I Can't With You

Lawrence Taylor's attorneys will try to fight the 3rd degree rape charge against him by saying that he didn't do sex stuff with the 16-year-old girl in a motel room. Lawrence's attorneys will claim that he jacked his dick off in front of her, but never had sex with her. Lawrence is also giving the Kanye shrug at the condom found in the room. Lawrence says it didn't come from him.

I hope Lawrence's lawyers washed their hands after yanking that excuse out of his shitty ass.

A source close to the case tells TMZ that Lawrence isn't trying to deny that he was in the same motel room as the girl, but he is claiming that he didn't do with her like that. New York state law says that "a person is guilty of rape in the third degree when ... he or she engages in sexual intercourse with another person less than seventeen years old."

So Lawrence Taylor wants everyone to believe that he rolled out of bed, put on his chanklitas (you know he wears the rattan ones with socks) and drove down to a motel to pay $300 to polish his peen off in front of a prostitute he had no idea was under the age of 18? Yes, Lawrence, jack me off with 3 $100 bills, because I'm buying that excuse.

Somebody also needs to charge Lawrence with being a DUMB FUCK BITCH in the first degree (that's the exact legal term for it, by the way). Why would anybody pay money to fuck themselves when they can stay home and do it on Chat Roulette for free?

Ty Ty the Terrible will not stop until she has raped and pillaged every single industry on this planet. That is why she is releasing a book. And no, it's not called The Truly Tyra-ized Version Of The Tyra Banks Story About Tyra Banks As Told By Tyra Banks For Tyra Banks. It's worse.

Ty Ty is writing a young adult fantasy novel that is being described as Harry Potter meets America's Next Top Model. Ty Ty's fantasy book takes readers into a magical world where superhuman supermodels called "intoxibellas" learn to perfect their powers at an exclusive academy. Ty Ty seriously needs to switch to a less toxic brand of wig glue already.

Here's the press release from Ty Ty via People:

"It's my novel called Modelland (pronounced "Model Land") that takes you to a fantastical place you've never seen, or heard about, or read about before ... Where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye.

Modelland has always been a part of my mind and my heart. I'm excited that you'll be able to read about this magical world that's been living in my dreams for so many years."

Dear Zeus, please release the Kraken on Modelland:

Why bother reading Modelland when you can read Everybody Poops instead. It will leave you with the same taste in your mouth and it has less words. That's the same thing I tell my mom when she says she doesn't have the time to read Dlisted.

Have you always wanted to see Joaquin Phoenix get shat on while he slept? Or as Joel McHale would say, get a Spencer Pratt to the face while he twirled away in dreamland? Well, you've got luck in your pocket (and sickness in your brains), because word is that Joaquin's documentary features a scene where one of his arch rivals literally takes a shit on top of him. While a dookie on Joaquin's face doesn't sound like a pretty sight, anything is better than that hairy shit on his face.

The news went around last week that Casey Affleck, who directed that shit, is shopping the documentary I’m Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix around to buyers. The L.A. Times says that while some people are interested in buying Joaquin's shit party for one, most left the screening scratching their heads and not because his flea-ridden appearance gave them the itches.

Agents at William Morris Endeavor, the sellers of the Casey Affleck-directed film, have started showing the movie to potential distributors, and while some were apparently interested in bidding for “I’m Still Here’s” distribution rights, the shoppers left the screening perhaps even more mystified by Phoenix’s behavior than when they walked in.

Several buyers said the film overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he’s asleep.

Buyers still aren't sure if the movie is real or a hoax, so the caca on Joaquin could actually be ground beef from Taco Bell or one of Fishstick Paltrow's dishes from GOOP.

And tell your genitals to calm down, because I doubt the frontal nudity is anything to fap about. If the beard matches the pubes, then it probably just looks like an albino mole peeking through a dead shrub.

Xtina probably looked in the mirror today and saw Marilyn Monroe staring back at her. Some like it NO. That peroxide mop conjures up images of an Upper East Side widow whose dusty old wig is always crooked. You know that old ho. Her teeth have a permanent red lipstick skidmark on them, she's always wearing saggy pantyhose and she never picks up after her raggedy dog when it shits on the sidewalk. Ole' girl smells like Tosca powder, castor oil, ground up pills and cooking wine.

You know, since I put it THAT way maybe this really is the look. Carry on, Xtina.

In other non-news, here's Xtina performing the ho shit anthem of the summer on Oprah today. You might want to back your ears up, because girl is hollering like a hyena getting its asshole bleached with boric acid.

And more pictures of Xtina in NYC today. From the neck up she's a rich widow who doesn't give a fuck. From the neck down she looks like every Madonna era simultaneously heaved all over her. Actually, she looks like that from head to toe.

Mimi is continuing the tradition of naming her perfumes after baby prostitot street gangs. First came Luscious Pink and now she has announced that she will release her latest perfume LOLLIPOP BLING in June through Elizabeth Arden. You don't have to reach far into your memory to know that Mimi was inspired by the truly elegant diamond-encrusted candy ring her husboy gave her for their anniversary.

Noah Cyrus probably already pre-ordered boxes upon boxes of this butterfly urine. Lollipop Bling is going to smell like a sweet sweet mixture of munchkin loogies, Jolly Rancher soda, a drop of Johnny Weir's liquid glitter hole sweat, the secretions from a cougar's vagina, and a faint whisper of burnt Spanx. TJ Maxx better make room in the back of their stock room, because LOLLIPOP BLING is coming!

And I really hope that I'm still alive in 30 years to see what Mimi has become. Bitch is still going to be running around in pink terry cloth shorty shorts and rainbow halter tops. She's going to look like Jerri Blank. Well, if Jerri Blank got a ho-over from a gay unicorn.

via Rap-Up

Justin Lesbeaver tried to clear about that whole "I don't know what German means" thing by Tweeting that he thought the interviewer kept saying "Jewman." Justin read the dude's card and everything, but he's still sticking with the "Jewman" excuse.

I mean, Jewman?! Oy fucking vey. Is Bombshell McGee babysitting Justin on the weekends? Justin's nannies and wet nurses need to tell him to only answer questions with "goo goo" and "ga ga" from now on. Nothing else. Hell, maybe we should all only use the words "goo goo" and "ga ga." It would solve a lot of problems. Babies have the right idea.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to devour a giant slice of Jewman Chocolate Cake. Here's the clip in case you missed it the first time around:

via WOW Report

Remember when Joaquin Phoenix was running around looking like a dingle-ridden matted hairball found inside Brit Brit's weave? Remember when he went full Courtney Love on David Letterman? Remember when he tried to become the Vanilla Ice of Skid Row? Well, as many of you suspected, it was all a hoax! Probably. Maybe. I think.

Deadline Hollywood said that a mockumentary of Joaquin's insane hobo adventures is making the rounds to the studio. The mockumentary was shot by Joaquin's friend Casey Affleck. Deadline Hollywood says this:

ME is selling the film, and it may only take a couple of days to reach a deal. I hear the agency and the distributors intend to keep the mock's content under wraps for as long as they can for maximum shock value. (So it won't be part WME Global's sales push at the Cannes Film Festival.) Presumably, the film answers Hollywood's bewilderment about whether Joaquin was serious about quitting acting -- or whether he was just, well, acting.

You know, I expect this kind of trickery from "performance fartist" James Franco, but not Joaquin! How dare he toy with our emotions like this. Those of you who spent your hard-earned booze money on sending Joaquin a hot comb and lice shampoo should sue Joaquin! Not to mention all those sleepless nights you spent devouring whole cakes to deal with the stress of worrying about Joaquin's mental state. That fupa bulge in your pants is Joaquin's fault. SUE HIM!

And Lindsay Lohan should force Ali Lohan to carry around a camera so she can tell people that she's not really a delusional crackhead who would fuck a maggot for an 8-ball. She's just acting for a mockumentary!

If you're going to do yourself with a Donny Osmond poster, at least make sure you tape an exit string to it first! Damn. A kinky ass horny woman in Britain learned this lesson the hard way after a Donny Osmond poster got stuck in her chocha. Bitch is ALL cuntry. The case is featured on a BBC3 show called Bizarre ER.

The dumb bitch went to the hospital crying about a pain in her "private area." After conducting a series of tests, doctors found a rolled-up Donny Osmond poster chilling in there.

Okay, what kind of tests did they conduct? How big was the poster? How big is her vag? And why didn't she just romance her pussy with a tampon instead of a poster. Fucking yourself with a tampon is just like fucking Donny Osmond. I mean, turning your pussy into a poster tube is not a good look.

And I don't even want to know where doctors found her Marie Osmond doll.

via The Mirror

Lady Caca originally wrote "Telephone" for Our Lady of Cheetos, but she passed on it because her camp decided it would be weird for her to be singing about telephones when she can't even use one without getting written permission from her Daddy Spears first. Good move. But before Brit Brit call blocked "Telephone", she recorded a demo. Apparently, someone bought the demo for $750 from iLeaks. There's a little debate as to whether this real.

Even T-Pain is making the sign of the cross at this auto-tuned mess, so it could really be anyone. It could be Brit Brit, R2D2, a robot dog meowing into a fan, Lady Caca's peen while suffering from laryngitis or the dude on my computer who tells me when a file is "finished downloading." Probably the latter.

But the real story here is who in the hell paid $750 for THIS?! They could have bought Brit a priest to exorcise the beast on top of her head, a custom made Cheeto bra or a day supply of Frapps. Although, I should really go sit in the corner with the bitch who bought this, because I'm currently looking at a pair of autographed lucite heels from Shauna Sand that I got on eBay for the price of a round of cocktails. But in my defense, I had to buy those exquisite lucite heels since it's part of my religion.

Well, I guess I got the "mess" part right in the title. So...Stephen Baldwin, the burnt out weed bud of the Baldwin brothers, gave a long ass interview about RestoreStephenBaldwin.com, the website devoted to putting money into his checking account in the name of the lord.

Stephen didn't create the website himself, but he's throwing up his hands and praising it. This is what Stephen had to say when he was asked if he would actually accept your donations:

Yeah, I would accept it, but I want to just clarify. What's interesting is the initial motivation was this vision to see if Christians and people of that faith might agree with an idea and the vision that he had, and the larger vision is this thing called 'All Who Knew Him.' I'm just somebody that agreed to be the first recipient of that vision. I'll be honest with you, I wasn't sure whether or not this thing was going to get any attention or have any awareness. I don't even know how long it's been out there, but it sat around for a while initially. As the result of one blogger writing something pretty nasty, that's what kind of became the catalyst for the awareness that we see now. Interestingly enough, I don't have any numbers, but a significant response in regards to donations has been triggered as a result of that. So, in other words, somebody wrote something mean, and Christians said, "Whoa, wait a second, maybe that isn't such a bad idea."

Again, I have no control over any of it. I'm not looking at it like it's some business deal for me. I'm not involved, I don't want to be involved... it's a charitable situation and whatever God's going to do, God's going to do. If it turns out to be something that blesses me in a great way financially, then amen. I can tell you right now: If $20 to $50 million came in from the launch of this idea -- the idea being this 'All Who Knew Him' vision -- I think that would be a great opportunity to use those funds to do more and more charitable work. It could become something that once people go to the Web site and understand its true motivation is, I think the sky is the limit and that would be awesome. But the key there is that people need to go to the Web site and understand its true motivation. So many people are reacting to it without really understanding it.

If that's making you throw Stephen a "Come again?" look, then read the rest of the WTF interview at Popeater.

You know, if I put a $10 bill in Stephen's donation cup, I might see the light (no, I won't) and feel warmth in my veins. But if I put a $10 bill in a bartender's hand, I know for a fact I will see the light, feel warmth in my veins AND THEN SOME. So I'll go with the latter.