I Can't With You

Before we get back on Matthew Fox's Dharma party van of pussy punches, I should let you know that mug shot isn't really Matthew Fox and has been around for years. I know. I wish that after Matthew allegedly right hooked a trick in the tit, he wept like a strained turtle whose head is too fat to hide in its shell during his mug shot session.

CNN says that prosecutors in Cleveland have charged Dr. Jack Shepard with assault for acting like a drunk assbag when he threw fists at a (to be read in the slurry voice of a boozed bitch with a party yard long cup in hand) PAAAAAAAARTY BUUUUUS driver when she refused to let him on. The party bus driver Heather Bormann said that Matthew punched her in the legs, but his fists eventually ended up on her chichi sacks and coochie zone. Heather turned off Matthew's punches by fisting him in the face. Matthew was detained by the police that night but quickly released. Prosecutors took pictures of the bruises that Matthew left on Heather's arms and legs. Matthew has said nothing about this so far.

Let's see. Jin was busted for DUI. Libby was busted for DUI. Ana Lucia was busted for DUI. Mr. Eko was busted for driving without a license. And now Matthew Fox. The LOST curse will never leave the island! The smoke monster, that dead polar bear, Sawyer, Hurley, Ben and the others better keep their fists in their ass cracks and act right on the PAAAAAARTY BUUUUS or this could be them! I've heard that Kate can't get even get arrested in this town, so that bitch is safe. Lucky for her.

via UsWeekly

David Gest really needs to keep his bestiality fantasies involving Bubbles, Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson to himself, because the world doesn't want to know the SUCIONESS that slithers around in the gutters of his imagination. Okay, maybe we do, because if he did keep that mess to himself we'd never have this hilariously creepy story about a chimp's toe sucking fetish. This is what David Gest said during a Michael Jackson documentary that's supposed to air in the UK this October:

“Whitney was having dinner with Michael at his Neverland home when she accidentally dropped her knife under the table. While Michael was retrieving it for her, Whitney felt her toes being sucked. She moaned, ‘Michael, is that you? Don’t stop. That’s so sensual’. Yet Michael’s head popped up and her toes were still being sucked. It turned out it was Bubbles."

HAHAHAHA. David needs to show us the receipts or shut his second face, because this really reads like bad fan fiction. Like Whitney would ever use the word "sensual." Bitch isn't Courtney Stodden! Whitney would say something like "Ooooh, baby, suck the dirt out of that nail!" or "Get that jam like your tongue is peanut butter and we're trying to swirl up some Goobers!" or "When you're done there, baby, use that sweet suction cup mouth to suck out my doodie bubble, because I got a boatload with a stuck anchor."

Wait. Maybe that's why they call him BUBBLES?! Shit. Good. Night.

via The Mirror

If you've ever wanted to gaze deep into Jim Carrey's 49-year-old pores while he spills the crazy out in an open ode to his love for 22-year-old Emma Stone, this is the shit for you. Jim lets all of us know what thinks of when he jerks off by saying that if he was 20 years younger he'd make a bunch of fat freckled babies with Emma Stone. Then Jim says that he wishes Emma joy, and happiness, and above all this he wishes her laaaaaaaaauuuuuuuv. This video has since been recorded onto a VHS tape, stuffed into a manila envelope and passed to Kevin Costner who has been hired to protect Emma since Jim is obviously thisclose to moving into one of her front bushes. No. Jim is just telling jokes (I think). Here's the transcript which is best read with the karaoke version of THIS.

I just wanted to let you know that I think you're all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled faced kids. We'd laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex?

Everyday for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I'm not. I'm 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little grey in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernible signs of aging that I can find so far. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You're pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That's all.

We'll also say that Jim is telling jokes when he starts Tweeting about what Emma's toilet paper smells like while he's hiding out inside of her front yard trash can. Emma, the WTF is in your court.

But seriously, what the hell kind of poppers did those penguins give Jim?!

Source: Jim Carrey via HuffPo

Just when you thought PETA's bowels had no more turnip shit craziness (the vegan equivalent of bat shit) to push out, they have squatted low, got deep and pushed out a giant ridiculous mound of terrifying WTFness. We already know that PETA really stands for Pimping Equalparts Tits and Ass since they use the message of "don't be mean to the animals" to give us tofu titties and soy snatch, but now they're taking things hardcore. PETA tells HuffPo that they are putting together a porn site and have already bought the domain Peta.xxx. For those of you kinky veganphiles out there who think that you will finally get a site full of cauliflower puree facials and dairy-free cream pies, you will be disappointed.

PETA says that there will be shots of simple fucking, but they're also going to throw in shots of animals getting tortured. So yeah, you know how hos say that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten? Well, now you'll get to see that kitten getting killed after you beat your meat. This brings a whole new meaning to choking the chicken.

This is how those crazies at PETA put it:

"We live in a 24 hour news cycle world and we learn the racy things we do are sometimes the most effective way that we can reach particular individuals. We really want to grab people's attention, get them talking and to question the status quo and ultimately take action, because the best way we can help the greatest number of animals is simply by not eating them.

PETA's sexy side displayed in galleries and videos will quickly give way to the sinister world of animal mistreatment uncovered by the group’s hidden camera investigations in a very different kind of graphic content.

There will be a lot of girl and boy next door content, but we haven't ruled out celebrities on the site as well. People who are extraordinarily dedicated to helping animals and who are willing to do whatever it takes to draw attention to the suffering they endure."

PETA gets a congratulatory taint slap for fully embracing what they're really good at (aka whoring out tits), but do they know what they're really doing besides busting out the most horrifying STUNT QUEEN move ever? I mean, shots of porn vegans making tofu butter with their crotches mixed with shots of a baby seal getting clubbed? While most of us will stain our keyboards with lube by fapping to ANY other porn site but PETA's, the soon-to-be serial killers of the world have just found their new heaven. "I wish there was a site like that when I was growing up!" - Charles Manson

Abercrombie & Fitch put out a statement last night about how they're really concerned that their pristine image as purveyors of class has been dirtied up by the sight of a tanning bed-roasted herpes tortoise in their clothes. A&F wants to pay The Situation to unplace their product from his body, because they think it's bad for business. Yup, their demographic wearing their clothes on TV is what they think is really ruining their reputation. Not padded bikini tops for prostitots-in-training. Not racist t-shirts. But The Situation wearing their shit. The Situation and A&F belong together like a suppository belongs in a constipated bitch's ass, but since the best part of waking up is a LOL in your cup, let's humor them by reading their STUNT QUEEN statement:

We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino's association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans. We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael 'The Situation' Sorrentino and the producers of MTV's The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Have you ever been inside of an Abercrombie? It's a torture chamber for all the senses. You can't see shit, because it's so dark. You can't hear shit, because the loud ass music is sodomizing your ear holes. You can't breathe in pure oxygen, because it's like a cologne gas chamber in there. It's basically like being stuck in a douchebag's colon after he gave himself an A&F cologne enema. It's to distract you from seeing the numbers on the price tags. It's an awful hell cave and the next Hostel movie should take place there.

If you actually pushed the dimmer switch to the top, you'd see that most of the whores shopping there look exactly like The Situation. A&F knows this, so this is obviously just a STUNTUATION. Well played, I guess.

And no A&F post is complete without a portrait of their naturally beautiful CEO Mike Jeffries:

Oh, Mike, you're as creative with publicity stunts as you are with fucking up your face.

via WSJ

If you're a woman who should ever find Jeremy Irons' hand cupping your nalgas without a verbal permission slip, there's no need to reenact everyone's favorite sexual harassment PSA by telling him that you don't have to take it! Jeremy is just being friendly. Jeremy doesn't believe in tooth bleach and he also doesn't believe that an ass pat is worth getting the law involved.

Jeremy told Britain's Radio Times (via CM) that he thinks women nowadays are way too quick to scream ADULT MOLESTATION when a man gently patty cakes them on the ass cheek. Jeremy blames political correctness.

"It's gone too far. There are too many people in power with too little to do, so they churn out laws to justify their jobs.

I hope it's a rash that will wear itself out. If a man puts his hand on a woman's bottom, any woman worth her salt can deal with it. It's communication. Can't we be friendly?"

Jeremy is completely right and it doesn't make him an old skeeze geezer pervert for saying so. Men were given hands to shake the hands of other men during business deals and to fix cars or some shit. Women were given hands to cook meals, change diapers and work a stripper pole. Women folk can't say "hi" with their hands, because they should have their hands full of pie dough, babies and stripper poles! So a man has no choice but to say "hi" by shaking a lady's ass cheek. This is from the natural laws of DUH!

And a lady can obviously return the "hi" by kneeing Jeremy. I would say "by macing him," but again, you should have BABIES!!!! in your hands, not mace!

And I don't know why I'm acting like women are actually reading this. They should be too busy getting ready for TUBE TOP TUESDAYS at the office. (Serious note: I really wish Dlisted's offices had TUBE TOP TUESDAYS.)

Elle Magazine should really change their name to The Hell? Magazine this month, because Fishsticks Paltrow has nearly outdone herself by launching clueless shit nugget after clueless shit nugget off of her tongue during the interview.

Name dropping Jay-Z and Beyonce so much that they are considering dropping and changing their names completely so Fishy will never be able to find them? CHECK!

Bragging about how strangers come up to her and compliment her hot post-baby bikini body? CHECK!

Saying that she's got the dirtiest mouth out of all her friends even though we all know that the word "fuck" sounds like the name of a 5-star Czechoslovakian restaurant when her pretentious ass says it? CHECK!

Starting stretching your eyeballs and get ready to roll:

On getting support from Beyoncé on her surprise duet with Cee Lo Green at the Grammys: “This story always makes me cry…It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé !”

On the advice Beyoncé gave her before her performance: “Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”

On creating a solo album: “Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go…in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”

And then after Beyonce told Fishy to do her Indian dance, she turned to her cousin and was like, "Remember when you peed yourself while laughing at that bitch do her Indian dance at Jay's concert? Don't drink any water, because you're going to be doing a lot more laughing tonight. Panjabi MC! He wasn't even at Jay's show. I made it up and she nods at me like 'uh huh.' Bitch is crazy. Oh, and can you believe she asked me if I would help her with her album? Is my name Basement Baby, bitch? I told her to do it by herself. Like I need another bomb on my hands. I should've given her that shitty Girls Who Rule The World song. "

Fishy then swam past the topic of her music and got into GOOP:

On deciding to launch GOOP: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”

On going public with her personal care regimens: “It’s so much easier to sit home and not exercise and criticize other people. What I love is inspiring people. People come up to me and say, ‘I want to have two kids and wear a bathing suit and not feel terrible about myself. I see how hard you work and it makes me feel like I can do that too.’”

Who in the hell are these terrible people going up to Fishy and saying that bullshit?! Tell them the concierge from their Paris hotel recommends a wonderful restaurant with organic wine and complimentary bikini waxes. It's called Le Go Jump Off A Fucking Cliff. Moving on...

Did you know Fishy is the funniest person in the world? I have to agree with her. Fishy proved it by comparing Chris Martin to Picasso.

On showing the world a different side of herself: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”

On choosing not to go to her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin for advice on music: “[He’s] a musical genius. It’s like living with Picasso, and being like, ‘Should I make a little something-something?’”

On keeping her marriage out of the spotlight: “He makes music for his fans, and he doesn’t want people to conjure a lame famous couple when they’re getting into his music. I get it.”

And now can you ask our concierge where there's a good place to take a nap, because reading a Fishsticks interview always makes me feel like I just got a Brazilian wax on my brain.

Displaying the chemistry of two paralyzed sloths in a puddle of cold diarrhea, Melissa George of Alias kissed on yoga tortoise Russell Simmons at a soccer game in New Jersey last week. The Daily Mail says that Melissa is still married to her husband of 11 years Claudio Dabed and hasn't said anything about how their marriage is now lying in a coffin waiting to be buried. But I guess a picture of Melissa putting her mouth on a skeleton wrapped in water damaged leather is worth a thousand words. Seriously, you know it's real love when both of them look like they're trying to push out a hard shit into the toilet.

Russell and Melissa went officially public as a question mark's favorite couple by posing together at some charity event he hosted in the Hamptons yesterday. So I guess the last two people in the world I ever thought would hump on each other are humping on each other.

Here's Russell and Melissa in the Hamptons yesterday with Kimora, Djimon Hounsou and all their kids. I'm going to assume that Melissa Botoxed her face until she didn't look like herself, so that bitches wouldn't recognize her when she goes out with Russell. Nice disguise, Melissa. Your secret is safe with us. Just use your shovel vagina to pull as much gold out of Russell's tequila worm dick as possible and I won't judge you for this.

My eyes have been opened. The real reason why JLo and Skeletor's marriage has a chalk outline around it, isn't because of the rumors that he's got hos in every crevice of Eternia or that he wanted a say in every piece of fabric that hugged her double pan de agua ass. A poster at Lipstick Alley (via ONTD) says it's because JLo threw a black lace veil over her chocha and mourned the loss of all feeling down there due to Skeletor's 11-inch crotch arm of force. SANTO DIOS! To quote my abuelita: "Aye can't!"

First of all, whose wrist are we using as a measurement, because if it's Skeletor's then that's giving me a totally different image. Skeletor could share wrist bracelets with Barbie, so that's just making me picture his dick looking like a long tapeworm. Second of all, maybe Skeletor is just a giant walking dick with a tiny wig on its head, because I'm pretty sure he's 11 inches long from top to bottom.

You know, when this is the first thing you see in your inbox in the morning, you know it's a sign to log off for the day, fill the tub and stick your head in it. You bring the Calgon. For the Calgon enema, not to go in the water. It's one of those days.

And here's JLo trying to recover from Skeletor's Power of Grayskull pinga while shooting What To Expect When You're Expecting in Atlanta yesterday.

These pictures of Kim Kardashian at LAX with marks on her legs are from last week and most figured that the lacquered shell that covers her body was starting to chip and she just needed to be wheeled into the mannequin factory for a touch-up. But nope. Those marks were a preview for the July 24th episode of Krapping Up the Kardashians where Kim breaks down on the set of a commercial and confesses that she has psoriasis. How many takes do you think it took for Kim to try to say "psoriasis" before the crew said fuckit and asked Khloe to do it in post-production? Kim then went on to wah wah wah about how it's so hard being perfect.

"People don't understand the pressure on me to look perfect. When I gain a pound it's in the headlines. Imagine what the tabloids would do to me if they saw all these spots!

I have to wear a sports bra and I have this rash all over my stomach. What will the producers say? In a photoshoot they can just photo-shop it out but this is on video. They can't hide this."

"Kim Kardashian looks perfect," said absolutely fucking no one.

"Imagine what the tabloids would do to me if they saw all these spots!" Bitch, they'd publish those pictures which is exactly what you sold your soul to Lucifer for. Why is Kim really acting like she doesn't use her "imperfections" to extend her time on the prime corner of the ho stroll? This is the ho who is on the cover of a tabloid every other week shouting: "I HAVE CELLULITE. SO WHAT?" So that's why I'm a little surprised that Kim didn't use her disease to get a "This is my psoriasis bikini body!" cover of Life & Style that should've out the same day as that KUWTK episode. Kris Jenner is slipping.