bronx, I'm queefing out jokes, so please don't murder me with your eyes).

The Wicked Cunt of the UK dropped into the Bronx yesterday to open the first American branch of her vegan fast-food restaurant V-Bites (aka The Cunt Cafe). Heather is really trying to turn everybody in the Bronx into cardboard-eating vegans, because she's already donated $1 million in vegan food to underprivileged children there.

While I was doing research for this important story (because I'm a serious journalist), I found this hot quote from the New York Daily News. Last year, they asked some residents of the Bronx about Heather Mills. Lashawnda Floyd said this: "Yeah, that's the one with one leg or something."

And seeing Heather standing next to her vegan restaurant really makes me want to eat a hot dog wrapped in bacon and stuffed between two hamburger patties with steak gravy on top.

The ratings for Douche & Kunt Plus Hate are at their lowest ever, so it's no surprise that TLC is trying to save the sinking possum by making major changes. They announced that they are divorcing Jon Gosselin (sort of) and will now focus on Kate.

Starting this November, Jon & Kate Plus Eight will become Kate Plus Eight. I guess they didn't like my idea of calling it The Possum Hour of Cuntness. Boo on them. They issued this statement:

"The program will continue to capture the incredible lives of the eight Gosselin children and their family but will now include a deeper focus on Kate’s role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life. TLC will continue its exclusive relationship with Jon Gosselin and he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.

Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family. The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers. Additionally the network is in development on a Kate project for 2010”

Basically, Jon is going to be a special guest star in his children's lives.

While I think it was a good idea for TLC to temporarily remove the tampon known as Jon from their vag hole, I think they should fire the child army too. This show should only focus on Kate's acts of cuntness. They should put her in situations that really bring the cunt hurricane out of her. You know, send her to the DMV, get her hairdresser to accidentally shave off her rabid possum head or randomly throw Hailey Glassman in Kate's line of fire.

The show can also touch on her rabid possum's dark and dysfunctional childhood. That's the shit we (aka just me) want to see.

Jon Grosselin said he had to send his two doggy friends back to the breeder because Kate just didn't have the time to take care of their asses when he was busy slobbering on anything with nipples. In defense of Kate, working that famewhore stroll, making the nannies consider suicide and feeding her own possum head is already three full-time jobs. When asked about it at the Southern Women's Show in Charlotte, NC last week, Kate said that she just needed a break from them and they will be back whether they like it or not. Cut to Jon's dogs making giant sad faces.

Kate said, "He called the breeder and took them back for a short period of time. I'm feeling like I have not enough time to take care of my kids, let alone give the dogs what they need, and the kids surprisingly weren't that upset about it. They'll come back I'm sure at some point. But for now, I just needed a break."

Queefed like a true cunt. YES.

The Gosselin child army should always keep a packed bag under their bed for when Jon and Kate need a break and have to temporarily send them back to the IVF factory.

Kate also told a joke about how crazy the dogs are, "They sleep in a metal crate... a huge metal crate. They bent the bars and got out. I think in the winter I'm going to have them pull the kids in a sleigh." Oh, Kate, the dogs pulled a Hulk on the bars, because they were trying to get away from the madness (and your rabid possum head).

Since Keyboard Cat is still hungover from the weekend (yeah, he's an E! True Hollywood Story in the making), I'm going to ask the Riverdance Dog to tap Kate off. Tappity-tap-tap her off, RD!

VIA Radar

Self-proclaimed Spaniard Fishsticks Paltrows, or should I say Pescado Sticks, dressed up like a parched and constipated blue fin tuna to attend a fashion show in Madrid for designer Adolfo Dominguez yesterday. Fishy, who looked more severe than the stick up Heather Mills' a-hole, chi-chatted with the chicks around her. Now, Fishy says she's fluent in Spanish, but when she talks in any language we all hear the exact same thing: blahblahblahfartqueefblahqueefblahfart.

Fishy was probably yammering about GOOP this, GOOP that, GOOP here, GOOP there, etc... etc... While Fishy was farting at the mouth, every single person in the audience probably thought to themselves: "Coño!" JINX!

On Tuesday afternoon, Jon Grosselin took a break from wet humping on anything who doesn't dry heave when he touches them to pack up his dogs and send them back to where they came from.

Jon told E! News that he has no choice but to return Shoka and Nala to their breeder, because Kate Gosselin's rabid possum head won't stop biting at their anal glands and teasing them. Oh and Kate also refuses to take care of Jon's dogs when he's not there, because you know, being a cunt is a full-time job.

Jon said, "It's not fair to the dogs to not be wanted in their own home." Jon didn't say why he couldn't pay someone to take care of his so-called dog friends or even take them with him to his douche den. I'm guessing Jon didn't like it when they kept barfing up their insides while watching him get it on with his homely piece of the moment.

I guess Shoka and Nala are better off going back to there breeder. Now if only someone could cage Jon up and send him back to his breeder.

In case you missed it, here's Serena Williams doing the Dlisted mating call at the US Open semi-finals last night.

When the line judge called a foot-fault on Serena's second serve, she flipped the cunt switch, stormed over to the tiny little Asian woman and reportedly said something along the lines of: "I swear to God, I'm going to take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat." If was the judge, I'd immediately start playing with my nipples while wiggling my tongue at Serena, because in my circle that is a pick-up line! Don't threaten me with a good time, Serena! Feed me your huevo!

But the line judge didn't take it that way and she immediately went off to tattle-tale. Apparently, the line judge said Serena threatened to kill her ass.

Because of Serena's bitchburst, she was given a second code warning causing her to lose the match and the semi-finals to Kim Clijsters.

Now, I don't know anything about the rules of tennis, but I do know everything about the rules of bitchery and Serena followed every single one of them! Fuck this "1-love" shit. Give me more "1-I'LL SHOVE THIS FUCKING BALL DOWN YOUR THROAT" shit!

And at the press conference following the match, Serena stayed true to her bitch moves and didn't offer up an "I'm Sowwy." That's right. The line judge should apologize to Serena for turning down her piping hot offer. RUDE.

VIA ONTD

Three crew members who worked on both Transformers movies sent in an open letter to Michael Bay's official site (via ONTD) where they shat all over philosopher and feminist Megan Fox for calling Michael "Hitler" in an interview.

The three unnamed crew members (aka Michael Bay, his assistant and his publicist) are basically co-signing what most whores already think. They say Megan is dumber than a Snuggie, ungrateful, classless, a cunt of all cunts, completely talentless and that she should probably be doing porn instead of acting in blockbuster movies.

The letter is supposed to make you want to run for president of the I HATE MEGAN FOX fan club, but it actually makes me kind of like her stupid ass for a quick minute. I mean, she's dumb, she's a slut and she's a bitch. The dumb slutty bitch is my kind! It's like we were separated at the free clinic!

The entire letter is after the jump. It's long, but the pure cuntiness of it makes it a must read. JUMP!