Everyone Can Go Home Now

Since President Obama has tapped John Kerry to be his Secretary Of State, there will be a vacant seat where a senator from Massachusetts used to sit. It was rumored that Ben Affleck was thinking of running for the spot, but he says there's no truth to that shit.

According to the Huffington Post:

"I love Massachusetts and our political process, but I am not running for office," he said. He vowed to continue his work with the Eastern Congo Initiative and with fighting hunger in the United States.

Allow me to translate. Ben knows that the people of Massachusetts remember Bennifer, and he had no chance of winning with that kind of poor ass decision making. WE'LL NEVER FORGET, BEN. Plus, Jennifer Garner told him no, spanked his ass, and sent him to his room.

When Olympic gold medal winning gymnast McKayla Maroney and President Obama got together at the White House, they just had to make the face that made her an overnight meme star. (It's also the same look your chocha makes whenever Todd Akin opens his mouth.)

And there's the grand finale of the McKayla Maroney is Not Impressed Meme. Stand up, clap as the curtain goes down, make your way out of the theater and make sure to get your parking validated before you leave the building, because this shit is done. Fin!

via Flickr

While most celebrities only tweeted "thoughts and prayers" to the victims of Hurricane Sandy, Brazilian model/actress/reality thing Nana Gouvêa actually got off of her ass and did something to help the people of Manhattan. Nana and her husband moved from Brazil to NYC, because the international fashion world needed an international supermodel like her. The morning after the hurricane hit, Nana put the skills she learned at São Paulo's Phoebe Price School Of Posing With Inanimate Objects to good use by starring in her own "Fame Whore Amongst the Destruction" photo shoot. The people around her were grateful, because for a second they stopped worrying about not having fucking electricity so they could roll an eye at her.

You might see a car that was destroyed by a falling tree, but Nana sees a posing playground. You might see destruction and ruined lives, but Nana sees the perfect backdrop for an American Apparel photo shoot. Nana really does have a gift, because notice how her dead eyes match the eery emptiness of the city. The lights aren't only off in lower Manhattan, they're off in Nana's head too.

Nana has already been declared a hero of Hurricane Sandy and Mayor Bloomberg will give her the key to the city (aka deportation papers) at a special ceremony next week. Nana's photo shoot has since gone viral and someone started a priceless Tumblr devoted to her posing in the middle of other disasters.

And that booming sound you hear is Tyra Banks banging her infinityhead against the wall, because she's mad at herself for not coming up with this shit. Once Tyra gets over that, I'm sure she'll hire Nana to be the new creative director on America's Next Top Model.

Elizabeth Taylor. Icon. Goddess. My Idol. She was an ethereal beauty and a shameless hussy, marrying 8 times to 7 men (Richard Burton twice) and not giving one crumb of a fuck what anyone thought about it. Everyone knows that she drank like a fish and had the mouth of a truckstop hooker, ate men like tic tacs and had more precious gems than the Crown Jewels. In other words, she was perfection. If the things they're saying about her in a new unauthorized biography called Elizabeth Taylor: There is Nothing Like a Dame are true though, she is quite possibly the sluttiest slut that ever slutted. SWOOOOOON.

Express.co.uk has some juicy tidbits from the book, like the fact that she seduced Ronald Regan when he was 36 and she was a teenager, and tried and failed to trap Frank Sinatra into marriage by pulling a Beyonce (you know, faking a pregnancy). But that's not even close to the best part. The book says she had a threesome with JFK and Robert Stack!!! Some bitches have all the luck.

Apparently, they were all innocently hanging out at the pool, like literally nekkid ass nekkid hanging out, when they turned the pool into a steamy sauna and all felt the need to get in a heap of humps. The only way this story could be any hotter is if it were JFK Jr., and if there was a lot more ME in it. Okay, maybe I'm alone in my thinking on that last part.

And HAHAHAHAHA @ LiLo thinking she's like la Liz!!! Bitch will always be a second class ho who has to steal her own cheap ass jewelry. Keep reaching for those stars girl.

At the Uffizi Gallery in Florence, Italy this morning, workers took down Botticelli's Birth of Venus and replaced it with this set of La Duquesa de Alba in a bikini pictures, because this is some real art that will splash your eyes with salty exquisiteness and diamond-dusted glamour. Venus had a good run, but the bitch is dusty and now it's time to pay homage to a fresh new modern day goddess of the sea.

The Daily Mail burned the tips of my eyelashes last week when they published a glorious gallery of pictures of the 86-year-old klingon dandelion the Duchess of Alba making bitches bow down in the sand at a beach in Formentera, Spain. Well, since yesterday was a holy day, the Duchess of Alba was back at the beach and with the help of her lady-in-waiting and her 61-year-old man toy of a husband, she cleansed the ocean water with the drops of holy nectar that seep out of her pores. Or she cleansed it by peeing. Either or.

The olds of my family are always saying shit like, "Getting old sucks." I don't know what they're crying about. Getting old is the best. You can curse out a kid and get away with it. And as these pictures prove, you can put on a two-piece and any hate thrown at you by younger bitches will have zero effect on you. Because any fucks you had left in your being, were humped out of your body earlier in the day by your 61-year-old hot piece.

Every ho, including this ho, is talking about Liberty Ross making her first red carpet appearance at the Lawless premiere in Hollywood last night, but everybody should be talking about how Shia LaDouche's mother, Shayna LaBeouf, and her ultra glamorous guest tucked every young bitch in by showing up looking like this. When Shayna shows up to a party with her gold gladiator heels on, that's every youngins' cue to turn on the night light, pull the sheet up to their neck and go to bed, because she's got this.

Just like Shayna's guest's hair, my body is sweeping to the side and is about to fall off its chair from being exposed to this kind of style. Shia might be a dirty douche bottle full of dick cheese, but he doesn't tell lies. Shayna really is an ethereal angel.

I'm just surprised that the skin of Shia's girlfriend Karolyn Pho hasn't lightened three shades from always standing in Shayna's glamorous shadow.

UPDATE: Right after I finish writing this update I'm going to punish myself by watching Kim Kardashian's sex tape in its entirety, because the side swept silver beauty with Shayna is one of the 3 Golden Sisters. Not recognizing a HS goddess is the worst crime of all.

If Samantha Brick could excuse her beauty, she would literally excuse her beauty, because it has brought her nothing but pain, suffering and jealous glares from hating bitches who wish they were born with a face as gorgeous as hers. In a heartbreaking piece for the literary journal of truth, The Daily Mail, Samantha bravely writes about society's prejudice against stunningly, exquisite flowers like herself. When strange men aren't lavishing gifts upon Samantha, their envious wives are throwing shade at her. As I organize a telethon to benefit the plight of the pretty, please open your not-as-beautiful hearts to Samantha's "don't hate me because I'm beautiful" tale:

On how you've got Visa, MasterCard or American Express, but Samantha's got something called natural beauty. (SAMANTHA'S FACE: Don't leave home without it!): "Throughout my adult life, I’ve regularly had bottles of bubbly or wine sent to my restaurant table by men I don’t know. Once, a well-dressed chap bought my train ticket when I was standing behind him in the queue, while there was another occasion when a charming gentleman paid my fare as I stepped out of a cab in Paris.

Another time, as I was walking through London’s Portobello Road market, I was tapped on the shoulder and presented with a beautiful bunch of flowers. Even bar tenders frequently shoo my credit card away when I try to settle my bill.
And whenever I’ve asked what I’ve done to deserve such treatment, the donors of these gifts have always said the same thing: my pleasing appearance and pretty smile made their day."

On how all women reading this now have green eyes:
"While I’m no Elle Macpherson, I’m tall, slim, blonde and, so I’m often told, a good-looking woman. I know how lucky I am. But there are downsides to being pretty — the main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks.

If you’re a woman reading this, I’d hazard that you’ve already formed your own opinion about me — and it won’t be very flattering. For while many doors have been opened (literally) as a result of my looks, just as many have been metaphorically slammed in my face — and usually by my own sex.

I’m not smug and I’m no flirt, yet over the years I’ve been dropped by countless friends who felt threatened if I was merely in the presence of their other halves. If their partners dared to actually talk to me, a sudden chill would descend on the room."

On how her friends want her to get Face/Off surgery with a paper bag:
"And it is not just jealous wives who have frozen me out of their lives. Insecure female bosses have also barred me from promotions at work.

And most poignantly of all, not one girlfriend has ever asked me to be her bridesmaid.

You’d think we women would applaud each other for taking pride in our appearances.

I work at mine — I don’t drink or smoke, I work out, even when I don’t feel like it, and very rarely succumb to chocolate. Unfortunately women find nothing more annoying than someone else being the most attractive girl in a room.
Take last week, out walking the dogs a neighbour passed by in her car. I waved — she blatantly blanked me. Yet this is someone whose sons have stayed at my house, and who has been welcomed into my home on countless occasions.

I approached a mutual friend and discreetly enquired if I’d made a faux pas. It seems the only crime I’ve committed is not leaving the house with a bag over my head.She doesn’t like me, I discovered, because she views me as a threat. The friend pointed out she is shorter, heavier and older than me."

On how she has been discriminated against in the workplace for being SO RAVISHING:
"Women, however, are far more problematic. With one phenomenally tricky boss, I eventually managed to carve out a positive working relationship. But a year in, her attitude towards me changed; the deterioration began when she started to put on weight. We were both employed by a big broadcasting company. One of our male UK chiefs recommended I take the company’s global leadership course, which meant doors would have opened for me around the world. All I needed were two personal recommendations to be eligible. As everyone in the office agreed I was good at my job, I didn’t think this would be a problem.

But while the male executive signed the paperwork without hesitation, my immediate boss refused to sign. When I asked her right-hand woman why, she pulled me to one side and explained that my boss was jealous of me."

On how old bitches are the meanest to her and how her husband (the hot piece below) loves it when men throw themselves at her demure feet:
"I find that older women are the most hostile to beautiful women — perhaps because they feel their own bloom fading. Because my husband is ten years older than me, his social circle is that bit older too.

As a Frenchman, he takes great pride in hearing other men declare that I’m a beautiful woman and always tells me to laugh off bitchy comments from other women."

On how she tries not to steal the attention from average-looking hos, but she can't help it:
"Take last summer and a birthday party I attended with my husband. At one point the host, who was celebrating his 50th, decided he wanted a photo with all the women guests. Positioning us, the photographer suggested I stand immediately to his right for the shot.

Another woman I barely knew pushed me out of the way, shouting it wasn’t fair on all the other women if I was dominating the snap. I was devastated and burst into tears. On my own in the loos one woman privately consoled me — well out of ear-shot of her girlfriends."

On how she can't wait to turn into an old hag:
"So now I’m 41 and probably one of very few women entering her fifth decade welcoming the decline of my looks. I can’t wait for the wrinkles and the grey hair that will help me blend into the background."

Some people fight the hot, but the hot is fighting Samantha. Devastating, I know. If you're assuming that Samantha has fallen so deep into the black hole of delusion that she lives in a White Oprah-like Twilight Zone world where she believes that women hate her for her life-ruining beauty when they really hate her because she's annoyingly crazy, then I need to tell you that's the jealousy talking. I would tell you to go take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror, but then you'd see that you're not as magically stunning as Samantha Brick. Then you'll feel sad inside and Samantha doesn't want that. Samantha doesn't want you feel as lonely as her. Samantha just wants you to look past her spellbinding beauty and love her for her.

"Bitch, now you know I how feel!" - Helen of Troy to Samantha of UK, a woman with a face that can launch a thousand LOLs.

If Jennifer Aniston had a baby for every time the tabloids said she was having a baby, she'd have more babies than Cabbage Patch Groom Dolls (read: a lot of fucking babies) and a child army to rival all child armies. If the tabloids aren't saying she's got a crying fetus in her womb, they're saying that she's crying in the fetal position inside of Beanie Baby Mountain (aka her safe place), because she got dumped again. But for the past few weeks, Star Magazine, The Enquirer and some others have been saying that Jennifer's dog is breathing a sigh of relief, because now that she's knocked up it no longer has to wear a bonnet while she tucks it into its crib at night. The Daily Mail is now co-signing all of that and their source is telling them that Jennifer is taking a break from barfing out romantic comedy after romantic comedy to be a mother:

"She wants to focus on herself and hopefully becoming a mother. She is thinking of launching her own fashion line which would allow her to spend more time at home."

But the fun haters at Gossip Cop asked Jen's publicist about this and he said her uterus still has a vacancy sign on it and she's not taking a break anytime soon.

Who to believe? On one hand, the tabloids have been nailing me in the head with their "The Last Sign of The Apocalypse: Jennifer Aniston is Having Twins" headlines so hard that I'm starting to believe it. But on the other hand, if Jennifer Aniston was pregnant, she'd put on a bikini bottom made from her latest sonogram scan, stick two positive pregnancy tests over her nipples and then run in front of her arch rival Maddox during one of his staged photo-ops.

We really shouldn't believe that Aniston is knocked up until we see Maddox with a defeated look on his face and a mourning outfit on his body. FYI: In the Brangelina world, a mourning outfit is anything that's not black.

Hit pause on your Anal Assault 19 clip, put down your Jergen's, and pull up your drawers. Masanobu Sato has got this. He's been declared the World's Champion Masturbator! He's even got a trophy that should totally be a bronze casting of a crumpled tissue but isn't. For you horny bitches who worry that your measly three shots a day in the stall at work might constitute a chronic masturbation problem which is going to get your ass fired when you're found out, think again. According to Kotaku, Sato's record is 9 HOURS AND 59 MINUTES. The judge needs to throw out GaGa's former assistant's sad-ass lawsuit and move on to this one, because Sato's dick has a better case! How does one's peen take that much punishment? The poor thing's probably in tiny traction by now with third degree chafing burns. Amnesty International needs to save that cock from its cruel captor causing it to dry-cum over and over again!

Sato has a live-in girlfriend (!!!) who he doesn't have sex with because she's busy making dresses and timing his efforts. And weeping.  Once you watch the vid, you'll note that their apartment is tiny. She must have an umbrella on standby due to his preference for porn. Yes, The World's Champion Masturbator has some hang-ups about sex with live girls. He doesn't even wank to live-action porn. He fucks his fist to hentai (NSFW) because girls are "dirty" and they "smell". Sato's lady and Kate Minor might have some self-esteem issues in common.

Japan is an interesting (read - sucio) place where you can purchase used panties from vending machines, so this is probably no big whoop for them.  One of their gameshows involves dudes racing each other after receiving enemas and riding bikes with the seats INSIDE THEM. How much is airfare to Japan from Boston? Check out Sato's story in the video below (NSFW).

As John Travolta kept wigs off of his head and fries in his mouth on the West Coast, Aretha Franklin showed him how a queen really does it by wearing a wig made of seasoned curly fries on top of her head in NYC. You should be bowing to Queen Aretha's "Goldilocks ate the Three Bears" look the same way her magnificent chichis are bowing down to the halo of golden ringlets hovering carefully above her hairline.

I bet every damn fashion designer showing at Fashion Week is heeling themselves straight in the taint (it can be done with stretching and squatting) for not matching their models' hair to their necklaces the way Aretha did. When supposed "fashion icon" Kate Middleton wears a necklace of mouse fur dipped in dishwater, you know where she it got from. ALL HAIL!