Michael Douglas

How does one greet the new Commander of the Order of the British Empire (whatever that is)? Do you get on the ground and salute with your nalgas ala Entrapment? Do you graciously bow down while saying under your breath, "The pleasure is mine, me lady...who isn't a minute over 41 and has never lied about her born year..."? Do you throw her a rose made of Botox vials? One thing I know you don't do is punch her in the face. And that's exactly what a paparazzo allegedly did to CJZ as she arrived at her hotel in London after being named the CBE.

In the video above from Entertainment Tonight, CZJ and Michael Douglas walk through a storm of camera flashes and once she gets to the front door of her hotel, she starts hollerin' out, "HE PUNCHED ME! HE PUNCHED ME! I WANT THE POLICE!" Who needs the bobbies when you've got Gordon Fucking Gecko?

If Michael Douglas was a band, his name would be Frail No More (GONG me and I'll call the bobbies), because he threw himself into the army of paps and puffed his nipples at the mofo who dropped a dose of disrespect on his wife.

The police were never called and CZJ's rep only said, "You saw it for yourself." But we really doesn't... You never actually see a pap's fist go into her face, but I'm going to choose to believe her. CZJ would never tell a lie (cut to her birth certificate laughing). I mean, who do we believe? A pap or THIS WOMAN:

Right? A glamour puss in a gold lamé catsuit deserves everyone's respect and trust!

Never mind that Justin Bieber stole his 3D glasses from a candy raver circa 1997, it's a little bizarre that his magical locks made from the dreams of solid gold unicorns look positively bland next to St. Angie Jolie's high halo. Yes, that's a halo (or maybe Brad Pitt is crouching behind her with a spotlight held over his head). Angie is probably so confused when she posed for this picture at the Golden Globes. She doesn't know whether she wants to adopt him or date him.

Eat your vag out, Jenny Shimizu, because it looks like Angie's got a new lezzie of choice!

And meeting Bieber wasn't the only magical event Angie took part in that night. There was also this:

Leave it to Michael Douglas to part the emerald sea with his photobomb. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Angie are trying to out-beauty one another, but little do they know that Michael Douglas took this one.

The National Enquirer had Michael Douglas booking a one-way ticket to heaven through Travelocity, but he tells Matt Lauer in an interview airing tomorrow morning on Today that Jesus is going to have to find another angel to play Gordon Gekko in their cloud production of Wall Street, because he won't be checking in anytime soon. After going through chemo and radiation treatment, Michael says there's no trace of the tumor in his froat and he's on his way to a full recovery.

Michael tells Matt, "I feel good, relieved. The tumor is gone. But, you know, I have to check out on a monthly basis now to maintain. I think the odds are with the tumor gone and what I know about this particular type of cancer [is] that I've got it beat. I have to check out on a monthly basis now to maintain. I guess there's not a total euphoria. I'll probably take a couple of months of getting checked out. But it's been a wild six-month ride. All of a sudden the affection from my family, from my friends, and from my fans hit me at a much deeper level than I would have ever imagined before. And it gave me a really new appreciation of just how valuable, how precious good friends are and family. And it's not that I disregarded them before but there's a much deeper feeling."

Michael's now eating like he's got a Kirstie Alley in his stomach and says he's put about 12 pounds of chunk on his body and he's got 20 more to go.

And I thought finding a half-eaten, old bag of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies in my freezer today was good news. But finding out that Michael Douglas will soon be well enough to star in ANOTHER Romancing the Stone movie is even better news.

via People

Nevermind Catherine Zeta-Jones dressed like she just got back from an Eat, Pray Love-inspired travel tour for rich white ladies, it's Michael Douglas! Michael, who might still be in the middle of undergoing cancer treatments (I'm not sure), and his family are spending their Thanksgiving at Disney World this year. Yes, THANKSGIVING, but you can't tell from this picture since stupid ass Mickey and Minnie are dressed up for Christmas. Somebody tells those pre-ejaculators that we don't start stroking the candy cane until tomorrow! And somebody pour me another plastic cup of Andre, because I actually looked down to see if Mickey has a bulge. I have problems that cannot be cured.

And it's not officially Thanksgiving until you look at priceless pictures of international gem and hilarious expression maker Kirk Douglas and his wife Anne feeding the homeless (and themselves) at the Los Angeles Mission.

Michael Douglas is in the middle of undergoing treatment for froat cancer, but he still managed to put on a button down shirt and pull CZJ out of her Botox chamber to attend the Wall Street 2: Money's Got Insomnia premiere in NYC last night. Now I have no reason to bitch and moan about how suits make my pores itch, my bones ache and my nipples hyperventilate (but they really do).

Joining Michael at his premiere last night were his co-stars Shia LaDouche, Josh Brolin, Susan Sarandon, Carey Mulligan and director Oliver Stone. Shia talked to UsWeekly about working Michael, "He is a wolf, and he is a strong man. And I know of his vulnerabilities. When he came to set ... he was dealing with a lot, but never was it, 'Woe is me.' Ever. They’re going to remember him forever. You can’t say that about a lot of people. He's an American institution. It’s intimidating and incredible and exhilarating and rewarding." And then Shia asked the reporter to pull his finger.

Michael didn't talk to any reporters on the red carpet, obviously. Not even a wave, but that's okay because Shy-Shy has enough "Hiyeeees" for everyone:

Here's more pictures of the cast last night. Oh, and Ty Ty Banks was there, because she wanted to talk about how it was like for her when she was an investment banker during the recession.

Isn't that a headline that just squats over your cup of coffee and pisses in it? But it's not completely bad news. As some of you know, Michael Douglas was diagnosed with cancer of the froat three weeks ago and he had a conversation with both People Magazine and David Letterman about his current condition. Michael tells People that he has just started 8 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy to treat a tumor that is sitting at the base of his tongue and refuses to leave. Michael has 7 more weeks of treatment to go.

Michael told Letterman last night that the chemo will change his a voice a bit and he might have trouble swallowing solid foods. Michael's cancer is Stage 4, but it has not taken its evil act past his throat area. When Letterman asked what the chances are that it won't spread to the rest of his body, Michael answered that after doctors conducted a poll on Facebook they said he has an 80% chance of recovery. No, I don't know how doctors came up with 80%, but that's the number they gave to Michael. Other doctors say his chances are even better.

Michael's interview with Dave ended with a hug. Click here to see a piece of it.

Here's hoping to a full recovery! Michael should just make sure to keep his eyes closed when CZJ serenades him with a healing song, because that bitch looks crazy in the face when she sings. And this doesn't mean I have to pay money to see Wall Street 2, right? I'll sneak into it after buying a ticket for the much more respectable cinema masterpiece You Again.

With the news that the world might lose the glamorous being in the world, and now this, Dlisted is quickly turning into SaDlisted. Adjust the number of whiskey shots in your morning coffee accordingly.

Michael Douglas' rep tells People that doctors found a tumor in his froat and he will go through eight weeks of radiation and chemotherapy to make sure that shit doesn't come back. Michael's rep didn't throw the "cancer" word around, but Dr. Nancy Snyderman said on Today this morning that the tumor is most likely malignant since he's being treated with chemotherapy. If Dr. Nancy says this, it must be so. I get all my medical info from Dr. Nancy, Doogie Howser and Nurse Bobbie.

In a 4-word statement, Michael simply said: "I am very optimistic."

I would suggest that Catherine Zeta-Jones should soothe Michael's throat with a soft lullaby, but we've all seen her melodramatic ass sing, so maybe that's not the best idea.

Michael Douglas' 31-year-old butch lezzie son Cameron Douglas was sentenced to 5 years in prison today for conspiring to sell meth and heroin. Cameron was arrested last summer after a police informant received a half-pound of crystal meth from him in the mail. Cameron faced 10 years in the dick dungeon, but the judge knocked off 5 years for whatever reason.

The judge still managed to throw in a few words of bitchery during his sentencing in NYC today. Cameron's father, mother and stepmother all set in letters to the judge crying about how he's sober now and cleaning up his act. The judge thought the letters painted Cameron as some victim who got caught up in the bad shit which led him into the hood rat way of life. The judge told Cameron in court today, "Get over that idea."

In addition to the 5 years in prison, Cameron also received a $25,000 fine and 450 hours of community service. The judge also said that once Cameron gets out of prison, he has to dye his hair ginger, legally change his name to Rojo Caliente and move next door to a certain gayling in Brooklyn. Okay, I made up that last part, but Cameron does give off an air of saw dust. I probably would.

via NYDN

As Detective La Toya predicted CENTURIES AGO, Dr. Conrad Murray was charged with involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. Prosecutors believe they have enough evidence to prove that Connie unlawfully killed MJ by over-medicating his ass with Propofol and other drugs.

The documents state that Connie "did unlawfully, and without malice, kill Michael Joseph Jackson ... in the commission of an unlawful act, not a felony; and in the commission of a lawful act which might have produced death, in an unlawful manner, and without due caution and circumspection."

E! says that Conrad will plead "not guilty" to the charge. If convicted, Connie could get up to 4 years in the chokey. Or if the court is feeling evil, they could throw him in a locked room with the big scary butchie bitch in the picture above. She's the one in the black t-shirt who could break a strap-on just by thrusting her crotch at it.

Here's Connie and the Jackson family (sans Janet) arriving at the court house today.

Catherine Zeta-Jones' plastic surgery bills don't pay themselves, so Michael Douglas had to get back out there and make some damn money. That's the only reason I can come up with as to why there is a sequel to Wall Street. But anyways, here is the trailer.

The title of this shit lies. They are making it sound like money has insomnia. I know for a fact that money is not wide awake at night watching HSN and downing warm milk laced with crushed Simply Sleep pills in order to finally get some Zzzzzs.

Money was definitely fast asleep the other night when I went to the ATM to pay it a visit and got an "insufficient funds" notice instead. Lazy ass money couldn't come to the damn door because it was alseep! Or maybe nobody was home. No, money was definitely hugging a body pillow in bed.

And what is it with Shia starring in unnecessary sequels with old dudes we may or may not still fap to. First it was Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones, and now it's Michael Douglas in this mess. What's next? Shia and Sean Connery in the sequel to First Knight called Second Knight?