Simon Cowell

If you drive by any random clinic in L.A. this morning, you'll probably see Paula Abdul trying to break into one of those locked tin boxes in front of the door, because she needs a quick hit of something medically strong to strangle the feeling of rejection that took over her body after getting fired by Simon Cowell AGAIN! Deadline said last night that the producers of The X-Factor deported Steve Jones back to the UK, sent the defected Apollonia impersonator Nicole Scherzinger back to the Prince factory from which she came from and threw a Percocet into the forest so Paula Abdul could chase after it and get lost. Simon pink-slipped all three of them and is only keeping L.A. Reid as a judge for next season.

FOX confirmed last night that both Steve Jones and Nicole Shitsinger's second season contracts were executed, but they haven't said anything about Paula. TMZ is hearing that Paula heard from a lawyer close to the show that she was about to get the BITCH GOT FIRED card and Simon hasn't called her yet to tell her the news. What a cold cunt Simon is. How could he not take the news, wrap it in ludes dough and then gently feed it to Paula? Simon could've at least shaved the words "you're fired" into his furry tit pies and let Paula read it herself as she suckled on his nipple like she does most nights. Thanks to Simon, none of your medicine cabinets are safe now!

Apparently, Simon hasn't chosen any replacements yet, but the only way I'll watch that wailing shit show is if the new judges are the queen who maced that brat on the subway and Khia.

Masochist vegans who are members of the We Hate Simon Cowell Facebook group have never been more turned on.

Simon Cowell's deflated man tits look like a plate of poorly pounded chicken paillard sloppily breaded in stale rye breadcrumbs, but he's not letting their sad and defeated attitude get to him while he lives the glamorous life on a yacht in St. Barts with his fiancee and ex-girlfriend. While you're in your cubicle eating around the rotten parts of a banana left in the back of your office refrigerator, rich ass Simon and his friends are playing with those bananas for fun! To rich bored bitches, bananas are toys! But on a sad note, I bet this is making Ryan Seacrest wipe a single tear on his OshKosh B'Gosh undershirt, because it wasn't too long ago when the only fruit Simon liked to play with was him. :(

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in Los Angeles, Paula Abdul is having a deep conversation on her banana phone while a pear transcribes the conversation on a slice of jicama.

You hiding out in the back of your closet while eating ham wrapped around broken pieces of candy cane to keep the dealing-with-your-family-induced drunk barfs down is a holiday tradition and so is me posting pictures of Simon Cowell's luscious German Shepherd tits. Every Christmas, Ryan Gaycrest's main homegirl goes over to Barbados to feed the stray island dogs with the 100% whole leche that shoots out of his nipples holes when he flexes his dough ball chichis.

Don't you just want to get naked and roll all around Simon's fluffy rug breasts, or do whatever the hell you do on a bearskin rug? I was about to say, don't you want you to titty fuck Simon, but how are you going to explain those rug burns on your genitals to your free clinic technician?

It really wouldn't be the holidays without a visit from Simon's double calzones of furry fun. And with that, I wish all of your asses a Merry Christmas. Or as they say in Italy, Buon Natale! Or as I say when I butcher that shit, Bone Natalie!

Is X-Factor always as dramatic as a Mexican funeral? Everybody's crying like they're about to bury somebody. Damn. I don't watch this anymore, but I'm about to slip it into my queue again, because this is the kind of theatrics I like to tuck myself in with at night. In case you didn't watch this emotional disaster last night either, let me set up this mess of a clip for you. Last night's elimination came down to 13-year-old Rachel (Simon's contestant) and Marcus (L.A. Reid's contestant). Simon gave his pink slip to Marcus, L.A. gave his slip to Rachel, Paula gave hers to Marcus and when it came time for that dumb ass Nicole Shitsinger to pick who she thinks should go home, she locked up.

Nicole made the same face she's going to make in a couple of months when she's cleaning up her dressing room after Simon fires her ass for being absolutely useless. Nicole gets paid way too much money to judge a singing show and this ho couldn't even push a vote out of her mouth. Nicole told Rachel and Marcus that this is so hard for her, because she's been up there before. This bottom of the barrel Apollonia impersonator can't be serious. BITCH, you were on The WB Popstars and I think I'm the only one who remembers that (and the only one who owns an Eden's Crush CD). Nicole couldn't decide, so she forced the vote into deadlock by voting for Rachel. The elimination was then up to the public's vote and they voted that 13-year-old Rachel needs to exit stage left. They voted the child out. What happened next was like a Real Housewives meltdown as seen through the eyes of Zeffirelli. That shit should be an opera!

Rachel fell to the floor, got back up and cried to her mom, "Mommy, you promised!" There is a special line at the entrance to Hell for people who laugh at children crying, so I will see you there. Rachel definitely deserves a few Emmys for this, but a special award should go to Nicole for her impressive mime work. I mean, wiping away those invisible tears? Charlie Chaplin is slow clapping up in heaven as I type this.

What a mess. Nicole Scherzinger not only stole Apollonia's entire act, but now she's murdering the dreams of children? Send her to the guillotine!

When Simon Cowell hears "It's a NO from me" from Heaven's gate keeper Bea Arthur after he dies in a tragic self-motorboat accident, he wants his earth body to match the ice cold pile of dead heart meat in his chest. The killer of dreams tells GQ that he wants to pull some Walt Disney shit after he dies by getting cryogenically frozen:

"It's an insurance policy. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it does work, I'll be happy. If it's possible, and I think it will be, why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy? I think it's a good idea."

I have a feeling that if I don't do it now. I could regret this in 300 years' time."

Simon Cowell needs to use all of his zillions of dollars on more important things. Like keeping Paula Abdul out of trouble during breaks on the X-Factor by building a giant Vicodin pill for her to eat herself out of. Because Simon will not be needed in 300 years. All of the singing will be done by Chinese made robot clones of Celine Dion, and nipple-hugging v-neck shirts will be extinct since everybody will wear Hazmat suits to protect themselves from the apocalypse dust that will cover the earth after the birth of Kimtin Kardashian-Bieber in the 2030s. So what is Simon going to wear?!

Besides, does Simon understand that when they freeze your dead body, everything gets stiff and fuck-ready? EVERYTHING. What if Gaycrest outlives Simon? Yup, if I was a Google bot in Ryan Seacrest's laptop, I'd definitely be searching for "cryogenic chamber with a dick hole" right about now.

That little wink isn't from Simon Cowell fucking the feeling out of his nerves with a Botox needle again. It also isn't from Simon's eye closing shop because it can't deal with Paula Abdul's extra thick Vicodin breath eating away at its retina. That little wink is Simon patting himself on the taint, because he's about to pull a major stunt queen move that will have hos talking about his show months before that shit even airs.

A little over a week ago, Cheryl Cole was dropped as a judge from the US version of X-Factor and replaced by that Nicole Scherzinger ho from the Pussycat Dolls. Well, a few scandalous headlines later and it looks like Cheryl Cole is back! It's a miracle! It's like the second coming of WHO GIVES A FUCK.

The News of the World was the first to break this shit, but TMZ has more details. They say that Cheryl's return is all about money. The producers wanted to put Cheryl back on the X-Factor in the UK, but the deal didn't happen because she asked for £2.5 million. Cheryl's contract with the US X-Factor states that she gets her $1.5 million fee whether or not she's on the show. So the producers figured that it is cheaper to keep Cheryl than fire her ass. Cheryl hasn't decided if she's going to come back (she will). If she does, Nicole goes back to being a host.

Oh, the ideas that burp out of Simon's brain when Ryan Seacrest is giving his nipples a finger massage during their weekly bromance sauna session. If Simon makes us think that Cheryl was fired over her accent and then brought back only because of money, we'll all feel sorry for her and fall in love with her like she's a mumbling puppy dog with a bark nobody understands.

First Blake Lively lies to us and now Simon Cowell is manipulating us?! What to believe anymore?! I'm sure you'd shed a tear over this betrayal if your Give A Shit Meter wasn't stuck on zero.

Simon Cowell returned to British TV on Britian's Got Talent the other night after a long break, causing millions of genitals to finally come out of hibernation to worship at the hairy altar of his twin moobs. You know who doesn't think this is sexy (don't you dare raise your hand)? Simon's buttons. Simon still won't let his buttons fuck his buttonholes. They are so close and he continues to deny them. He won't even let his button stick the tip in or brush against his button slits oh-so-gently. Sexually frustrated buttons are a real thing. But I'm sure they understand. If they fucked, we wouldn't get eye fulls of Simon's chest rug. The sexiness stops there, though....

The Daily Mail points out that Simon also debuted a new droopy eye. A source tells them that the reason why Simon looks like Ryan Seacrest miscalculated his aim is because of Botox. Duh. The source explained, "Simon had overdone things a little with the Botox and it soon showed up on camera – especially as we film in high definition, which is particularly unforgiving. During the break between shows, the producers were quick to change the lighting over the judging panel. Simon was not happy."

It's all fun and games until that extra shot of Botox makes your eye look like a Blobfish's mouth after eating a fart. Who knew that Cheryl Cole had it in her to get revenge on Simon by switching his Botox vial with stingray semen. +1 for you, CC!

The titty semen that dripped out of Simon Cowell's succulent nipples after reuniting with his soulmate Paula Abdul weren't the only drops of liquid that were shed at the X-Factor auditions in L.A. yesterday. Yesterday was the first day Simon Cowell, L.A. Reid, Cheryl Cole and Paula Abdul sat at the judge's table together. And apparently, a new dream crushing asshole monster was born and made Simon Cowell seem every shade of nice by comparison. The Hollywood Reporter says that every letter the post office gets that's addressed to "The Devil" will now be forwarded to L.A. Reid.

L.A. didn't waste any time in showing his cunt colors and he had a little help from the audience. You see, contestants have to audition in front of an audience who have been told to BOO a bitch when necessary. Yup, the #itgetsbetter project will now switch its focus to helping bullied and rejected X-Factor contestants.

A source says that the second auditioner of the day was a 52-year-old woman who started to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" before Paula told her to do something different. Simon told her to sing "Hero" but the woman went with some Martina McBride song instead. And that's when the cunts started to bite. From The Hollywood Reporter:

The audience, who had been encouraged by Cowell before auditions started to express their opinions about the auditioners, started booing and yelling "next!"

She then said she would sing "Hero" but instead switched back to "Independence Day."

"I'd finish one," Abdul told her. "You've got 10 seconds, pick the song you want."

The audience started counting back from 10 and then booed throughout her entire performance.

The aspiring singer prompted harsh criticism, especially from Reid.

"When was the last time you performed? Eighteen years ago?" Reid asked. "Whatever made you stop then, you should've stuck with that decision."

That was arguably harsher than Cowell's take: "It's very brave, and I don't mean this disrespectfully, but you're someone who should be singing at home."

So if you ever want your soul crushed in 5-seconds or less and all the spots at the local junior high school talent show are filled, just audition for X-Factor!

But for real, one of the reasons why I hardly watch American Idol anymore is because they are too nice. It's unnatural. Even their criticisms are wrapped in fluffy pink cream. If a reality show judge can't tell you that you fucking suck, who can (answer: an abuelita)?! That is why L.A. Reid sounds like a breath of fresh bitch air. Besides, I doubt the woman heard L.A. Reid's comment since she was too busy fearing that the crazed Day-Glo lion staring at her would leap from the judge's table and attack her ass.

Nicole Scherzinger of the legendary girl group Eden's Crush and British presenter Steve Jones (on the right) were both confirmed as the hosts of X-Factor US, but apparently the latter wasn't Simon Cowell's first choice. Deadline says that Simon originally gave the job to Corbin Bleu of High School Musical, but I guess Nicole Scherminger wanted to stand next to a dude with a little more fur on his nipples because she pulled a glorious cunt move by sending him to the back of the unemployment line. Deadline has the hilarious story of how Nicole delivered a swift bitch kick to Corbin's reality show dreams.

Cowell told me recently he wants a known female performer and a young Hollywood actor to co-host. His initial picks were 32-year-old former head Pussycat Doll and ABC's Dancing With the Stars standout Nicole Scherzinger, always his first choice to host, and Corbin Bleu, the 22-year-old African-American co-star of the High School Musical franchise. With both talents able to sing and dance, the possibilities for their hosting seemed myriad. But, according to an insider, at their first meeting, "Nicole walked in and saw Corbin and his baby face and asked, 'What are you, 15?' And then she walked out." So, just like that, Bleu was nixed. Instead, veteran UK emcee Steve Jones was flown in for an audition, and insiders say he had "chemistry" with Scherzinger. So now he's a done deal for the gig.

It really says a lot about this country's current job situation when a Pussycat Doll has hiring and firing power. That said, X-Factor is still a few months away from premiering, but Nicole Scherminger is already showing promise as my favorite. The biggest diva bitch move Ryan Seacrest pulled was throwing a tantrum on the train track rug in his dressing room after somebody moved the step stool under his bathroom sink, and Nicole Scherminger is already getting hos fired!

Nicole better not get too carried away, though. Fox can easily replace her with Maya Rudolph as Nicole Scherzinger and nobody would notice. Actually, scratch that. Everybody would notice six seconds after realizing that Nicole Scherzinger is suddenly more interesting than foam on an ass crack.

And in other X-Factor news, PAULA ABDUL AND SIMON COWELL'S REUNION IS CONFIRMED!!! Paula will be the fourth judge next to Cheryl Cole, Simon and L.A. Reid. I'm so happy I could slap a peach!

Rambling times are here again! Because of Paula Abdul's incoherent rants and the extra thick accents of Cheryl Cole and Steve Jones, Fox better leave some cash in the budget for subtitles.

Every name from Nicole Scherminger to Cheryl Tweedy to Jessica Simpson to your auntie who always talks to the TV all loud-like has been thrown around as a judge on the American version of X-Factor. Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid will be judges on that mess, and the former hasn't said yet if he will bestow the third coming of Paula Abdul on the world by putting her on the panel. Pharmaceutical stocks depend on this, so Simon better do the right thing!

But in the meantime, there's a rumor going around that Nicki Minaj might be sitting next to Simon Cowell's luscious fur tits on the judging panel. X-Factor is going to be on FOX and Nicki Minaj looks like if Krusty the Clown drank the lake water next to Springfield's nuclear plant, so this makes sense.

A source tells Page Six that Simon met with Nicki a couple of weeks ago, "Simon thinks Nicki is fantastic. She's sassy, she looks great and she has bags of personality. This isn't a done deal yet, but Nicki would be great for the show. She fits the ideal that 'X Factor' will be exciting, vibrant and different. And the show would also be great for her career."

The Bride of Evel Knievel judging singers?! You know, I'm okay with this as long as Nicki brings her Shar-Pei dildo along so I have something pretty to look at. American Idol has two dildos on their judging panel (Steven Tyler is more like a possessed vibrator with a broken off button) so X-Factor might as well have one.