Trash

Last month, it was reported that the punk fart princesses' marriage to Sonic the Douchehog was headed for the gutter, because he just couldn't take her being a drunken skank anymore. Well, UsWeekly says that Avril Lavigne has pink slipped (not in a sexy way either) Deryck Whibley and evicted him from their mansion in Bel Air. Queef like you care.

A source said that Avril will drop divorce papers in Deryck's lap any day now, "She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on. Divorce papers will be filed any day now."

29-year-old Deryck and 25-year-old Avril made it legal around 3 years ago.

I don't blame Avril. Having a pesky ring on your finger gets in the way of passing the pussay to every booze bottle and dick around town. Just replace that wedding ring with a clit ring and she's good to go!

And now I must file for divorce from the short bus anthem "SK8R Boi." Every time I see Avril's male syrupy face, that stupid ass song fucks me in the brains repeatedly....without protection.

First of all, try to control yourself. I know Phil Spector's mug shot always makes you want to run out to the nearest costume shop, buy a Scrooge mask, boil it for 5 hours, let it cool and then wet hump it until you go raw....but you must resist. Just this time.

So...600-year-old Phil Spector is currently in the chokey for murdering Lana Clarkson. Phil is crying about the conditions and wants them to do something about it! Dude already wears a diaper, so it's no surprise that he's acting like a baby.

Phil is being moved out of the California Substance Abuse Treatment Facility & State Prison after he told officials that he feels like bitches are going to kill his ass in there. When Phil was told they were moving him to the Pleasant Valley State Prison in Coalinga, he freaked out again and said the place is riddled with Valley Fever. Apparently, 16 inmates died at the prison from Valley Fever within the past 4 years. Phil think he's next.

Phil's trophy wife is also whining for him and she told Page Six, "They are sending Phil there to die. He is scared to death. When I saw him on Saturday, he was shaking . . . He's 70 years old and 130 pounds . . . We are trying to appeal over this, but he's been told he has no time. He's already been given his bus pass out of Corcoran."

The prison officials should show Phil what's it's really like to suffer and throw him in a jail cell filled with mirrors. Seriously, I'd rather spend the rest of my life locked in one of the houses on Hoarders than have to look at that face of fugness every single day. Phil would be begging for a lethal injection shot up the ass in no time.

Avril Lavigne hasn't really been in the spotlight for a while, because she's been busy scuba diving in a Jack Daniels bottle. Or maybe people just can't be bothered to lift their heads to see what she's been up to. I don't know. But I do know that Gatecrasher is saying that the rumors about her 3-year-old marriage to Deryck Whibley being in the shit hole are true. Avril and Deryck haven't been photographed together since last year and sources are saying it's because he doesn't approve of her drunken slutty ways.

This past weekend, Avril was spotted in Southampton partying with anybody with a peen. When a few paps got pictures of her with other dudes, Avril demanded that they delete that shit so there wouldn't be any evidence. Earlier in the summer, Avril was in St. Tropez without her husband and bitches were saying that she was acting like she wasn't married.

Oh, poor Deryck. Dude already looks like a bulldog's ass after getting penetrated with a taser gun, so I'm sure he looks extra grisly when he gets the sads. Deryck should definitely drop The Big D on Avril and present this evidence to the divorce judge:

That's Avril with Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis. GUILTY!!!!!!! The judge will immediately grant the divorce and give EVERYTHING to Deryck.

Images: Wenn.com, INFDaily

Katie Price's friends and managers are begging her to drop her latest dick after details of some movie he shot a while ago were released. Katie's piece, Alex Reid, stars in a movie called Killer Bitch, which features him raping a girl played by actress Yvette Rowland. In the scene, Alex grabs her by the neck, chokes her a bit, pulls down his chonies and then does her. This has made Katie's aides all nervous-like, because they think this will ruin her "family-friendly image." I'll wait here while you go and get some Windex to clean up the Tang (with a splash of Bacardi) you spit up on your monitor after reading that last part.

One friend told The Mirror, “It’s very seedy. A number of friends and her media advisers feel her relationship with Alex will be detrimental to both her and her career. They desperately want her to leave him before it’s too late. Pete’s beyond outraged by this new low. He thinks it’s absolutely disgusting and can’t believe his children are spending time in the presence of this man.”

Yes, this will definitely tarnish Katie's good name since she is such a pristine virgin flower who wilts when you even curse in front of her. Cue Harvey shouting: "BITCH, PLEASE!"

Before Jodie Marsh came on the scene, Katie was the skankest skank who ever skanked (aww...memories). So her boyfriend's "fake rap scene" is nothing. Her friends need to stop worrying about stupid shit like this and focus on more important things: LIKE KATIE'S BUSTED TO SHIT WEAVE! Get that bitch a garden hoe so that she can tame the weed nest on her head. It looks like she accidentally dropped a cookie crumb in her hair and Harvey went crazy to try and find it.

I also don't approve of those obese tarantula legs on her eyes, but I understand why she's wearing them. Those things block her vision a bit, so that when she looks at her boyfriend's Quasimodo face, she doesn't get the full effect.

Here's Katie and her lovah on holiday in Cadiz, Spain yesterday.

Spencer Pratt went through Brit Brit's trash can, pulled out her 2000 MTV VMAs outfit, brushed the Cheetos off, slid it over the factory-defected dildo that is Heidi Montag and pushed her out on the international stage during last night's Miss Universe pageant. He should've pushed her off the planet instead, because that was one of the biggest displays of fuckery I've every seen! This is why some people hate America!

You know, it was wrong of me to compare her to a dildo, because even used-up, ass dust-covered plastic fuck toys have more rhythm than this tranny pony!

If you took an elderly albino gorilla who was suffering from a serious case of Tourettes, got him drunk on the cheapest vodka, made him watch every episode The Hills, hit him over the head 12 times with a copper pot, spun him around 300 times while saying Spencer Pratt's name and then forced him to do this routine, he would still do a better job than Heidi Montag.

The only thing Heidi's "body language" is telling me is: FAIL.

And if you don't feel like making your brain bleed this early in the morning, just watch this video instead. It's the same thing sans Heidi's annoying ass face.

Yesterday in NYC, Billy Ray Cyrus was whoring out Hellman's Mayonnaise during some event when Access Hollywood (via UsWeekly) asked him what he thought about Miley's pole dance on an ice cream cart at the Teen Choice Awards. Okay, why does it feel both inappropriate and appropriate for Billy Ray to be talking about his 16-year-old daughter working the pole while holding a big load of a creamy white substance in his hand? Billy makes it so so easy.

After Billy thought about it and made a mayo pie in his pants, he answered, "You know what? I just think that Miley loves entertaining people. She loves singing [and] songwriting. I always tell her to love what you're doing and stay focused for the love of the art and not worry so much about opinion. I give my kids a lot of freedom to make the art they wanna make, and make it in their own voice. I think it's important."

Papa Joe, you better take care of this haggard possum (no relation to Kate Gosselin), because he is stealing your ACT! Billy Ray's pimp hand might be mightier than Papa Joe's. Take cover!

Yes, Miley, keep shaking those pork chops for the lord, because it entertains so many people. And by "so many people," I mean Billy Ray's NOT RIGHT areas.

And I'm sure that in 90 years, our children's great great grandchildren will walk into the Louvre in Paris and see a video of Miley's prostitot thrust right next to the Mona Lisa and Heidi Montag's Playboy cover. Billy Ray is so right. It's art.

TMZ says that the pimps at TLC spanked Jon Grosselin on the ass by sending him a letter claiming he's violating the moral clause in his contract. They aren't amused that Jon is committing acts of douchery by bumping it with 20-something meth faces and boozing it up around town. Sources say that Jon probably doesn't give a possum's pussy that he's pissing off TLC, because he's in talks for his own reality show. And the Fuckery Train keeps rolling all the way to HELL....

Jon is in talks with a production company to star in a shit show called "Divorced Dad's Club," which will follow a group of recently divorced d-bags. Yup, this is what happens when you rub two tampons together (aka Jon Gosselin & Michael Lohan).

As for Kate, apparently she's the child army's main caretaker and she's handling the family's finances. The paycheck they make from the show goes into a joint account. After Kate puts some money into a college fund for the kids, she takes her share and gives Jon his. Jon has already spent most of it, but Kate's friends say that he's making more cash on the side by whoring out pictures and stories of him and the kids. That's a little tip he learned from Daddy Lohan!

And I also hope Kate is starting a "Therapy & Booze" fund for the kids, because something tells me they are going to need a lot of both in the future. Actually, everyone should have that kind of fund. Therapy and booze is a right, not a privilege!

Brooke Hogan's album sold 3,500 copies (Yeah, that many) or some shit in its first week, so shouldn't she be dusting off her shelves for all the Grammys she's going to receive or perfecting her tuck game for her massive stadium world tour? You would think. But instead, Brooke Hogan is out giving interviews to Sirius where she's busting on everyone from Beyonce to Cassie to camels (aka her mom):

On Beyonce: "She needs to go and make some babies and chill."

On Cassie's nekkid internet pictures: "Don't show it if it's not right. It's all stretched out."

The funny thing is that Beyonce probably doesn't even know what a Brooke Hogan is. Bitch probably thinks it's a sandwich at Quizno's (lukewarm roast beef served on a stale flat bun with a heaping dollop of bullshit sauce on top). As for Cassie, Brooke is just jealous. Brooke can tuck her dick in between her thighs and pretend she has a vag all she wants, but we all know the truth. And Cassie's "stretched out" vagina is still a zillion times prettier than Brooke's "sperm-count killing" face.

The majority of bitches on Twitter seem to agree. I just spent the last 30-minutes taking notes on the bitchery against Brooke happening on Twitter. Here's just a taste:

arckaye @brookehogan ♥ I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you.

seanblendy @brookehogan Is it possible for your balls to drop lower than your album did?!

Brodi_Avalon @BrookeHogan . Remember, you can't spell " Brooke Hogan " without " Broke Ho"

VIA ONTD

Here I was thinking it was going to be a glorious Friday (see Connie Mouralis post) and then I come across these two fartards. I had to share it (am I oversharing again?) with you so that we can all form a circle and jerk our tonsils together. Barf bukkake party!

At last night's G.I. Joe premiere, these two butt dingles somehow managed to get on the red carpet to show off Twit's cover of Playboy Magazine: Equine Edition. Who do they think they are carrying a magazine around like that? Phoebe Price?! Can I get a "BITCH PLEASE," because nobody can do it like she can.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the fugliest fug cover I have ever seen. Anonymously send this cover to your enemies and they won't ever be the same again. It's pretty fitting that Heidi looks like a Wal-Mart-brand tampon fresh out of Spencer's shitty asshole.

Earlier, I posted some pictures of a pop group I've never heard of called Miss Lolitas. Well, here's one of their videos for a song called "Party Starters." Before we start, I'm going to need to see some IDs. Hand me one of those scanners and slide these girls' IDs over! Because if they aren't of age, their parents should be in the clink. Well, their parents should be in the clink either way, but they should have to serve a few life sentences if these girls were born before 1991.

Age aside, this shit is a monumental achievement in videomaking! It's like mini versions of the Rock of Love Bus hos ran out of booze and went on a rampage through the streets of Los Angeles to find more of the sweet nectar! Even though this shit looks like it was filmed using a janked-up video cell phone found in a urinal at Les Deux, I can't fault it! Anything that was shot guerrilla-style at my favorite haunts (McDonald's, Target, gas stations, used car dealerships, various street corners, etc...) is a masterpiece in my book.

And I don't even want to know how they paid for this $2 dollah video or where they got those 1980s slutty wrestler outfits. Again, I want to see some IDs and birth certificates!

(Thanks Kristen)