I Can't With You

Snooki, Snookers, Snookums... When is the little butterball pickle fucker going to learn? Radar says that while filming Jersey Shore in Miami yesterday, Snooks got into a TOTALLY STAGED fight with a dude who kept trying to get on her. The dude probably spends most of his nights in his mother's basement fapping to Oompa Loompa porn and he just wanted to live out his wildest fantasy. But Snooki didn't want to play along, so she finally threw a piece of food at his face after he didn't get the hint. And then she did the unthinkable, she threw a delicious cocktail at him. And he did the same back to her. ILLEGAL!

You don't ever EVER waste a drop of heaven's sweet nectar. It's a special gift the gods have given us. That's like punching an angel in its pussy bone. Piss in your palm and splash your enemy with that mess instead of wasting booze. Have some decency!

Even monkeys know that alcohol is for guzzling, not throwing. That's why they attack each other with their own caca nuggets. Although, in Snooki's defense most monkeys are smarter than her.

On the internet exists a 100% real website (we think) that is completely and utterly devoted to publicly restoring Stephen Baldwin's good name by taking donations from YOU. Sorry, Haiti, the star of Sharks in Venice needs our coins so that he can pay the lease on his Buick and his membership to TrannySurprise.com (you know that's in his favorites). It's in the name of God, after all.

The video looks like it was produced by the same bitches who put together that Scientology master(crazy)piece starring Tommy Girl. If the Trinity Network had their own True Hollywood Stories series, the trailer would look like this mess. Speaking of mess.....

The entire website will make you laugh with your fists and fart with your eyes. Example:

Q- Why doesn't his family help him?
A- His family does not perceive Stephen’s predicament as a matter of spiritual warfare. They see Stephen’s outspoken Christianity as poor choices therefore they will not help.

Q- What happened to his wealth?
A- When he became an outspoken Christian in 2002 his income went down by 70% when he refused roles with gratuitous sex and violence.

Q- If Stephen was not involved how did you get permission to do this?
A- Daniel Southern is Stephen’s spiritual advisor and the President of Stephen’s ministries. We contacted Daniel who gave us written permission to build the site.

The best part is that they are just asking for a small donation of $4.21! 421! The day after 420. This is fucking perfect since on 4/21 I usually feel parched, bloated and hungry for anything that's batter-based. And that's exactly how this website makes me feel.

And just because Stephen Baldwin is hard up for a job doesn't mean he's the modern day Job. You are not what you need.

via Videogum

This is my only comment:

Okay, okay, Bea Arthur rolled around with Peta while she was alive, so I'm sure she co-signs this ad (I think). I just needed an excuse to use that GIF.

P.S. - Doesn't Peta know that there isn't any real chicken in a McNugget?

via Gothamist

Since you might have already seen Coco's twat wax on Twitter, why not add another one to the overshare pile. Stick your fingers up your nostrils, because this one smells like microwaved brisket with notes of Hawaiian Breeze Glade. That's also what it smells like when your dignity catches on fire and burns to ash.

Jessica Simpson's assistant, CaCee Cobs, decided to share this picture with her Twitter audience of her boyfriend Donald Faison (of Clueless and Scrubs) releasing a prairie dog into the pond. Naked caca times is no longer sacred.

And this means that it won't be long before Ashton Kutcher Tweets a picture of his asshole getting bleach, or dumb fuck Scott Baio Tweets a picture of his equally dumb fuck wife trying to remove the "lesbian shitasses" from his back with a sandblaster dipped in holy water.

Anyways, here's Donald and CaCee leaving their hotel in NYC yesterday. Based on Donald's thumbs up, I'm guessing everything went well.

And I'm not referring to Peaches Geldof and Eli Roth. There's a good reason for why Eli Roth looks like a deer caught in a hairy no-no. The full picture from Cobrasnake (via ONTD) is after the jump. It's not safe for work or if you're eating something peanut butter-related. Cover your eyes, hold on to your partner's hand and JUMP!

Fuck the evil salesperson at Anchorblue who sold Pat "hookers and coke" O'Brien every single item from their "Mid-Life Crisis Collection" so that he could fit in with the "hip kids" at Coachella.

Bitch looks like SamRo down to the fiery pubic landing strip over his mouth. The cell phone strapped to his waistband is just the dehydrated cherry on this Viagra sundae. I bet he's wearing a cock ring too... WHY?!!!!?

This is some Lardass from Stand By Me shit! Meet 21-year-old Matthew Clemmens who was arrested after he projectile vomited all over an off-duty cop and his 11-year-old daughter at a Phillies game on Wednesday. It probably tasted better than the sauerkraut on their hot dogs. Sorry.

USA Today says the barf started brewing when Matthew's friend was kicked out of the stadium after Police Capt. Michael Vangelo complained to security about their drunktard ways which included cursing and spitting at people. When Matthew's friend was escorted out of the place, he retaliated by putting his tubby ass fingers down his throat and barfing all over Capt. Michael and his daughter. Capt. Michael said, "It was the most vile, disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I've seen the Mini-Me sex tape!" No, he didn't say that last part.

It gets barfier. When police arrived to arrest Matthew, he ralphed on another officer. In addition to attacking the officers with the insides of his stomach (which probably smelled like a house on Hoarders) Matthew also punched a couple of cops.

Matthew is currently in jail on charges including assault and harassment.

If I had a heart, I'd throw it out to that 11-year-old girl, because she is traumatized for life. She won't ever be able to watch Star Wars without interruptions again. Every time Jabba the Hutt comes on the screen, she'll scream while running for the nearest shower. Why oh why does Matthew have to look like Jabba with a wig on?

And there's some good news for Matthew. Once the other inmates hear why he's locked up, they will stay away from his mouth at all costs. Even jailed criminals don't like vom on the peen.

Nicolas Cage's checking account is currently as empty as a box of powdered donuts ten seconds after being visited by Kirstie Alley. Nicolas is losing his homes faster than a Real Housewife of Atlanta and he owes the IRS millions of dollars, yet he still went out and dropped his coins on a frivolous piece of tacky gift shop shit.

TMZ says that Nicolas recently had this 9-foot pyramid-shaped tomb built in a cemetery in New Orleans. This will be Nicolas' final resting place, but if he keeps it up he'll have to move in sooner rather than later. I'm not saying that Nicolas will die soon, I'm saying that he will literally have to move his entire family in there, because he'll have nowhere else to live. That will be good news for his dignity and common sense, because it probably gets lonesome in that tomb all by themselves.

Lindsay Lohan had only one important thing to do yesterday, and one thing only. Lindsay just had to show up for a scheduled deposition in the lawsuit against her that alleges she held three dudes hostage in her SUV back in 2007. But since Lindsay's lawyers weren't thinking ahead by leaving a trail of JD shots from the parking lot up to the office, so she never made it to the deposition.

TMZ says that Lindsay showed up 90-minutes late and didn't even get out of her car. Lindsay told the lawyers she only had a couple of hours, so they sent her ass away because they didn't want to bother if she couldn't stay all day.

Meanwhile, Michael Lohan is busy scratching up our retinas with his long-grain nipples instead of dragging "this child" (copyright: White Oprah) by the hair up to her deposition. Wait for Lindsay to diarrhea all over her Twitter about how she showed up late, because the paps secretly turned her clocks back a couple of hours to see her fail. Or how that bag of the bad shit in the pocket of her pants isn't hers. Oh wait, that's another excuse for another day.

Here's Lindsay looking bloated, bombed and barfy while shopping and lunching yesterday. I will say that I do like her "Ode to the early 90s" floral dress. All she needs is a matching headband, tights from Contempo Casuals and black suede scrunch boots held up by a rubber band.

Twitter is really going to be the death of us all. Since April 15th is already the worst day of the year, let's go out with a bang (to the genitals). Here's Michael Lohan showing off his overcooked, overplucked and overfucked body on Twitter.

Stick a Little Tree under your nostrils, because this picture reeks of Axe, 2-week-old cigarette butts found in the gutter, Pisco Sours, a burnt tampon, baby oil and taint cheese.

But seriously, you don't have to act like you wouldn't chew on his nipples even though they look like puss-filled butt pimples. On second thought, if you really feel that way maybe you should act like you wouldn't.....

Source: Michael Lohan's Twitter (which is a treasure trove of fuckery in itself) via ONTD