Zach Galifianakis Brought The Lady He Saved From Homelessness To The Hangover III Premiere Last Night
I'm taking a short break from our regularly scheduled program of foolery and fuckery to bring you a sweet story that proves that there are some nice people who do good things in the world. I know, this is my second nice story of the day and if I keep at it, I'll totally have to change this site's name from Dlisted to D'awwwlisted.
The New York Daily News (via UsWeekly) says that before Zach Galianakfifisksisnis was a multi-millionaire movie star, he did his laundry at Fox Laundry in Los Angeles and that's where he met Elizabeth "Mimi" Haist who volunteered there for tips. Elizabeth pretty much only survived on tips from customers and jumped from friend's house to friend's house, because she didn't have a place of her own. Zach and Mimi kept in touch, and years later when his checking account balance started to see more zeros, he got her an apartment in Santa Monica and he pays her rent and utilities every month.
Somehow Renee Zellweger got involved and decorated Mimi's apartment. Squinty also buys Mimi's groceries.
Zach didn't just set Mimi up in an apartment like a kept memaw and stop calling her. Zach calls Mimi to see how she's doing and always invites her to his premieres. Mimi has gone to several premieres and for the longest time nobody knew who she was. Some figured she was Zach's grandma and others figured she was his side piece (Zach wishes). 87-year-old Mimi was Zach's date to last night's premiere of The Hangover III and before the premiere, she said this:
“I’m looking forward to it, I like the excitement of it. If he’s in town, he takes me. Otherwise he lets me take a friend. I dress up nice and a friend helps me with my makeup. It’s fun, not something I’ve ever dreamed I’d experience.
Afterwards, they have a party at somewhere close by and you meet the stars. I drink lemon drop martinis with Grey Goose vodka.”
Zach Galikadsjflkadsjfklasdfi has a glorious beard of ginger lushness, so I would've before reading this, but now after finding out that he's a memaw helper, I really, really would. And somebody please strap all the Kardashians to chairs and read them Mimi's story from the New York Daily News. The thought of being selfless and generous will make all of their heads combust.
Here's a few pictures from last night's premiere. In order after Zach: a greasy vision in copper (who totally asked Mimi to be his next beard), Ed Helms, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, Heather Graham, Justin Bartha, Santana from Glee, Ken Jeong and Hanson.
I'll get to the mindless fuckery of Hollywood and beyond in a second, but first here's Bradley Cooper visiting Jeffrey Bauman Jr., a survivor of the Boston Marathon bombings who lost both his legs in the attack and helped identify the suspects.
Jeffrey is probably thinking to himself, "Wait, you're not Batman. Doesn't Batman usually do this?" Jeffrey didn't get Batman, but he did get Bradley Cooper in his favorite church suit. That really is B. Coop's favorite church suit, because he wore it to the interfaith service for the victims in Boston yesterday. I'm sure Jeffrey will get a visit from Batman any second now, because like B. Coop, Christian Bale is in Boston to film David O. Russell's Abscam movie.
And I'm surprised that B. Coop didn't make this visit extra, extra special by getting another snail shell perm beforehand. Yes, this picture definitely needs more B. Coop curls.
Since Justin Timberlake viciously murdered his luscious ringlets with a flat iron and some straightening balm, somebody has to proudly work a head full of tight curls. Enter Bradley Cooper's ass. Here's B. Coop looking hot while walking with Jennifer Lawrence to the set of David O. Russell's new movie in Boston today. Everything about this look works from that manicured beard to that open shirt to that thick layer of bronzer on his skin to his freshly permed hair which makes his head looks like it's covered in a field of snail shells. B. Coop looks like a 70s porn producer/pimp who sleeps on a waterbed covered in tiger print satin sheets and dips his nuts in Spanish Fly oil. Swoon.
This might be the first time B. Coop has ever done things to me, so yes, I'd hit it. And I'd really hit it if B. Coop matched the carpet to the drapes by perming his pubes.
The apple of Victor Garber's brown eye, Bradley Cooper, laughed at the rumor that he was dating Jennifer Lawrence, because he said he's old enough to have made her. B. Coop also turned down Taylor Swift, because he apparently he only wants to date tricks who were alive when Hart to Hart was still on TV (that's a good rule, actually). But forget everything B. Coop has said, because now he's starring in awkward staged photo-ops with 20-year-old British model Suki Waterhouse.
B. Coop is currently in Boston shooting the new David O. Russell movie with Christian Bale, Amy Adams, Louis C.K. and Jennifer Lawrence, and Suki flew there from London to hang out with his ass. A source tells UsWeekly that Suki and B. Coop only met last month and they've been casually dating ever since. By the way, "casually dating" is publicist talk for "beard training period."
B. Coop's publicist should probably tell him not to shout shit like, "I won't date girls who can be my daughter," because you never know when you're going to be set up with a beard who's old enough to be your daughter. Like when people ask me what my type is. I always say, ANYTHING. Preferably, breathing, but anything really. It's good to keep your options open. I won't hold that against B. Coop, though. Even though she's only 20, B. Coop still made a good choice. If I was shopping for beards, I'd probably go with Suki too. I mean, she's a little Sienna Miller-ish and her name is Suki Waterhouse. That is a hot name. Suki Waterhouse sounds like the name of a conniving banking heiress in an 80s comedy movie starring Bette Midler and Rick Moranis. SOLD!
Bradley Cooper has joined Joaquin Phoenix and Ethan Hawke in the anti-Oscar club, but he has a different reason for why he thinks winning an Oscar is about as important as taking a dump. (FYI: Taking a dump is way more important than winning an Oscar, because you could die if stop taking a dump, but you won't die if you don't win an Oscar. Unless, you're name is Anne Hathaway, because she totally would've died if she didn't win that Oscar.)
When I read the headline, "Bradley Cooper Doesn't Want An Oscar," I figured that he was going to say that he already has enough gold-plated dildos at home and he doesn't need another one. But B. Coop tells GQ UK (via Metro) that watching his father die made him realize that winning an Oscar means nothing. Yeah, way to take us to Sad Street, B.Coop. B. Coop hurt Anne Hathaway's Oscar-loving emotions when he said this:
"Death became very real. And very tangible. Because my father – someone who had been in my life for 36 years is just fucking gone. I watched him dying and I was there by his bed watching him, breathing with him, and then I saw his last breath and he was gone. I experienced the whole thing. And that was a watershed moment that I was privileged to experience. And it changed everything. Nothing has ever been the same since.
You know William Blake’s Songs Of Innocence? Well, right there, in that moment, the innocence was gone. Done. Never to return. The beauty is that I just don’t sweat shit any more.
My father gave me two gifts – having me and dying with me. I used to be the kid that got the shakes if I had to talk in public; now, I just don’t get nervous about stuff. I can’t control everything. I watched my father die and I realised that is the way we are all going to die. For me, it was a switch from knowing something intellectually to knowing it by tangibly experiencing it. It rewired my neurological system. It almost did the opposite of motivating me. It was about keeping the main thing the main thing.
I don’t want to win an Oscar. It would change nothing. Nothing. The things in my life that aren’t fulfilled would not be fulfilled. Career-wise, right now, it’s better that I don’t win one. I don’t want to win. I don’t."
B. Coop did this interview before the Oscars, so he probably knew he had zero chance at winning and he might as well spit on the Oscars, because #YOLO. I totally picture a shirtless, sweaty B. Coop sitting in a dark corner and saying to himself "I don't want to win. I don't. I don't want an Oscar. I don't want one" while punching a picture of Daniel Day-Lewis holding an Oscar.
B. Coop is telling the truth though. Winning an Oscar means nothing. It's not like winning one gets you special privileges in heaven. (Cut to decades from now when all of us are eating cloud slop with the other simpletons in heaven's mess hall as Anne Hathaway eats prime cut cloud meat in the VIP Oscar winners only section.)
The guy all of us paid to grease the steps before Anne Hathaway's win needs to give us our money back, because dude has shit timing.
If you're reading this, then you obviously survived through the 17 hour-long circle jerk and song and dance marathon that was the Tonys disguised as the Oscars. That mess was just a whole lot of weirdness from start to finish. Hospital emergency rooms filled up with people thinking they somehow overdosed on acid, because that's the only way they could explain the fuckery hitting their TV screens. But anyway, somewhere between me grossing myself out by mumbling to myself "I would" while staring at Seth MacFarlane's Peter Brady action figure face to Michelle Obama announcing the winner for Best Picture (?????), Jennifer Lawrence unsurprisingly won Best Actress for shouting a lot in that Silver Linings Playbook movie.
When she went up to accept her golden dildo trophy, she tripped, fell and nearly busted her face. Some people laughed, some of us screamed, "IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOU, HATHAWAY," and Fist Brown raised both his hands while saying, "It wasn't me." Everybody stood up for the girl who fell and Jennifer Lawrence made a joke about it, but it's not surprising that her ass fell.
Homegirl had at least three princess canopy beds strapped to her body. Her dress was huge. Every time the camera panned to her in the front row of the audience, all you saw was her face and her big ass dress swallowing everyone around her. Bradley Cooper's hot mom (who stomped on all the hos in her metallic BKs) sat next to Jennifer Lawrence and she probably couldn't see shit, because she had a giant balloon of pink ass fabric blocking her view. If B.Coop can't find his mom this morning, he shouldn't file a missing persons report. He should just check under Jennifer Lawrence's dress, because I'm sure his mom is trapped underneath there.
And here's B. Coop, his mom and Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars and Vanity Fair's post-Oscars party. Personally, I don't think Jennifer Lawrence deserved to win, but I'm glad she did, because she flipped everybody off in the press room.
The Independent Spirit Awards did what the Oscars failed to do: give respect to Matthew McConaughey's rock hard ass cutlets. At yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, the Texas T-Rex won Best Supporting Actor for popping his bulge in a Speedo and throwing his charbroiled nalgas up in the air in Magic Mike. While accepting his award Matthew, who is still looking a lollipop-headed giraffe, let every actor know that if they want to win an Independent Spirit Award next year, they have to take all them panties off:
"I had to take my pants off to win a trophy, I had to drop trou to win an award. Fuck yeah!"
Sadly, the Independent Spirit Awards didn't honor the OTHER great performance of the year: Nicole Kidman's piss hole for letting out a Botox-infused pee stream on Zac Efron's body in The Paperboy.
The reboot of Jerry Maguire called Silver Linings Playbook pretty much swept that shit last night and picked up a bunch of trophies. Here's the list of winners:
Best Feature - Silver Linings Playbook
Best First Feature - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower
Best Supporting Male Performance - The Texas T-Rex, Magic Mike
Best Supporting Female Performance - Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Best International Film - Amour
Best Female Lead Performance - Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Male Lead Performance - John Hawkes, Battery Dying
Best Screenplay - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Cinematography - Ben Richardson, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Best Director - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Documentary - The Invisible War
And here's a few pictures for you to put your eyes on. In order: Texas T-Rex with Camila Alves, Bradley Cooper (and yes, I stared at his baggy camel toe for at least an hour straight), Bryan Cranston, Laura Dern, Salma Hayek with her billionaire husband, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Lawrence, the new Jodie Foster, Aubrey Plaza, DanRad, new daddy Jeremy Renner (who let everyone know that the musky scent was coming from his crotch), Zoe Saldana, Andy Samberg with Joanna Newsom, the new Annie and Kerry Washington.
Who cares if this is just another story that's trying to kill the rumor that Bradley Cooper has a peen fetish, this is kind of Bradley Cooper news I want to hear about.
InTouch Weekly says that B. Coop wants to be a Dr. Scholl corn remover in his next life, because he wants to be stuck to a delicious foot all the time. Jennifer Lawrence introduced B. Coop to a model named Laura Simpson and they went out on a few dates, but she dumped his ass, because he was obsessed with her hooves and kept asking her for pictures of her feets and it grossed her out. Some source said this:
“After a bunch of dates, things got very awkward. He was always touching her feet. It was weird, so she broke it off. [They had] six real dates and were hooking up for about a month."
So, B. Coop wants to suck your big toe like it's a hard dick and your response is, "EWWWWW"? B. Coop wants to stick his dick between your toes and your response is, "EEEEEK"? Either this story is fake or this Laura Simpson trick doesn't appreciate the pleasures in life. If that was me, I wouldn't even care if B. Coop kept calling my foot "Victor." I'd be all about it. Lick it, clean it, choke on that sock lint, bitch!
The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn't she would've screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.
I don't know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would've worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn't detachable, because if it was it would've detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she's about as humble as Kanye West.
On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway's head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she'd have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.
Here's a few pictures from last night's SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.
No, this is not a picture of Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman sharing tips at the Annual Beard Aficionados Convention. This is Hugh Jackmeoff and B. Coop at the BAFTA tea party this weekend and Hugh is either saying, "Pull my finger with your sphincter muscle," or he's complimenting a bitch on that exquisitely permed mop. It's probably the latter. If you figured that Bradley Cooper just naturally has the golden waves of a Breck Girl, you're wrong. It takes a lot of chemicals, perm rods (wink wink) and copies of Cosmo for B. Coop's hair to look that greasy and lush. While talking to B. Coop at the BAFTA tea party, E! News got the exclusive CNN-worthy details about what's going on with his hair. B. Coop told them the secret to his beauty: he got a perm for a movie role.
"I permed my hair today. We did a camera test today and we were playing with the idea of him having curly hair. Like rollers! Oh, yeah bro, like rollers in the hair!"
B. Coop saying "Yeah bro, like rollers in the hair!" is a lot like the UPS delivery dude saying to me, "Like your shirt, boss!" It was a Dollywood t-shirt that was three sizes too small for me. B. Coop should've never admitted that he permed his hair, because a) you should never spill the secrets of your beauty and; b) this just confirms that he went out on at least one date with Taylor Swift. Can't you just picture Taylor giving B. Coop a perm in her Dream Dazzlers hair salon while he nibbles on a heart-shaped strawberry tart she made in her Easy-Bake Ultimate Oven? Bitch just gave himself up!