Chaz Bono

The air space over Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood was temporarily closed last night due to the toxic cloud of burnt polyester hair smoke, boiled Botox fumes and the hazardous fog that forms when Xtina smacks her lips together. It was the premiere of the soon-to-be multiple Razzie award winner Glitter Coyote Showgirls!!!

As Chaz Bono and his girlfriend Jennifer Ella looked on, Cher and Xtina (= Chertina, the most faaaaabulous narcotic on the streets) got all affectionate while hugging on each other. A team from poison control and the bomb squad had to stand by since even the world's most experienced chemists didn't know what would happen when that many chemicals rubbed together.

Well, all of us here already know what happens when that many chemicals rub together: A BOMB CALLED BURLESQUE IS BORN! No, I'm just joking. It's not going to be a bomb. Besides, I can already see the reviews flashing before me: "Tons of fucking sequins!!!!" - Roger Ebert

Chastity Bono is no more so take a lemon-scented wet nap and wipe that name from your memory (if you haven't already). Chaz Bono rolled down to the Santa Monica Courthouse today to legally drop the "tity" from his name and change his gender to male. The judge granted his wish and now Chaz Bono is a man. And by the looks of Chaz, he's like three or four men at least. A whole lotta dude. Officially!

TMZ says that Chaz stated on documents filed a couple of months ago that he surgically turned his poon into a peen last February. Chaz's doctor added that he has fully completed his gender reassignment surgery.

So now Chaz gets to feast in all the pleasures of being a dude, like getting kicked in the taint by a chick when you forget to put the seat up causing them to get a little piss on their nalgas. It's just piss on the ass! Kim Kardassian would pay good money for that shit.

But a little tip for Chaz, sometimes it's easier just to sit, tuck and piss instead of wasting your energy by pulling up that heavy ass seat. Or just pee in the sink. Anything to avoid overexertion.

If Audrey II chewed up both Hottie from Flavor of Love and Ursula the Sea Witch at the same time and then spat out a giant loogie, it would look like this glorious goddess you see before you.

It's Jaila Simms from Making the Band killing hos with her beauty at Saturday night's GLAAD Awards in Los Angeles. And I'm not just saying that. I think several hos actually died from choking on the wig glue fumes wafting off of Jaila's head. Not only did Jaila's wig put another crack in the ozone layer, but it looks like it's biting into her scalp and refusing to let go! But I guess you haven't really fought for glamour until your wig has eaten your forehead off. Bleeding for glamour: Jaila is doing it right!

In addition to Jaila, the GLAAD Awards also brought out other fanciful glittermeisters including: Chaz Bono (who is seriously turning into a giant penis head) with his girlfriend, The Discountess, McSteamy with Noxzema Girl, Glamberace, Johnny Weir, RuPaul, Bryan Batt, Chupacabra Zoe's assistant Brad, Apollonia and Candis Cayne.

Chaz Bono made his first public appearance last night since announcing that he's saying "bye bye" to his bagina and "hi hi" to a peen. Chaz came out with his girlfriend Jennifer Elia to support Benjamin Bratt's movie La Mission at L.A.'s Outfest last night.

Benjamin told ET that he was doing the dick slappy dance, because he was so happy that Chaz came out to celebrate the festival, "I think it's pretty auspicious, I think it takes a great deal of courage to be here and be part of that personal celebration. I've never met him, but I'm looking forward to it tonight, so we're happy to be here."

If my fuck time friend had eyebrows like Chaz's girlfriend, I'd take that bitch out wherever I went too. If it wasn't for Jennifer's beautiful sperm fish brows, she'd totally look like she's a lolita from Long Island. I bet you Jennifer doesn't even have to pluck 'em! She just pours a little nacho cheese around the edges and Chaz nibbles those unwanted hairs right off!