Hood Rat Stuff

Normally when the Shakespearean word "cunt" pivots and leaps off of someone's tongue on live TV, I get all warm instead because I know that it will land on the ears of people who have never heard it before. And that's a beautiful thing. But this morning's cunt bomb on Today was bittersweet, because it came from a 13-year-old girl who is a possible accomplice to a brutal beating of another girl over text messages. And the girl didn't namedrop Heather Mills just once. Girl did it twice!

So yeah, a 13-year-old girl blows out the cunt word like they taught it to her in school (which they should) while talking about her involvement in a beating. Obviously, this girl was expelled from Latarian Milton's Hood Rat Stuff Academy, because she took doing bad things to a whole new scary level.

Why oh why couldn't this cunt bomb from a different 13-year-old girl? You know, I'm going to blame Meredith Vieira for this. She's the one who should've done the cunt bomb honors. It should've come out of her mouth! She knew it was coming and she should've taken care of it herself. Damn you, Meredith! And yes, that's my final answer.

via Gawker TV

EMBED-Ardi Rizal - The real SMOKING BABY !! - Watch more free videos

When I was 2-years-old I was still licking windows and chewing on bed skirts (some things never change), but this badass Indonesian butterball can work a cigarette like a grand master pimp.

This is 2-year-old Ardi Rizal and he smokes up to 40 ciggies a day thanks to his dad who gave him his first taste of nicotine at 14-months-old. I don't whether to weep for his tiny lungs, or laugh at the thought of him rolling up to a group of smokers in his toy trunk to ask them for a hot fag.

Ardi's mother says that her son's habit costs the family around $5.50 a day and he only smokes one brand. Ardi's mother cried as she said, "He's totally addicted. If he doesn't get cigarettes, he gets angry and screams and batters his head against the wall. He tells me he feels dizzy and sick."

And it's totally not weird when Ardi reaches for a pack of cigs after drinking from his mom's tete or asks her for a light while she changes his diaper.

The government has agreed to give Ardi's family a new car if he quits. But Ardi's father, who is about to be named Person of the Century by the tobacco companies, doesn't know what the big deal is, "He looks pretty healthy to me. I don't see the problem." Just so you know, Ardi's father is legally blind and has no nostrils.

I don't see the problem either. So he'll get a voice box installed in his froat before he can make complete sentences. Regular talking is overrated! So he'll probably start craving a little whiskey with his cigarette. Bottom shelf booze is cheaper that baby food!

But serious talk, the family should take that car from the government and drive Ardi into the jungle to be raised by wild monkeys. He'll be better off.

via The Sun (Thanks James G.)

If you happen to be in the NYC area and spot a crazed supermodel with rage in her eyes and a Blackberry in hand, RUN don't sashay to the nearest discount clothing chain (bitch doesn't go near those) and call the police! It's most likely Naomi the Terrible and she's a WANTED woman!

The New York Post says that the terror of the catwalk allegedly Naomi Campbell-ed a chauffeur this afternoon. The story goes that Naomi freaked out at a driver who was taking her around the city. When the driver called the police, Naomi busted out of the car and fled the scene! Naomi is now at large, and the police are looking for her.

The police said that the driver suffered a few minor bruises and bumps as a result of getting punched out by Naomi. The police simply handed him a pamphlet for the Victims of Naomi Campbell support group. They meet every Wednesday night in the basement of a church.

It's not known why Naomi flipped out, but I'm guessing the driver made the mistake of looking her in the eye. Shit, he might have just looked in her direction. That is why it's best just to blindfold yourself around Naomi and claim you're deaf. Even if you're driving!

See no evil, hear no evil!

ANSWER: Jermaine Jackson's 13-year-old son Jaafar!

Child Protective Services was called to the Jackson family home in Encino last night after they heard about an incident involving Jaafar, Blanket Jackson and a taser gun. TMZ reports that last week the Jackson's security team confiscated a taser gun Jaafar ordered off the internet. Katherine Jackson locked the gun up in one of her wig closets.

While Latarian Milton was in L.A., he must have taught Jaafar how to pick a lock using a fish bone, because he was able to get a hold of the taser gun.

Security caught Jaafar on the second floor of the home trying to turn 7-year-old Blanket into an ELECTRIC BLANKET! And that's why CPS stepped in. According to sources, two social workers spoke to Katherine and Jaafar. They also confiscated the stun gun. They are planning to return to the home to investigate the incident further.

But Blanket isn't safe yet! The sources added that there's a second taser gun somewhere in the house. Poor Blanket will have to sleep with rubber boots on and a tongue depressor in his mouth. How dreadful.

Katherine needs to put her discipline wig on and handle those kids. It's turning into Lord of the Flies over there.

Jaafar shares his name with a Disney villain, so this shouldn't really surprise me, but it does. I would expect this type of behavior from Jermajesty, because well....his name is Jermajesty. If that was name, I'd be so angry that I'd tase every bitch within arm reach.

And if Jaafar really feels the need to tase, AIM FOR JOE!

Last month, Latarian Milton stole a commercial plane and flew over to Los Angeles to do bad things during a spot for Comedy Central's tosh.0. Latarian's basic cable TV debut aired last night. In the scripted and slightly awkward segment, Latarian trains Daniel in the art of hood rat stuff. But as we all know, hood rat stuff cannot be taught! It's in the veins. Or you can get it from eating a lot of chicken wings at Walmart.

While Latarian was out West, I was kind of hoping he would put his hood rat stuff skills to good use by hotwiring Gary Coleman's career. Come on, Latarian! Help a fellow hood rat shorty out!

If you're in Los Angeles this weekend, make sure your car seat belt is on extra tight, test your air bags, put a helmet on your head and keep a box of Walmart brand chicken fangers in your glove compartment at all times, because the Hood Rat Stuff Hurricane is in your parts!

9-year-old Latarian Milton is finally dropping some potent hood rat stuff on Hollywood, almost 2 years after he caused $11,000 worth of damage while taking his grandma's SUV for a joy ride. Latarian and his memama Vikkita Stratford arrived in Los Angeles on Friday to tape an appearance on Comedy Central! Vikkita said that Latarian has already turned down a million offers from Hollywood (Lindsay Lohan wishes she had his troubles), and the Comedy Central gig is the first one he's accepted. Vikkita hopes that this will lead to an acting career for Latarian.

YES! Finally an action star we can all get behind. No seriously, you better get behind Latarian's ass or he might run you over.

And I have a feeling that Speed 3: I Like to Do Bad Things will be greenlit any day.

Source: Fox29 (Thanks Susan)

A drunk crossdressing 4-year-old broke into a neighbor's house and stole their Christmas presents on Tuesday morning in Chattanooga, TN. File this under: What would happen if I ever raised a kid. You can also cross-file it under: Might be a Spears.

It all started when 4-year-old Hayden Wright got a little thirstay in the early morning hours on Tuesday. Hayden went to the kitchen and opened up the refrigerator. Since nothing quenches the thirst of a 4-year-old like a cold beer, he grabbed one out of the fridge, opened it up and took a few sips. After he got a little of the sweet nectar in his system, Hayden was ready to party like Eddie Murphy so he headed for the next door neighbor's house.

Hayden got into the neighbor's house through an unlocked door and immediately noticed a bunch of presents under the Christmas tree. The presents must have called his name, because Hayden opened up five of them. One of the presents he opened up was a purdy brown dress, so naturally, Hayden slipped it on. You know, I'm beginning to think that I magically became a 4-year-old and transported to Tennessee on Tuesday without knowing it.

After Hayden put on the dress, he went to another neighbor's house and rang the door bell a few times. That neighbor called the police. The police found Hayden wandering the streets in the brown dress while drinking the beer. Hayden and his 21-year-old mother April were taken to the local hospital.

April said that Hayden's father is in jail, so he might have been trying to get arrested so he could go be with him. ACK! And suddenly this story took a turn to SADSVILLE.

Child Protective Services met with April yesterday and said they have no plans to take custody away from her. TLC also met with April and says they have serious plans to make Hayden a reality TV star. I made that last part up, but it will probably turn out to be true.

Source (Thanks Taylor)

Somewhere in the world, Latarian Milton is smiling from ear to ear in between snacking on chicken fingers, because his "hood rat stuff" way of life LIVES ON! This past Sunday in Utah, a 7-year-old boy stole his father's Dodge Intrepid and drove off! Fox13 says that the boy, we'll call Latarian II, busted through a stop sign and almost crashed into another car. He can be an instructor at the Linday Lohan School of Driving.

The ho in the other card realized that a shorty was at the wheel, so they called the cops. Buzz killers.

When the cops caught up with Latarian II, he turned down another street to avoid them. The boy led the police on a short chase through the parking lot of a local high school. The chase ended when the boy drove back to his house, parked in the driveway and ran inside to hide.

When his father asked why he stole the car, Latarian II had a very valid reason. He said that he was trying to get out of going to church!!! Cue all of us shaking our heads in agreement while saying, "Oooooh, okay then."

Seriously, the boy reacted in a perfectly natural way. Whenever someone suggests I go to church with them, I steal a Dodge Intrepid and drive the fuck off too.

And how do I submit both Latarian Milton and Latarian II into the next Indy 500? Team Hood Rat Stuff all the way!