La Toya Jackson

On Sunday night's episode of the Celebrity Apprentice (which I'm not proud to say I watch), mega bitch Omarosa got all the way under La Toya Jackson's skin to the point where Toy Toy said that Omarosa's probably the one who gave Michael Clarke Duncan a heart attack. Who knew that La Toya has a shank that she's not afraid to use?

This mess all started when the crown jewel of the Jackson family became the project manager of her team, which Omarosa was on. Every time La Toya tried to make a decision or assign a task, Omarosa had to butt her ass in. Omarosa kept coming at La Toya and I kept waiting for Toy Toy to rip off her hair and handle a bitch. At one point, Omarosa had to remove herself from the task, because she heard that the media was about to leak the tape of the 911 call she made on the day her fiance Michael Clarke Duncan died and she needed to deal with that. La Toya and her team worked better without Omarosa, but they still lost.

In the board room, La Toya and Omarosa went at it even harder. When Omarosa started crying about how no reality show will ever come second to Michael Clarke Duncan, La Toya and everybody else on her team pretty much threw a chorus of side-eyes. Then La Toya really kicked Omarosa in the throat when she said this to the camera:

"Omarosa's fiance passed away not long ago. He had a heart attack, I'm sure she gave it to him."

La Toya didn't stop firing shots. After (SPOILER ALERT) La Toya was fired, she kicked at Omarosa even harder when she said this:

"Omarosa is the most evil person I have ever met. She's a no good, conniving scheming, cut-throat, probably pulled the cord on Michael Duncan Clarke."

As soon as La Toya said that, I just knew Omarosa would try to get revenge and she is. Omarosa's lawyer tells Radar that she plans to sue La Toya for defamation and for being more gorgeous than her:

La Toya Jackson’s statement on the March 17, 2013 episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice, that the Reverend Omarosa Manigault caused her fiancé Michael Clarke Duncan to die, is false, vicious and defamatory. Rev. Manigault has been heralded as a life saver for her actions on the evening that her fiancé suffered a life-ending heart attack. It is because of her bravery that Mr. Duncan — the love of Rev. Manigault’s life — was able to live for months beyond that tragic night. Mr. Duncan passed away from natural causes. Ms. Jackson made the statement immediately after having been “fired” off the show, and blames Rev. Manigault for her loss. It is repulsive and of the lowest level of class for Ms. Jackson, who showed herself to be a “sore loser” in making these disgusting statements in the wake of Rev. Manigault’s tragic loss.

As her counsel, we have been directed to pursue these defamatory statements to the fullest extent of the law with La Toya Jackson and any other participating publications or media outlets who repeat or repost these statements.

Omarosa better watch it, because if there's something to get to the bottom of, Detective La Toya will get to the bottom of it. Detective La Toya always gets to the bottom of EVERYTHING. I don't really know what I mean by that, but i missed typing it, so I thought I'd just throw it in here.

Since Detective La Toya has officially gotten to the BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING and single-handedly put Michael Jackson's shady ass doctor in prison (Side note: I shouldn't say single-handedly, because I'm pretty sure the Watson to her Sherlock, Bubbles, helped out by polishing her monocle at least once), her crime-solving days are over and now she can focus on a new career: pimping out MJ's kids for a quick check.

Page Six says that La Toya must've inherited Joe Jackson's talent at pimping (minus that whole "beating with a switch" thing), because she's managing the "careers" of Michael Jackson's kids and is getting them gigs. Auntie Toy Toy started a managing company called Jai-Tail Enterprises and right now the Jackson kids are her only clients. In just a few weeks, Auntie Toy Toy got 16-year-old Prince Michael a correspondent job on Entertainment Tonight and a guest starring role on the now-canceled 90210. Only the best and A-listiest gigs for Prince Michael! 15-year-old Paris Jackson recently booked a role in a movie, which starts filming in London later this year.

But all of those gigs are small time compared to the $10 million reality show deal that La Toya is working on right now. A source says that La Toya is out there selling a reality show starring the Jackson kids and Katherine Jackson. OWN is interested in the show and if La Toya closes the deal, she'll get 15% commission of that $10 million. The source says that the Jackson kids trust Auntie Toy Toy, because while their other aunts and uncles were kidnapping their memaw, she took them into the corner and whispered into their ears, "Stick with me kids and I'll make you STAHS!"

“She pounced while everyone else was making a lot of useless noise. It was her smoke screen, and she got it done. She told them how she knew [Michael] better than anybody else, and she knew he’d want them to follow their dreams; and because they were his children, they could be media and entertainment moguls. She had a blueprint. She sold it, and they bought it.

Prince wasn’t exactly eager to do ET, but could you tell? When the money is on the line, Toya is going to cash in. I wouldn’t bet against her."

You can say that Michael Jackson is probably moonwalking in his grave over the thought of his kids tap dancing for a check under the spotlight, but I doubt he is (he totally is). Michael Jackson trusts Auntie Toy Toy and knows that if anybody can whore his kids out with class, it's her. Toy Toy is obviously proving MJ right by turning Prince Michael into a glorified Billy Bush and getting him a role on the #1,687 show in the country 90210.

And Auntie Toy Toy's job as the Jackson kid's manager isn't complete until she gets Blanket Jackson a job as the new face of Salon Selectives. I mean, with a luxurious mane like that.

Katherine Jackson and TJ Jackson were officially named co-guardians of Paris, Blanket and Prince today, and in her declaration, Mama Jackson took off her wig, got comfortable and let it all out. In the declaration, Mama Jackson threw a "here comes the truth, heffas" side-eye at Janet, Randy, Jermaine and Rebbie when she said that she suspects she was tricked into taking that trip to Arizona. Mama Jackson has seen the light and she's spilling the truth. "I've got all your numbers, hussies!" - Mama Jackson to her sneaky bitch ass kids

TMZ says that Katherine was all set to drive to New Mexico to see her sons in concert, but then an unnamed doctor showed up to her house and told her that she should fly instead of taking a car. Katherine says she trusted her doctor, so she got on the plane, but was hit with a whole lot of WTF when she ended up in Tucson instead of New Mexico. When Katherine wondered why she was in Tucson, she was told that she has high blood pressure and needed to rest at a spa. If there's one thing a memaw can't resist, it's rest at a spa, so she went. When she got to the spa, her iPad and cell phone were taken away and the phone in her room was disconnected. Katherine couldn't even watch her stories on TV, because they shut the TV off. Suddenly she knew what it felt like to be one of Tommy Girl's wives.

Katherine didn't know her grandchildren were going crazy on Twitter about her being missing and she was constantly told that Paris, Blanket and Prince were fine. Katherine went on to write in the declaration, "At the time, I trusted the people I was with to be honest with me."

This leads me to the NEWS FROM THE GODS that fell onto my eyes like clouds made of glitter today. CNN says that Oprah has made the best decision of her career by giving La Toya Jackson a reality show on OWN. Unfortunately, La Toya's show isn't a reality version of Murder She Wrote and doesn't follow her as she solves crimes, but her show will still save the entire network. Oprah can thank Detective La Toya later. The thing is, La Toya's show doesn't air until 2013 and it hasn't even started shooting yet. So why didn't Randy and his band of plastic-faced kidnappers wait until La Toya's show started shooting before they put their scheme into motion?

All the drama could've been captured in front of reality TV cameras and in the show's season finale, La Toya could've rescued Katherine from her spa prison! You know, Detective La Toya would've gone undercover as a maid, snuck into Katherine's room and escaped through the air conditioning vents before zip-lining across the property to a waiting helicopter. But noooo, Randy and those bitches would never let that happen, because they are jealous of La Toya and won't ever let her be great. Selfish bitches!

While most of the Jackson family wrestles each other on a mountain of Michael Jackson's fortune, we've all been wondering where the only Jackson we care about has been. Where was La Toya Jackson? Was Detective La Toya so deep under cover that the only way to contact her was to pass notes to Bubbles? Did crazy Randy Jackson kidnap La Toya too after realizing that she's the crown jewel of the Jackson family and the executors of MJ's estate would hand over everything to get her back? Has La Toya been oblivious to all of this foolery, because she's been holed up in a German plastic surgeon's office getting another pair of rubber testicles installed in her cheeks? The correct answer is: None of those!

TMZ says that La Toya has been missing in action, because she's been too busy thinking with her brain unlike the others. La Toya is reading all the Jacksons and is telling them to turn down the crazy and stop fighting in public. TMZ's source says that La Toya isn't taking sides and is shaking her head at her brothers and sisters being fame whores by putting their family disputes in front of the cameras. La Toya has told all of them to handle this far away from the media.

Yes, La Toya is coming out of this as the sane one. You should probably hold on to something sturdy, because the sheer force of minds blowing over this will make the earth tip over. When La Toya looks deep into your insane eyes and tells you calmly that you're a "crazy fame whore," you need to start whistling out steam, because you're a fucking kettle. It's that serious.

In other Jackson family mess news, UsWeekly says that Katherine Jackson and TJ Jackson will file for joint guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince. As long as Katherine and TJ both agree to keep MJ's kids far away from Jermaine's scary hard nipples, this could work.

While I sipped from a plastic cup full of Yellow Tail sparkling wine on the lawn of a Williamstown, MA hotel next to some annoying ass little brats playing Marco Polo in the hot tub (Tip of the day: If you want to play the worst game of Marco Polo EVER, play it in a hot tub. Who does that?), J. Harvey posted about how the Jackson family were really close to putting a picture of Katherine Jackson on the back of every carton of Jesus Juice. They couldn't find the reigning matriarch of the Jackson family and even filed a missing persons report with the LAPD. But Detective La Toya can put down her magnifying glass and stop running around the streets of Europe while screaming (in an Ashley Judd voice), "WHERE IS MY MOM?!!!"

The Washington Post says that the LAPD called off a search yesterday after they talked to Katherine Jackson who's in Arizona with Rebbie Jackson. The story goes that Katherine's doctor told her to rest and stay away from the phone, so she packed up her restin' wig and headed to Arizona. That is why she has not called any of the children she's legally required to take care of.

I love how Katherine Jackson isn't even trying to get a fuck and has forced Paris Jackson to spread the foolery on Twitter. Memaw Katherine didn't leave a note and didn't even fill a giant bowl with Cheerios and milk so her grandchildren have something to nibble on for nourishment while she's away. None of that. Sometimes a memaw just really needs to drop off the face of her grandchildrens' lives to smooth her splintery nerves on the sweet moves Rebbie Jackson throws down while performing an acoustic version of Centipede in the rec room.

Katherine Jackson might not be missing, but whatever is left of my soul is after I died for five seconds while looking at that picture of her in a side-eye showdown with Toy Toy.

Detective La Toya has hung up her magnifying glass now that she's officially gotten to the bottom of EVERYTHING and I've been waiting to see who would inherit to her deerstalker cap. Enter crazy ass bitch Nancy Grace who wants to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING, everything being Whitney Houston's death. It's looking like Whitney's Calgon nightmare happened because she overdosed, but Nancy Grace isn't buying it. During an interview with CNN the other day, Nancy said she wants to know who gave Whitney those pills and who let Whitney drown in the tub. Dun dun dun...

"I'd like to know who was around her, who, if anyone gave her drugs...and who let her slip, or pushed her, underneath that water? Apparently, no signs of force or trauma to the body. Who let Whitney Houston go under the water? They were medicating her out the yin-yang."

"Is this going to medicate me out of the ying-yang?" is what I'm going to ask the clerk at CVS when I buy my next box of Claritin, because that is a phrase that needs to be used more often.

I'm happy that Detective Nancy is searching the foggy cobblestone streets for clues into the death of Whitney Houston since somebody has to, but somebody should also investigate why Nancy Grace suddenly cares about a case that doesn't involve a missing white woman. Something in the milk ain't clean about that.

via HuffPo

Just a few days after Michael Jackson's death, Detective La Toya slipped on her monocle, crept through shadows and vowed to catch and bring to justice the murderer who killed her precious brother! Cut to today, a jury just found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of involuntary manslaughter. Dr. Con will have to sit in a cell until he's sentenced on the 29th.

La Toya always gets her man. Watson (aka Blanket), get Detective La Toya's pipe ready, because she will be taking a few victory puffs when she gets home. RELEASE THE DOVES!

Jennifer Hudson got on the bad side of Michael Jackson's spirit by pulling out of his tribute concert due to "production problems" after collecting her check, and the audience ran to the exit out of fear when Xtina dropped to the stage looking like Jabba the Drunk Slutt that will suck, fuck and eat everything in its path, but the show was saved by the luminescent goddess angel that is LA TOYA JACKSON!

Looking like an X-ray that got exposed too soon, Detective La Toya got to the bottom of GLAMOUR and TALENT in Wales at last night's hot wreck of a Michael Jackson Tribute Concert which was less of a tribute concert and more of another way of making money off of Michael Jackson. But I'm not mad, because if it didn't happen then Toy Toy would've never covered the stage with layers of exquisite perfection as she hypnotized the eyes of thousands with her natural born talent while wearing a jacket with gigantic bedazzled butt plugs on the shoulders. Or maybe those were rhinestone-encrusted candy corn tops, which would explain why Xtina tried to mount one while licking on the other.

The Jackson children were also there last night and if you need an official review of this tribute concert, you'll find the best one in Blanket's side-eye.

Detective La Toya was on The Talk yesterday to peddle her new memoirs and she dropped a story about the time her late ex-husband tried to sell her chocha to Mike Tyson. Let's play a game! The price tag on La Toya's nipple read one of the following:

a) Evander Holyfield's ear
b) a fleet of synchronized flying pigeons
c) $100,000
d) Joe Jackson's smug ass grin wiped from his face

The answer should be "b," because it would make so much sense that Mike Tyson is only turning himself into The Pigeon Whisperer so that one day he'll have a fleet impressive enough to win La Toya's down low giggle box. The answer is really "c." Yeah. La Toya said this about her abusive ex-husband Jack Gordon:

"Mike Tyson later told my mother and father and some other friends that he had told him that if he wanted to sleep with me he has to pay $100,000. I was in brothels and everything….he made me do Playboy twice and had me sit on the stage and say “Oh no, it was all my idea”…and I had to do that because I knew what he said he would do, he would do it.“

Now you will never hear me say that a wet rumble with La Toya isn't worth $100,000, but is she sure her mama heard right? Mike Tyson's got a lisp like Donald Duck with a burnt tongue, so maybe he really said "one hundred flighty pigeons." Because again, that would make sense on every level.

via The Life Files

Donald Trump and the producers of Celebrity Apprentice are wrong for making us sit through all 666 hours of last night's finale without delivering at least one quote of wisdom from the bump on my log (that didn't sound right) Dionne Atwarwithallthosehussieswick! As pretty much expected, Jabba the Trump (SPOILER ALERT) fired Marlee Matlin and burped out that John Rich was the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. How do you say "fuck this shit" in sign language? You know who would know? Dionne Warwick! But she was M.I.H.H.A. (missing in hussy hating action)!

Donald Trump never explained why the true star of the show wasn't at the finale. Nobody brought it up! They didn't even cut to a live stream of crusty old Dionne huffing at the lukewarm madness from the comfort of her stained La-Z-Boy in her TV room. There was no mention of the grouchy bat who gave that show life! That's like going to a Catholic mass where the priest never brings up Jesus' name!

When Trump asked everyone who should win, I really needed to see Grandma Dionne lower her shades and throw a coward-killing cut eye while saying, "None of these trollops! Now where's that hot supper I was promised?" When Star Jones accused NeNe Leakes of attacking all the black females on the show, I really needed Dionne to pull a switch out of her extra-large cardigan pocket and spook the silence into both of those hyena heffahs. When Marlee, John Rich and a chorus of signing children performed a cheese-jerker of a song, I really needed Dionne to slap one of those kids on the head after thinking they were flipping her off.

Beautiful bitchy moments. That's what Dionne is for...and sadly she wasn't there to provide any.