I Can't With You
In case you didn't already know from looking at her, Avril Lavigne is never growing up and when she's 50, she'll be in the backyard of some abandoned house, downing wine coolers as the 13-year-old sk8r bois do ollies in the empty pool.
The Hot Topic Pikachu put out a video for her new single "Here's To Never Hitting Puberty' and in it she wears her old outfit from the Complicated video, whine yodels at a prom and trashes a school hallway with a bunch of teenagers. Bitch is 28 years old and spraying champagne at a bunch of high schoolers! Shouldn't she be on a list or something?
Believe it or not, this isn't the most embarrassing thing the Canadian Peter Pan has done. Getting engaged to the humanized Top Ramen brick will always hold that title.
Maybe Avril Lavigne stays looking like a 14-year-old circa 2002, because she really has no choice. She's smeared so much black tar on her eyes that she can't get it off and so she's going to look that way forever. When you've got permanent black paint eyes like that, you can either retreat to the mountains of China and live the rest of your life as a panda or you can keep your Kohl's version of punk rock look.
Just when you think that Lindsay Lohan has scraped the bottom of the barrel of dumb so much that all that's left is a splinter of wood, she finds a way to scrape some more.
The judge should know to never ever trust a gnome with a law degree, because they are shifty shits and will lie to you with a twinkle in their eyes. That's exactly what LiLo's lawyer Mark Heller did in court this morning. He told the judge that LiLo was "ensconced in the bosom of" rehab this morning when she was really buying crap at Fry's in Fountain Valley, CA. The NYDN says that LiLo eventually made it to Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, but two minutes after she walked through the door, she walked back through it and left. Don't strain any of your face muscles on this mess today. Just let my cousin in the background frown for all of us.
According to the NYDN, LiLo showed up to Morningside at around noon, spent a couple of minutes there, got spooked by the paparazzi (uh huh) and then jumped back into her SUV. Someone heard LiLo saying, "I'm not going to rehab.... I'm not going to rehab... Take me back to the airport." Some source said that LiLo was headed back to LAX to get on a plane to NYC. The Santa Monica City Attorney Terry White said that if it's true and she is getting on a plane, then a warrant will be issued and she'll be arrested when she lands in New York.
Radar must've sent an alert to Michael Lohan's pager (he is so the type that still carries a pager) and he stopped kicking vaginas for a second to pipe in about this. Michael tells Radar that it's true that LiLo is on the run.
Last night, I thought I was really not giving a shit when I ate a cold piece of Popeye's chicken in the tub. But I should remind myself that nobody doesn't give a shit more than this bitch doesn't give a shit. LiLo should make her way to New York, car jack a blue Thunderbird convertible, pick up Amanda Bynes and head for Mexico like a cracked out version of Thelma & Louise.
And on a positive note, I do like the condom hoodie LieLow's wearing in that picture. The Health Department probably made her wear it.
The Amanda Bynes saga got even weirder for a second last night when Jenny McCarthy of all fame whores and publicist type Jonathan Jaxson start tweet screaming about how the police were at her apartment and how something must be done!
It all started out as a regular night for Amanda. She tweeted a couple of topless pictures of her looking like a blond OctoMom cleaning up in a gas station bathroom after a busy night of turning tricks on the stroll. That was that, and then Jenny McCarthy jumped in and tweeted that the police were at Amanda's house, but wait, maybe they aren't at Amanda's house, because she's getting all of her info from some publicist's tweets and it's not confirmed. (In other words, Jenny was drunk.)
The publicist type Jenny was talking about was Jonathan Jaxson who spent his night live-tweeting the whole thing. Jonathan claims that he talked to Amanda and she sounded drugged all the way up, so he tweeted the NYPD and TMZ to find her and help her. And then he kept tweeting and tweeting and tweeting and patting himself on the back as he tweeted and tweeted...
I just spoke to @AmandaBynes and she is soooo messed up on drugs and please @NY_POLICE find her and help her! I don't know her address! @TMZ
If trying to help someone you feel is in trouble is a crime, then there is a problem. A cry for help is just that! I did what I KNEW to do!
I personally decided to delete certain tweets because the last thing I want anyone to think is tonight was about me. It was about another!
first and then got it and called the NYPD again in NYC, who said I had to have a proper address. Amanda has been changing her number weekly.
In addition to hotel hoping and gym hoping. Amanda needed help and I did everything I could and knew to do to help!
Amanda kept quiet on Twitter the entire time and nobody knows if the cops even went to her apartment.
UPDATE: And Amanda responded to Jenny and found her guilty of being old and ugly:
UPDATE II: After Amanda called Jenny old and ugly, Jenny apologized and Amanda took it all back. I really never could with this, but now I really can't.
When you're getting ready to shuffle into court-ordered rehab, your first thought should always be, "What do I wear?!" Because court-ordered rehab IS the fashion event of the season.
Lindsay Lohan will check into 90-day rehab tomorrow and she Instagrammed (and then deleted) this picture of her packing last night and added the caption, "90 days and 270 looks." If you're looking at this picture and spot the missing studded jeans that LiLo probably stole from your dirty laundry basket, don't be mad. I'm sure she'll work the hell out of them in rehab.
TMZ says that as of now, LiLo doesn't really know which rehab facility will host her daily rehab chic fashion show. The judge and the City Attorneys for Santa Monica and L.A. have already okayed the Seafield Center in the Hamptons, but she's having second thoughts about the place. It's a non-smoking zone and she doesn't think she can keep her mouth off of a lit fag for 90 days. Seafield also won't let her bring 270 looks in. They only allow 7 outfits.
LiLo might check into Morningside Recovery Center in Newport Beach, CA, because they're okay with patients smoking. The problem with that is the City Attorneys haven't signed off on Morningside.
Like LiLo cares about rules. Bitch will still go to Seafield and every time she wants to inhale some Marlboro smoke, she'll just do this with her roommate.
Besides, those hos at Seafield won't even notice her smoking, because they'll be too dazzled and hypnotized by her *FASHIONS*.
I've always known that Wendy and Casper were going to freak on each other sooner or later...
The Swedish police taking his weed stash didn't get Justin Bieber down and before his concert in Stockholm today, he and a glasses-free Urkel leaned back and freak danced their way onto his tour bus. I see Justin trying to make Usher jealous by leaning into that dude's crotch.
You can laugh all you want at those foolish onesies, but you know who's not laughing? Justin's au pair. That onesie makes it extra easy for her to change his diaper when he gets a violent case of the weed shits. And where is Justin's au pair anyway? She needs to stick a pacifier in his mouth, because sucking his thumb is going to give him buck teeth and then he's really going to look like a beaver.
Seen above wearing the protective face net that keeps the essence of the middle class from touching her skin when she goes to the liquor store to buy American Spirits, Goopy Paltrow talked to Harper's Bazaar about her life and has once again filled my eyes with poop-covered drops of gold. Here's my favorite part out of the whole thing:
Having survived her 10th London winter (she got through January by assigning it "international month," and amusing Moses and his big sister, Apple, 9, with a visiting Italian chef, Japanese anime screenings, and hand-rolled-sushi lessons, no less), Paltrow admits that her dreams of relocating the family to their recently acquired residence in Brentwood, California, are becoming ever more urgent. "Just to have my kids be in the sun every day—picking avocados, going for a swim," she says. "Even for two years or something, and come back when they go to senior school."
So at 7 years old, Moses can probably get a job as a sous chef at Nobu and he can tell you who his 5 favorite Italian chefs are....and he can tell you in Italian. At 7 years old, I didn't even know sushi existed, the only thing I rolled was Play-Doh and my favorite Italian chef was (and still is) Chef Boyardee. THE RICH: They're not like us!
And then Goopy denied that she's ever had her face pulled, but she did get Botoxed up once:
"I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I'm 50. I'll try anything. Except I won't do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!"
If only they Botoxed her tongue... Well, Goopy probably figured that the shit that comes out of her mouth lets the world know that she's nuts, so there's no use in communicating that with her face too.
Finally, Goopy admits that her one guilty pleasure is sucking on an American Spirit cigarette every Saturday night. I can picture her now. Goopy lounges in the garden of her London townhouse and while Moses is inside making raw dolphin sashimi for dinner, she takes a long drag of that American Spirit and says to herself in her natural British accent, "Oh, those Americans are useless buggers, but they do know how to make a good fag. Pip pip."
And here's another example for why country-rap crossover songs are the worst. (I will eat every single one of my words if Dolly Parton and Khia put out a song together). In Brad Paisley's new song "Accidental Racist," he starts out telling a story about how a dude at Starbucks threw a side-eye at the Confederate flag t-shirt he was wearing. Brad wants that dude to know that he wasn't declaring his love for slavery by wearing that shit, he was just declaring his love for Skynyrd. Then Brad goes on to sing about how it's hard being white before LL Cool J comes in and raps about how it's hard being black and they both go on and on about how we need to stop judging each other. It's like a bizarro remake of Ebony and Ivory. The chorus goes like this:
I'm just a white man comin' to you from the south land tryin' to understand what it's like not to be.
I'm proud of where I'm from but not everything we've done. It ain't like you and me can rewrite history.
Our generation didn't start this nation. We're still pickin' up the pieces, walkin' on eggshells, fightin' over yesterday.
Caught between southern pride and southern blame.
And LL Cool J raps out the lines “If you don’t judge my do-rag, I won’t judge your red flag” and "If you don't judge my gold chains, I'll forget the iron chains." Fuckery everywhere!
After some people declared this song the worst thing they've ever heard, Brad wanted to clear some shit up and he explained the song to Entertainment Weekly. Brad said that it's not a stunt and he's not trying to get attention. Brad just wanted to start a conversation about racism and symbols and Starbucks and shit. Here's a small piece of what Brad said:
I just think art has a responsibility to lead the way, and I don’t know the answers, but I feel like asking the question is the first step, and we’re asking the question in a big way. How do I show my Southern pride? What is offensive to you? And he kind of replies, and his summation is really that whole let’s bygones be bygones and ‘If you don’t judge my do rag, I won’t judge your red flag.’ We don’t solve anything, but it’s two guys that believe in who they are and where they’re from very honestly having a conversation and trying to reconcile.
“I’m with my audience 100 percent in the Southern pride thing, in the same way that a Yankees fan is very proud of where he’s from — that’s LL. We’ve got pictures of him in a New York Yankees cap doing his vocal, which is so appropriate.
“But, you know, it’s such a complicated issue — I’m reading up on it now, [since] I felt I needed to be well-armed for any discussion – and here he is in a Yankees cap, and you think to yourself, ‘Well here is the antithesis of what was the problem.’ But it’s not. New York City was all for slavery. They actually voted 60 percent against — or maybe 70 against — Abraham Lincoln because they didn’t like the idea of slavery going away because there goes cotton and there goes tobacco trade, you know what I mean? It’s very hypocritical to feel like it’s just the South’s fault.
“But, at the same time, symbols mean things, and I know one thing: It just doesn’t do any good to blatantly do things and be like, ‘Just get over it.’ That’s not what we’re saying. This is a very sensitive subject, and we’re trying to have the discussion in a way that it can help.”
If Brad and LL Cool J really wanted to end racism through song, they should've just done a cover of this:
Yesterday, Beyonce released a mysterious teaser trailer for something big that was going to happen on April 4th. The bumblebeys of the beyhive all stung each other out of excitement, because they thought she was going to throw a new song at them, but nope. It turns out her "something big" is a Pepsi commercial. It shouldn't be surprising that Beyonce releases a teaser trailer for a commercial since she releases a teaser trailer five minutes before she has a bowel movement.
I guess drinking Pepsi while you're under the influence of yourself and wig glue makes you hallucinate, because Beyonce starts a dance-off with Beyonces of the past. Whatever, I'll save my excitement for when Basement Baby's commercial for Mountain Lighting airs on Public Access.
It hurts putting the "Dumb Bitch of the Day" tag with the "Jeremy Irons" tag, but the crap that fell out of his mouth during his interview with HuffPost Live....
HuffPost Live's Josh Zepps brought up the topic of same-sex marriage and Jeremy Irons could've easily just said that he doesn't care about it or he doesn't like it or whatever. But instead, he opened up his talk hole and let out a rambling stream of shit. Jeremy is afraid that same-sex marriage will lead to fathers marrying their sons for tax reasons.
Here's how Jeremy and Josh's conversation went (SPOILER ALERT: It ran off the rails and crashed). It almost makes more sense if you picture Scar saying this instead of Jeremy Irons:
Jeremy: Well, I don't know... It's a very interesting one, that, and I don't really have a strong feeling, but I see that... What we had in England, which was not marriage, but it was a union you could make if you were gay and wanted to make a civil partnership.
Josh: Yes, civil union sort of has the same rights as marriage, but not the name.
Jeremy: That's right. Same rights, not the name. It seems to me that now they're fighting for the name and I worry that it means somehow we debase or we change what marriage is. I just worry about that. I mean, tax-wise is an interesting one, because could a father not marry his son?
Josh: Um, well there are laws against incest.
Jeremy: It's not incest between men. Incest is there to protect us against inbreeding, but men don't breed, so incest wouldn't cover that. Now if that was so, then if I wanted to pass on my estate without death duties, I could marry my son and pass on my estate to him.
Josh: No, that sounds like a total red herring. I'm sure that incest law would still cover same-sex marriages.
Jeremy: Really, why?
Josh: Because I don't think that incest law is only justified on the basis of the consequences of procreation. I think there's also a moral approbation that's associated with incest.
Jeremy: But I think it comes from breeding. I think the lawyers are going to have a field day with same-sex marriage. I don't have a strong feeling either way. I just wish everyone that's living with one other person the best luck in the world, because it's fantastic.
Josh: Spoken like a happily married man.
Jeremy: Yeah, and also a man who has a dog that he loves.
THE FUCK?! Jeremy Irons said a few years ago that children under 16 are "immensely attractive" and the "hysteria" over pedophilia is ruining relationships between parents and their kids. Then he says this shit? Jeremy's son Max Irons is going to side-eye him something extra the next time they hug.
And now I can't fap to Jeremy Irons the next time Damage comes on cable. Jeremy Irons is ruining Jeremy Irons for me!
Here's the video if you need to hear those words coming out of Jeremy's mouth.
Michelle Duggar's overworked sweat shop uterus has been hyperventilating into a paper bag ever since she said that she's trying to have another baby, but now she's giving it some much-needed relief. The Duggars are expecting one new member this year and Michelle Duggar did say that her uterus is always open to carrying another fetus ("Speak for yourself, heffa" - Michelle Duggar's uterus), but she recently told People that they're also considering adoption. The Duggars will do whatever it takes to have a family that's bigger than the population of Guam.
Michelle says that her brain opened up to the idea of adoption when her family visited an orphanage in Beijing. They are getting on their knees, closing their eyes and asking God about it.
"We are open to the idea of adoption. We are praying about it, and we will see what God has in store. Love for children has been placed on our hearts. The kids are definitely pushing towards wanting us to open our home up to another child or more. They see how much we have been blessed with and how little so many children have and they want to share. We tell our children that would have to be something that is God's will for our family, and we will see if it is. Our children love children, and we all do.
We are open to whatever is in store. It doesn't really matter whether I would have another child or we would adopt, but we want to approach it with an open heart. We have friends that have adopted children who are a great influence in our lives, and we have talked about their experiences. So it's something we've considered. We have to know for sure that is what God wants for us to do. When he gives us a child [through pregnancy], there is no doubt in our minds that is what He wants, but when it comes to adoption, we would have to know for sure that was His will."
If there is a God, God will drop two tubs of spermicide, fifty boxes of diaphragms, 900 birth control pills and a thousand condoms on the Duggars when they ask God what they should do. Or better yet, God should just drop all the OctoKids on them. Actually, I don't mean that. I'd rather be raised by OctoCrazy than be raised by one of the Duggar daughters. I mean, at least Octo has good drugs and massive amounts of weed.