Cinema

File this under: News that will make Selma and Patty Bouvier's ash tray coochies combust in excitement!! The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) says that producers Raffaella and Dino De Laurentiis are tinkering with a big-screen version of MacGyver.

The producers are currently looking for a whore to write this future piece of Hollywood suckery.

This will only work if three things happen: 1) Richard Dean Anderson drops down to earth to play MacGyver again. 2) Will Forte co-stars as MacGruber, MacGyver's new sidekick. 3) Patty and Selma are the MacGyver girls who follow him around the world in bikinis. Besides, MacGyver is going to need one of their cigarettes to make a volcano or something.

If these three things don't happen, MacGyver should swoop in and make a bomb using the staples from the script and his spit to send to the evil doers in Hollywood.

And I'm still saving a special brew of Jenkem for when I'll have to deal with the horrific news that Hollywood will destroy the greatest TV show starring Scott Bakula: Quantum Leap!!! It's coming and it's going to hurt.

Jakey Gyllenhaal will finally get the chance to sing and dance his little girl heart out in a big gay musical! My asshole is blowing rainbow-covered bubbles in anticipation! Variety says that Jakey and Jim Carrey in the big-screen version of the Broadway musical Damn Yankees for New Line.

In case you don't take it up the butt, let me fill you in on what Damn Yankees is about. You see, some fat old slob named Joe Boyd who dreams of seeing the Yankees get beat by the Senators at the World Series. The devil appears and offers to make Boyd's baseball dreams come true in exchange for his soul. Boyd agrees and is transformed into the hunky piece of hot meat known as Joe Hardy, a slugger for the Senators. Boyd loves his new life but misses sis hag of a wife Meg. He starts to have second thoughts about the whole thing. Boyd is able to break the contract before the end of the World Series, so the devil sends a hot slut named Lola to try and seduce him into keeping the deal.

Jim Carrey will play the devil and Jakey will shake his nalgas as Joe Hardy. Yes, Jakey wearing a jock strap in the middle of a locker room filled with naked dudes. This shit is one step closer to realizing your dream of Jakey starring a hardcore gay porn. Damn YANK ME!

Basically, Charo was born to coochie coo as Lola. That role belongs to her. Or La Pequena.

I've been waiting for the perfect theatrical experience to drop acid too and now Universal has delivered! Variety says they have hired the dude who wrote Tropic Thunder to work on the screenplay for Candy Land: The Movie. This shit is a raver's wet dream come to life. We should all sell Ecstasy in a booths outside the theater. Early retirement!

True story. When I was a young gay, I actually wrote a short story based on Candy Land. Okay, it was really based around Queen Frostine only. The other characters were hardly in it. I mean, Queen Frostine is the best bitch in that game and I really wanted to be her. I ran around the house in a dress I made out of a shower curtain and plastic wrap thinking I was the damn frosty Queen of Candy Land.

They better not even think of fucking this up by casting Nicole Kidman. She's the easy choice since the ho is made out of ice already. It's 2009, so methinks they should rename her Queen Lucite and you know the rest.....

And Zac Efron is a fucking shoo-in for Princess Lolly. The role is his to lose.

Anybody who calls themselves a Brangaloonie should punish themselves today by going to see Marley & Me, because they have failed one of their gods! They should have been protesting outside of movie theaters with help of (SPOILER ALERT) these posters! Because they didn't do that shit Benjamin Button got his ass beat by Jennifer Aniston and her dog friend. HA! Marley & Me was the #1 movie this weekend with around $37 million. So far it has made $51 million in just 4 days. Benjamin Button came in at #3 with $27 million and a total of $39 million. Somewhere in the world Jennifer Aniston is texting Maddox with: "Suk on dat!"

I decided to go see that Benjamin Button shit on Friday, but only for Tilda Swinton. I would work the streets in a crotchless bikini made out of salami for Tilda, so I dropped $12 to support her ass. I should have left after her part and snuck into Marley & Me, because that shit was way too long. It was 3 damn hours! When my tub of popcorn ran out after the second hour, I knew I was in trouble. The story sort of reminded me of Forrest Gump. But Forrest Gump without the delicious box of chocolates! Instead of chocolate we got an old creepy baby.

What surprised me the most about this weekend's box office is the fact that Tommy Girl's big gay Nazi movie made $21 million! Not 21 dollars, 21 million dollars! The fuck?! There must be a lot of whores out there who really hate themselves. That's the only reason I can think of on why a dumb bitch would spend their money on a 2-hour torture session. Either that or there's a ton of crazy aliens lovers out there.

The weekend box office from Dec. 26th to 28th looked like this:

1. Marley & Me - $37 million
2. Bedtime Stories - $28.1 million
3. The Curious Case Of Old Baby - $27 million
4. Valkyrie - $21.5 million
5. Yes Man - $16.4 million
6. Seven Pounds - $13.4 million
7. The Tale of Despereaux - $9.4 million
8. The Day The Earth Stood Still - $7.9 million
9. The Spirit - $6.5 million
10. Doubt - $5.7 million

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You know you've really made it when you're starring in a movie opposite a farting dog. The Jonas Brothers should clean off their shelves, because something tells me they are going to get many awards for their performances in "Walter the Farting Dog."

The movie is based on the best-selling books about a dog who has an asshole like Michael Lohan's mouth. It just won't shut. The Jonas Brothers will play the farts. No, they will play musicians and brothers (SHOCKING) who must care for the dog with the butt burping problem after their aunt passes away. This shit sounds like something that belongs in the fetish section of your local porn store.

Peter Farrelly of The Farrelly Brothers will direct. The farting begins next spring.

Papa Joe should get Jessica Simpson on the short list to play the title role. Well, she often brags about her ass queefing skills.

For the second weekend in a row, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" is the #1 movie at the box office with $17.5 million. It's made a total of $52.4 million. Damn. Stoners and screaming babies must really love this shit.

The end is near (see below), so people would rather be entertained by a singing chihuahua than a talking DiCaprio. It makes sense. Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe's new bore fiesta "Body of Lies" was no match for the dancing chihuahuas.

"Body of Lies" brought in $13.1 million, which was good enough for the third spot. HAH! My chihuahua laughs at the dude from "Titanic."

That horror movie that we've probably seen a million times "Quarantine" was the #2 movie of the weekend with $14.2 million.

I was tempted to see "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" this weekend, but I decided to wait until it shows up on my Netflix queue. That way I can see it from the comfort of my own bong. Besides, if I want to be entertained by a talking chihuahua, I just have to take a few dozen bong hits and stare at my own dog. We've seriously had some amazing and deep conversations while riding on the green cloud. He knows me better than anyone.

Here's the weekend's top 10:

1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $17.5 million
2. Quarantine - $14.2 million
3. Body of Lies - $13.1 million
4. Eagle Eye - $11.0 million
5. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - $6.5 million
6. The Express - $4.7 million
7. Nights in Rodanthe - $4.6 million
8. Appaloosa - $3.3 million
9. The Duchess - $3.3 million
10. City of Ember - $3.2 million

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My chihuahua is giving me the silent treatment this morning because I dissed his bitches by not going to see "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" this weekend. Actually, he would have given me the silent treatment anyway because he's too busy being a lazy son of a bitch! Honestly, does he really need to sleep 23.5 hours a day?

Yeah, I was a bad chihuahua owner by not handing over $12 (seriously) to see this masterpiece. If there was a weed hookah and booze bar at the theater, I would've been the first ho in line. I didn't brave the screaming brats and stoners, but a lot of whores did. BHC was the #1 movie of the weekend with $29 million! 29 fucking million! And those dogs probably got paid in stale cat cookies!

This definitely means that Disney is going to whore out these dogs even more by putting out several sequels. The pimps at Disney should greenlight The Soup's idea for "South Central Chihuahua." Throw in a couple of gorgeous cholita puppies and I smell another winner. Clip below:

Hannah Montana slaughtered her competition at the box office this weekend. The "Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour" 3-D movie only opened on 683 screens, but still brought in $29 million. That's around $42,000 per screen. Jessica Alba's "The Eye" didn't stand a chance. It came in second with only $13 million.

As expected, Eva LongWHORIA's movie flopped. It managed to bring in $4.6 million. It still did better than Jessica Simpson's last movie. Here's how the weekend box office looked:

1. Hannah Montana - $29 million
2. The Eye - $13 million
3. 27 Dresses - $8.4 million
4. Juno - $7.4 million
5. Meet the Spartans - $7.1 million
6. Rambo - $7 million
7. The Bucket List - $6.8 million
8. Untraceable - $5.4 million
9. Cloverfield - $4.9 million
10. There Will Be Blood - $4.7 million

Hannah Montana scares the shit out of me. She's taking over the world. I wonder which Presidential candidate she's going to support, because that's the winner right there.

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Entertainment Weekly has named Denise Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones the worst Bond girl of all-time. I agree, but Pierce Brosnan did have the best Bond line ever thanks to Christmas Jones. It was at the end of the movie when Bond and Christmas are doing it on a building or something and he says, "I thought Christmas only came once." I spit out my Mr. Pibb in the movie theater to that line.

Here's the rest of the worst list:

10. Maud Adams as Octopussy in Octopussy
9. Lynn-Holly Johnson as Bibi Dahl in For Your Eyes Only
8. Lois Chiles as Holly Goodhead (amazing name) in Moonraker
7. Cary Lowell as Pam Bouvier in License to Kill
6. Britt Ekland as Mary Goodnight in The Man with the Golden Gun
5. Karin Dor as Helga Brandt in You Only Live Twice
4. Maryam D'Abo as Kara Milovy in The Living Daylights
3. Corrine Clery as Corrine Dufour in Moonraker
2. Tanya Roberts as Stacey Sutton in A View to a Kill
1. Denise Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones in The World is Not Enough

And the best:

10. Carole Bouquet as Melina Havelock in For Your Eyes Only
9. Jill St. John as Tiffany Case in Diamonds are Forever
8. Lotte Lenya as Rosa Klebb in From Russia with Love
7. Michelle Yeoh as Wai Lin in Tomorrow Never Dies
6. Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp in Goldeneye
5. Barbara Bach as Anya Amasova in The Spy Who Loved Me
4. Eva Green as Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale
3. Diana Rigg as Tracy Di Vicenzo in On Her Majesty's Secret Service
2. Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore in Goldfinger
1. Ursula Andress as Honey Ryder in Dr. No

Where's Grace Jones, Jane Seymour, Kim Basinger and Teri Snatcher?! Kim, Jane and Teri can all go on the worst list. Grace definitely needed to be on the best. She really should have played James Bond instead, but her Bond girl was one of my faves.

Denise as the worst is on point. Denise as a research scientist? She can't even spell that.

Image: Rope of Silicon

Lindsay Lohan's hard work in "I Know Who Killed Me" has paid off. Linds was nominated for 3 Razzie Awards this morning. She was nominated for Worst Actress twice as well as Worst Screen Couple, because she plays two people. Congratulations! Here's the rest of the nominations:

Worst Picture of the Year
Bratz
Daddy Day Camp
I Know Who Killed Me
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
Norbit

Worst Actor of the Year
Nicolas Cage, Ghost Rider & National Treasure: Book of Secrets
Jim Carrey, The Number 23
Cuba Gooding Jr., Daddy Day Camp
Eddie Murphy (as Norbit), Norbit
Adam Sandler, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

Worst Actress of the Year
Jessica Alba, Awake, Fantastic Four & Good Luck Chuck
All 4 chicks from the Bratz movie
Elisha Cuthbert, Captivity
Diane Keaton, Because I Said So
Lindsay Lohan (as Aubrey), I Know Who Killed Me
Lindsay Lohan (as Dakota), I Know Who Killed Me

Click here to see the rest of the nominations

I have a feeling Linds is going to sweep this year! I'm also pretty shocked that Norbit got so many nominations. That was some good shit! Shit being the key word. That should be up for the Oscars not the Razzies. Oh well. Different strokes.