True Blood

Alan Ball's never-ending quest to fill True Blood with more man meat than John Travolta's Scientolohole continues. The True Blood men's gym, where Pam cracks a whip at man pieces while they do a million crunches in between takes, is about to get another member. TVLine is saying that Chris Meloni is in talks to return to HBO where he can proudly get dick out nekkid without censors clutching their rosaries.

TVLine's source says Chris might play an "incredibly powerful vampire" who is a major part of next season. HBO is closing their lips to this rumor.

Every time I blink, True Blood's moved in a new damn character. Characters are falling out of the sky on that show. Bong smoke has eaten away most of the memory chip shoved into my dead brain, so I have a hard time keeping track of all those new bitches. BUTT! I will approve of this if Alan Ball does the right thing by casting Chris as Count Cockula, a powerful vampire who only wears a cape and can only receive nourishment from sucking on the dick veins of werewolves (see: Joe ManJello). What I'm getting at is that Alan Ball better not give us another hot piece who slobbers over Sookeh's fairy pussy. I can't.

If my fuck parts produced the L.A. premiere party for True Blood, ASkars, Joe Mangina-Jello and Ryan Kwanten (Beeehl and his soggy crepe-wrapped zombie face are not invited) would've shown up wearing only thongs made out of bloody vampire fangs and gold chains attached to each other's nipples, and they would've gotten ALL THE ATTENTION. But since my fuck parts didn't produce the L.A. premiere party for True Blood, those three showed up wearing wardrobe furnished by Pierre Cardin (Chuck Woolery shout out!). Instead, all of the attention went to Evan Rachel Wood and her Flowbee fresh haircut. BOOOO.

Evan Rachel Wood showed up looking like the Happy Hour-shift bartender at an L-Word themed bar and tells Popeater that she cut the locks that Marilyn Manson used to nibble pie bits out of, because she's really androgynous.

"I grew up in love with David Bowie. So I was always into very androgynous things. Guys, girls... I'm into androgyny in general. I'm constantly changing, I'm constantly growing. I think I'm a little controversial? I just try and keep some mystery, so hopefully people can't really put their finger on it."

You know what I want to put my finger on? Her tongue, so she can shut up with that "I'M SO EDGY! I'M SUCH A PRINCE SONG! I'M SO NOW!!!" crap. Bitch is about as mysterious as a pus-filled wart on Paris Hilton's labia. Bitch needs to change into a mouth gag and kindly sit down. Somebody needs to glamour A CLUE into that trick.

These little wet noodle hos think that if they chop their hair off and put on pants, they are suddenly the second coming of Tilda Swinton. Newsflash, bitch, looking like a recently divorced French teacher who came back from summer break with a "hot new" cut she got from the head stylist at MasterCuts is not EDGY. ........wait. Since I put it that way, maybe this is edgy and new after all. Carry on, Evan!

Here's a few more pictures from last night's premiere. In case you haven't been introduced yet: ERW, PAM!!!! with her husband, Ryan Kwanten, Joe Mangina-Jello, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, ASkars, Carrie Preston with Michael Emerson, Sam Trammell with his wife, Deborah Ann Woll with her guest,

True Blood starts making genitals howl again this weekend and Joe Manganiello is selling that shit hard by flexing every single one of his rock hard ab biscuits in the pages of GQ Magazine. Yes, Joe Mangina-Jell-O probably keeps his fiancee up from doing crunches in his damn sleep and breaks her nails on his six-pack when he flexes too fast while she's riding on top, but her insomnia and cracked Press-On nail is our gain!

Anybody who has ever licked on a He-Man action figure is probably making the "MY BODY IS READY POSE" in their cubicle like those half-nekkid ass models above.

True Blood's Nest organized a battle between Vampire Beeeeehl and ASkars to see who could suck out the most money for charity. The loser had to pose for a picture while wearing a t-shirt designed by the winner. Well, as you can tell by the fact that your khakis are around your ankles and a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign is hung over your cubicle wall, Vampire Beeehl's team won and he forced the Swedish meatball to pose in a pink "Bill's Bitch" t-shirt.

Beeehl raised $35,043 for the Gulf Relief Foundation and ASkars raised $34,223 for SOS Children's Villages.

These pictures are definitely worth a thousand words (and other things). And they're even worth more if you pull the camera back with your imagination and picture Beehl standing on one of Tommy Girl's apple boxes to kiss his Swedish bitch. Now who's the real bitch, Beeeeehl?

via ONTD

Pop the sparkling True Blood (or just add a drop of soda water to your Sunday Bloody Mary), because Sooookeh and Beeeeeeehl Compton went and got married! To each other! That means your religious grandma doesn't have to hide her eyes with a bible when Sookeh and Beehl hump the crotch patches off each other in True Blood, because they married now. Yay! We can all enjoy Sookeh and Beehl's bloody fuck scenes together now!

UsWeekly says that Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer became husband and wife last night at a private house in Malibu in front of friends and family including Elijah Wood, Denis O'Hare, Alan Ball, Carrie Preston and her husband Ben Linus from Lost. Yes, this confirms that Ben Linus is EVERYWHERE. You're not just seeing things.

This is the first marriage (I think) for both Anna and Stephen. Stephen has two chirruns from two previous relationships.

There aren't many details on Sookeh and Beehl's wedding, but the only thing I want to know is if Lafayette was the flower gay and gave shade down the aisle while throwing deep fried onion blossoms from Merlotte's as Tara's mom and Randi Sue hummed the wedding song.

Oh and somebody should let People Magazine know that when they buy the TOTALLY EXCLUSIVE pictures from Sookeh and Beehl's wedding, they should just use a half-naked picture of ASkars as their cover. That's all anybody (aka probably just me) wants to see anyways. They can have him cover up his downtown Swedish dreamland with a ring bearer's pillow to give it that wedding feel.

UPDATE: Here's some crystal clear pictures of Stephen Moyer and some of his guests running into the ocean after he got married. And are the two chicks in the band doing the robot? This wedding....

Because True Blood is quickly showing Skinemax how soft core porn is really done, here's Eric, Sookeh and Beeehl all bloody and nekkid ass nekkid on the cover of Rolling Stone. Let's just say they're actually covered in Blood Mary mix. Throw ASkars into a tub full of vodka, stick a piece of celery in his no-no, grab a giant straw, dip it in and just keep sucking!

Some of you might give this cover the "GROSS" label because they are splattered in blood, but it doesn't matter to me. If ASkars was covered in bits of CROCS, UGGS lint, CHERYL BURKE'S dandruff, and White Oprah's 100 proof boogers, I'd still say goodnight and close the door. I don't think I'm alone in that either. I have a feeling that thousands of copies of this mess will get covered in more than just blood. Laminate it first!

via The Frisky

Either Snoop Dogg is a genuine fanboy who won't even blow weed smoke towards the TV screen when True Blood is on or he needed a quick check, because he's going hard for Sooookeh in this tribute music video to her. The only thing that would've made this better is if Snoop gave those back-up dancers in the broke down Kim Zolciak wigs the day off, and let Lafayette swish and drop his honey buns in the background instead.

(Thanks Grace)

Tell everyone in the office you're taking a long break, close the door to your cubicle office, keep a box of tissues close and enjoy these covers of Details Magazine featuring the hot pieces from True Blood (sans Lafayette). Afterwards, write an apology note on a Post-It to the office cleaner letting them know that you accidentally got a little blue cheese dressing on your chair.

And if you need me, I'll just be sitting here waiting for the coming of the multiple male orgasm.

When I first read the headline, "True Blood Stars Says 'I'm Bi-Sexual,' my genitals went numb thinking that Alexander Skarsgard announced to the world that everyone has a chance at his scalding hot Swedish blodkorv and meatballs! Well, my no-no will continue to hold its breath (don't visual that), because ASkars isn't the True Blood star who has come out as a bi-sexual. Anna Paquin is the one who announced that she loves the cock and the cooch.

In a PSA for the True Colors Fund, Sookeh proudly says, "I’m Anna Paquin. I’m bisexual, and I give a damn.” Radar has the video if you want to see it for yourself. A source also tells Radar that nobody at the shoot knew Anna was going to make that statement.

Sookeh is currently engaged to Vampire Beeeeeeehl.

Now back to Askars, we're waiting.....

EW's Michael Ausiello has gotten on his blow horn and is screaming that Alan Ball has cast the role of Debbie Pelt in season 3 of True Blood. After auditioning a ton of ladies, the role has gone to Brit Morgan who was in The Middleman and a movie called Beer for My Horses, which is going to magically find its way onto my Netflix queue.

In the books, Debbie Pelt is described as a psycho bitch who becomes Sookeh's arch rival. Alan said Debbie will be featured more in the TV show than she was in the books. I didn't read the books, because why bother when you can watch Alexander Skarsgard's nipples act everything out for you.

And since I become Dyslexic for has-been TV stars, I read the headline as: Morgan Brittany cast in True Blood:

I raised my hands and praised St. Alan Ball for bringing the 80s Vivien Leigh out of the halfway house and back onto our TV screens. Unfortunately, my orgasm died in a quick minute when I learned the tragic truth. Maybe Alan can dethrone Evan Rachel Wood as the Queen Vampire and place the crown on Morgan Brittany's head instead. Bitch needs a check!