La Toya Jackson

Just a few days after Michael Jackson's death, Detective La Toya slipped on her monocle, crept through shadows and vowed to catch and bring to justice the murderer who killed her precious brother! Cut to today, a jury just found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of involuntary manslaughter. Dr. Con will have to sit in a cell until he's sentenced on the 29th.

La Toya always gets her man. Watson (aka Blanket), get Detective La Toya's pipe ready, because she will be taking a few victory puffs when she gets home. RELEASE THE DOVES!

Jennifer Hudson got on the bad side of Michael Jackson's spirit by pulling out of his tribute concert due to "production problems" after collecting her check, and the audience ran to the exit out of fear when Xtina dropped to the stage looking like Jabba the Drunk Slutt that will suck, fuck and eat everything in its path, but the show was saved by the luminescent goddess angel that is LA TOYA JACKSON!

Looking like an X-ray that got exposed too soon, Detective La Toya got to the bottom of GLAMOUR and TALENT in Wales at last night's hot wreck of a Michael Jackson Tribute Concert which was less of a tribute concert and more of another way of making money off of Michael Jackson. But I'm not mad, because if it didn't happen then Toy Toy would've never covered the stage with layers of exquisite perfection as she hypnotized the eyes of thousands with her natural born talent while wearing a jacket with gigantic bedazzled butt plugs on the shoulders. Or maybe those were rhinestone-encrusted candy corn tops, which would explain why Xtina tried to mount one while licking on the other.

The Jackson children were also there last night and if you need an official review of this tribute concert, you'll find the best one in Blanket's side-eye.

Detective La Toya was on The Talk yesterday to peddle her new memoirs and she dropped a story about the time her late ex-husband tried to sell her chocha to Mike Tyson. Let's play a game! The price tag on La Toya's nipple read one of the following:

a) Evander Holyfield's ear
b) a fleet of synchronized flying pigeons
c) $100,000
d) Joe Jackson's smug ass grin wiped from his face

The answer should be "b," because it would make so much sense that Mike Tyson is only turning himself into The Pigeon Whisperer so that one day he'll have a fleet impressive enough to win La Toya's down low giggle box. The answer is really "c." Yeah. La Toya said this about her abusive ex-husband Jack Gordon:

"Mike Tyson later told my mother and father and some other friends that he had told him that if he wanted to sleep with me he has to pay $100,000. I was in brothels and everything….he made me do Playboy twice and had me sit on the stage and say “Oh no, it was all my idea”…and I had to do that because I knew what he said he would do, he would do it.“

Now you will never hear me say that a wet rumble with La Toya isn't worth $100,000, but is she sure her mama heard right? Mike Tyson's got a lisp like Donald Duck with a burnt tongue, so maybe he really said "one hundred flighty pigeons." Because again, that would make sense on every level.

via The Life Files

Donald Trump and the producers of Celebrity Apprentice are wrong for making us sit through all 666 hours of last night's finale without delivering at least one quote of wisdom from the bump on my log (that didn't sound right) Dionne Atwarwithallthosehussieswick! As pretty much expected, Jabba the Trump (SPOILER ALERT) fired Marlee Matlin and burped out that John Rich was the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. How do you say "fuck this shit" in sign language? You know who would know? Dionne Warwick! But she was M.I.H.H.A. (missing in hussy hating action)!

Donald Trump never explained why the true star of the show wasn't at the finale. Nobody brought it up! They didn't even cut to a live stream of crusty old Dionne huffing at the lukewarm madness from the comfort of her stained La-Z-Boy in her TV room. There was no mention of the grouchy bat who gave that show life! That's like going to a Catholic mass where the priest never brings up Jesus' name!

When Trump asked everyone who should win, I really needed to see Grandma Dionne lower her shades and throw a coward-killing cut eye while saying, "None of these trollops! Now where's that hot supper I was promised?" When Star Jones accused NeNe Leakes of attacking all the black females on the show, I really needed Dionne to pull a switch out of her extra-large cardigan pocket and spook the silence into both of those hyena heffahs. When Marlee, John Rich and a chorus of signing children performed a cheese-jerker of a song, I really needed Dionne to slap one of those kids on the head after thinking they were flipping her off.

Beautiful bitchy moments. That's what Dionne is for...and sadly she wasn't there to provide any.

The hot cloud of rage that Meat Loaf spewed at Gary Busey last week must've wafted up NeNe Leakes' rotated nostrils last night, because she hit the bell and went after Detective La Toya Jackson with a vengeance. Before all of this went down, the women's team won the challenge over the men's team even though La Toya's leadership skills were as broke down as Mark McGrath's corroded nostrils (there really are a lot of fucked up nostrils on that show). During the challenge and in the board room, NeNe let it be known to everyone that she's not a fan of Bubbles' godmother and thinks La Toya is just putting on a precious little princess act. When Trump dismissed them after their win, NeNe pulled out her nuts and nearly blew the silicone cartilage out of La Toya's nose.

NeNe kept calling La Toya "Casper" and said that she's only famous because of her last name. This coming from a bitch who is famous for absolutely NOTHING. Don't get me wrong, I want NeNe to narrate my funeral because she's such a bitch, but she committed an illegal act when she went after the forever precious Detective La Toya for pretty much no reason. NeNe only puffed her chest, because she's trying to be the resident bitch now that grand daddy cunt Dionne Warwick is gone. But if Dionne was there, she would've shut down that Alice the Goon looking ho down with the wave of a finger and the slight flare of a nostril. NeNe needs to stay sitting and know her place before Dionne pops her head through one of the ceiling tiles to say, "You a coward, baby."

And besides that, Detective La Toya is not the one EVER. La Toya's got her monocle out and she's going to get to the bottom of the skeleton's in NeNe's closet. She's going to find some shit out. I can't wait for next week's episode when Detective La Toya destroys NeNe by revealing that she was really born a Dominican boy named Neethanel Fugas.

I will not disagree with anybody who says that Gary Busey is a grand master of poetry whose language skills are so advanced that only Teletubbies truly know what he's saying (and vice versa). If NBC published the transcript of every episode of Celebrity Apprentice it would be filed into the American poetry section of your local library and that's partly because of the trailer mix of words that come flying out of his mouth. Well, technically they hit his bumper teeth, bounce off of his tonsils and then they come flying out of his mouth.

Like at the beginning of last night's episode, Gary shook the hand of the CEO of Camping World and said, "I know nothing's free, but my heart to your heart is free. Did you hear that?" POETRY! So beautiful it should be etched into crack rocks. And then Gary left Ivanka Trump completely hypnotized when he dazzled her with one of his homegrown acronyms (example: FREEDOM = Facing Real Exciting Energy Developing Our Miracles). GARY (Geezer Ass Rascal Yapping) is amazing! Not only does he have the face of Fire Marshall Bill, but he spits out the fiery truth too!

With all that being said, the quote of the night belongs to Ms. Dionne Warwick! Dionne Warwick is your run of the mill grouchy old bitch who doesn't give a fuck today and definitely won't give a fuck tomorrow. So Dionne spent 3 hours browsing for placemats and didn't come up with anything. She don't give a fuck! So everybody on the team is mad that Dionne hates deaf people. She don't give a fuck! But Dionne did give a fuck last night when she got in project manager Niki Taylor's face and had a few suggestions for how the team should be run. It ended with Dionne blurting out the line of the night: I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER, HUSSY!

"I've Got Your Number, Hussy!" should really be the name of Dionne's comeback single. I thought "hussy" died with the plague, but Dionne brought it out of its casket and gave it new life! I swear, I just want to piss Dionne off (which isn't hard) so she can call me a HUSSY (Harlots Undermining Sassy Sexy Yodelers).

And let's really end this post with a BANG in the form of Detective La Toya's trailer outfit from last night.

She looks like an Appalachian child hooker circa 1991 who is off to Las Vegas for a better life.

If there was ever an image I'd get tattooed to the inside of my eye lids, this would be it. It's the forever glamorous Detective La Toya Jackson and the forever gorgeous La Duquesa de Alba sharing the same frame at the International Horse Fair in Sevilla, Spain yesterday!!! This is like watching a unicorn catch a falling star in its mouth. Now the words "beauty" and "magic" know where to go when they need a shot of inspiration.

You might already be on your knees worshiping this picture while listening to this post via Microsoft Sam. If that's the case, keep bowing! While you do that, I'm going to call my optometrist to ask if he can stain glass this piece of photographic art to my contact lenses.

MichaelJackson.com released a new song called "Breaking News" they say Michael Jackson recorded at a home studio in New Jersey back in 2007. The song will be on a new posthumous Michael Jackson album coming out later next month. Sony is swearing on their everything that it's Michael Jackson's voice on the song, but several members of the Jackson family including Katherine, La Toya, Prince and Paris think it's an impostor voice!

Listen and judge for yourself:

You know, it could be Michael Jackson. But then again it could be Bubbles yodeling into a voice changer or patched together clips from Justin Bieber's baby monitor. I don't know, but I do know that the song better be shaking in its notes, because Detective La Toya has got her magnifying glass pressed firmly against her iPod and she's about to crack this shit wide open!

via Towleroad

The cast of The Whore Pit Viper Extravaganza (official name: Celebrity Apprentice) hasn't been officially announced yet, but Donald Trump's gang of wrecks met in Las Vegas last weekend for a launch party before shooting starts in NYC, so names have leaked and it's a mess. I knew Detective La Toya was doing it, but I didn't know about Gary Busey. It almost reads like the patient list on a sign-in sheet at a crazy house. Here's the supposed cast list courtesy of Zap2It:

Detective La Toya Jackson: Beauty icon, Bubbles' confidante and protegee of Sherlock Holmes.
Mark McGrath: The evil and Sun-In-ed minion responsible for that annoying "Fly" song.
Dionne Warwick: Singer, actress, my messenger and alleged friend of the good shit.
Jose Canseco: Former baseball player, former roid aficionado and former Madge victim.
Lil Jon: Rapper and dentist's nightmare (or dream, depending on the dentist).
Star Jones: A LAWYER and Gay Al Reynolds' ex purse holder.
Gary Busey: Crazy's best customer, of course, of course.
Marlee Matlin: Oscar winning actress!!
David Cassidy: The ghost of Justin Bieber's future.
Niki Taylor: Supermodel and co-host of that Make Me A Supermodel tragedy
Meat Loaf: Like you need to ask....
Nene Leakes: One of the Real Foreclosed Housewives of Atlanta.
Lisa Rinna: Actress, reality star, store owner, and lip abuser.
Richard Hatch: First winner of Survivor, tax cheater and the winner of Mr. Sweet Prison Nalgas '08.
Hope Dworaczyk: Some trick.
John Rich: One half of the country duo Big & Rich.

Star Jones is going to wish she still had some chunk when NeNe tries to stomp on her in the boardroom. Lil Jon is going to wish he was bald when Gary Busey refuses to stop nibbling on his dreads. And EVERYONE is going to wish they didn't sign up for this mess when Detective La Toya reveals all of their secrets in front of a roaring fireplace.

When this shit is over Trump Tower will be nothing but dust and all that will be left will be Donald Trump's hair and one of Gary Busey's Chiclets. I can't wait.

Disguised as the most glamorous resident at a Boca retirement center who teaches Jazzercise under the gazebo by the pool on Tuesdays and who always talks about how an African prince gave her that safari hat when she was a missionary back in the 80s (TRUTH: Bitch got at the Jungle Cruise gift shop at Disney World), Detective La Toya landed in NYC yesterday to continue her journey through the foggy cobble stone streets to finally strike at the hand who is responsible for her brother's death!!!!

And while she's here, Detective La Toya is also going to do Celebrity Apprentice with Dionne Warwick and Lisa Rinna. Maybe La Toya can use her skills to get TO THE BOTTOM of why Donald Tramp (typo and it stays) always has to talk in a screamy voice.