Gerard Butler

Brandi Glanville is known as everything from Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife to the trick who called Kim Richards a meth whore on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to LeAnn Rimes' body snatching victim, but to Gerard Butler she's known as "WHO?!" And that burns more than the sores that will rise from your genitals a day after wet humping on Gerard.

Brandi recently bragged to Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live that she spent an entire week diving down into Gerry's greasy crotch bush and she rated his sex skills an 11 out of 10. While Gerry was walking around L.A. yesterday, TMZ asked him about what Brandi said and he rated her a solid ?. Gerry broke a ho down when he said, "Who's Brandi Glanville?"

Don't you hate it when that happens? It's worse when you run into one of your one nighters at a bar or a party and they seriously ask you if you've met before. You crack your glass with your teeth to keep yourself from telling him that it would probably jog his memory if he stuck his nuts in your mouth. I mean, can't a slut get some respect? Anyway....

Brandi is sticking by her story and told Rumor Fix that Gerry even called her up to tell her that he pretended like he doesn't know her, because he's such a private person.

“He called me last night and told me he said it. He is upset because he is a private person. I don’t lie so I don’t really care.”

This is what Brandi gets for violating the ho code by naming names. Besides, I don't know why she's admitting that she screwed on Gerard Butler. That will only get your name on a list at the Health Department and it doesn't earn you some kind of special slut badge since everybody has screwed on that man whore. If you walked into any bar right now and asked every ho in there to raise their hand if they have ever taken a ride on Gerry's grease stick, you'd see a sea of armpits.

Then again, there's a chance that Brandi never rubbed her nipples on Gerry. Maybe she got her Butlers mixed up and she really fucked Brett Butler.

Life & Style says that at a party in Malibu over the weekend, LeAnn Rimes' life idol Brandi Glanville stuck her lizard tongue down the dark tunnel of random pussy juices that is Gerard Butler's man whore throat. Eddie Cibrian better start hiding cash in a bread box in the food pantry (a place LeAnn will never ever go), because it looks like her ass is about to sink her bony claws into another one of Brand's pieces. Eddie has been warned.

A witness at the party says that when Brandi and Gerard weren't filling their mouths with the sweet nectar, they were filling their mouths with each other's saliva. The witness put it like this: "They were at a private beach party -- drinks were flowing, and one thing led to another. Next thing you know, they're dancing together to some music, hands started getting frisky and it was a full-on make-out! Everyone saw it. One girl tried to snap a photo of it on her phone, but Gerard politely asked for privacy."

This is not surprising. Brandi will hump on anything that will get her a blurb in Life & Style (well played) and Gerard will hump on anything period. Don't believe me, if you ever need to make chicken fried steak and don't have a tenderizer handy, just throw the meat toward Gerry. Gerry will pound that meat until it's pan ready. Yes, there will be bits of genital wart skin stuck inside of it, but just eat it with a condom over your tongue.

But still. Brandi and Gerry making out in public? Gross. It probably looked like a banana slug eating a praying mantis and sounded like a Whoopee Cushion getting hit with a sponge full of bacon grease.

Here is a visual artist's interpretation of what it feels like to watch Brandi Analglandville and Gerry Slutler make out:

Maybe it's because my own "abs" look like the bloated ass of a pig with an anorexic anus and the only other time I see dude abs is on celebwhores who obviously implanted plastic biscuits into their stomachs, but Gerard Butler's torso is making me bust out a Jessica Fletcher face. Right before a charity football match in Glasgow the other day, Greasy Gerry posed with his tongue and abs out in the locker room while Henrik Larsson wondered why his stomach looks like two sideways butts fading into each other. I see it too, Henrik, I see it too.

Gerry used to be as ripped as one of Kellan Lutz's nipples, and then he gained a little chunk, and now it looks like he's about step 2 into Christian Bale's DIY Machinist Diet. Gerry's abs went from a six-pack to a keg and now they look like a six-pack that has been drained and crushed. This tells me that once you get a six-pack, you cannot stop doing crunches EVER or your torso will turn into the face of a skinny blob fish.

So thanks for that, Gerry. Now I don't feel guilty about ignoring that ab crunch machine when I'm going to the elliptical at the gym. YES! Stop the everything, I've actually been doing exercise shit for about 10 minutes every two weeks. But only because I practically need an asthma inhaler after I move my mouse too fast. And because being on the elliptical makes me feel like I'm climbing up a never-ending flight of stairs with a big black dildo in each hand.

And for the record, I still would (Gerry AND the big black dildos on the elliptical).

If you just so happened to be in Malibu over the weekend and wondered why hundreds of schools of fishes were swimming around the shore, it wasn't because Parasite Hilton went skinny dipping and the sea life thought that a new all-you-can eat buffet had opened up. Nope. It was because Gerard Butler went swimming in the ocean and the sea life KNEW an all-you-can buffet had opened up. You really haven't seen shit until you've seen thousands of fish swim up through Gerry Butler's trunks to nibble on the greasy smegma his dirty dick serves up! It's kind of like when you go to Red Lobster and the servers put down that basket of bottomless cheese biscuits (Off-Topic: Bottomless Cheese Biscuits is my nickname in certain circles). It's like that. Grossness aside....

Here's the man slut extraordinaire and human grease slick Gerry Butler hanging around Malibu this past weekend in a Panama Hat (or a Havana Hat, or whatever that is on his head). My mom and auntie are in town so I've been forced to step outside my hermit whore hole (Off-Topic: Hermit Whore Hole is my nickname in certain circles) and I've noticed that every single bitch on the street is wearing a Panama Hat now. EVERYBODY! Babies, douchebags, hookers, lezzies, gays, memaws, pepaws, squirrels, roaches, etc.. etc.. They are all wearing them! The Panama Hat is the Trucker Hat of 2011 and I can't take everybody trying to look like a Cuban drug kingpin. How are you supposed to know which Cuban drug kingpin sells the bad shit if everybody looks like a Cuban drug kingpin? It's confusing!

Let's fast forward pass this trend and get to the point in history where everybody wears metal Boy London caps again.

When I first read that the tingle in my loins Anderson Cooper was hosting the CFDA Fashion Awards, my first brain fart was that it makes sense why he checked "HELL NO NEVER NO" on the eVite I sent to the CNN general e-mail address asking him to attend my own CFDA (stands for: Come Fuck Dis Ass) event. I forgive him for that. My second thought was that it makes all the sense in the world that The Silver Fox would host the Oscars of fashion (that's what it is, right?).

Mah Boo comes from the Vanderbilt fashion dynasty AND he was a tween Ford model. Yeah, Ford, I know. We shouldn't hold that against him. It's not his fault that he didn't grow up near the esteemed Barbizon Model Academy in Anaheim, CA, the third modeling capital of Orange County (after Santa Ana and Fountain Valley, of course). Mah Boo can't help it that he only knows how to pose in front of a camera and never learned secret Barbizon tips like how to remove a suede bomber jacket while struttin' down the runway and how to keep your back to the door while leaving a casting director's office. (Fuck to me, I just gave away those secrets. There goes my right to use the "Looks Like a Model" tagline on my business card.)

Here's more of Mah Boo showing the fashion world how it's done last night. A little fact, though. That pillar behind Mah Boo was just ordinary until his butt burped and BAM! Crystallized.

I also threw in some pictures of Gerard Butler and Kanye West, because after getting burn marks on your nipples from Anderson Cooper's hotness, you'll need to treat them with douche water (provided by Kanye) and Scottish grease (provided by G. But).

What I mean by that is Helena Bonham Carter always shows up to the opening of WHATEVER looking like a Cyndi Lauper circa 1984 who dropped the wrong kind of acid and ended up in the bad part of Oz where a gang of junked up flying monkeys fucked her up before throwing her into a tornado of rainbow dust heading back home. I mean, HBC usually resembles a mound of taffeta getting butt fucked by a period dress from the Old Globe's costume shop. But yet, she showed up to the BAFTAs in London tonight wearing an ensemble from JcPenney's funeral matron collection. Totally normal!

Pretty sure my abuelita wore the exact same dress to every single funeral she ever went to. But my abuelita was stylish enough to pair it with beige Easy Spirits, a brown veil and a huge purse lined with paper towels (aka "her buffet visitin' purse"). Maybe Helena Bonham Carter held back, because she's saving up her energy for the Oscars in a couple of weeks. That's when she's really going to throw the fuckery down the carpet and put all those bland bitches to bed. Let's hope that's what's brewing up in her head, because I cannot accept this kind of behavior from her anymore!

So yeah, the BAFTAs were tonight and below is some of the winner's list:

Best Film: The King's Speech

Outstanding British Film: The King's Speech

Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network

Best Foreign Language Film: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3

Best Leading Actor: Colin Firth, The King's Speech

Best Leading Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Best Supporting Actor: The King's Speech, Geoffrey Rush

Best Supporting Actress: Helena Bonham Carter, The King's Speech

The full list with all the nominees is here. And here's a few pictures from that shit. In order: HBC with Tim Burton, Amy Adams, Sarah Harding, Thandie Newton, Emma Watson, a graceful swan woman, Nicholas Hoult, James McAvoy, Mark Ruffalo with his wife Sunrise, Rupert Grint, Noomi Rapace, J.K. Rowling, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Tilda Swinton, Minnie Driver, Jane Goldman, Annette Bening, Eva Green, Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, Neve Campbell (making all of us feel OLD), MiserAlba (doing her best impersonation of a knocked up Natalie Portman since knocked up Natalie Portman wasn't there) and Gerard Slutler.

This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he's in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, "HOLD IT IN!!!" Just uncomfortable as all hell.

Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he's just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly's trailer toilet. It's like he'd rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on...

You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she's pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.

But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.

Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.

Here's a few others at last night's event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.

Supposedly, Courtney Love's financial situation is about as messy as the back of Tommy Girl's silk chonies when Beck's name comes up on his caller ID, so how did she queef up thousands of dollars at the Peace and Justice auction in NYC on Friday night?! Page Six says that not only did Court buy a walk-on role in Paul Haggis' next movie, but she also put down $17,000 to have tea with the lusciously gorgeous afghan hound known as Adrien Brody.

Did Courtney pay for that shit using dozens of prepaid credit cards she came across during her crawls through the gutter? Or did she sell one of her organs to a group of scientists who want to know how she's lived so long on a diet consisting only of nicotine particles, under nail dirt, (insert the name of every and any narcotic) and the dust bunnies that fly off her keyboard when she busts out a Twatter rant. Can't say I blame her, because I'd Aron Ralston one of my arms to watch Adrien Brody dip his tea bags.

Apparently, so will Gerard Butler. One of Page Six's sources say that he and Court got into a major bidding war over a tea date with Adrien.

Adrien is probably going to wish that The Butler won that battle when Courtney asks him to feed her a piece of his dickscotti. And for $17,000, the crazy bitch has every right to ask!

I see Colin Farrell's comb over and raise you a Gerard Butler's mullet. I really can't wait for the pictures of Hugh Jackman with a Jheri curl. Or Jon Hamm with a rattail.

Anyways, here's Gerard Butler with a pair of clip-on bangs hanging to the back of his head while strolling around the Michigan set of the movie Machine Gun Preacher.

The sight of Gerard Butler usually only makes the rate monitor in my private areas jump a few times, but the mullet makes me see him in a whole new light. Cyrus-ized Gerard looks like the type who will disinfect the open sores on his peen with a few splashes of Natty Ice before bending you over the back of an El Camino. Actually now that I think about it, Gerard always looks like that type.

On the Johnjay and Rich radio show this morning, Gerard Butler was asked about the picture of him giving Jennifer Aniston's culito a poke in Paris. Instead of just stamping that picture with "THE BUTLER DID IT," Gerry laughed that shit off:

"I'm a bit of a bad boy. By the way, I'm still not sure my hand was really on her butt. I think that's just the way the camera was angled. I actually haven't seen it."

Gerry also denied that he spends his nights at Jennifer Aniston's house where they play fake husband and wife, "If I was going out with Jennifer, I'd be more than happy to say I'm going out with Jennifer -- it's just not true."

Back to the butt bang thing, methinks this is just Gerry's way. Gerry's finger just has a mind of its own. If you're standing next to Gerry, you're going to get an impromptu prostate exam. Because of this, Gerry shouldn't be surprised when Tommy Girl shows up at his side and refuses to leave.