Do You Need A Moment?

I'd say you had a good night if you came stumbling out of a club with scratches on your arm, blood running down your leg, a gut full of coke bloat, sweaty strands of hair in your face and your scattered emotions switching from "I LOVE ALL Y'ALL!" to "FUCK ALL Y'ALL!" in the blink of a side-eye. But when I see Whitney Houston stumbling out Kelly Price's Grammy party looking like this, I don't need to see any receipts before I shake my head while cursing Ray-J's crooked dick for this. It seems as soon as Whit hopped on Ray-J's crooked dick for a second time, she got struck with the crackhead fever again. My feelings about all of this are best expressed through the sea of endless side-eyes around Whitney.

I don't know how I feel about it, but 2012 is turning out to be the year of leaky singers. No, I should think positive. Maybe that's not blood on Whitney's leg. Maybe that doody bubble finally popped. That's a trail of relief running down her leg.

UPDATE: I had to pull the pic down, but click here to see it and more.

In the battle to see which childhood star can look the meth-iest, Lindsay Lohan is still winning by a thousand meth faces, but Macauley Culkin is a close second. Entertainment Tonight got a hold of a few pictures of 31-year-old Kevin McCallister in NYC yesterday looking like Steve Buscemi trying to shape shift into a crackhead Gary Busey. Macauley's rep must be White Oprah, because they tell ET that he's in perfectly good health and there's no reason to start a prayer circle for him. What part of this picture says "perfectly good health" to you? I'm blaming all of this on that can of Red Bull and that Spencer Pratt-ish flesh pube beard. Somebody please get Macauley a razor and a can of Ensure.

via Yahoo (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

If you told me that this was really White Oprah trying to look like 25-year-old (in Stodden years, obviously) Lindsay Lohan with the help of a backwards discount wig named Crystal from Party City, bronzer (in shade: death diarrhea) mixed with bloody dirt from a crime scene and the make-up artist who did Pam's rotting skin on True Blood, I wouldn't call you a liar. This is LiLo at an amfAR gala in NYC last night, and I wouldn't be surprised if she once she strolled in looking like that, the organizers changed the event to benefit her instead of AIDS research, because DAMN. We can all update the saying "like death warmed over" to "like LiLo warmed over."

LiLo obviously doesn't have any friends, because a true friend wouldn't let her leave the motel room looking like Owen Wilson going to a Halloween party as a zombie Loretta Swit. Somebody needs to cover her with a fumigation tent and drag her to church for a long soak in a bowl of holy water right after they sit her down for a one-on-one intervention with Nancy Reagan. LiLo is a walking Just Say No campaign. I mean, those gaping nostril holes need a lap band around them, because bitch can snort a line from across the room.

When you're 25 and making Woody Allen look young, fresh and hot by comparison, it's time to get Jesus in your life. Shit, Scientology is the devil, but at this point I'd tell LiLo to get some Xenu in her life.

Connor Cruise, the 17-year-old son of Tommy Cruise and the sometime son of Nicole Kidman, has once again proven that old saying "the rotten apple doesn't fall from the insane fucking tree" right. Since Connor has a famous last name and can press play on an iTunes playlist, he DJs at fancy events now and DirecTV hired him to play songs at their pre-Super Bowl party on Saturday night in Indianapolis. Connor's ex-publicist, Todd Krim was also in Indianapolis for the Super Bowel and after the New England Tom Bradys (since he's obviously the only player on the team, Gis) lost against the Giants, Todd rubbed the loss into the Pats-loving skin of Connor Cruise by Tweeting this to him: “Sorry @TheConnorCruise maybe next year!!!”

Just like his daddy, Connor has the sense of humor of one of Xenu's wet dingles and so he freaked out at Todd in an e-mail response to him. Never fuck with your former publicist, because they will pass that e-mail to Page Six:

That was a gay ass [bleeping] tweet . . . U don’t say [bleep] like that about my team the second they lose. Low.”

Todd wrote back and said he was joking, to which Connor responded with: “That was [bleeped] and Idgaf!" Todd told Page Six that he was offended by Connor's rant and that he wasn't expecting that kind of response after everything he's done for him. Connor then jumped on the back of his rep's Big Wheel and back pedaled all the way back with this statement to P6:

"What I texted was unacceptable. It is not a reflection of who I am and what I feel, and it certainly won’t happen again.”

It's no surprise that Connor is redefining "spoiled," but is it really that serious? It's just a football game (insert a horse kick from Gisele Bundchen to my ass bone here). Connor should take his frustrations out by jumping on Oprah's couch or by calling Matt Lauer glib. There's no need to go [bleep]ing crazy on an adult over a stupid joke. That dumb joke wasn't low at all. Low is being a part of a church that won't let your Auntie John Travolta proudly lick on the Dominican peen he loves so much in public. That's low.

And what's with that "gay ass [bleeing] Tweet" shit? Let me fix that for you, Connor: "That was a MY FATHER ass [bleeping] tweet." There, that's a little better.

As Gisele Bundchen did the walk of sadness through the stadium after her husband Tom Brady lost out on his tenth million Super Bowl ring and a bonus that was going to pay for a water slide in his $20 million mansion (Tom Brady is not weeee-ing today. Sadface.gif.), some Giants fans heckled her ass by saying that Eli Manning owned her husband. Instead of telling her haters that Tom gets to go home and dry his losing tears on the chichis of a Brazilian supermodel, she complained to her friends that the blame goes to her husband's teammates. The Insider (via Hollywood Life) posted the video that I'm sure is going to convince the owners of the Patriots to fire all the coaches and hire Gis instead! This is the subtle stream of bitchery that slipped out of Gis' mouth:

"My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times."

Somebody told me that since Tom has been with Gis, he's been 0-2 and he was on some kind of winning streak before that. So GINXELLE needs to blame herself. No, no, Gis really needs to blame God for this. Gis used the Catholic prayer tool known as the chain mail to get God on Team Pats and she was shut down. So Eli Manning didn't own Tom Brady, God did when he hit the "return to sender" button on all those prayers.

For a while there, it seemed like Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry both let their crazy go dormant and slid to their corners to cool their raging assholes by feeding it a Valium enema and a marijuana suppository. But you can't keep the crazy down for long. Halle Berry will show up in a court in L.A. today to ask a judge to take away all of Gabriel Aubry's visitation rights until Child Services finishes investigating him for putting their 3-year-old daughter Nahla in danger by allegedly shoving at the nanny.

TMZ reported last night that Nahla's nanny, Alliance Kamdem (ALLIANCE!!!), filed a police report after she claims Gabriel pushed her while his daughter was in her arms. Alliance says that earlier in the day, she went to pick up Nahla from school and was told that the kid didn't go. When Alliance went to Gabriel's condo, she picked up Nahla before asking Gabriel why Nahla didn't go to school. That question summoned Gabriel's crazy and he responded by screaming "You're the fucking nanny. Who do you think you are? You are a nobody. You don't need to fucking know anything!" at Alliance. These Hollywood dudes. If they're not fucking the nanny, they're screaming fuck words at the nanny. Gabriel then shoved Alliance into the door while Nahla was still in her arms.

Alliance apparently suffered an injury and when she was questioned by the police, she told them that Gabriel is a tall drink of asshole and regularly curses at her in front of Nahla, making the kid cry. When Gabriel isn't throwing racial slurs at Alliance, he's making her sit in a corner in his condo until he's ready to deal with her.

As well as Child Services looking at Gabriel, the LAPD also opened up a criminal battery and child endangerment investigation against him.

Yes, there are two sides to every story and both of these sides are absolutely fucking ass crazy. Do I believe that Gabriel rages at the nanny? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Halle Berry has got the nanny in her pocket and is using her to fuck with Gabriel? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Nahla is going to emancipate herself as soon as she knows what that is and will quickly enter the Berry Aubry Protection Program? ¡Sí! But more importantly, do I believe that Alliance Kamdem is the hottest name for a nanny I've ever heard? ¡Síiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Heather Locklear may or may not be in rehab right now after swallowing a death cocktail of various pills & booze, and Star Magazine says she slipped into a whirlpool of woe because of a fight she had with her ex-fiance Jack Wagner. File this under: Why didn't these hos save the fighting shit for the Melrose Place reunion in 10 years?

A few days before Heather's overdose, she brawled with Jack on the driveway of her house in Sherman Oaks. Jack showed up to get a few things he left at her house and they immediately started arguing. Jack said some stuff about her family, Heather said some stuff about his family and all that led to him pushing her. Amanda Woodward is never the one, so she knocked him to the ground by punching him in the face. Before the cops arrived, Heather snatched up Jack's dog, threw it into the car and drove away from the scene. And this is where a thick layer of confusion swept over me, because Star then says that Heather did talk to the cops and told them she didn't want to press charges.

Locklear quickly fled, but not before grabbing Jack's dog and putting it in the car.

According to Star's source, the drama didn't end there. The police arrived and after speaking to them both they realized the gash across Wagner's face was caused in self defense. "Heather didn't want to press charges, so she left."

So Jack showed up to Heather's house, they got into a fight, he pushed her, she punched him, she dognapped his dog, the police came a runnin', she came back, she said she didn't want to press charges, Jack didn't say anything even though he got punched in the face and then she left again? Let me guess, the name of Star's source rhymes with Feather Cocklear and they left out all the drunk burps she made while telling them her side of this mess.

Heather, slowly move your lips away from the bottle and hand it to me. I can drunkenly write incoherent gibberish for the both of us.

Someone who doesn't know my ass very well asked me who I thought was the best dressed last night and and my answer was and will always be: WHO CARES! Picking out a pretty dress is easy! It's so easy a MiserAlba can do it. The men and women who really deserves some attention (and heavy amounts of extra chunky shade) are the ones who rolled into a truly busted outfit and bravely smiled through the fugness in front of all the cameras. Because it takes a lot of work to look that fucked up and we should give them the recognition they deserve. So here's my favorite messes from last night in no particular order.

Piper Perabo - The car cover for my mom's old Buick got a second chance at life when Piper used it to make a ball gown that Cinderella would've worn if her Fairy Godmother was a pervert who just wanted to see her nipples. If you were walking through the woods and heard the voice of crazy calling at you from above, and you looked up to find a nekkid ass Sharon Stone caught in a parachute stuck in the trees, she would look just like Piper Perabo. Piper's dress told me that yes, she does acid. And Piper's curious poses told me that yes, she does acid AND Ecstasy.

Melanie Griffith - Okay, Melanie's dress was totally normal, but the scene she gave on the red carpet was a totally different story. The way Antonio Banderas held her up and dragged her across the carpet... The way she kept those sunglasses on.... I really thought it was a Weekend at Bernie's situation until I realized that Melanie probably got a quick glance at Piper's posing and was knocked back by the DRAMA!

Zooey Deschanel - I shouldn't look at the top of a dress and think that my dog's idea of heaven would be scooting across it. AstroTurf for your titties is not the look.

Sarah Michelle Gellar - The worst ad for MiO Water EVER! I'm not sure I wanted to know what it would look like if I was swimming at the bottom of a pond in Smurf Village and looked up just as all the Smurfs started to piss into the water. That being said, I want that dress as my next screensaver.

Lea Michele - We're living in a world where Lea Michele is Beyonce in her own head and we're also living in a world where nobody told her that she looked like a mermaid linebacker from Chernobyl.

Amanda Peet - The good news is that her 1-year-old daughter now has a cribskirt for almost every day of the week.

Jessica Chastain - I KNOW! I can already hear it. Everybody thought Jessica Chastain was the epitome of perfection and is what would grace your eyes if you looked at an angel's pearl necklace under a microscope. But I just looked at Jessica Chastain and saw a really bad Swoosie Kurtz circa 1989 impersonation.

I will say, though, that Jessica is someone you want in her life. When Giuliana Rancic was interviewing Jessica on E!, she loved everything. Jessica said she LOVED Giuliana, was such a fan and has also been dreaming of coming to the Golden Globes ever since she was a little girl. Yes, Jessica is one of those people who loves everything. So she's definitely the person you want to tell when you've just found out you have Gonorrhea. You'd be like, "Jessica, I just got back from the doctor and he told me that being a bareback slut finally caught up with me and I have Gonorrhea now." Jessica would keep a smile on her face and be like, "Gonorrhea?! That's my favorite STD! I love gonorrhea! I'm a huge fan. I'm so happy for you!"

Thomas Jane - I did not know that Knott's Berry Farm let you keep the costumes after you take a picture at one of their old timey photo shops.

Lana Del Rey's album isn't even out yet until later this month, but hos started throwing cold mounds of shit at her months ago when they accused her ass of being as fake as the collagen noodles on her mouth. The Lana haters say that her record label changed her name from Lizzy Grant, uploaded a new musical style into her brain, plumped up her lips with a bike pump and transformed her into some kind of Nancy Sinatra-like indie wonder. And last night, they really tried to make Lana Del Rey happen by pushing her out on Saturday Night Live's stage when they really should've pushed her into an emergency room for a Red Bull injection, because she looked like she was going to fall into a coma mid-hair flip. If this was an episode of Dance Moms, Abby Lee would say that Lana didn't even earn a place on the sand under her pyramid. The whole thing was a new kind of bizarre.

Lana sounded like a Japanese person trying to sing in English with a German accent. I'm sure that what came out of her mouth is not unlike the sounds that come out of a walrus's mouth when it's doing high school theater vocal exercises. The passport of Lana's voice filled up last night, because it was all over the place. (GONG me in the face for that one. I deserve it.) The way she moved too. Lord. It was like someone threatened to shoot all of her loved ones if she didn't give the performance of her life and she doesn't really love her loved ones, but doesn't want them to know that, so she just Meh-ed her way through it. Nerves due to inexperience are a helluva drug.

With all that being blogged, I LOVED EVERY PAINFUL MINUTE OF IT! It was like watching an overly sedated 8-year-old girl do a Jennifer North from Valley of the Dolls impersonation. Sedated camp at its finest!

Click here and here if you can't watch the videos above.

If "doing the horizontal Dougie on Doogie Howser" is an item high on your cum bucket list, then let this clip from The Price Is Right teach you how to cross that shit off the quickest way possible. Somehow get on The Price Is Right, freebase a whole can of Amp to give you that "hyena getting struck by lightning" feeling and when Neil Patrick Harris walks out, immediately dry hump him until security pries you off with an electric spatula. You will probably walk away with a prize package consisting of a restraining order and a permanent block on Facebook from NPH, but the memory of watching his face contort into a state of sheer fear as you sexually assault him in public will last forever.