Trash

Devout Christian and missionary for famewhores, Horsey Montag, will bare her douche-filled titty balls and silicone oven mitt chocha in Playboy. Horsey's spread will be in the September issue (aka The Whores 4 God issue). A source (*cough*Heidi's vagina*cough*) told People, "There is nudity. It's tasteful – she had a lot of fun with it."

Let me guess, God looked down upon her, opened his arms and said, "Bare those titties for your faith! As your savior, I command you!" Because in case you forgot, Heidi is the lord's servant. That's why she was put on this earth.

But seriously, Spencer Twatt should be the one in Playboy. His snatch is bigger than hers.

Image: Pacific Coast News

While I will never co-sign Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett in The Runaways biopic, I will say that this new "dyke on smack" mullet does wonders for her. It really accentuates the giant bags under her eyes and makes her veins really pop. I bet it looks really hot when she gets the shakes.

I feel like I could lay down with her on the hood of her El Camino parked in front of her double-wide. We'd share a Rum & Tab while discussing the meaning of Journey songs.

Tuck your pussies in and grab your Valtrex, because we are all getting on the Rock of Love WAAAAAHMBULANCE.

Right after the hottest piece of scenery in the industry knocked Bret Michaels on his nasty ass at the Tony Awards, he sort of shrugged it off and said it really wasn't a big deal. Now that he's realized he can milk the shit out of this situation for attention, he's crying a different story. Bret posted these pictures of his busted face on his MySpace along with a total STFU statement.

While we are clapping for whoever was responsible for bringing that set piece down on Bret, he's blaming them. Bret said that he was never "informed that the descending set piece existed, let alone would be moving into position as he was exiting the stage." Bret was also pissed that a rep for the Tony Awards said Bret had missed his mark and that's why he got laid out by a super hot piece of scenery (Is it obvious that I'm love with a set piece?). Bret moaned that the Tony people would have cared more if this happened to Dolly Parton, Liza or Elton John.

I think Bret's weave-danna is on too tight. Liza and Dolly are LEGENDS! If a set piece fell on them, the world would stop and we'd all hold our breaths until we were told there wasn't a scratch on them. Which there wouldn't be, because they are both coated with some kind of scratch-proof substance.

Bret added that he doesn't know how bad his injuries are until his x-rays come back. He must have gone to some back alley free clinic where it takes weeks for x-rays to be processed. Their idea of an x-ray is shining a really bright flash night on his injuries while some crackhead draws a picture of it with a Sharpie. Stupid ass.

Bret is such a wittle baby. The whores on Rock of Love who attempt to eat his asshole probably suffer worse injuries than that. Put a bag over your head and stop whining.

I love how even though he's busted up he's still giving us a "Sexy Can I?" face.

VIA TMZ

If you've got a penis, hide it in a bomb shelter or stick it in holy water, because Parasite Hilton is back on the prowl! Wonky's mutant vag will be howling for fresh dick tonight, because she is no longer infecting that d-bag who used to be on The Hills. Wonky's spokeswhore told People that the herpytale romance of our time is over!

"In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy."

Your genitals should have trembled after reading that, because they are scared. Hold them and tell them it's going to be alright.

As for Doug, at least he'll always have a piece of Wonky with him. When he looks down at his wart-covered wang and the nest Wonky's crotch crustaceans built in his pube bush, he will be reminded of the beautiful moments they shared together.

When Phil Spector was stuffed into a prison cell to serve 19 years for killing Lana Clarkson, he left behind his 28-year-old (don't choke) wife of 3 years Rachelle. During the trial, Rachelle wasn't allowed to whore herself out to the media, but now that it's over she can barf words from her mouth all she wants! Rachelle's first stop was the Los Angeles Times. Even though Rachelle loves to show off the 9-carat diamond ring on her finger, she wants the world to know that she's not a gold miner. Nope, she married Phil for *love*. Gag me with a fucking crimping iron.

Rachelle said that if she was a gold digger, she wouldn't be visiting Phil in prison any chance she could and she also wouldn't be licking on his soggy worm dick as much as she used to. Rachelle said, "We had sex. We were doing it all the time." Maybe that would explain why Rachelle looks like a middle-aged truck stop pussy peddler who has had more troll crotch on her ass than a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Not to mention that her eyebrows also look like they've been traumatized by the whole experience.

Rachelle also went on to say that she's not just with Phil for his coin, because she can easily support herself if she needed, "I can weed whack. Rip out walls. Lay tile." Obviously, she can't weed whack for shit, because look at her husband's hair.

Proving that she's just as gross as her husband, Rachelle says that living in the house that Lana died in doesn't bother her. Rachelle and Phil even got married in the same foyer Lane's body was found. Rachelle even sits in the chair Lana bled to death in. It doesn't bother her.

But what does bother her is that her gnome of a husband has been locked in a tiny cell for 24 hours of the day. Rachelle moaned, "He's locked in a 5-by-9 cell, 23 1/2 hours a day. They treat people worse than animals. I want that known." And I want it known that you are not a certified member of the Gold Diggers Club, but I'm sure the Dumb Stupid Skank Bitch Whore Club will gladly accept you. Their club president, Paris Hilton, will be contacting you any day now.

Seriously, crying about a 5-by-9 cell? That's bigger than most NYC apartments!

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt quit I'm Not A Celebrity....But Keep The Cameras On Me last night and apparently they have already been replaced. People is saying that Stephen Baldwin's brother Daniel and Heidi's sister Holly have been put on planes to Costa Rica.

Lou Diamond Phillips better feed himself to the alligators, because he cannot be part of this epic suckery anymore. Lou is trashing his good name!

I mean, Holly Montag?! Nobody knows what that is! Why didn't the producers just cast the crackhead who begs outside of my bank? Bitch is more famous than Holly! And Janice Dickinson better put a lock over her panties, because Daniel is going to suckle on her chocha in the middle of the night for a quick fix! Ho can't be without the bad shit.

Because I have no self-respect, I spent 2 hours of my life watching the premiere of I'm A Famewhore.... Give Me Relevance last night. I really should've spent that time splashing my face with expelled douche water, because that's what it felt like. It was Spencer Twatt trying to out-douche himself over and over again. Meanwhile, Horsey Montag killed the jungle animals with her crying face of death. When she wasn't doing that, she was spraying her polyester mane with some kind of dry shampoo I guess she's trying to hawk. It probably smells like dehydrated butt nuggets, hot period juice and burnt fleshbeard.

And what about that prayer with Patti Blagojevich?! If you felt a rumbling down below, that was Satan laughing at that mess.

But the biggest asshole quote was when Spencer said that if they quit, their charities wouldn't suffer that much, because they chose the biggest ones. The sad part is that their shitnanigans proved to be the most entertaining part of the show. I really hate myself for falling for their fakery like that. But there's good news! I might be able to look at myself in the mirror again, because TMZ says Twit and Twat have quit the show for real this time after all their threats!

A source says that following the live part of the show last night, the two dumb boxes of pube hair walked the hell out. Apparently, they didn't come back. Unfortunately, that means they are coming to the States alive. Well, unless the producers care about humanity and blend them down into one of Sanjay's "protein shakes." They are both the color of yellow sperm, so Sanjaya wouldn't even know the difference.

Michael Lohan is the always the first skeezer to open up his giant mouth hole whenever a member of his family is in the news for whatever reason. But when it involves him, he sticks his rotten radish head back into his ass.

Page Six says that the devout Christian and high preacher of morals was busted by the cops on April 6th, because he allegedly threatened to kill his fiancee Erin Muller and himself after she tried to quit his ass over his the phone.

Yesterday, Michael, Erin and his lawyer showed up to a court in Long Island so that he could answer to the charges. When a reporter from The NY Post approached them, Michael's lawyer shouted "Plan Two" which caused the dick bag to run off. Michael hid in the car with Erin while his lawyer went inside. Yeah, just a few weeks before, Michael was threatening to off the bitch and there she is hiding his ass in the back of a car. Thinking with your brains: Erin is doing it wrong.

If convicted, Michael could go back to the chokey for a year. Sadly, his parole ended back in February.

Well, at least we know that if we ever want Michael to tuck his dick between his ass checks and run off to hide like a puppy during a thunderstorm, we just have to shout, "PLAN TWO." Now if someone could fully potty train his mouth, so he'd quit dropping caca-covered words everywhere. Now that everyone knows, expect a toilet-full from Michael about this incident in 3...2...

Because we need her to come back and blow up Melrose Place all over again. This shit looks horrific and mainly because Asshole Simpson is in it. Someone please put a butt plug on her (not you, Papa Joe).

These are the first few stills from the new Melrose Place which will terrorize our TVs in the Fall on The CW. Spoiler alert! It will be canceled a week later. Naw. The CW doesn't play that. They like to slowly torture us.

The cast includes: Stephanie Jacobsen, Colin Egglesfield, A Big Asshole, Shaun Sipos, Katie Cassidy, Michael Rady and Jessica Lucas. Sydney Andrews is in some of the stills below, but I don't even think her brilliance can save this shit. I'm still going to jump into my bong and give it a shot.

And how long before Jessica Simpson has run out of yard sales to perform at and is forced to guest star on this mess?

When purdy purdy Zac Efron decided he wasn't going to flutter and flounce in the musical remake of Footloose, Chace Crawford's precious name came up. Well, now it's been confirmed. The Hollywood Reporter says it's all official and Chace will fly around like a fragile butterfly in Footloose which doesn't start filming until March 2010. Gross.

I have nothing against Chace. I mean, I'm sure that when he scoots his ass against the tile floor, he leaves a trail of glitter jelly, but he is not the one! I'd much rather see him in a porn version called Fistloose.

But in Chace's defense, there's only one bitch who can play Ren McCormack and that's Kevin Bacon! Why couldn't Paramount throw him a bone in the form of a check. Kevin needs one! Remember a few months ago when he was begging for a job. This is the job! Kevin can still squeeze into his old dad jeans and leap better than whores half of his age. JAZZ HANDS: Kevin Bacon will always do them right!