Trash

For a brief moment in the Hamptons on Saturday, everyone's electricity went out, the pipes froze and every bottle of fake tan caca dried up, because White Oprah and Michael Lohan reunited as Satan cackled down below! I think that when White Oprah and Jon Gosselin's partner in douchery touched, a new child star was born in the Disney whore factory.

Here's a few more pictures of the fried leech known as White Oprah, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, Michael and his girlfriend who always looks like she just got a giant shot of Novocaine injected into her gums. If I was forced to kiss on Michael Lohan, I'd be numbing my mouth all the time too.

Just two months after splitting up, UsWeekly says that Parasite Hilton and frozen burrito heir Doug Reinhardt are back to mixing their STDs together. Wonky and Doug broke up in the first place, because he was kissing on some other ho or something. Or maybe she got her feelings hurt when Doug called one of her crotch crabs "fat." I don't know! All I know is that they are doing it again.

Doug wrote some sappy grossness on his Facebook page like, "What an amazing weekend with my beautiful girlfriend. I love her so much!" and "Laying in bed watching SportsCenter with my girl."

You might be relieved that Wonky and Doug's toxic skankness is once again contained, but don't let your genital holes breathe easy just YET. The more Wonky and Doug rub on each other, the stronger their STDs get! If you're ever in a 5-mile vicinity of either Wonky or Doug, you better wear a mask over your crotch, mouth and b-hole to protect you from their skank fumes! The Wonky Flu is coming!

Today in Clearwater, FL, a court room was filled with thirstay peroxide mops, turkey jerky skin and desperation, because the Hogans here there to make their divorce final. The fact that both Hulk and Linda both brought look-alike toys made the whole affair even sadder than Brooke's album signing in the sock section of Wal-Mart.

For over two years, these two water damaged leather sacks have been fighting like Gosselins. Linda wanted more cash to keep her looking like the fine diamond she is, but Hulk didn't want to give it up. OK! says that they finally came to an agreement, but the terms will not be released.

It apparently all ended amicably, because Linda and Hulk even kissed each on the cheek at the end. May the record show: BARF VOM FART.

This is the time where we all open our windows and shout "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, PARIS HILTON" in unison, because maybe our voices will carry throughout the land and break the crusty jizz barriers in Wonky's ears so she can finally get the message. I say this, because Parasite told Extra that Michael Jackson's daughter was named after her:

"My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she's such a beautiful little girl and I'm proud we have the same name."

When whatever is left of her brains finally falls out of her asshole and she shoves it back in her head, she'll also realize that there's cities in France, Texas and Arkansas named Paris too. After her!

Paris, the only thing that will truly be named after you is a strain of the herp.

Here's the delusional one at the premiere of her MTV documentary Paris, Not France last night.

The reality whores are mixing! The reality whores are mixing! Aaaack! Last night, I wrote some shit about how Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan were spraying their douche juices all over Southampton together. Well, you can add a drop of Jill Zarin from The Real Housewives of NYC to the mix, because she was with them. AND Jon's date wasn't Hailey "meth brows" Glassyeyes. Jon must have handed Hailey her toy bong and told her to go play outside, because Kate Major was his date last night. Kate is the Star Magazine reporter Jon was seen with the other night. The famewhore scale just broke.

People says that Jon and TOK (The Other Kate) have been in the Hamptons for about three days. Jill Zarin said that Jon and TOK are definitely porking each other, but he isn't exactly busting a million nuts over her, "He didn't seem smitten. They weren't all over each other. But they're definitely dating. It came up in conversation. She had her hands on him. But she's young. This is a girl who is going to want to have babies. Does he really want to go out with another young girl and have kids?"

Michael Lohan (of course) added that even though Jon is skipping around with a bunch of hos, his thoughts are really with his child army, "He talks about them. He's on the phone with them all the time. But unfortunately, as I well know, being a father in a divorce, it's really hard on the kids. And you just want to be with them all the time. But sometimes our exes don't make it that easy."

Hold me close. This is scary on so many levels. Michael Lohan, Jill Zarin and Jon Gosselin sharing a meal together?! I'm surprised that when they clinked their glasses during a toast, a fiery pit didn't appear in the middle of the room with Heidi and Spencer jumping out of it. Obviously, it's only a matter of time before Jon starts hanging out with those assholes. Ugh.

If you happen to see a cloud of locusts flying through Southampton, it's because Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin were both seen there together....on a double date. Let's all join hands, because this is the end of days.

Guest of a Guest got the disturbing news from a friend who said, “Just saw skeeze-fest ‘09 John Gosselin and Michael Lohan walking through Southampton with blonde bimbos in tow." Michael, Jon and their skanks did some shopping and had lunch. No word yet on how many innocent victims barfed themselves to death at the sight of these two greasy anal beads.

This is some Night at the Roxbury shit! Seriously, I think we need to press the button and evacuate before it gets worse. There's a good chance that both KFed and Papa Joe will join this douche-tourage. Shit. That's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse right there. EVACUATE!

Mel Gibson is still trying to make his knocked up mistress whore happen. This is a video for the second single "Beautiful Heartache" off of Oksana Grigorieva's new album which was produced by Sugar Tits himself. The video was also directed by Mel in Mexico. Usually, a soggy butt nugget only takes a few minutes to come out (after a cup of Sanka), but this one took seven whole days!

I hope OctoSana's vagina produces prettier sounds than her mouth hole does, because the bitch cannot sing worth a dick! Mel needs to do an exorcism on her vocal chords! It's a good thing the ho got knocked up, because she's not going to make her fortune in music.

And what is she singing about anyway? "I love the way you wear your skin"?! The fuck? This sounds like Buffalo Bill's big number from Silence of the Lambs the Musical.

VIA PopEater

A while ago, I stopped referring to Katie Price as her alter whore ego "Jordan," because she wanted to change her image and start being a family woman or some shit. This hurt me, because Jordan was always my favorite elegant rose of England. How could she turn her back on all the people who loved her for who she really is: a dirty, dirty ho fo sho. It didn't make sense to me and it made my no-no frown, but thankfully, Jodie Marsh was there to pick up the pieces by entertaining me with her extreme acts of sluttiness. Jodie quickly replaced Jordan as England's Finest Rose and now Katie Price wants her title back.

Now that she's a free woman, Katie has been making up for whore times by parading her pussay all over Ibiza. On Saturday night, Katie hit the town wearing one of Jodie's old ones. I think Katie was trying to shock everyone, but Jodie wears gold lame (luh-maaay) camel toe whore-veralls to church! Try again, Katie.

However, Katie does get a few points for telling a few girls in the club that they are ugly. The Sun says that while Katie was partying with her big gay boyfriend (the power bottom in the loin cloth), she pulled a few girls aside to give them her thoughts on their looks. Here's just a few comments Katie made to various hos in the club:

"I really like your face and you're really pretty, but you seriously need to lose some weight from your thighs."

"You're ugly - I don't know what you're doing out here."

"She told me I had a fantastic body with amazing legs but I needed to sort my face out."

I must admit that Katie's cunty words of delusion have touched me a little, but I'm not back in her whore graces just yet. And why didn't any of these girls tell Katie that they may have fugly faces, but at least their titty implant isn't try to make a run for it! Seriously, what is that sliding down Katie's leg in the first thumbnail below? That stupid implant made a wrong turn! It turned right at her belly button instead of going straight and busting out of her vagina. CAUGHT!

Exactly a week ago, I toasted to Heather Graham for choosing to wear this luxurious garment that just screamed "elegance and clearance hand jobs." The next day, the dress was on a thing called Kristin Calawhateverthehellhernameis. I gave the dress a quick side-eye, but I realize that a bitch has to sell their ass to make ends meet IN THIS ECONOMY (All together now: We know, Michael. We know!) But now the dress has gone too far!

Last night, it was all over Horsey Montag! This hurts, because you know that cheap nasty skank didn't even pay for the dress! The dress was doing it for free! I could understand if Horsey gave it an 8-ball and some milk, but you know that was not the case. Why didn't it come to me? I would've turned it out and we could've worked the ho stroll together. $2 dolla taint licks!

Don't be surprised if you turn on E! and see, True Hollywood Story: The Rise and Fall of Heather Graham's dress.

Anybody in the mood for a soggy Snausage? Or how about a mangled egg roll? I've got both of those things here for you! This past week, nekkid pictures of Kate Gosselin's hair twin (aka Shawn from Vh1's Tool Academy) and 6 Gauge from Daisy of Love hit the internets. Don't get all excited. It's not going to make your no-no slobber. Bring your dipping sauce and get yourself a mini-weiner after the jump. And it's totally NSFW. Well, unless you work at Hickory Farms. JUMP!!!!