I Can't With You
Right before Australia's World Cup match against Germany, John Travolta tried to boost their morale by farting out a few bars of "You're the One That I Want." The second hand embarrassment the players suffered fucked them up so bad that they lost to Germany, 4 to shit. They will never be the same again.
Why, John, why?! Now the Australian players will NEVER let you into the locker room so that you can sit on a pile of their dirty jock straps while watching them shower.
If I was sitting behind Tom Brady at the Celtics vs. Lakers game last week, I would've rubbed my palms together, kissed them each for good luck and then tried to snatch that moppy wig off of his head. Only that shit is not a wig. That's real-life hair. Real-life hair he paid to get cut that way.
Either bitch lost a serious bet or Gisele Bundchen has a weird thing for Justin Bieber and Dorothy Hamill. Whatever the case may be, this is bringing out the "DURRRRR" in his face.
In order to get through this together, let's just pretend that Tom is more cultured than we think and this new cut is a tribute to the twinkle in my step known as PETER PAN DUDE:
Doesn't that feel better? This is obviously the look Tom is going for. I mean, who wouldn't want to look like this? No wonder Tinkerbell sneezes and queefs glitter. You would too if you were constantly breathing in the sparkly air around this magical beauty.
Since most people can't stomach Tommy Girl unless he's wearing prosthetics and covered with thick hair from one of Khloe Kardashian's wax strips, he has signed on to star in a feature film version based on Len Grossman, the character he played in Tropic Thunder. Well, actually some dudes can stomach Tommy Girl in his regular form if he pays them in cash beforehand. But that's besides the point. They are making a Les Grossman movie! I can't, and neither should you. Here's the press release from Paramount (via Coming Soon):
Paramount Pictures and MTV Films announced today that they are set to develop a movie around mega-producer Les Grossman. The announcement comes on the heels of Grossman’s groundbreaking and visionary production of the soon-to-be Emmy® award-winning 2010 MTV Movie Awards Sunday night. Tom Cruise, along with Ben Stiller and Stuart Cornfeld of Red Hour Films will produce and have secured the life rights to Grossman.
Grossman, best known as a mega producer, has most recently mentored talents such as Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. In 2008, Grossman was introduced to the masses by Stiller in the comedy “Tropic Thunder” where the famed producer had a cameo playing himself.
Said Ben Stiller: “Les Grossman's life story is an inspiring tale of the classic human struggle to achieve greatness against all odds. He has assured me he plans to quote, ‘Fucking kill the shit out of this movie and make Citizen fucking Kane look like a piece of crap home movie by the time we are done.’ I am honored to be working with him.”
This is going to be like Austin Powers meets a hairy asshole. You couldn't get me to see this smelly taint of a movie even if you told me there was a reserved seat waiting for me. A reserved seat that was actually a nekkid Mah Boo Anderson Cooper squatting with Red Vines in one hand and Strawberry Hill in the other. Okay, I would, but I'd sit the other way.
Aisha Tyler needs to immediately report to the nurse's office and hand over a signed excuse from her parents for why she showed up to Logo's NewNowNext Awards last night with only a faint shadow of an eyebrow over her eye. I snatch that back. There is no excuse for this! I don't care if a dingo ate your Sharpie or if meth got your brows, you find a way to make that shit work!
And if Aisha is trying to make the whole "no brows" thing happen, then she needs to stop right now because it's a losing battle. Looking like "Mona Lisa working at a shake and bake meth lab in Barstow" will never be the look. I don't care what anyone says. Like Klymaxx and Pop Rocks gum, brows will always be relevant.
Here's a bunch of other bitches from last night who also should be ashamed of themselves! They let Aisha go in front of the camera like that. There's enough make-up amongst them to cover the faces of a million Xtinas, so they could've easily queefed out a brow for Aisha. These are the names you need to right down in the detention log: Baby Jesus, two free clinic rejects, Pee Weir Herman, Tatiana, Ongina, Mystique Summers, Kelly Osbourne, a Slim Jim in a dress, Kat Von D, and Niecy Nash.
So here's Lady Caca's video for the illegitimate song Ace of Base gave birth to and then stashed on Vadge's La Isla Bonita. It features a chorus of dancing Twinkie Moes, and it's almost 9 fucking minutes looooong! Think of all the things you can do with 9 minutes. You can eat a Zinger really slowly. You can paint all your nails with Wite-Out (while sniffing it). You can make tweezers out of a paper clip and clean up your brows.
But if you must spend 9-minutes of your precious day watching this, then here it is. And if you don't, but want to know the gist of it, then just picture me on the cement floor of my mother's garage staging a dance-off between my Evil Lyn action figure and my Jeff Andonuts toy while the Like A Prayer video plays on an old black and white TV in the corner.
It looks like Joe Jackson has got himself a new protegee, because Radar is saying that Gary Coleman's wife Shannon Price is already trying to make a quick dollar over her ex-husband's death. Some hos mourn by bawling into their pillow in a darkened room for 4 days straight, and some mourn by shaking their ass on the ho stroll and licking their lips at any john who drives by. Shannon's wrong ass falls in the latter category.
A source tells Radar that Shannon already stuffed a few bills into her feeding sack for the interview she gave the day after Gary died. But Shannon isn't stopping there and she's currently shopping around a second interview for $50,000. And the source says that for the right price Shannon is willing to give a video tour of the place where she busted Gary's head. I mean, where Gary accidentally busted his head.
With everybody throwing Shannon "Bitch You Didn't? Did You?" eyes, she should be laying low in her stable. That bitch should not be tap dancing on Gary's memory with a Styrofoam change cup in her hand.
And if you thought Shannon being thisclose to selling Gary's used chonies on the side of the road was bad, TMZ is saying that someone is trying to sell pictures of Arnold Drummond after he was taken off of life support. TMZ claims to have seen some of the pictures, which show Gary with his eyes closed and hooked up to a ventilation machine. The minion of Satan selling the pics wants low five figures. Even TMZ passed on buying the pictures, so you know that shit is serious.
Now, I'm not saying that Shannon has anything to do with this (yes, I am), but let's just say that I wouldn't be surprised if the pictures were covered with bits of sugar cubes and carrots. And now that I think about it, even Joe Jackson probably thinks this crazy bitch is too much.
The MTV Movie Awards (yes, they still shit out that shit) took us back to the 2008 tonight when Tommy Girl sashayed out as Len Grossman and proceeded to bust out some kind of Scientology dance ritual of seduction that makes Xenu rip his E.T. underoos off and shut the door to his mom's basement every time. See what I mean:
Seriously, it was just a regular Sunday night for Tommy Girl, because he drops these same moves every week. But usually he does it in the deepest part of his dungeon....while completely nekkid......and surrounded by lubed up dudes.....with a double-sided butt plug in his Scientolohole. It was nice of him to share though! That wasn't the most terrifying part of this mess though. That came when JLo blatantly tried to wig snatch Charo! Why does this bitch think she's the next Charo? Charo has more glamour and talent in one of her ass lips than JLo has in her whole life! The day JLo is hailed as the new Charo is the day all coochies die. Coochie coochie NO!
And if you ever find yourself in a Scientology audit, just tell them that watching this performance in its entirety is the worst thing you've ever done in your life.
Gary Coleman was supposed to be tucked into his coffin and gently laid to rest this weekend, so that he could finally get some peace without annoying bitches always tugging at his collar. But that is not going to happen. Gary's funeral in Utah has been canceled, because his estranged parents and his ex-wife Shannon Price are fighting over the custody of his body. Where is Mr. Drummond when you need him?
Gary's parents, Sue and William Coleman, are planning to file some kind of motion in court asking the powers that be to grant them their son's remains so that they can bury him in Zion, Ill, the city they live in. Their lawyer says that since Gary was divorced from Gummy McTeefs at the time of his death, they are the ones who should make the decisions regarding his final resting place. Their lawyer issued this statement:
"The Colemans don't want to fight with anyone. They just want to bring their son home. Mr. and Mrs. Coleman are Gary Coleman's surviving family. They're hoping that by applying for Formal Probate, they can get through this process the right way. The status of the divorce, whether or not anyone has a will, these are all issues that should be brought to the family's attention immediately. Formal Probate is the way we make sure it all gets handled properly."
But Shannon Price refuses to hand him over. Gary's agent said, "It's clear that Shannon is the one that Gary wants to represent him, as she did in the hospital. He didn't mention, at any time, his parents."
Before his death, Gary's parents didn't talk to his ass for years. And Shannon seems like she could give a dick. But suddenly, they are now fighting over him? Fuckery. If Gary was here, he'd throw an early model printer at a bitch or bite them in the knees.
As Gwen Stefani and her family left a restaurant in Malibu over the weekend, a fan stopped her ass to get a picture. Specifically, the fan wanted Gwen to pose with her toddler. Specifically specifically, her bawling toddler. Doesn't that mom know that toddlers only give a fuck about dancing plushies and/or singing lesbian woodland creatures.
I mean, that baby is crying as if Gwen Stefan is a giant Easter rabbit with a scary clown face. Yeah, that's a wonderful picture to post on your Facebook page. "Look, my baby met Gwen Stefani! And damn he hated her ass!" Actually, maybe that baby isn't crying because he's being held by a stranger. Maybe he's crying because his mother is taking a picture of him wearing Burberry cargo jammies. And we all weep.....
That's what Radar is saying anyways. They claim that Khloe Kardashian is the third pregnant dude in history, because she's expecting her first child with husband Lamar Odom. If this is true, this will be Lamar's third child. So that howling coming from Khloe's womb area wasn't just gas from the wart hog she attacked and fed on during the night. It's a baby (or an adorable cover of Life & Style as the Kardashian family calls it).
A source close to the family tells Radar that Khloe is around 2 months pregnant, “Khloe was inspired by Kourtney having a baby. Lamar is happy and ecstatic about having a baby with Khloe. Khloe is having cravings of fruit and ice cream. They’re really happy, but Lamar is a little weary of exposing his baby on TV. He already doesn’t like his life being played out for everyone to see eight months of the year.”
Lamar is new here right, because the Kardassians won't even take a shit unless a camera is between their legs.
And while I'm sure the baby sasquatches of the forest are pounding their little chest bones in excitement, the rest of us will suffer for the next few months hearing about every little single detail of Khloe's pregnancy. Because we need to know that she's craving otter blood and that her pregnancy farts smell like boiled bull hair and old brisket.