Pimp Game

Daniel Craig completed everyone's life recently when wise words of beautiful wisdom spilled out of his poetry hole during an interview with GQ Magazine. This is the original quote, and yes, it should be mandatory for schoolchildren to memorize it and recite it right before saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning.

"Look at the Kardashians, they're worth millions. I don't think they were that badly off to begin with but now look at them. You see that and you think, 'What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you'll pay me millions?' I'm not judging it—well, I am obviously."

Doesn't that just give your soul a boner? Well, Heat Magazine (via TS) asked Pimp Mama Kris, seen below with the ghost of a praying mantis at The Hollywood Reporter's Famewhoring Whores Women in Entertainment luncheon, what she thinks about the truth according to James Bond (and the world). Being the piece of delusional shit that she is, Pimp Mama Kris let a bull's anus do the talking for her and it said this:

"(He has) crossed the line. It's not made him look like the world's nicest guy. The right thing for a real man to do now would be to issue a public apology. The easy thing would be to criticize his career now, but our family won't stoop to that level."

I don't think Daniel Craig heard Pimp Mama Kris' response since the verbal shit of earth scum doesn't travel all the way up, up, up, up, up, up, up to his perch on the highest level. Stoop to that level?! This Cousin Balki-looking bitch is either a comedic genius or she's obsessively dedicated to the art of being fucking delusional. Rat shit and Snooki's tampon sit a few dozen levels above the Kardashians on the pyramid of life.

What is she going to attack in Daniel Craig's career? That is an impossible mission. That's like me attacking the writing skills of George Bernard Shaw. That's like a maggot on a piece of rotten hamburger attacking a cow for not being fresh. What was Pimp Mama Kris going to say? That Daniel Craig worked to get the career he has while the Kardashians' fame was handed to them on a glove that didn't fit? That Daniel Craig used his talent to become a millionaire celebrity while the Kardashians' used Kim's asshole? Burn.

Pimp Mama Kris needs to stop acting like there's an exit for the High Road on the Famewhore Highway.

As Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig tries to give the performance of her stupid life by woeisme-ing over her publicity stunt marriage coming to an end at LAX last night (see below), the whoriest whore of all whores is out there whoring out her dead best friend for some attention of her very own. Pimp Mama Kris is peddling her memoirs about how she went from Jack Tripper's wingman to an ambassador from HELL, and in it she basically digs up Nicole Brown's grave with her satanic claws, pulls out the bones and poses next to 'em for the cameras. Just when you thought this fame fucking whore master couldn't get any lower, the bitch opens a trapdoor.

Long before Kris' ex-husband got O.J. Simpson off, she was best friends with Nicole Brown Simpson and she claims that the two talked the morning of the murder. According to Kris, Nicole wanted her to come over to talk to her about something important (important being her ex-husband was going to kill her). Kris couldn't get away from her family duties and she thinks that if she did meet with Nicole, her friend of 15 years would still be alive today. Radar has the excerpts that will be used to argue for Kris Jenner to take Lucifer's place after he destroys himself over creating these whore monsters.

Nicole called her early on June 12th, Kris writes. "Nicole said, "Can you get over here...? I need to talk to you. It's really important'."

Busy with her own children, Kris asked if they could put it off until the next day. But Nicole was persistent. "'That's okay, can you meet me tomorrow for lunch? I really have to talk to you about something really, really important'." Says Kris, "It would be the last time I would ever speak to Nicole."

The next morning, Kris was plunged into shock and trauma as she woke to the news that her close friend had been stabbed to death. "I instinctively knew that in some way O.J. had something to do with her death.

"I truly couldn't believe she had been so betrayed by the person who she had once loved most. That O.J. would be so destructive and selfish and jealous that he would do that to her was just mind-blowing to me. All these thoughts were running through my mind: This can't be true."

Her sadness grew even deeper as she realized that changing her schedule to meet Nicole on the eve of her murder could have saved Nicole's life. A mutual friend later told her, Kris writes, that "Nicole had been beaten up by O.J. and she had been keeping this physical proof in the form of photographs and, it would turn out, other evidence, in which she had documented seventeen years of abuse. Nicole really wanted someone close to her to know what was going on, so that somebody - namely me - could be a witness."

Kris was devastated at missing the opportunity to possibly save her. She recalls screaming, "'Oh my God! It's too late! It's too late!'...The realization that she had wanted to confide in me hit me so hard. ... And I had let her down."

This bitch's ego probably looks like the inside of a colonic machine. What's the point of saying this? Did Pimp Mama Kris even testify that she spoke to Nicole that day? Probably not. Why testify for free when you can testify in a tell-all book for a quick check?

The only way to shut this Pimp Mama Kris' mouth is to let her know that if she "saved" Nicole Brown Simpson's life, then there probably wouldn't be a murder trial, which means Robert Kardashian wouldn't be a household name, which means Kim would still be Parasite Hilton's Valtrex holder and the tattered skin on Ray-J's dick would be more relevant than her entire family. "Uh. Strike my last statement from the record" is probably the line that would fall out of Pimp Mama Kris' mouth next.

The shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is redirecting the usual actions of her pimp hand from pushing her kids onto the ho stroll to pushing at her ghostwriter to do that extra line of powdered No Doz so they can finish her memoirs before her #1 ho gets thrown into jail. The not-so-shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is trying to sell her memoirs by selling out her daughter in it. When the vodka bottle goes empty, it's every Lohan for themselves!

TMZ got a hold of the prologue from White Oprah's soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning autobiography (possible titles: Crackdays with Lindsay, Lindsay Ashes: I'm Dancing On Them, A Million Little Enablers and I Know Why The Coke Bird Snorts) and in it she writes all about Lindsay's sad transformation from child star to premiere mug shot model. White Oprah uses her favorite snortin' finger to point the blame at everybody but herself for ruining her daughter's life. Here's just a few excerpts from the Book According to Delusion:

"I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay's way of daily living--and it tore me up inside."

"How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone."

TMZ says that White Oprah "worked" with a ghostwriter (aka Nana Lohan) on the prologue and her rep started shopping it around to publishers two weeks ago. So far, every publisher she sent the prologue to, rolled it up and sent it back. To which, White Oprah said "THANK YOU!" since she had herself a new jumbo coke straw.

Gossip Cop threw a bucket of ice water on White Oprah as she lay passed out, face first in a barback's bin on the floor of a Long Island sports bar, and asked her about this. White Oprah opened up her whiskey orifice and said that would never write anything negative about her child. The deluded evil twat went on to say, "When and if [I do write a book] it will be all positive.”

Everything that comes out of White Oprah's mouth has as much credibility as what comes out of her asshole, so we should all believe that she's kicking coins out of her daughter when the bitch is down. That chill in your ear you just felt was Papa Joe, Joe Jackson, Billy Ray Cyrus and Pimp Mama Kris all saying "too far too far" at the same time.

One of these animals has two furry humps, isn't housetrained, always has camel toe and has a pimp who takes money from strangers in exchange for a quick ride on its back. The other animal is a camel.

This is why this world just doesn't make sense. If this world was right, those camels would be the ones riding those tacky trash trollops through Dubai. Just look at these stupid gaudy bitches. Wearing ugly platform clown heels and $5,000 kaftans to ride a damn camel! Sex and the City Number 2 was truly a satanic work of evil, because it gave idiots like this ideas.

Those poor camels. They can't even bite at a trick. Sad camel is sadder camel.

Pimp Mama Kris and her yellow ribbon pig Kim Kuntrashian are currently in Dubai to meet with several billionaire sheiks about possibly selling the younger Jenner girls since they aren't bringing in the dough fast enough, and last night they quickly stopped into a store to pose in abayas, niqabs and hijabs for the cameras.

You might be marking this day in your kalendars as the first time in famewhore history that Kim Kardashian actually covered her Close Encounters face for the cameras, but think about it. Uh huh. Kim getting her face covered in something for the cameras. That's what got us into this mess in the first place! Although, this is the first time in history that three abayas had to be sewn together to cover her dunes of despair ass.

For me, the only good thing that came from this post is that I found my new favorite site where I can learn how to curse a trick out in every language. Now I'm that much closer to achieving my goal of getting slapped in the face in every accent (yes, slaps have accents).

Kim Kardashian will make the bowels of hell churn out bubbles of victory when she marries that dude whose soul will be sucked into her big fat ass for the rest of eternity in a couple of months, and her mother Pimp Mama Kris Jenner wants to look as fresh as a wax mannequin's taint for the occasion.

So the owner of the womb that created 3 attention sucking monsters got the Kim Kardashian Special by pulling and yanking at her face. Since Pimp Mama Kris can't even drop a piss without the red light on a camera staring at her, her facelift will be on an episode of her show Krapping In The Kardashians. You know, each episode of that mess should be in black and white and narrated by Rod Sterling, because getting your face cut up on camera is some Twilight Zone shit. Anyway, Pimp Mama Kris got tapped with the scalpel about a month ago and E! has the rest of the details I know your ass cares about:

"I don't want to die," Kris joked, kind of, after calling it the "most stressful morning" of her life.

"Don't cry, you're going to be fine," Kim assured her mom.

So, what was she having done?

One look at the ever youthful Jenner and it's clear she wasn't exactly in need of a physical overhaul, so she opted only for a mini facelift, getting a little nip/tuck work done around her neck and eyes.

If you woke up next to Bruce Jenner's Michael Myers mask face and the Halloween theme song played in your head as you pissed fear into your pajama chonies every morning, wouldn't you wear pajama diapers to bed instead of pajama chonies? And also, wouldn't you be scared straight off the plastic surgeon's scalpel forever?! Seriously, I wouldn't even use that anti-aging cream shit out of fear that my pores will pucker and I'll look like a piece of freeze dried chicken paillard. Bruce face's will do that to a bitch. But not Kris! I guess the female Larry Dallas wants the entire Kardashian family to look like a row of Chinatown money cats at Kim's dumb ass wedding.

Above is a pre-lifted Kris with Bruce Jenner back in May and below is Kris with Vera Wang on June 30th.

You know that video of the original Fergie pushing her ex-husband Prince Andrew out on the ho stroll and then negotiating with johns for a piece of his ass? Well, Fergie tells Oprah that she was drunk and splayed out in the gutter at the time she was caught trying to whore out business access to Prince Andrew for $750,000.

Basically, Fergie is saying she was broke, boozed and desperate. Don't ask me how this is different from Fergie's usual state, but we'll let her serve us this shit for now. Just put your napkin on your lap and pretend like you've never seen this dish before.

Fergie, who hasn't seen the tape yet, told Gayle's scissor sister, "I haven't faced the devil in the face, because I was in the gutter at the moment. I'm aware of the fact that I've been drinking, you know, that I was not in my right place."

A source tells UsWeekly that nobody was shocked by the tape, because Fergie is broke and spends all the money she doesn't have on fancy clothes.

Once again the sweet nectar takes the fall! If Fergie wants to play the pimp game, she needs to embrace the part. Just grab your cane, stroke your feather and keep on, keep on. There's no shame in whoring out your loved ones for a shiny coin. Just ask Billy Ray Cyrus, White Oprah, Papa Joe, etc..etc..!

And apparently Queen Elizabeth is looking for a raise, so don't be surprised if you see her on tape trying to sell off her loved ones to the highest bidder. Raise that white gloved pimp hand, Queen!

The rumor about Michael Jackson's sexuality has flared up again, and this time Joe Jackson has something to say about it. Joe is shaking a pimp cane at Michael's former doctor Arnold Klein for saying that his son was indeed a lover of penis. Arnold Klein said that he knew Michael was doing gay sex stuff with his office manager Jason Pfeiffer.

This information is not new since Jason has been saying for years that he used to spread the butter on MJ's nalgas and lick brownie batter off of his porcelain body. Click here to see a picture of Jason so you know what I'm talking about.

Joe told TMZ that Arnold needs to shut his mouth about the gay talk. Joe said, "It's not true. Michael was not gay. He has no respect for Michael ... to say things about him when he's gone is shameful. He's a doctor and knows better than to break his vows against a patient."

You know what's shameful and disrespectful? Joe Jackson using the words "shameful" and "respect."

Of course Joe is going to deny this. There's no way he would ever admit Michael Jackson was gay FOR FREE! What kind of pimp do you take him for? Joe didn't fall out of the backseat of a maroon Cadillac yesterday. The only way Joe will say that Michael was gay is if People Magazine agreed to do a post-mortem "Yup, I was gay!" cover story.

Why would I not be surprised if Joe Jackson was caught on Michael Jackson's coffin trying to rip the diamond fillings (you know he had some) out of his teeth? Joe was already shut down by a judge after he tried to get a piece of MJ's estate. But Joe is trying to show the judge who the real pimp is, because he's challenging the court's decision.

TMZ reports that Joe filed papers echoing Randy Jackson's claims that someone forged MJ's signature on his last will. Joe also wants the judge to replace the current executors of MJ's estate.

Obviously, Joe Jackson is just pulling this evil shit, because he wants Satan to give up his title as the ruler of Hell to him. Joe wouldn't have shame if it crawled up his dick hole and took a nap. Joe's pimp hand always gets the last smack!

Well, Joe Jackson has done what we've all been waiting for him to do. He has opened up Michael Jackson's coffin and is searching it for loose change. TMZ reports that Pimp Daddy Joe has filed papers in L.A. asking for a piece of his son's estate even though he was left out of the will. Joe Jackson would make you take your orgasm back if you busted a nut before he did, so this bit of news is the opposite of shocking.

In the papers, Joe claims that Michael's estate has racked in over $100 million in the past 7 weeks, so it could afford to keep his pimp hand moisturized. Shameless Joe also says that Michael used to give Katherine $60,000 a month, and told her to give half to him. Joe listed all of his expenses which total over $15,000:

$2,500 for eating out
$2,000 for flying in airplanes
$3,000 for hotel rooms to take his Craigslist hos back to
$1,000 for grocery
$1,200 for rent
$50 for charity

Basically, all of Joe's money problems could be solved if he only ordered from the dollar menu at McDonald's, took his hos to a rest stop bathroom instead of a hotel room, only traveled on the Chinatown Bus and slept on the branch of a tree with the other vultures.

With Michael Lohan quickly becoming the world's most terrible parent, Joe Jackson had to do something drastic to keep a hold of his title. So there you go. His title is safe for now.