thievery

Everyone knows that LiLo would empty a donation basket in her purse at Sunday mass, so I don't know why bitches keep inviting her to events at their stores. That's just asking to be cleaned out.

Pop Tarts says that when LiLo was paid to attend the launch of Jermaine Dupri and jewelry designer Pascal Mouawad's watch line at Kitson, she wanted a whole lot more than just a complimentary glass of champagne. Apparently, Pascal already promised her ass $500 worth of Kitson merchandise. When she complained that it wasn't enough, he upped it to $1,000.

After Hurricane Crackhead blew through the store and grabbed a bunch of shit, her bill came to almost $15,000. LiLo simply said that Pascal would cover the entire amount, because she was the only celebrity who attended his event. A source added, “Pascal said no, so she went and started talking smack about him to Jermaine Dupri who doesn’t even know her. He was totally bewildered and couldn’t believe it. Eventually Pascal said she could have $2000 to spend but that was the absolutely limit.”

When Pascal refused to cover the full bill, LiLo told one of the Kitson employees that they should give her the rest of the shit for free, because she's always been a loyal customer. She promised she would let the paparazzi take pictures of her holding Kitson bags.

In the end, LiLo was told "NO," because the employees couldn't get a hold of the owner of Kitson. She stormed out with her $2,000 worth of crap.

Hey, LiLo went from $500 to $2,000, so not all was lost. The next time I go to Tijuana (the home of wheeling and dealing), I'm taking this wreck with me. She can probably get a child to give up his box of chiclas and empty out his pockets to her. Bitch is a RUTHLESS bargainer.

And imagine her bargaining with her dealer? "If you give me this 8-ball for free, I promise to be photographed looking like a total gutter troll. I'm promoting your product!"

LiLo uses her fingers for all sorts of things (i.e. clitty tickling, cokey sampling, Twittering etc...), but using them to take out her to pay for things is not one of them. Usually, when LiLo snatches something, she just walks out with it like it magically dropped out of her snatch. But at Hollywood's Crown Bar last week, LiLo pulled out a different trick.

According to Pop Tarts, LiLo ordered a bottle of champagne towards the end of the night. When the cocktail waitress asked her to pay up for it, LiLo pointed at Kellan Lutz from Twilight and told her to put it on his bill. Shortly after that, LiLo waltzed out of the place without ever paying for the bottle.

Ha. I'm tempted to try that trick, but with my luck I'd end up in the basement of the club with two gigantic hairy men standing over me. It would not be rainbows and kittens. And I also really don't need another anal rejuvenation surgery.

Here's our little champagne robber at some party last night and also leaving Nachos' (Wonky's ex) house at 7 this morning. I will simply say that she looks like she recently had a whore bath in the sink of an AM/PM restroom, so she's looking better than usual.

Comedian Katt Williams was arrested last night for allegedly breaking into a home in Georgia and snatching a bunch of stuff. Katt's lawyer Williams Briggs tells TMZ that he has been set up! According to his Willy B, while Katt is shooting a movie in Georgia he's staying at the producer's home. The same home he was accused of robbing.

Willy B claims that Katt got into an argument with one of the producer's employees who lives in the guest house. Katt really must have made that bitch's balls boil, because the employee called the cops and reported a fake burglary. Willy B said that Katt has been staying at the house for nearly 3 weeks and was given full permission to be there.

And now you've just learned the fastest to get a bitch out of your house. The next time one of your fuck buddies overstays his welcome and starts yammering about brunch plans while cuddling (SHUDDER) with you, call 911. Tell them a strange man is robbing your ass. Yes, you will eventually be jailed for crying wolf, but at least you won't have to cuddle with a ho.

BONUS! TMZ also has a 911 recording of some 17-year-old boy claiming that Katt was holding him against his will. The call was made last Tuesday. The boy said that he was about to take a car to the airport when Katt showed up and wouldn't let him leave. Katt also threatened to beat him up. The cops arrived at the scene, but didn't make any arrests.

LeAnn Rimes already took a bull dozer to Brand Glanville's marriage by stealing her hot piece of a husband Eddie Cibrian, and now she's trying to take everything else. That's what Brandi told UsWeekly anyway. According to Brandi, she is currently starring in a life remake of Single White Female with her in the Bridget Fonda role and LeAnn in the Jennifer Jason Leigh Role. Worst remake ever.

Brandi said that LeAnn better back her coochie up, because she's getting way too close, "I have a new neighbor and her name is LeAnn Rimes. She's moved in a half a mile from my house and a block from my son's school. So she is completely space invading me at the moment so things are not cool. There is a point where she needs to have a sensitive side and back the F up. Honestly, she's Single White Female-ing me. She wants my life. She wants my kids. She wants my husband. She can have most of everything but just not my children or my family."

Brandi is being way too dramatic about this. I doubt LeAnn is stealing her life on purpose. LeAnn probably can't even see Brandi's life clearly, because her eyes are always in the damn squint position. Bitch can't open her eyes! Brandi needs to think about that.

And when is Eddie Cibrian going to start copying the life of LeAnn's gayfaced husband? We all want to know when Eddie starts trolling the glory holes and bleaching his no-no.

If you're ever in the company of LiLo, you better protect any valuable joo-ree you're wearing with The Club, or else you might not ever see it again! Radar Online is reporting that XIV Karats is getting ready to take legal action against Blohan, because she hasn't returned $2 million dollars worth of jewels she borrowed from them over two months ago.

XIV Karats kept getting on Blohan's ass to return their shit and she finally said that she didn't have it anymore, because someone snatched it from her safe. We knew this was coming. The source said, "Lindsay claimed that they had been stolen from her safe. They've disappeared. XIV are not happy about it. The jewels were in Lindsay's care and they were only on a loaner, they were expected to be returned. If something is not resolved soon there will be legal action taken."

Michael Lohan, Blohan's unofficial spokesbitch, defended his daughter by saying, "Lindsay didn't take anything from them. They lent her jewelry and she has to give it back to them. That's all I know. She has no intention of keeping any of it. So I guess they're sorting it out."

More like, "She's snorting it up."

XIV Karats needs more internet in their life, so that they could've known about Blohan's thieving ways beforehand. At this point, even Claire's won't loan her shit.

Here's White Oprah's child leaving Bardot in Hollywood looking like a freshly bloomed daffodil covered in spring dew drops.

Over the weekend, Blohan's Casa de Crackie was broken into and thieves snatched a safe as well as some other crap. Michael Lohan put on his obvious cap and said he believes it was an inside job. Michael plans to get to the bottom of it! Don't worry, Detective La Toya isn't going to waste her stellar investigative skills on this case. It's way too obvious for her.

Yesterday, Blohan co-signed her father's claim on Twatter: "that's how i know it was not a ROBBERY. electronics weren't taken... just things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me."

The Chicago Sun-Times says that some of those things that "meant a lot" to her include "very incriminating videos and photos." A source added that Blohan will be all sorts of embarrassed if any of it got out. FOR WHY THE EFF WHY?! We've already seen (don't click on this) Blohan's carniceria in all its gory, so there's not much else that can embarrass her even more.

On second thought, maybe they stole the director's cut of Labor Pains. If that's the case, then I'm scared too.

Now that Blaaaaake and Wino are officially over, he's queefing out a bunch of tales about their druggy shenanigans together and this one co-stars fellow professional snorter Kate Moss! A couple of years back, Blaaaake and Wino were partying it up with Kate at the Gramercy Hotel in NYC. The sweet nectar was flowing, but Kate was in the mood to go skiing, so she asked Wino to fish a bill out of her purse. Wrong move, Kate......

Blaaaaake told The Daily Mail, "Kate had told Amy to get a $10 note out of her handbag to snort lines with. But Amy told me she found two grams of cocaine in there – so she nicked them. We did some in the toilets and had sex, but we did the rest in front of everyone."

Good move, Wino....

Blaaake said that Kate never noticed, because she was under a booze spell as usual. But really, what's 2 grams to Kate? Bitch snorts that in her sleep.

And if BloHan ever invites Wino over for a "snack," she shouldn't be surprised if the little crackie shows up with a shopping cart.

Thieves broke into Orlando Bloom's Hollywood Hills home last night and made off with a giant booty of his family jewels! Yeah, that does sound like the beginning of a really hot gay porn movie....

TMZ says that robbers crawled into Orlando's house through a broken window and around $500,000 worth of joo-ree including two fancy watches. Orlando wasn't home at the time. The cops say it doesn't look like a normal burglary, but they weren't shouting "INSIDE JOB" just yet.

Hermmmm.... Did the cops find fake tan grease on Orlando's joo-ree box, because HoHan IS an expert at crawling through windows..... You know, it would be kind of hot if HoHan turned out to be some kind of cat burglar. Crackburglar!

And this is slightly off-topic, but whenever I read Orlando Bloom, I think of onion bloom, which makes me think of an Awesome Blossom, which makes me hongray. I'm thisclose to spraying an onion with Pam, dipping it in Bisquick and then microwaving it on high for 10-minutes. Sandra Lee would totally do that!

The overused powder puff that is Aubrey O'Day was walking through an alley in Los Angeles yesterday to go suck a cock for a half-eaten Happy Meal when a thief came out of nowhere and stole her clothes! Okay, okay, Aubrey says she was on her way to film something for the TVGuide Channel and she was carrying a bunch of clothes for the shoot. SO SHE SAYS. Aubrey tells TMZ that "someone ran behind me and stole everything I was holding."

Aubrey says that because she didn't have any clothes with her she had to wear whatever TVGuide gave her for the shoot. Uh...huh. It wasn't TVGuide was it? It was really for your Craigslist "adult services" ad and you were planning on only wearing a butt plug anyway. Nice try.

But on a serious note, why are people taking clothes away from Aubrey. Bitches always complain that she's running around nekkid all the time, so shouldn't people be GIVING her clothes? Shouldn't be there be a clothes drive just for Aubrey? The fucktardian who stole all her clothes is just encouraging her!