thievery

During this holiday season, two things have happened in Florida so far:

1) The top story on the local news was about two glamorous burglars stealing $500 worth of lawn ornaments. Also, it's pretty much impossible to point out the differences between the local news in Florida and Inside Edition.

2) The glamorous burglars in question stole the Christmas decorations (including a Mickey Mouse riding a horse, I repeat, a Micky Mouse riding a horse) from their neighbor's yard and then put that shit on their own front yard just a block away. Those dumb bitches should be thankful that what they lack in simple common sense, they make up for in GLAMOUR!

The moral of the story is, you really can't trust a ho who keeps a stolen shopping cart in her yard.

via Buzzfeed

Beyonce's (I'm too lazy to put a fancy accent on that e and bitch is from Houston!) video for "Countdown" is obviously made of equal parts Funny Face, Flashdance, a Gap commercial and a bunch of other things she watched while she heaved the morning sicks into a diamond-encrusted barf bin on her platinum throne bed. But somebody has put together this comparison video that I am presenting to the court as EXHIBIT A! The video is accusing Beyonce of copy and pasting the work of Belgian choreographer Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker and there's some shots that are almost identical.

This isn't the first time that Beyonce has been accused of sending Basement Baby to lift some shit in the middle of the night. When she was accused of Xerox copying the performance of an Italian pop star for her Billboard Music Awards performance, she said that she hired the same guy to do it and so it wasn't stealing.

But the evidence this time is obviously there. Lady Copy + Paste must've taught Stealyonce everything she knows. Charge her with felony grand theft, throw a Cell Block of Dereon jumpsuit on her body, plop a wig from the commissary on her head and lock her up! But mostly I'm just saying that because I really want the unborn golden child of music to be a prison baby.

via ONTD

Lady Gaga took a break from sucking the queef bubbles out of Madge's vadge and claiming it as her own, and instead Xerox copied some shtick from Bette Midler's act. Bette Midler has long done the mermaid in a wheelchair thing, and at a concert in Australia the other night Caca rolled onto the stage in a mermaid body bag. Caca's entourage got egged by a bunch of people who weren't happy about her glamorizing disabilities. (Sidenote: Bette Midler would never get egged, because it's obvious that she's sympathizing with disabled merpeople through her art.)

Caca also got egged again on Twitter by Bette Midler herself who was not happy about the blatant thievery. Don't screw with Delores Delago! I'll let Bette take it from here:

I’m not sure @ladygaga knows that I’ve performed my mermaid in a wheelchair for millions of people -- and many of them are still alive.....

15 Jul

Dear @ladygaga if you think a mermaid in a wheelchair seems familiar-it's because it is!You can see it on youtube 24/7-with ME performing it

16 Jul

Dear @ladygaga Ive been doing singing mermaid in a wheelchair since 1980-You can keep the meat dress and the firecracker tits-mermaid's mine

20 hours ago

Of course, a few Little Monsters displayed the love and acceptance their Mama Monster preaches by calling Bette a "disrespectful cunt" who needs to "STFU." HA. I love it.

Bette is probably joking, but I still say she should throw a net over that salty rotten kipper Caca and launch her jacking ass onto one of the Deadliest Catch boats. Until Ariel becomes a paraplegic, there can only be one mermaid in a wheelchair!

Here's Lady Xerox in NYC this morning.

Matthew Knowles looks like a shady motherfucker who would steal a fart out of a bitch's ass with his nose and claim it as his own, but would he actually snatch a dollar (or a few million dollars) out of his daughter's wallet?

The ceiling tiles in the basement shook last March when Daddy Knowles announced that he was no longer Beyonce's manager and the two were done professionally. Some figured that Tina Knowles slithered out of her lair of poor unfortunate souls under the sea and coerced Beyonce into pink-slipping her daddy, because he ruined the family by having a secret love child. But according to documents obtained by TMZ, Daddy Knowles was shown the exit door TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT, because Beyonce had reason to believe that he was stealing money from her.

Daddy Knowles denies the allegations and says that Live Nation wanted him out and came up with the story that he was grabbing money right out from under Beyonce's wig. He says that Live Nation scooped the dried wig glue out of Beyonce's ear and told her that her daddy took profits from her 2011 world tour. Profits that didn't belong to him. Beyonce believed Live Nation and told her law firm to audit her finances. When all was said and audited, her law firm confirmed that there was a thieving thief among them and his name is DADDY KNOWLES! Beyonce immediately fired him. The booming cackle let out by Tina Knowles was hot enough to curl every weave in a 5-mile radius. And yes, if your weave was among those who got curled, Tina Knowles will be sending you an invoice, because the bitch does not go unpaid.

Daddy Knowles is trying to clear his name and has asked a judge to grant him the right to take depositions from those involved at Live Nation, because he wants to know how they came to the conclusion that he's a thief.

Daddy Knowles stole his mid-life face from Squidward, so the emotion labeled "surprise" would not fill my body if this turned out to be true. But Beyonce getting mad at a bitch for stealing? HA. I guess she's teaching her daddy that you can't out-thief a thief! School him, Bey!

And here's Beyonce wearing her shopping wig while browsing the shoe section at Selfridges in London with her mama yesterday.

Jennifer Aniston has long been the go-to lonely miserable-ling and "Well, at least I'm not her" poster child for a bitches who can't get a man, but it's a new day! Jennifer Aniston is accused of being a homewrecking slut whore who used her jaws of life vagina to snatch a man right out from under another woman's body!

If you need Maddox, you can find him in the fetal position, fearing an uncertain future and contemplating the meaning of everything. If his arch rival Jennifer Aniston can successfully pull claimed dick to her side, does this mean that black is no longer Maddox's signature color or that he really thinks knives aren't not toys? June 14, 2011 is the day that Maddox either begins a pilgrimage to find the truth, or it's the day that his thoughts of confusion turn into bubbling rage and he uses that to lead his child army in a battle to take over the world and control destiny! Maddox Khan! But I digress...

There's been talk that Jennifer's new piece Justin Theroux barely broke up with his girlfriend of 14 years Heidi Bivens. Well, Heidi's rep says that "barely" should be bolded, capitalized, italicized and vacuum packed in uncoolness, because Heidi moved out of their apartment only 2 weeks ago. Jennifer and Justin met on the set of Wanderlust back in October, but they turned their relationship from co-workers into co-fuckers last month. A source says that Justin told Heidi he was just friends with Jennifer, but then finally came clean. Heidi's rep said this to Page Six:

"Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend. She has no comment."

A friend of Justin's said that the love between he and Heidi was over long before Jennifer came along. The friend also says that shit is moving fast with Jen and they are practically living together full-time.

Since Jennifer learned from the best, this kind of ho shit behavior from her shouldn't surprise me, but it does! Go, Jen! Get your evil whore on! And we all know what happens next. Jen and Justin will "play house" in a spread for W Magazine, Heidi will call it uncool and then they'll adopt an orphan from Cambodia and call him UMaddox. And please tell me UMaddox turns out to be Maddox's long-lost brother. I can already hear the galloping from Maddox Khan's child army in the distance....

GQ has named ScarJo its "Babe of the Year"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you CITIZEN'S ARREST the cover of a magazine, because this is thieving in every degree. International supermodel and the flame in America's torch Phoebe Price is the only "Hot Babe of the Year" every single year until years don't exist anymore! It's in the Constitution of the United States of Fuckery.

Yes, if you want to get all technical with me, GQ left the "Hot" off, but still! PP's body temperature fluctuates more than my sanity levels so sometimes she's "Frozen Babe of the Year" or "Thawed Out Babe of the Year" or "Needs A Snuggie Babe of the Year" or "Charbroiled Babe of the Year" or simply just "Babe of the Year".

GQ better sprinkle some chicken seed on their office floor and get ready to bow down to their new poultry overlord. PP will own them as soon as she finds a lawyer in the yellow pages who will work for headbands. "Larry H. Parker got me the GQ EMPIRE!!!" - PP when she's done with GQ.

If you want to be a shameless traitor, you can go here to see ScarJo's Photoshop Award-worthy pictures in GQ, or you can do the right thing and spend time with the ONLY Babe of the Year below.

One of the most important rules of life is that you should never ever leave anything of value around Lindsay Lohan unless you don't care if it's traded in for a Ziploc bag filled with the bad shit. Well, apparently one of her dumb bitch friends didn't learn this lesson and left a $35,000 Rolex at her apartment. Say goodbye to that shit, because Lilo's nostrils ate it.

A police source tells TMZ that Lilo is a suspect and the cops have picture proof that she knows what happened to the Rolex. Lilo denied stealing the Rolex when the police questioned her on Wednesday afternoon. Her lawyer also said the accusations are made of lies.

Lilo is (allegedly) a hoarder, a klepto, a cokey and a rambling ball of delusion yet she still hasn't been on an A&E reality show?! How is this possible. Lilo is a stumbling and slurring episode of Intervention and Hoarders. Maybe A&E thinks that's too obvious.

In other Lilo news, if you need to read the latest chapter in The Red Nose Diaries head on over to her Twitter page. Here's a taste: "nor was it for me and Michael when our father threatened to kidnap and kill us IN FRONT of our friends! the only one in need of police". Again, A&E needs to pick up the phone now.

Everyone knows that LiLo would empty a donation basket in her purse at Sunday mass, so I don't know why bitches keep inviting her to events at their stores. That's just asking to be cleaned out.

Pop Tarts says that when LiLo was paid to attend the launch of Jermaine Dupri and jewelry designer Pascal Mouawad's watch line at Kitson, she wanted a whole lot more than just a complimentary glass of champagne. Apparently, Pascal already promised her ass $500 worth of Kitson merchandise. When she complained that it wasn't enough, he upped it to $1,000.

After Hurricane Crackhead blew through the store and grabbed a bunch of shit, her bill came to almost $15,000. LiLo simply said that Pascal would cover the entire amount, because she was the only celebrity who attended his event. A source added, “Pascal said no, so she went and started talking smack about him to Jermaine Dupri who doesn’t even know her. He was totally bewildered and couldn’t believe it. Eventually Pascal said she could have $2000 to spend but that was the absolutely limit.”

When Pascal refused to cover the full bill, LiLo told one of the Kitson employees that they should give her the rest of the shit for free, because she's always been a loyal customer. She promised she would let the paparazzi take pictures of her holding Kitson bags.

In the end, LiLo was told "NO," because the employees couldn't get a hold of the owner of Kitson. She stormed out with her $2,000 worth of crap.

Hey, LiLo went from $500 to $2,000, so not all was lost. The next time I go to Tijuana (the home of wheeling and dealing), I'm taking this wreck with me. She can probably get a child to give up his box of chiclas and empty out his pockets to her. Bitch is a RUTHLESS bargainer.

And imagine her bargaining with her dealer? "If you give me this 8-ball for free, I promise to be photographed looking like a total gutter troll. I'm promoting your product!"

LiLo uses her fingers for all sorts of things (i.e. clitty tickling, cokey sampling, Twittering etc...), but using them to take out her to pay for things is not one of them. Usually, when LiLo snatches something, she just walks out with it like it magically dropped out of her snatch. But at Hollywood's Crown Bar last week, LiLo pulled out a different trick.

According to Pop Tarts, LiLo ordered a bottle of champagne towards the end of the night. When the cocktail waitress asked her to pay up for it, LiLo pointed at Kellan Lutz from Twilight and told her to put it on his bill. Shortly after that, LiLo waltzed out of the place without ever paying for the bottle.

Ha. I'm tempted to try that trick, but with my luck I'd end up in the basement of the club with two gigantic hairy men standing over me. It would not be rainbows and kittens. And I also really don't need another anal rejuvenation surgery.

Here's our little champagne robber at some party last night and also leaving Nachos' (Wonky's ex) house at 7 this morning. I will simply say that she looks like she recently had a whore bath in the sink of an AM/PM restroom, so she's looking better than usual.

Comedian Katt Williams was arrested last night for allegedly breaking into a home in Georgia and snatching a bunch of stuff. Katt's lawyer Williams Briggs tells TMZ that he has been set up! According to his Willy B, while Katt is shooting a movie in Georgia he's staying at the producer's home. The same home he was accused of robbing.

Willy B claims that Katt got into an argument with one of the producer's employees who lives in the guest house. Katt really must have made that bitch's balls boil, because the employee called the cops and reported a fake burglary. Willy B said that Katt has been staying at the house for nearly 3 weeks and was given full permission to be there.

And now you've just learned the fastest to get a bitch out of your house. The next time one of your fuck buddies overstays his welcome and starts yammering about brunch plans while cuddling (SHUDDER) with you, call 911. Tell them a strange man is robbing your ass. Yes, you will eventually be jailed for crying wolf, but at least you won't have to cuddle with a ho.

BONUS! TMZ also has a 911 recording of some 17-year-old boy claiming that Katt was holding him against his will. The call was made last Tuesday. The boy said that he was about to take a car to the airport when Katt showed up and wouldn't let him leave. Katt also threatened to beat him up. The cops arrived at the scene, but didn't make any arrests.