Do You Need A Moment?

TMZ says that this picture was taken outside of the Jackson family compound in Calabasas, CA and shows Janet Jackson screaming some shit at Jermaine Jackson after the cops showed up to the house. If you put your ear to that picture, you can almost hear Janet screaming, "No, my first name ain't Baby. It's Janet!"

The L.A. County Sheriff's department showed up to the house yesterday, because one unnamed Jackson accused another unnamed Jackson of whoopin' their ass. Oh, it was probably just Killer Joe Jackson whipping another Jackson in the mouth with his belt for not passing the remote control fast enough... or for looking at him funny... or for not having his money on time... or for speaking without permission...or for being one of his kids. You know how Joe is. TMZ doesn't say which Jacksons were involved, but the fight could've been because of the Jackson family's latest messy situation.

Janet, Jermaine, Randy and two other Jackson kids are trying to unseat the current executors of Michael Jackson's estate. They sent a letter asking the executors to kindly suck on a cold asshole as they exit stage left. Michael Jackson didn't even leave his brothers and sisters a drop of Jesus Juice in his will, so some say they're trying to get their claws on that money. One of Radar's sources said this:

"Katherine is currently in Arizona with Rebbie and is being pressured by Randy and Jermaine to go public with her dissatisfaction with the executors of Michael's estate. Remember, Michael intentionally left all of his siblings out of his will, and that absolutely infuriates Jermaine and Randy who are both desperate for cash.

Katherine actually dropped her contesting of the will at the behest of these same children who got her to fire Burt Levitch, a lawyer who was challenging the will, and hire Adam Streisand, a lawyer who immediately withdrew the objections and let all time delays run. These are the very same kids, along with Janet, who signed a letter recently criticizing advisors and her current counsel, Perry Sanders, for NOT challenging the will. They themselves were responsible for dropping the prior challenge and letting crucial deadlines run long before Sanders was hired. Not only do they refuse to take responsibility for having the initial challenge dropped, they now want to rewrite history and act as if someone new is causing the problem. However, the children are in her ear 24/7, so it's possible that they could be successful in influencing Katherine to do something.

The siblings' motivation for this very public battle with the executors is all about money, that is all. They are determined to do whatever it takes to try and gain access to the money."

This is the reason why Katherine Jackson is hiding out in Arizona, and the executors of MJ's estate believe the kids moved her there to brainwash her against them. It gets even MORE dramatic and I swear it's like Oliver Stone is directing the latest Jackson family disaster.

Katherine Jackson's lawyer issued a statement to TMZ this morning claiming that for the past 3 years, several of her kids have been concocting a "diabolical plan" (cut to Detective La Toya raising her monocle to her eye) to push her and her grandchildren out of their Calabasas mansion. The statement is long and it's best if you read it in the mysterious yet soothing voice of Keith Morrison.

"Yesterday afternoon certain Jackson family members ambushed Katherine Jackson’s home after their vehicle tore through security gates on the tails of the SUV containing Michael Jackson’s children. After exiting their vehicles, Jackson family members ran up to Michael’s children as they yelled and began to aggressively grab at the cell phones in their hands. Out of concern for the well being of Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson, the children were forced to temporarily leave their home and taken to a safe location. An altercation ensued shortly thereafter and law enforcement arrived at the scene.

Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson have not heard from their grandmother since she left their home nine days ago to attend a series of her sons’ concerts on their Unity Tour. She never made the shows. Despite efforts to interview Katherine Jackson at her current location in Arizona yesterday, Los Angeles County Sheriffs confirmed that they were denied access to Mrs. Jackson by security for one of her children. We are acutely concerned about the welfare of Mrs. Jackson, and most particularly with Michael's minor children.

We are concerned that we do what we can to protect them from undue influences, bullying, greed, and other unfortunate circumstances. While we do not have standing to directly intervene, we have monitored the situation and will continue to do so. We believe measures are being put in place that will help protect them from what they are having to deal with."

And here's some video from GMA this morning of Janet and Jermaine Randy getting crazy at the house:

Crashing through gates? Snatching cell phones from children? Isn't that a mission on Grand Theft Auto: Calabasas? Why are these bitches so crazy? Why are these bitches so dramatic? Don't get me wrong, I love a bitch who can concoct a good diabolical plan, but if Randy and Jermaine spent as much time on actually working as they have on concocting diabolical plans, their careers might not be floating on a lake of toilet water. Is it really that serious? Can't they just stop the crazy, join hands and sing Heal the World together?

Seriously, Snuggie Jackson deserves better than this.

On CNN last night, viewers watched what happens when an angry midget monkey and a smug, soft dick in a suit start talking about MURDER! Robert Blake was on Piers Morgan to whore out his memoirs where he writes about Our Gang, Baretta and other things, and it seems like Piers just wanted to talk about those other things including his wife's murder. Robert was found not guilty of Bonnie Lee Bakley's murder, but was found liable in a civil suit. I don't know if Robert murdered his wife, but if he did and got away with it, he should probably keep his tiny turtle lips shut and just fake cry uncontrollably anytime somebody brings it up. But on last night's show, Robert didn't keep his lips shut up about it and when after a bitch.

In the clip above, Robert's ass lips start to boil when he thinks Piers is accusing him of being a teller of lies and said, "I've never allowed anyone to ask me the questions you're asking." Robert tells Piers that he chose him for the interview, because he trusted him and Robert assumed Piers would trust him. Robert then said the line I'm going to use every time I want to change the subject with a bitch: "Then we better start talking about The Little Rascals."

In the clip below, Piers keeps pressing into the murder of Bonnie Lee Bakley and Robert sits there with his arms crossed like a cunty toddler sitting in a full diaper As Piers tries to dig deeper into his wife's murder, Robert puts his hand on Piers' shovel and says that the case is boring and irrelevant. Robert says that his wife's death isn't the most significant part of his life. It's like watching an elderly chihuahua growl at an empty douche bottle.

I couldn't find a clip of it, but later on in the interview, Robert calls Piers "Charlie Potatoes" (definition: a bitch who thinks he's hot shit) and keeps calling him Charlie for the rest of the night. Robert later said that Bonnie was a con artist and she was most likely murdered by someone she fucked over in the past.

The whole interview can be summed up in 2 words: U MAD?

I love that asshole Piers kept poking a trick. I love that asshole Robert poked back. And I really love that Robert looked like Elmer Fudd going to a gay cowboy bar. I really hope that when Piers sat his desk this morning, he found a gift basket from Robert full of a Little Rascals DVD, a butt dildo shaped like a middle finger and documents for Piers to legally change his name to Charlie Potatoes.

Alec Baldwin couldn't let another week go by without shoving the fear into a paparazzo and so outside of this apartment in Manhattan this morning, he proved to all of us once again that he should've played the grizzly in The Edge. TMZ says that the pap Alec went after has apparently been bothering the residents in his building. Since Alec is a protector of his own turf and loves a good reason to rage until the veins on his ass lips pop open, he squeezed the pap's arm while spitting out words of sweet love like "I want you to shut the fuck up" and "I know you got raped by a priest."

No word yet if the pap plans to file a police report, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we find out that Alec squeezed his left arm so hard it that it cuff off his circulation and he had to get that arm amputated. His lawyer Gloria Allred will tell us all about it during a press conference next week. So if you're a pap who needs some quick summer money and don't mind a tidal wave of hot Alec Baldwin saliva on your face: then just shove a camera at him and speed dial Gloria Allred's number as he chokes out your arm. INSTACASH!

Here's the video (via The Superficial) of Alec being Alec:

This is some serious comedy art at its finest. Alec calls the pap a "little girl" while holding a pink unicorn pillow pet. Alec might be an asshole, but he's a genius asshole.

If you're a pair of butt lips and every day the blood in your veins boils until the follicles you were trying to grow burn off, then there's a good chance you belong to Alec Baldwin. Because not a day goes by when Alec Baldwin doesn't RAAAAAGE the dye off his hair strands. Case in point: This morning in Manhattan, Alec Baldwin HULKED out at two photographers from the NYDN for taking pictures of him and his 28-year-old yoga instructor fiancee Hilaria Thomas coming out the Marriage License Bureau after getting their marriage license. Getting a marriage license with your piece is supposed to cover both of you with a swan fart of love, but Alec popped that bubble when he went after one of the paps.

One of the photographers, Marcus Santos, said Alec kept screaming at them to get back. Marcos claims they stepped back, but Alec kept coming at them. Alec grabbed the other photographer and when Marcos tried to defend his paparazzi partner, the rage came at him. Marcos says that Alec punched him in the chin and pushed him. Marcos filed a police report and the NYPD has opened up an investigation. Meanwhile, Alec jumped on Twitter and claims that the pap is lying. Alec denies throwing punches and says he was the one who got hit with a camera. Oh, and Alec also went there by bringing Trayvon Martin into it.

A "photographer" almost hit me in the face with his camera this morning. #allpaparazzishouldbewaterboarded

I suppose if the offending paparazzi was wearing a hoodie and I shot him, it would all blow over...

The photographer who assaulted me has (belatedly) gone to a hospital claiming injuries. Colin Myler and his NOTW scams come to NY...

Ppl who work in the entertainment industry keep appts w the press on a regular basis. Paparazzi assaulting you on the street duznt count.

There has to be more to this. Just look at the rage in Alec's face in that picture. It's like Marcus just beat him at a game of Words with Friends with the word "ventriloquizing." Shit, I bet that's what really happened.

When I first read that in Lee Daniels' newest cinematic mess The Paperboy, Nicole Kidman squats a piss out on Zac Efron's chest after he gets stung by a jellyfish, I said that the Academy needs to engrave "Nicole Kidman's Piss Stream" on a statue right now. Because that golden shower deserves the gold! Well, crazy ass Michelle Rodriguez saw The Paperboy at Cannes and she disagrees with my ass. MRod told Vulture that Nicole isn't going to win an Oscar for taking a #1 on Zac's lip gloss-covered nipples, because she's not black.

"I fucking loved it. One of my friends said, 'She’s going to get nominated for an Oscar for that.' I was like, 'Nah, man. She’s not black!' I laugh, but it’s also very sad. It makes me want to cry. But I really believe. You have to be trashy and black to get nominated. You can’t just be trashy."

The hell? Nicole Kidman won an Oscar and it wasn't for playing a character that wasn't black or trashy. Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer were both nominated this year and their characters weren't trashy. I think MRod is saying that in Lee Daniels' Precious, Mo'Nique played trash and won an Oscar for it. So if you want to be nominated for an Oscar for acting in a Lee Daniels movie, you better hope your character is black and trashy. I don't know! Reading a quote from Michelle Rodriguez is like trying to have a conversation with a heat-stricken surfer on peyote while you're high on meth. I'm not on the right kind of drug to fully understand what that crazy bitch is saying.

And now I have the image of Mo'Nique pissing on Zac Efron. Oh, MRod, the things you do to my brain.

So, I used to have this boyfriend who liked to call me "kitten" ("Does anybody know where I can find a vampire to glamour that thought from the storage unit in my brain?" - you) as a joke and one time I was playing my voicemails on speakerphone in the break room of my job. Just as my boyfriend said "Hi kitten, it's me," my supervisor strolls in and says something like, "I know you're not a 4-year-old white girl and I know that's not your father. That voicemail is completely inappropriate and nobody other than you needs to hear that. Shit, I don't even know if you need to hear it." She had a point. That's sort of how I feel about this video message one of Brit Brit's owners, Jason Trawick, uploaded for the whole world to see.

It's supposed to be sweet, but to me it looks like a cross between a death bed goodbye video and a hostage situation video. Either dude got into Brit Brit's pill stash or he's bleeding from the butt and slowly falling into a coma while recording this mess. Even his tongue sounds drugged up. I mean, that lisp....

via NYDN

Back in 2010, some of us developed an addiction to shoving Valium pills into our ears from listening to Mel Gibson pop his anus veins by screaming all kinds of beautiful romantic love lyrics at Oksana Grigorieva. Well, lube up your ear holes and grab a Valium, because Mel is raging again.

Joe Eszterhas, the screenwriter of the masterpiece that is Showgirls who wrote an open letter about how Mel Gibson is still Mel Gibson, gave The Wrap a recording of the glum cunt ranting so hard that he grew a hemorrhoid that eventually popped as he ranted some more. Joe was at Mel's house to work on the script for that movie about the Jewish Hero and Mel delivered one of his signature freakouts. Joe's son recorded some of it.

It's not like Joe should be surprised. If you're a guest at Mel Gibson's house, you should know that instead of turndown service and a chocolate on your pillow, you're going to get a kick to the soul and punch to the ears. If you don't need Mel's voice in your ears today, I've accurately transcribed his rant below:

"GAAARGAAARGAAARGRRRRRR WHY DONT I HAVE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE MACCABEES GAAAARRRR GRRRRGAAARGRRAAA WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING GGRRRRAAA GRRAAAGRR COCKSUCKER WHORE GRRRRRRGAAAARRR GRRRR WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO EAT GO HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT HURRRRRR AAAAAH GRRRR FUCKING CUNT COCKSUCKER WHORE AAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

That is totally what it sounds like when Herman Munster is trying to push out a hard shit. You know you've listened to too many Mad Mel rants when the only question you have is: I wonder what they were eating? I bet it was latkes. It was totally latkes.

To commemorate the one week anniversary of her DUI and the three week anniversary of getting pulled over for talking and driving, Amanda Bynes drove her own ass to Chateau Marmont and Greystone Manor to party with her friends. The paps caught Amanda texting behind the wheel before she ran up over the curb while trying to park. Who knows if Amanda's tongue even touched booze last night, but I find from personal experience when I'm standing in the middle of a club surrounded by sweaty hos thinking they're the shit, the only thing I want to do is eat an entire bottle of Jack. Instead of texting, Amanda needs to use her iPhone to look up the synopsis for Crack & Me: The Lindsay Lohan Story, because she's obviously involuntarily remaking that shit and doesn't know what happens next.

When are these bitches going to learn that driving Billy Joel-style is no way to drive through life? Isn't driving drunk really hard, anyway? Why would you want to ruin your buzz by trying to focus on not sending yourself or others to Jesus? That seems really stressful. Just do what all smart-thinking sluts do. Either find a sober trick to go home with or drag yourself to the nearest Denny's and face plant right into a stack of pancakes until you're good enough to drive. What L.A. really needs, besides a Piggly Wiggly (I will so move back if L.A. gets a Piggly Wiggly), is a Save a Ho car service complete with an open bar in the back. Oh, the Save a Ho car service should also have a foot surgeon in its backseat, because Amanda's hooves like they are one OW away from quitting her ankles.

That tall serving of Greek Yogurt in a nest of luscious curls in the clip above is Dimitri Charalambopoulos, the boyfriend of silicone dragon flower and gold digging hero Camille Grammar. Dimitri Charalambopoulos (try saying that three times without casting a spell or warding off a demon) is currently in the middle of some Halle Berry-approved like custody drama with the girlfriend of his five year old son Marcus. Marcus' mom Lisa wants to take him to Colorado to live and Dimitri is against it, and so they all have to go to court to work this mess out.

During a taped deposition, Lisa's lawyers played a voicemail that Camille left her. This goes out to those of you who you who missed seeing Camille's signature crazy come out during season 2 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Camille's rant starts at around the 1:50 mark in the clip above and it's below in reading form if your eyes can't take the sight of Dimitri finger curling his hair like a Southern ingenue. via Radar:

"If you go to the press, I have lawyers that are beyond what you can imagine and they will pull stuff on you and you will be so mortified about your life and your family and what you have done. You don't want to do that to Marcus. I will desecrate you, believe me, and that I can do, so be careful what you say and what you do because my defamation attorneys are huge..they will hunt down and research every nook and cranny of your life."

Lisa better raise the white flag and drop her weapons, because Camille doesn't mess around and she was a Club MTV dancer. Camille will do The Running Man all over Lisa's character, then she'll do the Cabbage Patch through every nook and cranny of Lisa's life, and just when Lisa thinks she can get away with some of her reputation still intact, Camille will drop The Sprinkler on her! No, I have no idea what I just typed out, but if it made you do the Electric Slide in your office chair, then I've done my job.

I know, I know, Camille probably meant to say "decimate," but do you want her brain filled with useless information like the true definition of words or do you want it filled with the steps for some sweet sweet moves. Or maybe Camille didn't mean "decimate" at all. Maybe she meant "defecate." I mean, she does have IBS....

What more could a Tommy Girl want? Tommy's got a French man face nuzzling up against him and his eyes are sending tingles down to his Scientolohole, because he has fallen in love with that Oscar statue. If you put your ear to Tommy's head as he stared at Oscar, you would hear Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" blasting in there. The places Tommy wants to take that gold-plated tube of fun (fart if you need a clue).

Thomas Langmann, who won that Best Picture Oscar for producing The Artist, better have kept his hands on that trophy the same way I kept my mouth over my vaporizer to get through last night's show. Because if he left Oscar by itself for a quick minute, Tommy Girl would've un-velcroed the secret "easy access" flap on the ass of his pants and made it disappear by sitting on it. Tommy's no-no would've sucked the gold right off of that thing and left Thomas with nothing but a grey shell of a trophy that smells like a bath house floor. So it's a good thing Thomas didn't let go. Actually, I take that back. Thomas should've given Tommy that Oscar, because it's wrong to deny someone of true love.

Here's more of Tommy with peen on the brain (no, seriously, that forehead looks like the imprint of a peen lying on his brain) at the Oscars and later at the Vanity Fair party with Stepford Katie. Katie looked like shit. Was she serious with those clip-on bangs and that polyester hair tail from Sally's. Who does she think she is, Ambular from Clueless? Whatever.