I declared to myself that Julianne Moore could do no wrong when I watched her tearfully cry out, "I sucked other men's cocks," in Magnolia, but she has done wrong for the first time in the history of forever.
At the Bvlgari Celebration of Elizabeth Taylor's Jewelry Collection in Beverly Hills last night, the ginger goddess wore a $6 million diamond and emerald necklace that Richard Burton gave to La Liz during the shooting of Cleopatra in Rome. Some source tells People that when Julianne walked into the room, everybody including Drew Barrymore, Kiki Dunst, Naomi Watts and Marisa Tomei stopped to stare at the necklace. Yeah, the entire room pressed pause, because they couldn't believe that Julianne wore that necklace with daytime hair, a red dress and beige heels. Who wears that necklace with beige heels?!
Who ever styled Julianne did her ass wrong in the worst way possible. The only way to wear that necklace is to wear it with a headdress made of hypodermic needles, e-cigarettes and an FTD bouquet.
That necklace just doesn't shine on Julianne Moore the same way it shined on Elizabeth Taylor. But maybe that's because Lindsay Lohan snatched the real one and replaced it with a replica made of beer bottle glass and Barbie earrings. That's probably the real case.
It's probably impossible to top Lindsay Lohan's complicated, multi-layer and emotionally raw performance as Elizabeth Taylor, but Helena Bonham Carter is going to try. (Note: A popped pimple on Helena Bonham Carter's ass could top Lindsay Lohan's performance.) BBC4 is doing their own Liz & Dick movie and they got HBC to play Elizabeth Taylor and Jimmy McNulty from The Wire (born name: Dominic Gerard Fe West) to play Richard Burton.
BBC4's Burton & Taylor will only focus on the short time in 1983 when La Liz and Richard Burton starred in Private Lives together on Broadway. Liz and Dick weren't bumping nipples at the time, but they were still fighting and getting crazy backstage. HBC told the Daily Mail that she knows her face looks nothing like La Liz's face, but it's not about that and blah blah blah:
"I look nothing like her for a start but it’s about capturing the essence of them at a particular time. She was and continues to be a fascinating woman and she was a huge star. There’s no one comparable around now."
The world doesn't need another movie about Elizabeth Taylor the same way Grey Goose doesn't need another call from White Oprah begging them to let her be a taste tester, but at least Helena Bonham Carter can step away from playing a psychotic, crazy-eyed, twig-covered forest witch in ANOTHER Tim Burton movie. But really, I'd rather Helena Bonham Carter put on her witch makeup from Big Fish to play Lindsay Lohan in a BBC4 biopic about the making of Lifetime's Liz & Dick.
And more importantly, when are we going to get a biopic about the life of von Ryan from the White Diamonds commercials?!
Elizabeth Taylor. Icon. Goddess. My Idol. She was an ethereal beauty and a shameless hussy, marrying 8 times to 7 men (Richard Burton twice) and not giving one crumb of a fuck what anyone thought about it. Everyone knows that she drank like a fish and had the mouth of a truckstop hooker, ate men like tic tacs and had more precious gems than the Crown Jewels. In other words, she was perfection. If the things they're saying about her in a new unauthorized biography called Elizabeth Taylor: There is Nothing Like a Dame are true though, she is quite possibly the sluttiest slut that ever slutted. SWOOOOOON.
Express.co.uk has some juicy tidbits from the book, like the fact that she seduced Ronald Regan when he was 36 and she was a teenager, and tried and failed to trap Frank Sinatra into marriage by pulling a Beyonce (you know, faking a pregnancy). But that's not even close to the best part. The book says she had a threesome with JFK and Robert Stack!!! Some bitches have all the luck.
Apparently, they were all innocently hanging out at the pool, like literally nekkid ass nekkid hanging out, when they turned the pool into a steamy sauna and all felt the need to get in a heap of humps. The only way this story could be any hotter is if it were JFK Jr., and if there was a lot more ME in it. Okay, maybe I'm alone in my thinking on that last part.
And HAHAHAHAHA @ LiLo thinking she's like la Liz!!! Bitch will always be a second class ho who has to steal her own cheap ass jewelry. Keep reaching for those stars girl.
"She's pretty much Elizabeth Taylor reincarnated" is the line that came out of Grant Bowler's mouth in this behind-the-scenes shit for Lifetime's Liz & Dick and I can't believe those words came out of his talk hole without his family and loved ones showing up in the frame to calmly take his hand and walk him to rehab since he's obviously beyond high on the wrong stuff. After Grant spit up that butt corn of delusion, I totally expected to see a giant net fall over his body and for him to scream as two men in white coats dragged him to a waiting van, because he's talking CRAZY!
Does his ass even know what "reincarnated" means? Maybe he thinks it means that Lindsay Lohan has taken Elizabeth Taylor's image, butchered it until it's barely recognizable and then sold it in pieces at a carniceria in the valley, because if that's what he mean then he's making sense.
How can Grant say that mess of words when he's sitting there staring at Lindsay Lohan looking more like Elizabloat Taylor than Elizabeth Taylor. Whatever it is LiLo gave you to snort, Grant, stop it before more loads of crazy spew out of your mouth and before your nose looks like this:
It wasn't NOT funny!
(pic of Mr. Busted Coke Nose via DM)
It's an old lez as Old Liz! Thanks to a luscious nest of black polyester hair and a whole lot of prosthetics to make the weathered and meth-damaged leather mask she calls a face look younger, Lindsay Lohan actually looks glamorous as a 1980s era Elizabeth Taylor. Lifetime released a few more stills from Liz & Dick (or as future historians will call it, the biggest disaster of 2012) and the make-up team should go ahead and collect their Emmy now for making a haggard mess look like a glamorous blossom from the 1980s. Yes, LiLo looks like Larry Fortensky in La Liz drag, but she's still never looked hotter. Bitch actually looks younger.
In other LiLo news, the owner of the trailer Elizabeth Taylor used while filming Cleopatra tells CNN that she is not happy with the producers of Liz & Dick, because when she lent it to them, it was in pristine condition and it came back to her looking like a freckled tornado of crack smoke hit it hard. Angel Alger spent $58,000, her entire life savings, to buy the trailer in June. Two days after she bought it, she let the producers of Liz & Dick borrow it for a week. The producers wanted to use it, because it's where Elizabeth and Richard Burton humped on each other between shooting scenes for Cleopatra.
When Angel got the trailer back, it looked like the inside of LiLo's nostrils: cracked, burned and jacked up. There were cigarette burns everywhere, dishes were cracked and even a rocking chair was missing. Angel estimates that the damage totals around $100,000. An insurance type from the studio met with Angel and toured the trailer earlier this month, but so far they haven't compensated her at all.
You'll never guess whose name burped out of Angel's mouth when CNN asked her who she thinks trashed her trailer:
"Only a psychotic and rebellious person or people would steal irreplaceable museum belongings and leave it in this vandalized condition."
In other words: You know who. Blow out a coke booger if you need a clue. Angel thinks it's LiLo, because DUH, and also because an employee from the studio told her that LiLo and her friends had access to it after shooting each night. But LiLo's rep, who earns credits toward getting his PhD in lie-telling with each statement he releases, denies it was her.
Hopefully, Angel gets some money out of this (she won't), but in the meantime, if she needs to calm her tattered nerves, she should just walk into the trailer, hold down one of her nostrils and snort real deep, because I'm sure there's a huge cloud of coke dust in there.
And here's more stills from Liz & Dick including one with Richard Burton (played by Grant Bowler) and one of LiLo as Kleptopatra.
Earlier I posted a picture that was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, but looked more like somebody's uncle in five cent drag as Lara Flynn Boyle. Lifetime is trying to wipe that skid mark of a picture with this official photo of LiLo as Liz and Grant Bowler as Richard Burton. This some "I vant to suck the coke in your blood" shit, but it's an upgrade. If the entire movie is shot in black & white, every frame is Photoshopped and they only shoot half of LiLo's face, it might work! And now that I look at that picture again. It doesn't look like Dracula. It looks like he's doing a line off her neck.
And here's LiLo shooting scenes today in Marina Del Rey and sort of kind of not really looking totally like Elizabeth Taylor....during her Larry Fortensky era. If LiLo came to a Halloween party dressed like this and told you she was Elizabeth Taylor, you'd nod your head and think to yourself that you'll probably see the resemblance after you crack a full vodka bottle open over your head and pour its contents into your drink hole.
Billy Bush, the Teddy Ruxpin doll who was brought to life by The Blue Fairy, heard from one of his sources (read: WHITE OPRAH!!!) that professional fuck-up and star of TMZ's live court feeds, Lindsay Lohan, has landed the role of Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime's biopic Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story. There's a catch, though. Lifetime asked RuPaul to come to their offices and stand in front of LiLo while letting out those magic words: DON'T FUCK IT UP!
Access Hollywood says that Lifetime will give Blohan the role if she follows the rules of her probation and doesn't snort her way to more trouble. After sixty five million chances, LiLo is finally doing the shit she's supposed to do and if she continues to not fuck up, her probation will end in March. That Lifetime mess is supposed to start filming sometime after that.
Lifetime movies are the perfect thing to get into when you've got time, no friends and a whole Entenmann's devil's food cake, and those bitches are trying to mess this up by casting Blohan. They are only feeding her addiction to thinking she has a bond with classic movie stars. They're enabling her creepiest addiction of all. I'd rather see Lifetime movie queen Meredith Baxter-Burney as Elizabeth Taylor.
I don't really see this happening, though. Like LiLo is really going to show up on time. The only way she's going to show up when she's supposed to is if Lifetime builds all of their sets in the bathroom of Chateau Marmont. It's going blow ("Did somebody say blow?" - White Oprah) up somehow. The chances of Elizabeth Taylor's corpse playing Lindsay Lohan in a Lifetime movie are probably greater than LiLo playing La Liz.
"At least that raggedy crackamuffin bitch is shitting on your grave instead of mine for a change!" is what Marilyn Monroe said to Elizabeth Taylor up in the smoking lounge in heaven last night after Deadline reported that Lifetime is willing to go bankrupt from spending all of its money on prosthetics, CGI, sandblast equipment and black magic to turn Lindsay Lohan into a Elizabeth Taylor for a biopic. Lifetime can officially change its slogan from Lifetime: Television for Women into Lifetime: We Just Don't Give A Fuck Anymore.
This mess, which doesn't make sense, would make sense if LiLo was going to play Last Days Liz or Currently In The Grave Liz, but she's in talks to play a young Elizabeth Taylor in Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story. Who the hell is going to play Richard Burton? Pete Doherty? (Okay, I'd erase everything in my Tivo to record that mess.)
You know, I'm all for HoHan tripping her way up to a Drew Barrymore-like comeback and she probably sees this Lifetime shit as her own personal Amy Fisher TV movie, but she just isn't the one to play La Liz. This is ILLEGAL! Liz had a voice like a sweet piece of velvet and HoHan has a voice like a sweet piece of velvet after it got ran over by a semi-truck, used as toilet paper by a homeless junkie and chewed up by a crackhouse rat. The only ho in the world of Elizabeth Taylor that Lindsay Lohan should play is Larry Fortensky.
La Liz herself said it best:
You hear that, Lifetime? Unless you're planning on digging up Liz's corpse, just stop! Actually, maybe that's not a bad idea. Liz's corpse would look better on camera, give a more believable performance and would never get caught doing lines with her mother on the toilet seat in her bathroom trailer.
If you told me that Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando fled New York City in a rental car after 9/11 and made several pilgrimages to KFC, I'd beg you to stop hoarding the acid tabs and please put one on my tongue like Eucharist time at a rave so that I can see this vision for myself. And this is exactly what I'm saying to Sam Kashner, the Vanity Fair writer who told this story in an article for the magazine on Elizabeth Taylor's life. The geniuses at Next Media have already turned into a Taiwanese CGI short film for you to get high on.
On September 10th, 2011, Michael Jackson performed in a sold-out concert at Madison Square Garden. MJ originally wanted his friends Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando to sit on opposite sides of the stage like two Easter Island idols, but they decided against it. They sat in the audience instead. Cut to the next morning. After the attacks, MJ's friends from Saudi Arabia told him to get the fuck out of NYC because there would be more assaults in America. MJ grabbed Marlon and Elizabeth and the three tried to get a private plane to take them back to California, but the air space above the country was closed for business. Instead of taking a bus or a train or a solid gold chariot led by white Persian horses, the three got into a rental car and drove far away from NYC! The Hertz agent who rented them the car is still trembling under the counter wondering what the fuck just happened.
I'll let Sam Kashner lead you through the rest of this fuckery-laced acid trip:
A former employee of Michael Jackson’s says that Michael, like General Washington, led his entourage to a temporary safe haven in New Jersey, before the three superstars took to the open road. “They actually got as far as Ohio—all three of them, in a car they drove themselves!” he recalls. Brando allegedly annoyed his traveling companions by insisting on stopping at nearly every KFC and Burger King they passed along the highway. One can only imagine the shock their appearance caused at gas stations and rest stops across America.
But one of Elizabeth’s close friends and assistants, who asks to remain anonymous, insists that Elizabeth did not flee New York with her two companions. “Elizabeth stayed behind,” he insists, “where she went to a church to pray, and she went to an armory where people were who couldn’t get home or who’d stayed behind to look for the missing. She also went down to Ground Zero, where she met with first responders. Eventually, the airports opened and she flew home.” She may well have done some of those things, though no reports surfaced in the media of sightings of Elizabeth Taylor ministering to the frightened and wounded or showing up at Ground Zero.
The image of Marlon Brando NOM NOM NOM-ing on fried chicken skin in the passenger seat while Elizabeth Taylor pumps gas and Michael Jackson hovers over a Thomas Guide spread on the hood is one that I will bring up in my head whenever I need to flee from reality and fall into a fucked up hallucination. THE FUCK doesn't even begin... Even though this is most likely a work of fiction, it still needs to be made into a road trip comedy. Tyler Perry or Eddie Murphy can play all the roles.
At Elizabeth Taylor's funeral last week, Colin Farrell read a poem to a crowd of mourners making "....the fuck is he doing here?" faces while wondering if he'll do their funerals too for a fee. Unfortunately, you can't hire Colin to read a poem of your choosing at your funeral. Colin tells Access Hollywood that the reason he was there is pretty damn simple: they were friends! No, Colin wasn't in training to join Elizabeth's ex-husband harem. They just got along and Elizabeth specifically wanted him to coo out poetry at her funeral.
Colin explained to Access Hollywood at CinemaCon in Las Vegas yesterday, “How did we become friends? You know, the old story of boy meets girl, and boy pesters girl with too many phone calls at inappropriate hours of the night. I was just lucky enough to become her friend in the last year and a half. I adore her… still. Elizabeth chose it (the poem Gerard Manley's "The Leaden Echo and the Golden Echo"). It was a tricky poem as well. Even in passing she had me under the thumb, sweating bricks. She asked someone else to ask me [to read it]. I just miss her; I just miss her; I just miss her."
Colin didn't mention this, but Elizabeth also requested that he read the poem while only wearing her good luck white diamond clip-on earrings on his nipples.
You can add this to the reasons why you would let Colin Farrell eat the last spoon full of Thrifty's ice cream in your freezer after he hits it from the back. Not only do his pores secrete whiskey-flavored lube, but he also befriends old legends and reads poems at their funerals. AND Colin's brows look just like a pair of woolly bear caterpillars. But unlike woolly bears, it won't sting when his brows piss on your finger. So add that to the list!