This Belongs In A Museum

This is even better news than Dlisted reader Melanie directing me toward a site where I can buy Chocodiles until my credit card quits life (SPOILER ALERT: After 2 transactions). A federal appeals court in San Francisco ruled today that Prop 8 is the opposite of constitutional and that the ban on same-sex marriage is a piece of shit. That means we're a little closer to reality stars finally ripping the NOH8 duct tape off of their mouths (Well, since I put it that way...). The court's ruling will probably be appealed, but in the meantime let's take to the square rainbow dance floor and break it down like this together:

Reese Witherspoon hasn't meant shit to me ever since she stomped her chin on Jake Gyllenhaal's fairytale wedding dreams, but she has redeemed herself by making the children cry. MTV (via Just Jared) asked Reese what she thinks about Justin Bieber remaking Fear and she could've let out some sugar coated publicist-approved bullshit, but instead she said this:

"Fine. Great. That would be cool. Would he be playing me or is he playing Mark Wahlberg?"

DONE.

Reese then tried to make it sound like what she really meant is that he'll play a dude with a girl stalker, but CHIN please. Oh, Reese, when you're fighting off the rattle-wielding, mouth foaming Beliebers with your chin, just know that you're everyone's hero for today for this afternoon for this hour.

via The Superficial

Because The National Enquirer has solved the case! Their paternity test experts took a patch of Khloe Kardashian's back fur that got stuck on a tree trunk as she ran through the forest in search of pygmy goats to eat and tested it with a DNA sample they got from O.J. Simpson's ill-fitting glove. It was a match! O.J. IS the father. The birds of the forest just fled from the trees as Harry from Harry and the Hendersons made the ground quake by doing the Not Father Dance. I guess that bareback quickie he had in the shrubs after eating ten too many fermented peaches was with a half-shaven baboon after all and not Pimp Mama Kris. It's an easy mistake to make.

The National Enquirer (via DM), who are obviously going hardcore for the Pulitzer Prize in comedy this year, heard from a source that a couple of years before Khloe was born, Pimp Mama Kris had an affair with the monster who would go on to murder the so-called best friend she sold out in a tell-all. The source says the proof is in the face of O.J.'s daughter Sydney, because they think she looks just like Khloe. The source went on to spit this dollop of pricelessness:

"O.J. told me Khloe's his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends' wives.

He used to tell us way back - even before he and Nicole got divorced - that he had a love child with the wife of a wealthy family. But at the time of Khloe's birth, it would have been devastating for the news to come out that America's biggest sports hero had fathered a love child."

Oh shit, that is good. The National Enquirer should just handle every story from now, because they are masters at spinning a whole lot of WHO CARES into gold. They're like Fuckerystiltskin. But they're not completely off base. Before Pimp Mama Kris was a bona fide pimp, she was a bona fide whore to the core so you shouldn't put it past her. That said, this isn't true ("Thank you Professorina Obvious" - You to Me). O.J. is a heartless monster, Pimp Mama Kris is a heartless minion of Satan and the only crime against humanity Khloe is guilty of is this.

And of course, Kim had to stick her Twatter into this:

Now we have all the answers! It makes sense now! Khloe u are so tan!

Kim, kindly suck on a giant Shut The Fuck Up. I'll paint it black if that helps. Kim is just bringing this up so hos will temporarily forget that she would be nominated for a Razzie for her emotional performance in that SUV ride she faked for her reality shit show. Kim, just because we're laughing at O.J. doesn't mean we still can't smell the burnt fakeness wafting off of your ass. Put down the Febreze, it doesn't mask the stench.

via HuffPo

Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare's Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list.

Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap's camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP's "Fraggle Rock refugee" ensemble, but you'll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses.

And now it's time for a math problem!

When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other?

Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO!

BONUS VIDEO: Here's Chicken Cutlets talking about how she's been named Woman of the Year by Foster Farms the Leukemia Something Society:

They're trying to tell me that a Fresh Prince of Bel Air reunion went down at a luncheon for Karyn Parsons' (aka Hilary Banks) Sweet Blackberry charity the other day, but you can't stamp this with the reunion label with some of the key bitches missing. Sure, James Avery, Will Smith, Tatyana Ali and Alfonso Ribeiro showed up (and Jazz probably showed up but then got thrown out by Uncle Phil), but this is still missing a double dose of Aunt Viv and Geoffrey. Although, it would knock butt plug out of Will's ass if Aunt Viv #1 showed up to any event he was at. Aunt Viv #1 got fired and years later she wrote in a tell-all about how Will tried to blacklist her from Hollywood. She wrote this mess of words in her tell-all:

"Let me explain something to you about Hollywood Negroes. Hollywood negroes are afraid to not eat. Everybody out there is so afraid that they're going to lose that job! And that job and that money supercede e-v-e-r-y, s-i-n-g-l-e thing in life! People in Hollywood, in my opinion, would step on their baby's face for a deal. If their baby is in the way, they will kick that baby out of the way for that money."

So I guess not only are Aunt Viv #1, Aunt Viv #2, Jazz and Geoffrey not pictured, but neither is the baby Will kicked to get there.

The spirit of a 2-pack-a-day-smoking Piggly Wiggly cashier named Earline Dawn trapped in the body of a 19-year-old trailer park chipmunk named Miley Cyrus was making her way to a helicopter in Costa Rica the other day when a few of her fans stopped her to ask for a picture. Miley posed for one picture and then walked away even though her fans wanted more. The rest of the priceless conversation went like this:

Miley: Babe, babe, I gotta go, honey.
Fan: Asshole.
Miley: What da fuck?! Are you fur rill?

Oh, Miley Cyrus fan, I was about to call you a puta estúpida for asking Miley for a picture, but then my hate turned to love when you called her an asshole. You're my Costa Rican hero today.

via ONTD

It's been said that the gift the Three Wise Men brought to Jesus on his born day was a ginger with magnificent chichis carrying a bottle of scotch. (Yes, I know that the Bible, OR WHATEVER, technically says they brought him gold, frankincense and myrrh. But that's just old Bible talk for ginger, chichis and scotch. I went to catechism for like 2 years so I know.) So because of that, these Johnnie Walker ads starring Christina Hendricks ARE Christmas. The only note I have is that if they really wanted to make this shit really classy, they should've put a glass of scotch on each one of her titty balls and asked her to clink them together.

And if you stare long enough, it sorts of looks like a naked double amputee Santa Claus mistook her dress for a chimney and dove in head first. Extra Christmas points!

Unless your name is Lamar Odom, then you obviously love hippos more than this hippoholic does. Anywhydoyouride, do your remember that classic masterpiece of a video from a few years ago of those drunken Irish slags ruining their baby's innocence by fighting about his wandering peen in the middle of the street? If you've been to Louvre lately you've seen it since it's their star piece. In that video, the one drunk slag says "WHY DO YOU RIDE HIPPOS?!" over and over again to the other drunk slag. Well, Sue Shefman knows what they're talking about, because she rides a hippo every day. Sue is so crazy about hippos that she turned her RAV4 into one.

If Brad Pitt loved shampoo as much as Sue loves hippos, I wouldn't have thin layers of grease on my retinas from looking at his pictures. If Herman Cain loved monogamy as much as Sue loves hippos, we'd still have his crazy gems to take us higher (RIP Pizza 4 President). If Lindsay Lohan loved not fucking up as much as Sue loves hippos, she wouldn't be spreading her carnicería in her Playboy for a check (actually she still would). If Anderson Cooper loved bitter skinny fat gay bloggers with zero taste as much as Sue loves hippos, then he'd probably be committed since his loved ones would be concerned about his mental well-being.

And yes, if I had the drunks and saw that RAV4 hippo in a parking lot, I'd totally hump it from the back.

via Buzzfeed

If you've got ten minutes of free time and your snapping fingers are ready to go, then sit back and watch the likes of Mimi, Janet, Madge, Whitney, Mary J. Blige and Cher drain the Vitamin D out of each other's body by throwing so much shade. This "Diva on Divas" compilation is brought to you by the one and only Rich at FourFour, and what I've learned from this is:

- Janet Jackson surprisingly can shoot out a bullet of potent bitchy.

- The more British (and plastic faced) Madge becomes the more artificially sweeter the ho gets.

- Brit Brit is forever trapped in a Bubblicious bubble of cupcake farts and rainbow burps.

- Crazy ass Celine sounds like Yogi Bear with Laryngitis when she tries to do Cher.

- Mimi is in a feud with EVERYONE.

And of course, as the bodies of all those hos lay slayed on a pile, Cher climbs to the top and delivers the last word while wearing a truly jacked up wig.