Bradley Cooper

No, this is not a picture of Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana showing off the amazing skills they learned from Taylor Swift & Jake Gyllenhaal's School Of Showmance Acting. This is B.Coop and Zoe acting acting on the set of their movie The Words back in June. Last month, some whores were trying to say that B.Coop brought Zoe Saldana in for a beard fitting, but both of their reps tore up that rumor up. This made Father Victor Garber throw a holy smoldering side-eye at that situation. But now, some source is telling E! News that B.Coop and Zoe are definitely bumping assholes and they're even spending the holidays together in the Rockies. This definitely made Victor Garber throw an "Are U Serious?!" scowl face. E! News puts B.Coop's latest fauxmance like this:

But as recently as last week, a source tells E! News, they were telling friends that they had plans to go skiing in the Rockies together over the holidays.

"They are totally dating," the source says.

Reps for both stars did not immediately return requests for comment.

Saldana and her boyfriend of nearly 11 years, Keith Britton, called off their engagement and revealed that they had broken up in early November.

In the past few months, B.Coop has supposedly been humping on JLo, Olivia Wilde, Melanie Laurent and now Zoe Saldana. B.Coop better slow his shit down or he's going to get face chaffing from growing and shaving so many damn beards. And his publicist is going to get burnt fingertips from working the BlackBerry so hard. But seriously, doesn't it seems like it was just yesterday when B.Coop was trying on his first beard, Squinty Zellweger, and now he's like a seasoned beard wearer and shit. Renee must be squinting out a prideful tear over how much her B.Coopy has grown.

Bradley Cooper's orthodontist poster smiler and his always glistening coke eyes are blessing People Magazine this week and it's not for a glorious "Yup, I'm Gay!" cover. It's not even for a "World's Sexiest Beard Wrangler" cover. People could've dropped a fire in all our no-nos (yes, I'm speaking for all of us again) by giving Prince Hot Ginge the title or they could've dropped more fuel into Pimp Mama Kris' money-hungry charcoal heart by putting the crown on Khloe Kardashian's head, but they went with B. Coop of all hos. I smell a Garber! If you go to Google Earth right now, type in "People's World Sexiest Man ballot stuffing," it will dramatically pan down into a Manhattan office and show you a clear shot of Victor Garber throwing you a wink while sitting on the ballot box. I've always said that it's Victor Garber's world and we're just living in it, so I can't be mad.

People says they chose B. Coop over serial panty creamer Ryan Gosling, because he's a major mommy boy, a Georgetown graduate and can butter everyone's baguettes by speaking the French. People also forgot to say that they really chose B. Coop, because his publicist promised to give them the sloppiest blowjob in the form of future exclusives.

After last year's Mister World's Sexiest Man Ryan Reynolds handed B. Coop a bouquet of roses, slipped a sash over his chest and straightened his crown, he gave this acceptance speech:

"I think it's really cool that a guy who doesn't look like a model can have this [title]. I think I'm a decent-looking guy. Sometimes I can look great, and other times I look horrifying."

Other dudes who made the list include: Gosling, Brian Williams, Liam Hemsworth, Justin Theroux, Idris Elba, Joel McHale, Chris Evans, Jason Momoa, Alec Baldwin (???????), Dylan McDermott and Tim McGraw.

To me, B. Coop is about as sexy as a soft dick in a used condom, but anything that gives Victor Garber the tingles gives me the tingles.

About this time last month, the BlackBerries of two publicists air kissed at each other and created a beautiful union between JLo and Bradley Cooper. Just as you started picturing Bradley Cooper wearing JLo's cherpumple ass as a beard, their publicists said that their dinner date in NYC was strictly professional. I took that to mean that B. Coop was not impressed with JLo's third-tier amateur beard resume and burned it on the flame of the dinner candle as he winked at the hot waiter to put another dollop of whipped cream on his chocolate tart. That was the end of the Coo-Lo. BUT WAIT! Just like menstrual cramps and your stomach, JLo and B. Coop are back together a month later. That sound you hear that sounds just like an opera-singing harlequin clown bawling into the night wind is Victor Garber screaming out a low-octave: NOOOOOOO!

People has a picture of B. Coop and JLo driving in a car together yesterday afternoon in L.A. and she's covering her face with her hands as if she's screaming, "OHMAHGAH I CAN'T BELIEVE THE PAPARAZZO THAT I TIPPED OFF IS ACTUALLY TAKING PICTURES OF ME OHMAHGAH WHERE'S MY PRIVACY DID MY ASS EAT IT AGAIN OHMAHGAH!" A source tells TMZ that B. Coop and JLo are just casually dating for right now and they're not even close to being serious. Translation: they're just in beard training mode.

Who keeps trying to make B. Coop and JLo happen? Who keeps trying to shove Coo-Lo down our throats as a for real couple? Yes, Coo-Lo is the greatest couple name to hit our eyes in a while, but they do not make sense at all. You know what does make sense? A pee hole in the middle of the mattress so I don't have to roll my lazy bones out of bed in the middle of the night to walk all the way to the bathroom. Why hasn't anybody invented this?!

Now that Blake Lively's publicist landed her a full-time temp-to-perm gig as Leonardo DiCatchaHo's piece, they are sitting back, marveling at the bland fruits of their labor and passing their tricks of the STUNT QUEEN romance trade to Bradley Cooper's publicist. I say that because that fiction fan-writing bitch is going at it hard. Case in point: B. Coop pursed and winked at JLo during a romantic date over a week ago and the details magically landed in TMZ's inbox from the e-mail address "bradleycooperisaheterosexualvaginalover@rocketmail.com." Contract negotiations must've broken down like Skeletor's metabolism when he eats something other than virgin plasma, because B. Coop has wiggled away from JLo and is off doing the heterosexual mating dance with other pieces.

An "eyewitness" tells Life & Style (via NYDN) that B. Coop threw flirty eyes at ScarJo and held her hand while partying with friends at some club in NYC the other night. This mess reads like something out of Choose Your Own Beardventures.

"Scarlett and Bradley arrived with a small group of friends, including model Cheyenne Tozzi, around 2am. While Bradley was flirty with Cheyenne initially, after some drinks he turned his attention to Scarlett. The duo were hand in hand and more than flirty by the end of the night!

They were here with a group of friends and ordered champagne. The group was having a good time together."

ScarJo's rep says that they have been good friends ever since doing that shit show He's Just Not That Into You together and if they held hands they did it as friends only. Okay?

But you know, I, for one, love it whenever "Bradley Cooper is a pussy wrassling man whore who licks the ladies" is shoved down our throat holes, because it tastes like nothing but strawberry-flavored Booty Eaze gel and Victor Garber's taint sweat.

At a restaurant called Per Se (ugh) in NYC on Saturday night, the romantic scent of free publicity and freshly grown Puerto Rican beard hairs was in the air when JLo and Bradley Cooper sat down together for a date. TMZ says that the dinner was of the romantic kind and they were the only two at the table. Well, that's if you don't count the team of publicists who were hiding under the table and tricking B.Coop into gazing toward JLo's way by dangling Victor Garber's head shot over her head. But yeah, other than that, it was totally intimate and romantic!

Someone who works at Per Se told UsWeekly that they were there for a while, but didn't say if JLo decided to move fast by skipping to step 9 in Renee Zellweger's Ancient Art of Bearding manual by hand canoodling with B.Coop across the table as he refreshed his location on Grindr with his other paw. BUT WAIT! A different source tells People that JLo and B.Coop's Saturday night dinner date was strictly business and they only met to talk about doing a project together.

It would make sense that JLo would move fast to quickly get the taste of Skeletor's crypt dust dick and grave dirt cum balls out of her mouth, but I believe People's source. This is strictly business! If you don't believe me, do the Renee by squinting at the fine print on JLo and B.Coop's preliminary relationship contract that reads: THIS IS STRICTLY BUSINESS! GOING OFF THE SCRIPT BY PUTTING YOUR LIPS ON MY PERSON WHEN A CAMERA IS NOT AROUND IS NOT ONLY A BREACH OF CONTRACT BUT IT'S ALSO JUST GROSS. EWW!

Bradley Cooper's wide eyes tell me that he will snort the last line at a party without guilt and he looks like the type who won't even use his hand to wipe the sweat bead that dropped from his forehead onto yours when he's hitting it from the front. So naturally, I can understand why some hos swoon until they cream over him. If your ass falls under that category, then you better get your body ready and apologize to your panties in advance, because here he is speaking French like a Rosetta Stone valedictorian.

B.Coop is definitely fancy in more ways than one. He could be talking about turtles snow-balling each other and I wouldn't even know. I have no idea what he's saying, but it doesn't matter a damn. Just put your nipples to the monitor and take it in.

It's good to know that B.Coop will know what you're talking about when you say to him, "Sacrebleume!"

via Buzzfeed

After Bradley Cooper ripped up his contract with Lemonsucker Zellweger, he allegedly went through the who's who of an issue of UsWeekly. B. Coop apparently humped on Jennifer Aniston and then got with Jessica Biel. And now Life & Style is saying that B.Coop has been out with Olivia Wilde, count 'em, two times! B. Coop and Olivia were making canary noodles (aka canoodling) at the after-party for The Hangover II in NYC on May 23rd and they also spent some intimate moments together at Saturday Night Live season finale party.

A source tells Life & Style what they saw at The Hangover II after-party, "Olivia was Bradley's date. He was always taking her hand or putting his hand on her lower back, it was really sweet. He took care of her all night. They were definitely together. At one point, they even wanted some alone time and hiked up the stairs to the roof, but they had trouble getting there! They left together at 12:15. They seemed really comfortable together."

This source is totally speaking the real truth. I can tell from the pictures above that B. Coop is really taking care of Olivia. In the top picture, a totally baked and drunk B. Coop is asking the imaginary friend next to Olivia to watch over her while he goes to fish a joint out of Zach Galifianakis' beard. That B. Coop. Such a gentleman!

One way of shooting the gay rumors into the far distance is to talk about the time you caught a pussy ball with your mouth at a bar in Thailand. And Bradley Cooper did just that on Conan the other night. Todd Phillips, the director of The Hangover II, wanted to take pictures of all the characters acting like drunk fools all over Bangkok. So they all went to this bar and marveled at the skills of one talented trick who could turn her snatch into a ping pong ball launching machine. (Just like my movie idol, Cynthia from Priscilla Queen of the Desert!) B. Coop thought it would be every shade of hilarious if he opened his mouth as the pussy pong ball came flying out and well, I'll let him say it in his words:

"Bangkok is known for these venues where females are able to do things with their nether regions that you wouldn't think they'd normally do. So this one gal was able to eject ping pong balls at high velocities with amazing accuracy. I, being the jackass that I am, was like, 'Let's do one where I'm like (opens mouth).' And I mean, pssssht, right in my mouth. Record skips, handi wipes coming out from everywhere, Ed Helms is throwing up! By the way, that's not the only thing they do."

Now this is the point in a post when I can either take a right by making the obvious joke about how I don't know why everyone was freaking out since B. Coop always has Thai balls in his mouth. Or I can take a left by saying Renee Zellweger is wishing she could squint and launch with her vagina so that B. Coop would've opened his mouth around her every now and again. Or I can just keep my foot on the brake and we can share a joint while looking at these absolutely thrilling pictures from last night's The Hangover II premiere in L.A.

In order: B. Coop in brown, RDJ with his wife, Ed Helms, Zach Galfalafelkisskiss, Alyssa Milano, the pigeon whisperer, Jordin Sparks, Krystal Kardashian, Mr. Jay and Ken Jeong.

Tonight is the Met's Costume Institute Gala (this year's exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don't even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other's nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn't even wear that shit as their menstruatin' dress.

And it wouldn't be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters' designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don't believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl's coke white hair.

Or maybe she's falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that's probably the culprit.

And here's a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl's claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L'Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.

We already know that Hollywood suffers from a major disorder and just can't stop regurgitating movies that should stay safe in its stomach, so nobody is surprised that they are planning a remake of The Crow (working title: Brandon Lee Hasn't Been Through Enough) starring Bradley Cooper of all bitches. I could holler out a billion WHY?!s over this, but I need to save some for when the executioner of Hollywood announces the remake of Bound starring Katy Perry and Kristen Stewart.

The Hollywood Reporter says that the man who used to be in charge of de-puckering Renee Zellweger by spritzing her with hot sauce is in talks with Relativity and director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo to take the role of Eric Draven. In the original, Brandon Lee (R.I.P.) played a murdered rocker who comes back from the dead to seek revenge on those who wronged him and his fiancee.

Some might say that The Crow is cursed, because Brandon Lee was killed during a stunt gone wrong, but I'm mouth queefing on that crazy talk. However, just to be on the safe side, they should replace all of the rubber bullets with cream cheese bullets. Better yet, just hire Michael Lohan as Bradley's double and make him do all the stunts.