Trash

Lily Allen played L.A. last night and during her cover of Brit Brit's "Woomanizah" (which Lily strangely pronounces "Womanizer"), a cokey freckled mess stumbled on stage for absolutely no reason. Blohan popped out of nowhere, whispered something to Lily, gave her a side-hug, threw her skanky bones up in the air, busted a move like a special needs chimp, played a game of Hide-N-Seek behind Lily and then staggered off. I think I just witnessed a drug deal.

Why else would Lily bring Blohan on stage? That's not exactly something you flaunt. A Lohan is something you only bring out at parties when it's time to go skiing. Other than that, you keep that filthy little secret to yourself!

The crackery cracks at the 3:30 mark in the video above.

White Oprah had planned to have a good old-fashioned Lohan night out in Hollywood, but the bouncer at the club just wouldn't cooperate! All White Oprah wanted was to get fucked up with her daughters and maybe bond over a line or two in a bathroom stall! Regular family stuff! But the bouncer, who obviously hates family togetherness, denied them entrance.

According to UsWeekly (via The Scoop), White Oprah, Blohan and Ali Lohan tried to get into Villa and failed. White Oprah was told that Ali is too young. White Oprah apparently then pulled out everyone's favorite line that works every time, “Do you know who I am?” And to really stick it to the bouncer's asshole, Blohan added, “You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!”

The bouncer knew who these twats were. If he didn't, he would've held the door open for Ali and given her a senior's discount, because bitch is the perfect definition of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. While White Oprah and Blohan were flipping their coke noses over this, Ali was probably the only one sighing in relief to herself, because someone actually thought she was young! She will never forget that man again!

And White Oprah needs to try harder. The cokey gods didn't give her those Grand Canyon nostrils for no reason. Stick Ali up in there, tell her to hold her breath and then sashay into the club.

Here's Blohan and Ole' Ali killing us softly with fringe while leaving SamRo's house yesterday afternoon.

Water is wet, Katherine Hagel is a cunt, Tommy Girl likes a spoonful of hot man chowder on his forehead every morning and Shanna Mocos and Travis Barker have broken up. Mark April 1, 2009 as the day the love died for the ten trillionth time. Their talking whores confirmed the queef-inducing news to UsWeekly.

Shanna and Travis got married in 2004. Most of you stopped fucking caring about them in 2005. Shanna filed for divorce in 2006. They tried to make it work in 2007. Their divorce became official in 2008. They got back together again in 2009. And now we're here.

A source said they broke up last night in true trailer trash fashion. They had some stupid fight about Gerard Butler and the cops had to be called. Travis accused Shanna of fucking on manwhore Gerard while he was in the hospital after the jet crash. Last night, Shanna claims her Twitter was hacked into and the evil doer posted something about her sucking Gerry's peen while Travis was recovering. Just for the record, it's not cheating if it's with Gerry Butler. It's your duty as a human with genitals.

Shanna denies she ever cheated on Travis. Shanna's spokeswhore also said something that almost made me swallow my tongue, "Shanna is tired of playing out their personal relationship in the press."

No, she won't do that, but she will handle it like a mature adult by passing notes to Travis during detention through Twitter. That's how they're handling it tonight. Travis and Shanna have been posting quotes they probably got out of a fortune cookie. Example: “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” Yeah, deep dish shit.

Shanna's next post is totally going to be, "Confucious says 'Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.'"

So, when HoHan was first seen driving around in a $100,000 Maserati, I immediately figured SamRo was leasing it for her in exchange for nightly clit gnawing sessions. Well, I was wrong. TMZ says they know who that butt plug of a car belongs to. It's owned by some dude named Dennis DeSantis who is in the sex selling game. DeSantis is a porn producer who has put together some of the most elegant works of art including Butt Sluts and Origami So Horny.

After HoHan's assistant busted the car by driving into a Subaru, DeSantis just shrugged it off, paid the $10,000 for it to get repaired and allowed our little cokey fauxmosexual to keep driving it. DeSantis also claims he lent her the car just because. There's no strings attached. Uh huh...... There's always strings attached. And these strings are attached to the end of a double-sided dildo, because that's what HoHan's going to have to put in her ass in order to pay DeSantis back.

We've always joked that HoHan is sitting first class in the Crackwhore Train to hardcore porn. I wouldn't be shocked if when I was trolling the adult section of my video store, I saw HoHan's diarrhea face on the cover of titles like: Labia Pains, Confessions Of A Teenage Oral Queen, The Pussy Trap, Just My Fuck, Meat Girls, A Prairie Whore Companion and Freaky Friday.

White Oprah will be so proud. No, she really will be. I wasn't being sarcastic.

File this under: the biggest back-handed compliment ever. Actually, this might be just a straight-up bitch slap without the compliment part. And the hand belongs to FOX. They have ordered a reality show for "average-looking people" called More to Love. It comes from the makers of The Bachelor and is billed as the first dating reality show "for the rest of us." Okay, these dumb whores obviously don't watch their own show, because scrub the make-up off all the prostitutes in The Bachelor and they can is easily be stashed into the fugly bitches pile.

The producers are currently looking for a Kevin James-type who will date a handful of BBWs. The girls will also compete in various challenges. The president of alternative programming at Fox, Mike Darnell (who looks like THIS), said, "For six years it's been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that's not what the dating world looks like. Why don't real women -- the women who watch these shows, for the most part -- have a chance to find love too?"

Yes, because "real women" are laying in their candy-wrapper covered beds, devouring an entire Entenmann's devil's food cake (delicious) while watching The Bachelor and thinking, "Why won't they let me humiliate myself on national TV too?!"

And you know that during the More to Love reunion special, the Kevin James-type will dump the chosen BBW for some skinny bitch and the world will explode. Those Bachelor producers are so obvious.

Source: The Hollywood Reporter

There are a million other uses for a ShamWow towel that we just don't know of. It can be used to clean up chunky doody off the floor after your asshole got a little too into it during butt sex. It also can be used to clean up barf that fell out of your mouth while you were having a seizure after ODing. AND you can use it to wipe up blood from a hooker's face after you beat her down because she tried to bite your tongue off! Vince should really show us the last one in his informercials, because it happened to him. A testimonial!

The Smoking Gun reports that the methed out version of Billy Mays was arrested in Miami last month after he got into a brawl with a hooker! It all started when Vince picked up the pussy peddler, Sasha Harris, at a night club. The two new lovebirds went back to his room at the Setai Hotel where Sasha told Vince it would cost him $1,000 to slap and chop her snatch. Vince agreed, and so the fun and games began. While they were making out, Vince told the police that Sasha bit down on his tongue and wouldn't let go. This caused Vince to punch her several times until she let go. Once Vince had his tongue back in his own mouth and was able to get away, he ran crying and screaming into the lobby. Ahaha! Why do I picture the front desk bitch screaming, "Hey! You're the ShamWow dude!" while Vince was whining about his tongue almost getting bitten off. Oh, it's times like this that I really love being alive.

The police were called and both were arrested for felony aggravated battery. Prosecutors later decided to not file formal charges against either of them. Sasha said she might file a lawsuit against Vince to get a little bit of his ShamWow money. And no, she doesn't love his nuts.

I didn't peg Vince as the make-out type. I would think he would want to bust a mess all over that whore as soon as possible, so that he could mop it up with his handy ShamWow. You know that's the part that reaaaally turns him on.

Vince's mug shot was sponsored by the Department of Meth FACES. Damn fuck! If only Vince could use one of his magical ShamWow towels to wipe the meth damage off his mug.

And somewhere in America, Bill Mays' peen is getting raw from jacking off to this story over and over again, because he knows the cops used OxiClean to get the blood out.

Bow your head, hold your hands together and softly sing an acoustic version of Tightrope in your best walrus on his death bed voice, because the internet is losing one of its most poignant and illustrious blog stars. It was announced that Kim Zolciak has been evicted from the internet. DAMN YOU, ECONOMY! You've gone too far. When Kim shakes out her wig for an

Her former publicist wrote a final post proclaiming they have ended their war against each other, but also sadly said her blog will be executed and thrown off the tightrope this Monday. I think he's going to feed it to her rabid dog wig.

That's okay, I've already memorized most of it anyway. By most of it, I mean the comments. Seriously, my soul is weeping at the thought of all the future amazing comments we're all going to miss out on. Every fucking comment is like "YOU CUNT" or "You suck, fat whore!" It's like reading my future obituary.

Peace out, Kim Zolciak's blog. I wish I could give you a quarter to pay your bill, but I just can't fucking be bothered. If only creditors accepted desperation as payment (you can decide who that was directed towards).

Adnan Ghalib is that roach in your house that just won't die. You drop a roach motel on it, you shoot it with a gun, you play a Heidi Montag song for it and it still won't just die! It keeps coming back and that's what Adnan is doing. Just when I was staring to be able to look at a velcro strip without thinking of that skeezer, he's back. And Brit Brit takes 100% of the blame for this, because apparently she's still sending him text messages. Adnan can't reply, because if he texts back, he'll be biting a bar of soap while his ass gets torn to pieces in the clink.

A source tells The Sun that Brit desperately wants him to show her a little love back, “She keeps sneaking messages to Adnan begging him to help her win back her freedom. She says she is lonely and misses being able to date the men she chooses. She feels trapped. She has been begging him to meet her and help her come up with a plan to get out of her dad’s conservatorship. Some messages have got back to her via her hairdressers and style team - but Adnan cannot contact her otherwise he will face jail.”

Maybe this is Daddy Spears at work and he's trying to trap Adnan into replying, so he can send his skanky ass to jail? Operation Wax The Strip! Yeah, probably not. Brit Brit is totally stripmatized and it needs to stop. His face: I'm sick of looking at it.

It's kind of shitty for her since Daddy Spears has her chained up. She can't get over a bitch the way we all do: go out, get boozed, pass that ass around and then cry our shame away in the shower. Seriously, getting dicked in large quantities really does work wonders.

If you're one of Blohan's "sicko fans" then you will pleased to know that you don't have to go far to see her next masterpiece. Fuck, you don't even have to get your fat ass off the sofa, because it will be beamed directly to your TV. Blohan's Labor Pains will make its debut on basic cable! One step closer to selling hand jobs at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada!

The production company told UsWeekly that it will show on ABC Family in July. A month later, it will be thrown into a 50% off discount bin at the 99 Cent Store.

Blohan's response: "YOU SICKO FANS ARE RUINING MY LIIIIFEEEEE!" Stick a meth pipe in it!

Since Blohan is about to become the Meryl Streep of the cable TV movie circuit, I think it's about time she ring up her old friend Ty Ty Banks and propose a sequel to the masterpiece shit show known as LIFE SIZE. Blohan's cracked out soul needs Ty Ty to serenade her with the uplifting anthem "Be A Star." That will make everything okay again. The clip is below and no, Ty Ty is not synching with her lips. She's got natural talent! It's also strange to see lil' Lohan before the meth bugs ate her face.

While Pete Wentz is out partying, chugging his own piss and doing douche bag stuff, Asshole Simpson is sitting at home alone with Bronx Mowgli giving her major bitchface. He's still not over that NOT FUNNY name. Because Asshole only has Bronx's evil eye to keep her warm at night, she's fucking pissed that her twatardian husband is out living it up.

A source told Page Six that there's trouble in doucheland, "Ashlee and Pete are on the rocks. He is going out all the time and she's stuck at home. It's just not working." Of course, their spokesbitch denies this.

I agree that it's not working. You know what else isn't working? Them being parents. They already failed the first test with the name. So everyone should just go their separate ways. Asshole can crawl back under Papa Joe's sweaty ballsack. Pete can grab his dildo and retire to the Hot Topic storage shelf that has had his name on it for years. And Bronx Mowgli can swing into the jungle where the wolves and Baloo are waiting to raise him.