Trash

Just a few days before the spirit of a 13-year-old skater boy from the Midwest possessed Demi Moore's body and made her nitrous her way to a seizure, she was partying next to her daughter Rumer Willis in the VIP section at the dick cake party Miley Cyrus threw for her piece. Demi is officially that divorced mom who crashes her kid's birthday party in the basement and hands all the boys bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade before ripping off her Juicy Couture hoodie to shake her concrete titty balls to a Lil' Wayne song. If you took away the whole "murdering her husband" thing, bitch would be Nicole Kidman in To Die For.

TMZ says that at Miley's party, Demi guzzled down Red Bull after Red Bull like those cans had the jizz of eternal youth in them. Demi partied with Rumer and her friends in the VIP section before leaving at around midnight. Some source says that Demi is wrapping her thighs around her fading youth and refuses to let go. A different source tells People that even Bruce Willis knew Demi was fucked up in a sad way and tried to get her help before she snipped Ashton Kutcher's leash.

When you're a 49-year-old woman partying it up with your daughter at a club and you've got a can of bull piss in your hand while your eyes are watching Miley Cyrus lick the pube beads on a dick cake, somebody needs to tell your ass that this is what rock bottom of a mid-life crisis looks like and you need to stop. Now, I'm not saying that partying with your kids is wrong. I've partied with some of my aunties and it's usually the best. They buy all the drinks and they designate themselves as the responsible driver. They also have your back when you have to punch your way through the bathroom line to drunk barf into the sink. But what they don't do is ruin the damn party by overdosing on whip-its. I swear, Demi should leave that kind of behavior to White Oprah. Get your own mid-life crisis, Demi!

In yet another stellar call in the life of Jerry Sandusky, TMZ reports that he has decided to speak publicly again on his child sexual abuse allegations, but hasn't yet decided whether Oprah or Barbara Walters will be the luckiest woman alive to be graced with his presence.  He and his wife Dottie are wanting to set the record straight and clear his JeffreyDahmerwasanaltarboycomparedtoyou good name (I had to get drunk just to type that) by going on the air again and this time he's practiced so he doesn't pause when asked if he's sexually attracted to young boys.

Strangely, neither Oprah nor Barbara's camp can be reached to confirm the interview, so there's a good chance that this is all wishful thinking on the part of the Sanduskys.  I would think his showing-young-boys-how-to-shower-properly ass would have a hard time getting an interview on QVC, so I hope these ladies aren't really entertaining the idea.  And if so, I hope they make him pay them for the privilege.  His lawyer must be a glutton for punishment, both for representing him and for allowing him to dig holes in their defense with dynamite.

The Sanduskys maintain that nothing inappropriate happened, and the 52 now adults who have brought charges against Jerry are all lie tellers trying to make a little fast cash.  Um.  I know that in America you are innocent until proven guilty, but this is not so much a "where there's smoke there's fire" situation as a HOLY SHIT THERE'S A MUSHROOM CLOUD one.  So.  Good luck with that Jerry (not really) and I hope you don't land in a prison as the cell block bitch (not really).

ETA: There are 10 accusers, with 52 counts of abuse. Thanks Nit Witty for setting my ass straight.

The earthquake in Haiti happened almost two years ago, but the news barely pricked through the bubble out of fame's ass that surrounds Kim Kardoucheian when she needed something quick to cloud her image as a greedy scam artist pig whore with the morals of Satan's pre-cum. Pimp Mama Kris went with Haiti, because it's easy enough for Kim to pronounce and the chewed-up brain in her ass will explode out of her b-hole if she has to say a name that's more than two syllables.

The National Enquirer said in their issue last week that just like Kim's spirit animal Mother Teresa, she and Pimp Mama Kris stayed in a $1,000 a night presidential suite, traveled with personal photographers, wiped their hands with disinfectant jizz every time they shook a Haitian's hand and walked in a local fashion show. Sounds about right. It also sounds about right that after each Haitian shook the hand of those she-devil heffas, they shoved their own hand into an open fire and then punched themselves with a flaming open fist for knowingly touching the claw of a demon.

But Kim is saying that The National Enquirer is spitting out lies. Pimp Mama Kris forced one of the Kuntrashian minions (you know that dumb bitch didn't write this) to jump on Kim's blog (via People) to explain that she was only in Haiti to do serious missionary work and to learn more about Maria Bello's charity:

While my experience was completely life-changing… a very emotional and surprisingly positive journey that I will never forget, some media outlets have tried to tarnish the motive behind my visit and have written completely ridiculous and untrue things. The National Enquirer wrote that I went to a fashion show in Haiti and then spent a fortune pampering myself! The truth is that I was at the Haitian Artisan Fair, where the amazing men and women who make their jewelry and crafts sell them to visitors to make a living, and I bought some of their beautiful jewelry after the fashion show!! Reading this made me so disappointed in the media.

Taking such a positive thing and writing something malicious and untrue. The journalists obviously didn’t bother to do their research and instead published a ridiculous story to sell copies. I have ignored all of this until now, but because I wanted to write a few blogs about my experience, I felt I needed to address this first. I have become accustomed to dealing with rumors and lies spread about my family or my relationships, and have learned to ignore it to a certain extent. But when a magazine makes the decision to twist the truth and write lies like that, it belittles the entire experience we had in Haiti, and I won’t let them do that.

I think it’s important that I share my experiences with you all, rather than you read false reports in the media. I have some really great stories and photos from my trip and I’m so excited to share them with you all! Xo

Oh, yes, Kim. You were only in Haiti on a charity mission (the charity being YOURSELF) and to learn more. I mean, posing for pictures in Haiti is so much harder than posing for pictures on a red carpet in Las Vegas. That's what Princess Diana used to say back in the day, and fuck, she was right. It was also so giving of you to wear 10 pounds of whore paint on your face instead of 20, so you can look really concerned and like one of the people. Such a giving hole (on purpose typo and don't you move it).

The National Enquirer does tell lies from time to time, but I'd believe a fart out of a bull's asshole before I'd believe anything that came out of a Kardashian's mouth. Besides, that priceless "I know this fraudulent cunt is going to try to pass this off as charity work" side-eye the girl in the corner is throwing tells us everything we need to know.

And the person who made that necklace around Kim's neck just earned a special place in my heart. I mean, a necklace that looks like a wooden toilet seat? This is the new portrait of perfect.

Besides the DMV, Denny's, public transportation and a Latin family reunion, the best bitch brawls go down at the airport. Why oh why couldn't Sean Penn and Maria Conchita Alonso fight it out at JFK this Friday when I'm there. I need this live entertainment in my life. Instead, Maria and the mutated nutsack shanked each other with words at LAX on Sunday afternoon. It all had to do with Sean Penn's main homegirl Hugo Chavez.

Maria, who was raised in Venezuela, tells Page Six that she once raged against Sean about his love for Chavez in an open letter, but she never got a response. While picking up her mom at LAX, Maria saw Sean in AA's baggage claim area and she took that opportunity to serve him the truth according to CONCHITA ALONSO!!! Maria says their word brawl went something like this:

Maria: I would like to talk to you.

Sean: I have nothing to say to you. You have been saying a lot of things about me in the press.

Maria: How can you defend Chavez? You are a communist, Sean Penn.

Sean: You are a pig!

Maria: And you are a communist asshole! Is it great to live the way you do as a communist?

Maria walked away, but Sean kept yelling at her and she yelled back.

Maria called into WMAL in DC (hilarious clip below) and apologized for calling Sean an asshole, but she still thinks he's a communist. When Page Six asked Sean about this, he responded like the dehydrated roid-faced diva he is and acted like he didn't know it was Maria Conchita Alonso at the time:

“I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.”

"That actress." Ha. For a dude who has a face like a hot boil on a devil's ass, he sure does throw some cold shade. So I give him a gold star for that.

Never mind that this is a direct insult to communist assholes, I'm kind of disappointed at how this fight went down. Maria and Sean were in Colors together, so the right way to handle this fight would've been for her to put on a red bandanna and for him to put on a blue bandanna. Then they should've beat each other with gats until Robert Duvall broke 'em up with his baton.

What's that saying? You can Photoshop a skid mark, but it's still a skid mark. The Kardashians proved that saying right for their annual sacrifice to the Adobe Gods. Last year's Karkrashian Khristmas Kard theme was "kreepy, kooky & kunty" and this year's theme is obviously hall of the sequined dead souls. This is the picture that's on the cover of the pamphlet Lucifer hands you when you're about to sign your soul over to him and he wants to make sure you're making an educated decision that's best for you.

These whores didn't even pose together. They took their pictures separately, threw them all under the silhouette of three giant titty balls (or are those used condoms?) and used the constipation tool to make all of them look like wax mannequins with the hard shits. They also pulled pounds of Sasquatch blubber from Khloe's legs and piled it all on Kourtney's ass. Not to mention that Pimp Mama Kris is the only one not wearing black and white. A wreck. But it was nice of those Kardashians to represent Kris Humphries' personality with that wooden chair in the back.

And this mess also comes in 3D. When you put on the glasses, a double stream of Ray J's piss comes splashing at you. Happy Pissmas from the Kuntrashians!

Daniel Craig completed everyone's life recently when wise words of beautiful wisdom spilled out of his poetry hole during an interview with GQ Magazine. This is the original quote, and yes, it should be mandatory for schoolchildren to memorize it and recite it right before saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning.

"Look at the Kardashians, they're worth millions. I don't think they were that badly off to begin with but now look at them. You see that and you think, 'What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you'll pay me millions?' I'm not judging it—well, I am obviously."

Doesn't that just give your soul a boner? Well, Heat Magazine (via TS) asked Pimp Mama Kris, seen below with the ghost of a praying mantis at The Hollywood Reporter's Famewhoring Whores Women in Entertainment luncheon, what she thinks about the truth according to James Bond (and the world). Being the piece of delusional shit that she is, Pimp Mama Kris let a bull's anus do the talking for her and it said this:

"(He has) crossed the line. It's not made him look like the world's nicest guy. The right thing for a real man to do now would be to issue a public apology. The easy thing would be to criticize his career now, but our family won't stoop to that level."

I don't think Daniel Craig heard Pimp Mama Kris' response since the verbal shit of earth scum doesn't travel all the way up, up, up, up, up, up, up to his perch on the highest level. Stoop to that level?! This Cousin Balki-looking bitch is either a comedic genius or she's obsessively dedicated to the art of being fucking delusional. Rat shit and Snooki's tampon sit a few dozen levels above the Kardashians on the pyramid of life.

What is she going to attack in Daniel Craig's career? That is an impossible mission. That's like me attacking the writing skills of George Bernard Shaw. That's like a maggot on a piece of rotten hamburger attacking a cow for not being fresh. What was Pimp Mama Kris going to say? That Daniel Craig worked to get the career he has while the Kardashians' fame was handed to them on a glove that didn't fit? That Daniel Craig used his talent to become a millionaire celebrity while the Kardashians' used Kim's asshole? Burn.

Pimp Mama Kris needs to stop acting like there's an exit for the High Road on the Famewhore Highway.

In the cafeteria of an Irish retirement home somewhere, a table is missing its cloth...

LeAnn Rimes and high fashion go together like Eddie Cibrian and monogamy, but that didn't stop her from trying to look avant-garde at last night's benefit for The Trevor Project in L.A. last night. LeAnn's jockey needs to lead her back to her stable to feed on a clue, because this look will never be the look on her. LeAnn looks like a parched watercolor pony wearing an oversized cape and those shoes should only be worn by the gothic carriage horses of the evil queen in a Tim Burton movie.

LeAnn wore this green vomit mess for one of three reasons:

1. Thirsty bitch needs more attention and is trying to give birth to pregnancy rumors.
2. LeAnn accidentally swallowed the lime seed she sucks on for dinner and it made her feel like a bloated fat fuck, so she covered up.
3. LeAnn wanted Eddie's pinched eyes to sparkle something extra so she wore his favorite color: the color of cash.

I'm going with #3.

Pimp Mama Kris has gone too far this time in her campaign to paint Kris Humphries as an evil monstrous cunt oaf who stomped all over Kim's fairytale dreams. This cover of Star Magazine, obviously curated by Kris Jenner, is offensive, wrong, inhumane, illegal, goes against everything I believe in and should be reported to the proper authorities. I mean, when I saw this mess of a cover the first thing that came to my mind was that Dynasty storyline about Steve Carrington coming out of the closet after marrying Sammy Jo. The Kardashians and the Church of Dynasty are not supposed to touch in my head. That's like Lucifer walking hand-in-hand with Jesus. That's like serving me a plate of dog shit and Velveeta Shells & Cheese (aka the caviar of processed cheese meals). Pimp Mama Kris' suite in hell better be downgraded to an economy room for this. Too low, too low.

Anyway, sources tell Star that Kim thinks that Kris might love dick, because after they got married he didn't want to fuck her and only wanted to watch sports. Kim might have a point, because I don't know many straight dudes who can calmly sit in front of a TV all day watching a bunch athletes who have pissed on and fucked his wife several times. Moving on....

TMZ reports Kris is fighting back against the four-headed Kuntrashian monster by filing to annul his ten-second marriage to Kim on the grounds that she defrauded him into playing her fake groom. Kris believes that Kim only married him for the advertising money and attention while he did it for love. Kris wants Kim to pay his lawyer's fees. But wait. A source close to Kim (read: KRIS JENNER) says the marriage was also real to her and she only filed for divorce, because she was told she can only annul a marriage if there's proof of impotency, incest, bigamy, unsound mind, force or fraud.

I realize that Kris is a neanderthal who was recently discovered frozen in a block of ice and then was brought back to the living by scientists, but is he really that slow in the brains? Accusing Kim Kardashian of being a fraud is like accusing me of being a dumb slut. We already know. If you Google "Kim Kardashian is a fraud" it takes you to DUH.com. Kris was obviously in on the sham marriage and he's totally in on the sham divorce. Kris is a fraud. Kim is a fraud. They're all frauds and they've obviously ruined our beliefs in true love and the realness of reality TV. Let's all sue them for fraud. Call Gloria Allred!

Seen here locking out Kim Kardashian's check cashing cooch until Pimp Mama Kris finds a suitable (read: dumb, rich, famous and with a bladder that's always ready to party) suitor for her to suck the life out of, the KKK are on January's cover of Glamour (just read that as "Glum Whore" and it'll make more sense) Magazine and are giving their first interview since they pulled a giant scam on everyone. The already annoying interview turned into an annoying dry queef fest about how Kim's dream of becoming a mom at 30 is officially dead and it's only a matter of time before Pimp Mama Kris closes a deal with E! for a 16 hour-long "Kim & Her Uterus Say Goodbye To Each Other FOREVER" special. After Kim covered the permanently-attached silicone alien mask on her face with a "WOE IZ ME" mask, the KKK got deep:

Kim: ...I think I'll always be a hopeless romantic.

GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that?

Kim: It means that I believe in love and the dream of having a perfect relationship, but my idea of it has changed. I think I need to not live in a fairy tale like that. I think I maybe need to just snap out of it and be a little more realistic.

Khloé: I love Kim's belief in love and the fact that she feels so strongly about it. She has that dream every girl has.

Kim: Well, I don't think I have it right now.

Khloé: Which is fine, but I'm your sister and I know why you don't have it right now. But I know you will get it again.

Kim: I hope I do. But by then I hope maybe I'm a little bit more realistic.

GLAMOUR: Realistic about what?

Kim: The fact that what I want isn't possible.

Khloé: What, a guy on a white horse coming to get you? That doesn't happen!

Kim: I don't know. I always wanted what Mom and Dad had. And at first I was like, I want six kids. Then I went down to four, then I was down to three.and now I'm like, maybe I won't have any. Maybe I'll just be a good aunt.

Khloé: But Mom and Dad got a divorce, and she met Bruce. And you were a child; you don't know what Mom and Dad had. As an outsider looking in, it probably looked like paradise.

Kim: At this moment in my life, I feel like maybe I'm not supposed to have kids and all that.

Khloé: Oh my God. Don't be dramatic all of a sudden!

Kim: That's how I feel. Maybe my fairy tale has a different ending than I dreamed it would. But that's OK.

Before Pimp Mama Kris ran that interview through the fake machine, it really read like this:

Kim: .....I think I'll always be a hopeless famewhore.

GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that?

Kim: It means that I believe in whoring myself out for fame at any cost and dreaming of having permanent relevancy, but the game has changed. I think I need to be choosier about the fake husbands I cast. Did you see the first episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York? Of course you did. Over 3 million stupid fucks did. Cha-ching, beyotches! You saw how Kris farted in my sister's face on camera. He farted on my sister on camera! I know Kris was my stage husband, but he signed a contract in blood stating that I'm the only one he's supposed to perform a bodily function on in front of the cameras. I was humiliated! How can I have a publicity stunt baby with a monster who farts on my sister? That's cheating!

Khloé: Wookie like eating baby. Wookie like eating baby.

Kim: Um. Anyway, back to me. I don't have that dream anymore.

Khloé: But Wookie want baby to NOM NOM on.

Kim: No, you dumb dumb! I'm still going to have a baby, but I'm going to be a little bit more materialistic about it and I don't need a fake husband to do it.

GLAMOUR: Materialistic how?

Kim: Everybody is having a baby with their husbands. That's been done, is boring and only gets you a maximum of 3 People Magazine covers. That's why I'm going to get knocked up and won't tell anybody who the father is. The evil scientists at E! are making a fetus out of my old face and all the used condoms I stole from Reggie Bush's trash can as we speak. Think of all the magazine covers, specials and endorsement deals with Indentigene! There'll be a "Who Shot A Load In Kim's Pussy?" special and covers of Life & Style will be flying out of my twat like black dick does. You stupid Americans will eat it up and I'll be more rich and more famous than ever. I'm so glad dad sold my soul to the devil to get O.J. off. No morals equals more money! Cha-ching!

Khloé: Wookie happy about having baby to nibble nibble.

Kim: Wait! How did you sneak into the middle again? Get back, beast! Back! I'm the Chynna! You're the Carnie! To the side where you belong.

Pimp Mama Kris recently said that her main prized pig Kim Kuntrashian has such a giving soul (more like giving hole) and always quietly gives to charity without getting any attention for doing so. Pimp Mama Kris proved to be right yesterday when Kim graciously took a break from her busy schedule of being the whoring whore of all whoring whores to feed the homeless at the Los Angeles Mission while surrounded by a team of bodyguards, half a dozen paparazzos, a make-up artist, a hairstylist, a camera crew and the souls of a dozen dead turkeys eye rolling at this blatant publicity stunt. TOTALLY INCOGNITO!

Jennifer Love Hewitt is where the word "desperate" goes to feel better about itself and yet she still doesn't look 1/10th as desperate as Kim looks. Just look at this transparent trollop dressed like "real people" and acting like she didn't drop that ladle and run to her chauffeured SUV the minute the cameras stopped clicking. Kim could find the cure for cancer in her queefs while curing a dozen orphans of the urinary retention they suffer from by baring her ass (Fact: When Kim bares her ass, the piss just comes shooting out of your piss hole), and we'd still see her as a fame whoring STUNT QUEEN heffa whore. That is the truest story ever told.

And haven't the homeless people been through enough? They're already homeless and then they had to sit there while a skank gave them their meal. They came for Thanksgiving dinner, not Skanksgiving dinner.