Evan Rachel Wood
"Sorry to disappoint. But no baby on the way here" is what 25-year-old Evan Rachel Wood tweeted back in November after the paparazzi took pictures (see below) of her looking like a fetus just moved it and all of its things into her uterus. But a fetus was squatting in her womb at the time and apparently Evan Rachel Wood didn't know it. ERW said on Twitter (via People) today that she and her husband Jamie Bell will have a human ball of slobber in their arms in a few months.
Remember when i said, "No baby on the way here" Well, I didnt know there actually was! pic.twitter.com/wnig1nRK Thanks for all your warm wishes. We are very happy. I'm gonna be a mama!
That baby is going to the biggest hipster baby who ever hipstere'd. They will name it Quadrophenia Kale Wood Bell and its cries will sound like a Melody's Echo Chamber song and it will wear floral culottes, ironically.
I know Evan Rachel Wood is married to Billy Elliot and is now knocked up, but I still look at her name and instantly think to myself, "Gurrrl, you fucked Marilyn Manson."
It seems like it was five seconds ago when Evan Rachel Wood was making all of our body pores barf out liquid ewww by trying to becoming Dita Von Teese 2.0 while boning Marilyn Manson, and it was really only ten seconds ago when Jamie Bell was twirling and jete-ing as Billy Elliot. Now they're both all grown up and marrying each other! "Hello, OLD AGE, yeah, it's me, Michael K. So Billy Elliot just got married. Yeah, that means I'm coming to visit you any minute now. The key's under the mat? Great."
Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell apparently got engaged to each other last December and her rep tells UsWeekly that she became Mrs. Billy Elliot in California yesterday. Evan wore a dress by Carolina Herrera and Billy Elliot wore a leotard tuxedo with ballet slippers. They promised to love, cherish and not viciously murder look-alikes of each other in a music video. Evan and Billy Elliot started bumping nipples in 2006 after shooting a Green Day video together. Then they broke up in 2007 and got back together last year.
Only celebrities and bitches who want to save money on their wedding reception venue get married on a weekday. These bitches got married on a damn Tuesday. The easiest way to piss off one of my relatives is to get married or throw a party on a day that isn't a Friday or a Saturday. They'll have a stank look on their face the entire night and won't congratulate your inconsiderate ass. They'll be too busy being mad at the fact that they can't get to the final level of drunk on free beer, because they have to work in the morning.
At last night's TIFF premiere of The Ides of March, Stacy Keibler's temp job as George Clooney's piece of the moment officially started. I'm sure Stacy got a passing grade during her first day on the job review since she followed the two rules: try to look as hot as possible and swallow the word "marriage" if it ever tries to crawl up your throat and jump out of your mouth.
While wearing a 90s black velvet dress from the archive closet of Contempo Casuals, Stacy posed by herself on the stroll and kept her words to a minimum when hos asked about George. Like when People asked her what she liked about George, all she said was this:
Good answer, bitch. The professional trainers in the Hos of George Clooney Division at the Manpower temp agency trained her well. But the Miss Cleo in all of us (and there is a Miss Cleo in all of us) knows how this is going to play out. Stacy is all smiley and quiet now, but it's only a matter of time before she starts to get bold and casually lets out the danger word that forces George's b-hole to push out the strap-on and snap for security to bring empty cardboard boxes for her shit. Then before she knows it, Stacy is standing in the hallway of The George Clooney Halfway House For Dumped Girlfriends waiting for Sarah Larson to hang up the payphone after she finds out if her manager at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone is going to give her another shift.
Milk that shit while you can, Stacy. It's obvious who George is really going to end up with. No, not Brad Pitt. I'm talking about this loyal homegirl right here:
Your mama is going to make George Clooney happier than anybody ever could!
Here's more from last night's Ides of March thing. In order: Stacy Keebler Elf, The Clooney, Ryan Gosling with his mama, Evan Rachel Wood (thinking she's Madonna at the end of the Open Your Heart video), Dave Matthews, Marisa Tomei and Kate Mara with Max Minghella.
If my fuck parts produced the L.A. premiere party for True Blood, ASkars, Joe Mangina-Jello and Ryan Kwanten (Beeehl and his soggy crepe-wrapped zombie face are not invited) would've shown up wearing only thongs made out of bloody vampire fangs and gold chains attached to each other's nipples, and they would've gotten ALL THE ATTENTION. But since my fuck parts didn't produce the L.A. premiere party for True Blood, those three showed up wearing wardrobe furnished by Pierre Cardin (Chuck Woolery shout out!). Instead, all of the attention went to Evan Rachel Wood and her Flowbee fresh haircut. BOOOO.
Evan Rachel Wood showed up looking like the Happy Hour-shift bartender at an L-Word themed bar and tells Popeater that she cut the locks that Marilyn Manson used to nibble pie bits out of, because she's really androgynous.
"I grew up in love with David Bowie. So I was always into very androgynous things. Guys, girls... I'm into androgyny in general. I'm constantly changing, I'm constantly growing. I think I'm a little controversial? I just try and keep some mystery, so hopefully people can't really put their finger on it."
You know what I want to put my finger on? Her tongue, so she can shut up with that "I'M SO EDGY! I'M SUCH A PRINCE SONG! I'M SO NOW!!!" crap. Bitch is about as mysterious as a pus-filled wart on Paris Hilton's labia. Bitch needs to change into a mouth gag and kindly sit down. Somebody needs to glamour A CLUE into that trick.
These little wet noodle hos think that if they chop their hair off and put on pants, they are suddenly the second coming of Tilda Swinton. Newsflash, bitch, looking like a recently divorced French teacher who came back from summer break with a "hot new" cut she got from the head stylist at MasterCuts is not EDGY. ........wait. Since I put it that way, maybe this is edgy and new after all. Carry on, Evan!
Here's a few more pictures from last night's premiere. In case you haven't been introduced yet: ERW, PAM!!!! with her husband, Ryan Kwanten, Joe Mangina-Jello, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, ASkars, Carrie Preston with Michael Emerson, Sam Trammell with his wife, Deborah Ann Woll with her guest,
There's good news for you hos out there who love it when your man gently taps your bare snatch with a taxidermy platypus (I've heard things), because Marilyn Manson is yours for the taking now that he's no longer spreading his clown make-up all over Evan Rachel Wood's inner thighs. Yeah, Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn have broken up yet again. This is what People is saying anyways.
The newly single Manson, 41, then hit the town Saturday night, dining at L.A's STK and clubbing at next door Boudoir with a group including a brunette named Twiggy and former Playmate of the Year Colleen Shannon.
"They just broke off their engagement, and he needed a night out with friends," says another source.
Evan Rachel probably got fed up with Marilyn fake crying in the bathroom while trying to cut the lyrics to a Cure song into his arm with a plastic butter knife whenever she threatened to change the channel from The Munsters. And Marilyn got sick of Evan waking up every morning, staring at his face and then punching at her eyes before mumbling to herself, "You dropped ASkars for that?!"
The last time Evan and Marilyn ended things he paid tribute to their love by bludgeoning her look-alike to death in a video, so I wonder what he'll do this time. Eh. Even Marilyn probably knows he's getting too old for this shit, so I'm sure he'll just bludgeon a cherry pocket pie with his mouth instead. Good move.
Here's Evan Rachel Wood with Marilyn Manson on the set of her movie Sk8R Gurl: The Avril Lavigne Story. No, Evan is actually in the Bronx on the set of Mildred Pierce, but she really does look like the Abbey Dawn clearance bin at Kohl's jumped her ass and she lost miserably. You can find Evan scratching an Anarchy symbol into the plastic tables in the quad when she's not vodka eyeballing with the skater boys behind a Rite-Aid.
Don't ask me how Evan is still slurping on Marilyn Manson's peen. You know that shit leaves a film of rotten yogurt on the top of her mouth afterwards. And every time I look at Marilyn, I see Kristen Stewart in 20 years which is not a good thing.
Here's Evan, Marilyn and Kate Winslet walking around their workplace in NYC yesterday.
Evan Rachel Wood left STK in Los Angeles last night with her fiance Marilyn Manson (aka The Eater of Dreams) and she tried to look like she was not trying to show off her engagement ring. Bitch please. Stop trying to be slick. Just keep Marilyn busy in the backseat of the car by giving him a wrapped twinkie, and then proudly show off your stupid ring to the cameras. Marilyn wouldn't mind, because I'm sure he made the ring himself using the crushed bones of vampires and rock candy.
And I really wasn't joking when I called Marilyn The Eater of Dreams. I mean:
If the townspeople of Springwood threw powdered donuts at Freddy Krueger instead of burning him, he would look just like Marilyn Manson. 1...2..Marilyn's coming for fondue....
Evan Rachel Wood, 22, and Marilyn Manson, 41, barely got back together last month, and The Mirror is saying they already engaged to be married. A source says that at one of Marilyn's shows in Paris recently, he asked Evan to be his wife. Evan, who was probably high from constantly inhaling the Wite-Out he uses on his face, said "Yes."
Nothing good can come of this. Let me rewind.... the only good thing that can come of this is the wedding. That will be like an Emo kid's Halloween-themed MySpace page come to life. Think Platinum Weddings: The Hot Topic Edition.
Instead of releasing doves into the sky, Marilyn will bite a dove's head off Ozzy-style and spit it at the mother of the bride. Instead of kissing the bride, Marilyn will cut the bride and drink her blood. Instead of Evan carrying a bouquet of fresh roses, she will carry a bouquet of dead roses and baby doll heads. Instead of riding off in a horse-drawn carriage, they will ride off in a coffin on wheels. And does anyone know if Forest Lawn hosts weddings?
Marilyn Manson recently released a music video where he beat and murdered an Evan Rachel Wood look-alike. Well, that must have made filled Evan Rachel's heart with rainbows and pink kittens, because she has gone back to him. Yes, Evan went from Marilyn Manson to Shane West to Alexander Skarsgard and back to Brian Hugh Warner for an encore. There's something wrong with that equation.
In an interview with Metal Hammer (via ONTD), Marilyn bragged that he's back with Evan, “I think I’m not afraid to be me. Sometimes it happens when you get to this point in your career, and there are so many things that have happened and influences that you’ve had, besides the influences of the things that have inspired you. Sometimes you feel awkward being what you’re best at, you feel like you have to be something new. But I think that a lot of people will agree that me being me at my best is what I need to be. I think that that really paid off because I’m back with Evan, that’s kind of breaking news, you can be the first one to say that.”
Marilyn either eats snatch like it's pie, or he cums pie. OR BOTH! Because Evan is always running back to him like he's the only creature on Planet Earth that can make her pussy barf in ecstasy. That still isn't a good enough reason. Somebody needs to tell Evan that the vagina should always move forward, not backwards onto a peen you've already hit! Especially a peen that belongs to Marilyn Manson. Bitch needs a friend!
Sookeh and Beeehl aren't the only hos who are banging beach other after meeting on the True Blood set. Lainey Gossip says that Evan Rachel Wood and Alex Skarsgard have been fucking on each other for several weeks now. Do you hear that scraping sound? It's thousands of crazed fangbangers sharpening their shanks! Although, all they have to do is throw pie filling on Evan Rachel Wood and invite Marilyn Manson over for dessert. Bitch be gone!
Apparently, Evan and Alex have kept it on the down low by only hanging out together at non-famewhorey places in L.A. This past weekend, Evan flew to Shreveport, Louisiana to be with Alex. He's there shooting Straw Dogs with Kate Bosworth. Below is a picture of their asses walking down the street in New Orleans. Yeah, this isn't proof enough for me. If I was Evan, I'd be all over Alex's lingonberries all the time. Even in public. My legs would be wrapped around his shoulders and he'd have to carry my ass down the street like that. Evan's crotch area looks a little too calm.
If this shit is true, you know Evan Rachel Wood only went on True Blood to lick on Alex's piping hot Swedish meatball. I really have to stand up and applaud her ass for that. Bitch saw the goods and she got 'em. That is how it's done.
Image VIA ONTD