It's Not Easy Being A Cunt
Chelsea Handler must not mind it when a scorned Brangeloonie leaves a severed Grey Goose (The vodka bottle, not the animal. That hurts Chelsea more.) on her doorstep, because she's still throwing shit at St. Angie Jo's glowing halo. Chelsea got banned from heaven's gates back in 2010 when she called Angie a home wrecking cunt during her stand-up act and the ho is at again. During an interview with More magazine (via Page Six), Jennifer Aniston's long lost sister separated at the tequila bottle farted at the mouth about how there's certain women that other women shouldn't trust. When More asked Chelsea what her idea of a non-girl's girl is, she summoned an ice cold, razor sharp side-eye from Maddox by saying this:
“Probably Angelina Jolie . . . She [Jolie] doesn’t strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with.”
Does Jennifer Aniston fill Chelsea's pool with top shelf vodka every time she publicly puts Angie's name on the bitch list, because damn it's like those two got a bet going or something. I love the shade of it all. But Chelsea doesn't have to tell us she's not ever going to make Angie a size -10 friendship bracelet, because we all know that she's the CEO of TEAM JEN. Chelsea hates Angie as much as she hates sunscreen and water that doesn't get you drunk. But does Chelsea know that Jesus transferred his powers over to Angie so that bitch can turn potatoes into vodka and Perrier into mimosas, because that could be a deal breaker.
Back in 2010, some of us developed an addiction to shoving Valium pills into our ears from listening to Mel Gibson pop his anus veins by screaming all kinds of beautiful romantic love lyrics at Oksana Grigorieva. Well, lube up your ear holes and grab a Valium, because Mel is raging again.
Joe Eszterhas, the screenwriter of the masterpiece that is Showgirls who wrote an open letter about how Mel Gibson is still Mel Gibson, gave The Wrap a recording of the glum cunt ranting so hard that he grew a hemorrhoid that eventually popped as he ranted some more. Joe was at Mel's house to work on the script for that movie about the Jewish Hero and Mel delivered one of his signature freakouts. Joe's son recorded some of it.
It's not like Joe should be surprised. If you're a guest at Mel Gibson's house, you should know that instead of turndown service and a chocolate on your pillow, you're going to get a kick to the soul and punch to the ears. If you don't need Mel's voice in your ears today, I've accurately transcribed his rant below:
"GAAARGAAARGAAARGRRRRRR WHY DONT I HAVE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE MACCABEES GAAAARRRR GRRRRGAAARGRRAAA WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING GGRRRRAAA GRRAAAGRR COCKSUCKER WHORE GRRRRRRGAAAARRR GRRRR WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO EAT GO HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT HURRRRRR AAAAAH GRRRR FUCKING CUNT COCKSUCKER WHORE AAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
That is totally what it sounds like when Herman Munster is trying to push out a hard shit. You know you've listened to too many Mad Mel rants when the only question you have is: I wonder what they were eating? I bet it was latkes. It was totally latkes.
Point A on the Google map above is the Stella McCartney store in West Hollywood and if you drag your eyes all the way across the street, stop to drop some water in them, drag them more, stop to wipe off the peon breath with a Chanel baby wipe and keep going, you'll eventually land on point B, Madeo's in West Hollywood. I know, can you believe they're in the same city?!!!!!. (Your eyeballs might need to catch a few breaths after going on that long journey, so take all the time you need before moving on.) If we can barely make that Lawrence of Arabia-like trek with our eyes, how can anyone expect cuntress of her own universe, Fishsticks Paltrow, to make that same journey in real life and on foot?! We shouldn't and that's why I do not appreciate this story from Page Six.
After the party for Paul McCartney's new video, a bunch of guests including Miranda Kerr, Jane Fonda, Orlando Bloom and Amy Smart walked 0.06 miles to have dinner together at Madeo's. As those suckers walked on the dirty sidewalk, Fishy and her asshole husband Chris Martin were chauffeured there in a Lincoln Town Car. Apparently, the car ride took all of 10 seconds.
Page Six thinks this is funny, because Fishy tries to be some kind of environmentalist and has done green public service announcements in the past. To which I say, um, Fishy does care about the environment. She protected the environment in the bubble that surrounds her and that's honestly the only environment we should care about.
Do you know what could've happened if Fishy went on the 3 minute-long walk all the way to Madeo's? She could've walked by a poor eating McDonald's. What if the poor coughed and she accidentally inhaled its McDonald's-infused breath? She would've had to go on a cleanse for at least 389 days to get the toxic-ness out of her pure system? Sure, her slaves could've carried her on a Versace throne, but what if a non-organic leaf from a non-organic tree brushed her face? Think of all the crushed diamond facials she would have to go through to get her face skin back to its pristine state? And Fishy can't set foot on a public sidewalk unless it's been power washed with Voss.
So really, Fishy did do her part for our (not her) environment. Think of all the diamonds and glass Voss bottles that were spared from her taking that ride in a Town Car. Speaking of, she took a TOWN CAR! Do they even make those in Europe? I swear, what more do you monsters want from this woman?
Bitches are just jealous because her carbon footprint was made with a Louboutin. Stay hating, poor whores. Stay. Hating.
When Mel Gibson announced that he was producing a movie about legendary Jewish warrior Judah Maccabee, anybody whose brain hasn't been logged with jacuzzi water could clearly see that he was only doing this to make people forget that he spends his off hours punching yarmulkes while sticking his nasty peen in a fleshlight modeled after Eva Braun's pussy. Well, Joe Eszterhas, the screenwriter Mad Mel hired to work with him on the script, just learned this BRAND NEW information and let that ho have it in a 9 page letter.
Clueless Joe from Hannibal, DUH should've kept it simple by simple writing, "Dear Mel, you're a glum cunt. Fuck off. I hate you.," but instead he detailed the reasons why working with Mel was the worst professional experience of his career. Warner Bros. rejected Joe's script and he blames it all on Mel. In the letter magically obtained by The Wrap, Joe writes that instead of focusing on the script, Mad Mel raged about murdering Oksana Gregorieva during ass sex (Side Note: Strangely enough, that sounds like a scene Joe Eszterhas would write.) and constantly referred to Jews as "oven dodgers." So yeah, it's just Mel being Mel!
Here's a few choice quotes, but click here if you need to say DUH on a loop while reading a 9 page letter:
On Mel's love of slurs: "You continually called Jews 'Hebes' and 'oven-dodgers' and 'Jewboys.' It seemed that most times when we discussed someone, you asked 'He’s a Hebe, isn’t he?' You said most 'gatekeepers' of American companies were 'Hebes' who 'controlled their bosses.'"
On how Mel thinks the Holocaust is basically a work of fiction: “You said the Holocaust was 'mostly a lot of horseshit.' You said the Torah made reference to the sacrifice of Christian babies and infants. When I told you that you were confusing the Torah with The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, ... you insisted 'it's in the Torah -- it's in there!' (It isn't)."
On how Mel is always just being Mel: “I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason you won’t make ‘The Maccabees’ is the ugliest possible one. You hate Jews."
On how Mel threatened to put a hit out on Oksana: “You were raving at Oksana even after you’d reached a custody agreement over Luci.... And then you were even more explicit about your threat: 'I’m going to kill her! I’m going to have her killed!' You said you’d become friends with two FBI agents (or former FBI agents) and they were going to help you to kill her.”
On how Mel is still as romantic as ever: “You said, 'I want to fuck her in the ass and stab her to death while I’m doing it.'"
Mel, his publicist and three bottles of Valium all got into a room together and wrote a calm open response to Joe and released it to Deadline. Mel says that Joe made a lot of that shit up, but he also apologizes for using "colorful" words.
I will acknowledge like most creative people I am passionate and intense. I was very frustrated that when you arrived at my home at the expense of both Warner Brothers and myself you hadn’t written a single word of a script or even an outline after 15 months of research, meetings, discussions and the outpouring of my heartfelt vision for this story. I did react more strongly than I should have. I promptly sent you a written apology, the colorful words of which you apparently now find offensive. Let me now clearly apologize to you and your family in the simplest of terms.
Contrary to your assertion that I was only developing Maccabees to burnish my tarnished reputation, I have been working on this project for over 10 years and it was publicly announced 8 years ago. I absolutely want to make this movie; it’s just that neither Warner Brothers nor I want to make this movie based on your script.
Honestly, Joe, not only was the script delivered later than you promised, both Warner Brothers and I were extraordinarily disappointed with the draft. In 25 years of script development I have never seen a more substandard first draft or a more significant waste of time. The decision not to proceed with you was based on the quality of your script, not on any other factor.
If Mel's "colorful" words were a Crayon color, it's name would be, Anti-Semite Sepia or Razzle Dazzle IHATEFUCKINGJEWS Rose.
What can you really say? I'd be more shocked if Mel Gibson didn't say crap like this. If you put a grey wig on top of Hilter's anus and asked it to frown, it would look like Mad Mel so none of this is surprising at all. I've heard that Joe isn't exactly as innocent and pure as a newly grown hair on a virgin angel's taint, but there's one small fact that leads me to his side.... THE DUDE WROTE SHOWGIRLS, all other arguments are invalid.
In case you haven't noticed by the dozens of "I'M PREGGERZ! ....AYPROOL FULLZ!!1!!#!!" statuses clogging up your Facebook feed, today is International Sike Day and so I'm looking at everything with an extra squinty side eye, especially after I tried to order Hungry Hungry Hippo for iPad. So when I heard a voicemail at Deadline of Chevy Chase mouth shitting out a fuck-ridden rant at Dan Harmon, I thought it was suspect at first. But then I remembered one very important thing: Chevy Chase is an asshole so it has to be real life!
Deadline and Reddit have both been following Chevy's feud with Community's creator Dan Harmon, which started when Clark Griswold had a diva meltdown during the last day of filming and stormed off of the set. At the wrap party, Dan got back at Chevy by giving a "Fuck You" speech and encouraged the entire cast and crew to chant "Fuck you, Chevy!" Chevy, who was there with his wife and daughter, once again, threw his silk scarf over his shoulder, arched his back and sashayed out of the party like a true diva queen!
Chevy later left Dan that voicemail (click here to hear it) where he said that he only stormed off of the set because he didn't get his script beforehand. Chevy then slightly tickled the edges of my bitch gene by telling Dan to "suck his cock" several times. Sources tell Deadline that Chevy has stormed off the set several times during shooting and they wouldn't be surprised if his character is written out of the show next season.
I don't watch Community (I know, I know), but I would watch a show where Chevy Chase STORMS off of the set over and over again. I love it when a mad ho STORMS out of anywhere. Chevy is known for being as pleasant as a urethra wart and he tried it with that voicemail, but he's going to need to come harder if he wants to win this bitch fight. Dan Harmon gets all the points for chanting "Fuck you, Chevy" in front of Chevy's family. That is the kind of cunt move that brings a tear to my eye.
Chris Brown, the crusty wart clinging to the ass lips of earth, is already a noted Twitter poet and so it's no surprise that he's a gifted wordsmith all the time. Contrary to popular belief, Chris Brown doesn't gets his hos by hitting them over the head with a club before dragging them to his cave up in the hills to rabidly hump on them. No, Chris Brown is a master of romance and knows exactly what to say to a lady to make her swoon from all her parts. Oh, did I say swoon? I meant that Chris Brown knows exactly what to say to a lady to make her spew out a river of barf that will carry her to the nearest nunnery where she'll open her life to the lord and close her chocha to ALL MEN.
I used to think that nothing could make me consider a life of celibacy (and this is coming from a whore who could easily find a way to fap to the Chyna sex tape) until I went to GrossUSOutWeekly and read the pick-up line that Fist Brown allegedly used on a girl.
Chris Brown -- who pleaded guilty in 2009 for felony assault for hitting then-girlfriend Rihanna -- confidently approached an attractive brunette Feb. 10 at the Lasio Professional Hair Care suite Grammy gift lounge and asked her, "Can I get your number? I promise I won't beat you!" the woman tells Us Weekly.
"He and his friends laughed, then one yelled, 'That's his new line!' Ugh! I wanted to throw up!"
In 100 years, the 2112 edition of Encyclopedia Britannica (Britannica is going to make a huge comeback, trust me) will cite Chris Brown's pick-up line as the catalyst for the infamous Running of the Clits. Seriously, I didn't even know I had a clit until it ran up my asshole after reading that shit.
And of course, Chris Brown's spokeswhore is denying that mess came out of his mouth: "I'd be surprised if Chris said something that stupid."
Yes, because Chris Brown never shits up piles of stupid:
You win, Chris Brown's spokeswhore.
But before we get into Kunty Karl's sorry excuse for a sorry, let's all read his original comment so we're all clear. Metro, where Karl was guest editor that day, asked him what he thinks about Lana Del Rey. This is what Metro published:
"I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She's not alone with implants."
Karl pretty much called Adele a butterbody and everybody read it that way. But after everybody threw shit balls at Karl over that comment, he suddenly grew a heart even though we all know his maker ripped out of his heart in an alley way in Transylvania a thousand years ago.
Karl has returned to the scene of the crime, Metro, and said that his comment was taken out of context:
“I’d like to say to Adele that I am your biggest admirer. Sometimes when you take a sentence out of the article it changes the meaning of the thought. What I said was in relation to Lana Del Rey and the sentence has since been taken out of context from how it was originally published. I actually prefer Adele, she is my favorite singer and I am a great admirer of her. I lost over 30 kilos over 10 years ago and have kept it off. I know how it feels when the press is mean to you in regards to your appearance. Adele is a beautiful girl. She is the best. And I can’t wait for her next CD.”
Ghoul, please. Put it into context or take it out of context, it means the same thing. I know Kunty Karl has 500+ years on all of us (not counting those years during World War II where his cryogenically frozen body was kept in an underground tomb in Austria somewhere), but he needs to stop acting like we were born yesterday. Even newborns who were born yesterday know that his apology is made of shit. I don't even know why Karl cares in the first place. Since when does the Dark Lord of the Undead respond to human emotions? If Kunty Karl is going to start caring about human feelings, then there's really no hope for cuntkind. I'll have to start calling him Karing Karl. The end of days, indeed.
The official speaker of the House of Death Eaters was guest editor for the day at Metro's Paris office and that means you better curl around his pristine white shoes, because he's dropping words of 14 karat kunt wisdom about everything from Adele's voluptuousness to how Lana Del Rey is basically a beautiful singing breast implant. As Metro's interns went out into the wild to catch teenage models for Kunty Karl to kill the dreams of for lunch (it fills him more than eating every will), the former fatty turned HVIC (head vampire in charge) had some shit to say about all sorts of topics:
On the sedated animatronic mannequin Lana Del Rey and how Adele needs to chase the pavement until it leads her to a Jenny Craig: "I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She's not alone with implants."
On how the men in Russia offend his zombie eyes: "If I was a woman in Russia I would be a lesbian, as the men are very ugly. There are a few handsome ones, like Naomi Campbell's boyfriend, but there you see the most beautiful women and the most horrible men."
On M.I.A.'s middle finger: "Nowadays people give the middle finger quite quickly – it's not the best behavior. Everybody does that, what's new about that? It's just become a bad habit. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women."
On how Michelle Obama's face is made of magic: "Yes he does, especially because of Mrs. Obama. I'm a big fan of Mrs. Obama – and her face, I think, is magical. He would not be there without her. Mrs. Obama is not a fashion statement, but she has other things to do. My favorite thing about Mrs Obama was when she was asked if her skirt was not too tight and she answered "Why you don't like my big black ass?" I want [Barack] Obama to win because there is nothing better anyway, and especially because of her."
On how you will never find him in a voting booth unless a virgin maiden he happened to be chasing ran in there to hide: "I never voted in my life. I will never vote. I know too much about politics from what's going on backstage. To vote you have to believe all that garbage that they promise you, and they can't keep those promises. If someone gave me an Obama pin, I would just put it on."
So if you're walking through a dark alley in Paris late at night and you hear a German cackle rushing up behind you, you better hope that you're a fat, knocked up, Russian male bimbo whose middle finger is always erect, because Kunty Karl won't dare feed on your ass.
Remember when Kristen Stewart got a whole lot of shit thrown at her face for basically saying that she feels like someone needs to hand her a rape kit after the paparazzi takes her picture? Well, she continued to whisper sweet nothings into the faces of the paparazzi in Paris recently. After the human version of a skater boy's scab signed a bunch of autographs, she turned to her soulmates the paparazzi and told them to freeze to death (at the 0:42 mark). That was an early Valentine's Day gift from KStew to the paps. You know, if the paparazzi took a few steps back until they reached Eastern Europe, they could freeze to death! That Kristen. So fucking topical.
In their ongoing battle to see who can be the biggest cunt in all the land, Madge has just jumped a million spaces ahead of Elton John with one little quote to Newsweek about her ticket prices. If you've ever complained about paying $300 to see Madge rub the dick muscle on her armpit (that is a dick growing out of her armpit, right?) against an 18-year-old backup dancer, then shut your mouth. Start saving your coins by only eating tap water and ketchup packets for the next ten months, because she's worth it. Newsweek asked Madge what she thinks about her fans complaining that her ticket prices cost more than some people's monthly car payment and the cunt angels sang her name when she said this:
“So start saving your pennies now. People spend $300 on crazy things all the time, things like handbags. So work all year, scrape the money together, and come to my show. I’m worth it.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love that even IN THIS ECONOMY, Madge is still a solid gold bitch to the 99%. But she does bring up a good point. Would you rather spend $300 on a leather bag you get to keep forever or do you want to spend $300 on watching a plastic bag thrust around a stage for 90 minutes. That's like a Sophie's Choice between a kitten and a Kardashian. But keep hustlin', Madge.
And here's Madge at a Super Bowl press conference today. If you're going to watch her halftime show, don't be surprised if a $300 charge shows up on your cable bill with the note: "I'm worth it. xo Madge".