Trash

When it's announced that the world's supply of silicone has gone dry, send your hate/thank you letters to Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I mean, DAMN! Usually, when I see a pair of gigantic chichi balls, I want to curl up between them and take a long afternoon nap. But these things make me want to grab the cross. Seriously, if Kim hugged you, your rib cage would break and your lungs would fall into your stomach. It wouldn't be good. They should give Kim the Olympic gold medal in weightlifting for carrying around those medicine balls. And am I the only one that suddenly has the urge to go bowling?

But on a positive note, at least Kim's breasts of destruction take the focus off her Barbie cemetery wig.

Here's more of Kim at last night's Fox Reality Awards. I also threw in some pictures of Vivica Fox, Lorenzo Lamas, Shayne Lamas, Judy Tenuta (with an OctoMom boa), Wonky, Nicky Hilton, Gretchen Bonaduce, Dairy (typo and it stays) DeLaWhora, Eric Roberts, Antonio Sabato Jr., his hot mom, Gretchen Rossi, Big Brother's Chima (with Mr. Empress of Lucite), Cindy Margolis and Adrianne Curry.

A Pennyslvania judge has demanded that Ed Hardy's down-low lover Jon Grosselin has to return $180,000 of the $230,000 he snatched from his joint checking account with Kate Gosselin. An arbitrator will determine what happens to the remaining $55,000.

Jon has until October 26th to pay up or he has to face the judge again for contempt. I'm sure the judge will punish Jon by making him sleep without his Ed Hardy pillow person.

Kate issued this statement to TMZ: "As difficult as this has been for me, I am pleased that the Court has ruled fairly on behalf of myself and my children. Now that this matter has been ruled on, I look forward to returning to private arbitration, as we have agreed to do, to resolve any remaining issues."

As much as it pleases my soul to know that Kate's rabid possum will get to eat live mice again, I'm a little concerned. How is Jon going to pay his fancy lil' lawyer now? If Jon can't pay his fancy lil' lawyer, how is his fancy lil' lawyer going to maintain his fanciness? No more fancy hair plugs. No more fancy fake tanning. No more fancy Louis Vuitton business woman purses. No more fancy lil' boy suits from Brooks Brothers. No more fancy lifts. And no more fancy 14k gold thongs (you know he wears that shit). Insert fancy sad face here.

You might have already read about pet "teacup pigs" being all the rage right now. So, of course, Parasite Hilton had to get on that by dropping $4,500 for her very own micro piggy from Oregon. Wonky's new toy has already arrived and she named her "Miss Pigelette." Apparently, unlike Wonky, Miss Pigelette is already potty-trained.

Wonky's spokesbitch said: "Paris is thrilled! She is a major animal lover and is excited for the arrival of her new piglette."

Just because Wonky is always in the doggy-style position doesn't make her a "major animal lover."

Poor piggy is going to get bullied around by Wonky's crotch crustaceans! They are going to nip at it and force it to hide underneath the sofa. And if that's not bad enough, the swine probably has the Wonky Flu by now. Why isn't Peta parachuting into Wonky's house to save that piglet!

Speaking of "poor creatures in distress," here's Wonky at the opening of Carnival in NYC the other night with a chimp. Why is that chimp kissing on Wonky? Doesn't he know where her mouth has been?! Free clinic, here he comes. Sad faces all around.

Today is the Gosselin twins' 9th birthday party, and Jon Gosselin tells Entertainment Tonight that it could turn into World War III. The battle between the rabid possum and the corroded ass wart will be caught on film, because Jon is bringing the ET camera crew to the party. These assholes make OctoCrazy (remember her?) look like the perfect picture of sanity and health. Hopefully, Jon or Kate gave their girls a never-ending prescription of Valium, because those kids are going to need it.

Jon whined that Kate wouldn't allow him to come to the party, but he insisted on it, "She's basically saying it would be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here, like we originally planned. I'm just going to stay! I own the house, so I can do what I want. She's trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn't want to see me. She doesn't want to hear my apology. She doesn’t want to work things out."

When Jon & Kate filed for divorce did they also file for divorce from acting like adults? FUCK! Jon is acting like a toddler who went poopy in his panties and doesn't know what to do about it. Just suck it up. Pretending to like someone is not hard. I do it on a daily basis. When you're in their presence, just picture yourself slowly strangling them. It will make you smile, and then they will smile seeing you smile. It's not hard!

And when is Nancy Grace going to eat both of them already?! In case you missed it, here's Nancy going after Jon (round 2) on The Insider. By the way, those aren't CZs in Jon's ears. They are Christian Audigier's kidney stones.

Here's Jon picking up the girls' birthday cake in NYC before driving to Pennsylvania. SPOILER ALERT: He ate the cake in the car.

56-year-old Shirley Rae Dieu of Irvine, CA went to Dr. Phil for therapy (mistake number one), but says she left his office more fucked up than when she got there. Yesterday, Shirley filed a lawsuit in Los Angeles claiming that during her therapy session with Dr. Phil in 2007, he molested her left booby, forced her to stare at a live nekkid man and refused to let her leave his Hollywood office. Basically, it sounds like a nightmare directed by David Lynch.

In the documents, Shirley says Dr. Phil brainwashed her by making her watch "tapings depicting her as a different personality other than her own." And about that nekkid dude thing, Shirley says Dr. Phil "forced her to be in the same room with a completely live naked man while he exposed his entire naked body, genitals and all."

Dr. Phil kept her captive in his office, and when she tried to get out of there, his staff stopped her. They also refused to let her sleep or eat. Shirley tells People that another woman is going to join her lawsuit. Shirley is asking for cash money, but the specific amount is not known yet.

Shirley is no stranger to suing a bitch. In 2002, she sued a hospital for malpractice. Two years ago, she also sued a car dealership. According to People, Shirley is acting as her own attorney.

Look at that face. If that face was looking at you while his hand was on your booby, you'd never recover. You would develop instant-cataracts, foam at the mouth uncontrollably and probably live under your backyard deck. I wouldn't be able to talk, let alone file a lawsuit. However, this is Dr. Phil she's talking about, and he's the skeeziest skeeze who ever skeezed, so let's believe it.

And what the fuck with the live (as opposed to dead) nekkid man thing? If that's what Dr. Phil considers therapy, make me a damn appointment.

If you walked into KFed's house and didn't see ciggie butts on the floor and spit on the walls, you'd probably be pretty damn shocked. So it's not surprising that KFed is being accused of completely trashing a house he was renting. The owners of the house want KFat to fart up $100,000 (of Brit Brit's money) to pay for all the damages he allegedly made the house in Tarzana, CA. They also say that KFed rolled out of there without paying rent for 6-months. Here's a list of the damages:

Gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles
A broken beer dispenser on the barbecue island
Permanent spit marks on exterior paint
Broken light covers
Bent light posts
Broken tiles
Dead trees and plants due to failure to water
Drawings all over the walls
A room that was turned into a studio (without the owners' permission)
Broken dishwasher ... with broken baskets
Dismantled smoke detectors
Front driveway oil-leak damage
Master bathroom windows tinted (without owners' permission)

TMZ also has a ton of pictures of the damages. My guess is that KFed didn't mean to mess that place up. Most of the damage was probably caused just by him walking around. Dude can make the earth move. And when he farts? Forget about it. Light posts will bend and smoke detectors will burst.

The most disturbing part about all of this is that KFed had a recording studio in his house. That is some terrorist shit right there. Haven't we been through enough?!

Yesterday, my cousin was telling me how she caught her son snatching $10 out of her wallet in the middle of the night. Well, if her son was Jon Gosselin, he would've taken the whole damn wallet and left her with a piece of old gum. That's basically what he did to Kate. Radar reports that on the same day that Jon was telling Larry King that he wanted to play nice with Kate, he secretly took a shovel and pretty much emptied their joint bank account. Apparently, Jon rolled away with $200,000, leaving Kate with $1,000. How in the rhinestone tiger hell is Kate's possum supposed to survive on just a grand?! MAN DOWN CODE 10!

Can you imagine the sound Kate's possum made when she checked her balance? The day the ear drums died.

TMZ says that Kate's lawyers will go to court tomorrow to argue that Jon totally gave a "fuck you" to an existing order which states that they could not withdraw money from that account without each other's permission. They want a judge to demand that Jon return the money and that he be held in contempt. Kate uses that account to pay for household expenses, so it looks like the child army WILL STARVE!

Part of me is disappointed in Kate, because I would have thought that she would've emptied that account out as soon as Jon started passing his peen around. She's not the mega cuntress I thought she was.

When Jon started wearing that Ed Hardy shit, she should've taken all the cash and left him with a McDonald's coupon book. You can't trust a ho as soon as they start covering their body parts with that Ed Hardy fuckery.

This is exactly why I live by the motto: My money is my money and your money is OUR money.

Why does Lamar Odom look like he's breaking into his own wedding shot? Notice how he's creeping on in like "Remember me?!" No, we don't. And Khloe Kardashian won't remember his ass either in a couple of months when this bootleg marriage calls it a day.

So, this is what $300,000 bought OK! Magazine. I hope they kept the receipt, because this wasn't even worth two food stamps and a punch card from Arby's. Let's be real, it farts volumes that dim, dude and dumb are sitting in the front while Lamar has been shoved to the back like a prop. And I don't know why Khloe let this happen, because she should be pissed that she's the bride, yet she's the fugliest thing in that shot. Shit, they should've thrown the veil on Lamar. Dude would've made a better bride. I mean, they couldn't use the "de-beast" tool on Khloe to keep her from looking like a fat skunk (no offense to Mr. Bumble) who is staring at us like we're a bacon and butter sandwich?

If OK! Magazine wanted to put a man-on-man wedding on their cover, they should've went with Michael K. Cole and Jamil Smith's luxurious affair. Because this shit right here.....is....well...it's just shit. Poop and simple.

Not only does Khloe Kardashian have to worry about how she's going to contain her thirst for the fresh blood of a baby cow during the wedding ceremony, but now she has to fret about prenup issues! Prenup for the pre-op!

TMZ says that lawyers for both Khloe and Lamar Odom (who just signed a $30 million deal with the Lakers) don't have enough time to finish a prenup before their wedding tomorrow. Khloe and Lamar won't move their wedding date, because E! is apparently paying the bill for the $1 million affair. The blessed event is being filmed for one of Khloe's reality shows and Sunday is the only day they can do this. You know, because it's the lord's day. There's no better day to completely shit on the holy union that is marriage. REJOICE!

Apparently, Lamar's lawyers are now working on a postnup, which means they will handle the agreement after the wedding. Also, Sunday's wedding might just be for show (like it already isn't) and the two will legally get married later when the prenup is signed.

I don't even know why the lawyers are sweating over this. Once it's signed, Khloe is just going to break into their offices in the dead of night and swallow the prenup whole so there will no trace of it.

This bunk ass marriage won't even last as long as the time it takes for the lawyers to work out the stupid prenup.

The privilege has been revoked! Send your hate mail (written in anal gland ink) to Khloe Kardashian. Khloe has confirmed that she is butt fucking the sanctity of marriage (without lube) by marrying a giant bigger than her after dating him for only one month. Doomsday is this Sunday.

Khloe is on the cover of this week's Life & Style looking like the epitome of a Bridezilla. For real, she looks like Godzilla in a factory-direct wedding dress that has been sitting on the back shelf of David's Bridal for years. Terrifying. That poor flower is crying hardcore tears, because it knows it's about to spend the rest of its life in the belly of a BEAST!

And just for the record, Khloe's mother/pimp swears on a stack of Star Magazines that her daughter is not knocked up. Well, she's not pregnant with an actual baby, but she's definitely pregnant with a giant sack of desperation.

(Image VIA Cover Awards)