This Belongs In A Museum
That might sound like one of the plots of Christopher Guest's new movie starring Jennifer Coolidge as the rodeo queens' coach, but it isn't. This story is a reminder that the local news regularly burps up shiny gems of fuckery that even make The Onion go "huh?" The latest one comes out from KSL in Farmington, Utah. A major breakout of horse herpes (cut to Lady Coco Chanel making a "Not My Fault" face) has forced the cancellation of several rodeo events and shit, because who wants to put a feedbag of Valtrex under their horse's mouth? The Davis County Sheriff's Mounted Posse Junior Queen Contest was almost shut down too, but then the organizers got an idea that saved the event. They put the rodeo queens on stick horses. The world is now a much more magical place thanks to the stick horse rodeo.
One of the little rodeo queens said, "With a stick horse it's a lot different because you have to do all the work, and I think it's going to be a lot more tiring than with a real horse."
After watching that classic video, it's only right for me to say that Brokeback Mountain would've been a million times better with stick ponies instead. Hell, everything would be better with stick ponies. Real ponies shit, piss, kick at you when you try to hot glue rhinestones on their skin and don't smile on command. But stick ponies don't shit, nor piss and they won't try to take your knee caps out if you hot glue a rhinestone to their heads. They can't! They don't have legs!
I say we retire all the ponies and stick to stick ponies! If stick pony rodeos became the new thing, I might even get up off my ass and get on that shit. Because if anybody knows how to ride a stick... I'm stopping.
Courtney Love gave an interview to The Fix about drug addiction and sobriety, and it's pretty what you would expect from a Courtney Love interview about drug addiction and sobriety. Courtney Love is an enigma marinated in dirty crack pipe water, wrapped in peyote skin, cooked on a plate of hot Adderall pills and served on the tongue of a mental hospital patient in a strait jacket. This is why Courtney gives a good interview! Bitch's brain is like a Whac-A-Mole of thoughts.
Before Courtney talked about being sober, she nursed a beer and then pointed to a bag of meds next to her bed (prescribed by a VERY reputable doctor, thankyouverymuch). And then Court got into it. Here's a few choice quotes:
On how she recommends this crazy tea she's never drank before: "You couldn’t pay me a billion dollars to take marijuana. I don’t really like coke anymore. I’m scared of ecstasy. The one drug I'd like to try one day is Ayahuasca, which should be mandatory for everybody. It’s apparently this crazy tea that gives you these intense hallucinations. Everyone who takes it sees a wise old black man who takes you on a wild journey. I’m not going to name names, but everyone who takes it sees the same black guy. I'm not kidding you. Everyone! "
On how the wise old black man you see is not Morgan Freeman: "Shut up! No! My drug counselor did Ayahuasca with Sting one time and Sting spent an hour chasing a bee through Joshua Tree. I didn’t join in because losing control is not my jam. The few times I’ve been really drunk, I was plastered on tequila, which is no fun at all. One of those times was at the M.T.V. Awards, when I nearly fell on the floor because I took so many benzos. "
On how she's the Virgin Mary of drugs and almost every celebrity is an addict: "You know what's funny? People in the flyover states tend to think that all the celebrities on both coasts are constantly high. They think that we're all on some uber-drug. But the thing is, they're kind of right. But somehow most of them manage to function, more or less. The biggest celebrities and movers and shakers I know are also some of the worst alcoholics and drug addicts. But you'd never know it by looking at them. Now that I’m trying to stay sober, I try my best to stay away from that crowd, but it’s not always easy. These days, I’m very virginal when it comes to drugs."
On how not doing the bad shit has turned her into a nympho slut who thinks sex is overrated: "Yeah. After I stopped doing drugs I started to fuck like a bunny.... I had this Norma Desmond moment, I guess. I started sleeping with this dude who wasn’t so great, and then I hooked up with another dude who was in an open marriage, but he wasn’t so great, either. I'm a very sexual person, but in general, I think sex is kind of overrated. Most of the guys I sleep with have tended to be actors and musicians and directors. And they tend to be lousy lays. "
On how she wants to be a trophy piece: "Actually, these days I’m only interested in plutocrats. Like really, really rich guys. I’m determined to land one sooner or later. My favorite book these days is something called The Official Filthy Rich Handbook, which I study like the Talmud. The thing is, I think I can be a real asset to a wealthy man. I’ve always been a great girlfriend, but until recently I’ve struggled to stay single, because I had never been without a boyfriend before. It’s just my nature to couple up. I’m not saying that I’m completely monogamous—I’m too much of a libertine for that. But I’ve always craved real relationships."
On if her rock bottom was when she let a stranger suck on her tit for the cameras: "No, my bottom was snorting blow up Pamela Anderson’s ass! [laughs] Actually my real bottom was buying my pharmacists on both coasts wide-screen plasma TVs for Christmas!
The Pam Anderson roast on VH1 wasn’t a great moment for me, either. I was a mess. I had lipstick smeared all over my face. I was doped and dazed. I may have even been drooling. But it’s all Andy Dick’s fault, really. He handed me a pill right before the show and said, 'Courtney, take this, it’s like Vicodin without the aspirin.' It fucked me up bad. Winona Ryder slipped me a similar pill a few months earlier. I’m such an addict that I just swallowed them both, without asking what they were. So thanks to Andy Dick I ended up accidentally getting addicted to benzos, which went on to plague my life."
On rehab scholarships: "I spent 90 days at this ritzy rehab called Beau Monde. They accepted me on a scholarship basis, because I seriously had no money at the time."
On how ScarJo should play her in a movie: "A few months ago, at a party in Hollywood, Scarlett Johansson did a pretty spot-on imitation of me. She wrapped a bandage around her boobs and tumbled down a flight of stairs with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hands. But the truth is I’ve never had a drop of Jack Daniels. I hate the taste of hard alcohol. What I really like is wine."
On Dr. Drew: "I mean, I wouldn’t want to end up at Dr. Drew’s place. He’s such a phony, that guy."
Drinking beer.... Popping pills.... Talking about how she's craving hallucinogenic tea... Yup, this crazy bitch is completely 100% sober, DOCTOR!
By the way, do you think they sell that crazy tea at Starbucks, because I really need to spend some quality time with an old wise black man (played by George Clinton, preferably).
If I lived in a house, I too would have an exquisitely tacky bootleg statue of Michelangelo's David in my front yard, because I believe that one should get all of their landscape ideas from Norwood Young. But the residents of Lollipop Lane (I can't) in Abilene, Texas do not agree with me, because they are throwing up their hands and calling the local news over a rock hard dick decoration that is tainting their children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These complainers must piss through a tiny hole in their taints and only use their genitals for hardcore fucking, because they think a statue of a naked dude is forcing them to talk to their children about sex. One stone peen hater said, "What can you tell a child when you haven't talked to them about sex yet?" Hmmm. Well, I'm no child psychologist, but I supposed if they ask what thing on David is you could say, "It's a penis." But maybe the word "penis" will cause their ears to fall off and crawl into the bowels of hell to be devoured by Satan's minions. Or they could just tell their children it's a fat worm nibbling on a pair of figs.
But seriously, there's only one way to solve this. The neighbor should get himself a naked cherub statue to place below David. Then the neighbor should turn David into a fountain and make it so that he's pissing onto a cherub's nalgas. That will definitely teach the children that penises are for pissing and not for any sex stuff. CRISIS AVERTED!
By the way, can somebody give me directions to the Doggone Museum, because you know how much I love KITTENS!!! (I'm guessing all dogs are gone from that museum. Yes, I'll hand you the GONG on my way out.)
(Thanks to Bradley M for sending this in!)
If champagne bottle nostril sex, rippled titties, stray pit hairs, sign language cunnilingus, 56-year-old nipple, melting Parmesan stick arms, vein erections, painted duck bills and organic elegance gives you life, then these NSFWish pictures are your new holy grail! Janice Dickinson earned the title of the world's first AND greatest supermodel at District 36 in NYC last night by bringing out a series of poses that were so scorching hot it made the silicone in her chichi sacks boil over and her tit skin started to do the wave in her honor.
Not only do these pictures make me crave poorly-wrapped fried pork dumplings, but it makes me fall in love with the forever demure Janice Dickinson. How can you not love a beautiful creature who resembles a Steven Tyler Muppet made with fruit leather?
The hat that looks like two bitchy sperm fishes fighting about who gets to fertilize the egg is heading for eBay! The Original Fergie tells Oprah (in an interview airing today) that her daughter Princess Bea is donating the Philip Treacy-designed fascinator (drop the "f" and that's my fantasy bath house nickname) she wore to the Royal Wedding to charity. The Aretha Franklin hat of 2011 can be yours! From People:
"She's putting it up on eBay to auction it for UNICEF and for children in crisis," Beatrice's mother, Duchess Sarah Ferguson, announced Wednesday during an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show.
No, UNICEF does not stand for: Urstruly Needs Immediate Cash Endorsements Forreal. And I don't think Fergie's nickname for her offshore account is "children." I think she's really donating it to charity!
In the same interview, Fergie said that she went to Thailand during the Royal Wedding, because she sad that she wasn't invited. Fergie said that she understood that her con man ways cost her an invitation, but she was still sad, "It was so difficult. Because I wanted to be there with my girls and to -- and to be getting them dressed and to go as a family."
Well, the molded vomit mess on Princess Bea's head made all of us rolls our eyes and laugh to keep from heaving, so it was just like Fergie herself was there top of her daughter's head!
On Mah Boo 369me last night, Isha Sesay started talking about the non-feud between superstar brat Justin Bieber and Marg Helgenberger when the producers snuck in a picture of a 9-year-old Anderson Cooper dressed like Ruta Lee on To Tell The Truth?. Andy said that he was supposed to be the youngest bear trainer and he got a vote from both Nipsey Russell and Kitty Carlisle Hart. (Note: The new bar has been set for the gayest sentence I've every typed.)
Mah Boo threw a few cut eyes at his 360 staff and said that heads will roll for this, but you know he still puts Barney's pube bush on his head and parades around his firehouse on a Sunday morning. Andy can't fool me!
Click here to see the clip of Mah Boo giggling at his 9-year-old self in Phyllis Diller drag and below is a clip of him further explaining the purple puff on his head. No comment on Young Anderson Cooper saying that he's no longer afraid of bears.
And when Mah Boo giggles, a platinum unicorn feels a twitch in its anus for the first time. So keep the giggling coming, Mah Boo!
via The Mirror
It's Monday morning and you're most likely suffering from jelly bean withdrawals paired with a Peep-mopolitan hangover, so I'm sure you're open mouth bawling on your desk just like this toddler right here (and I know you're wearing white overalls too). If only Zach Galifianakis was there to soothe your weeps with his warm fur bosom and goose down fupa.
You know, directors seem to have gathered together and decided that Zach (copy and paste his last name here with your eyes because I'm too lazy to do it but I'm obviously not too lazy to type out this long ass explanation for why I didn't copy and paste his last name here)'s funny ho act isn't complete without some kind of an unlikely side-kick.
In The Hangover, he got a baby. In Due Date, he got a masturbating French Bulldog. In The Hangover II, he's getting a monkey. And here he is filming scenes for Bored to Death in Brooklyn with a screaming albino toddler.
Somewhere in North Hollywood, there's a Zach G side-kick casting office with a line outside that includes Einstein the smallest stallion, a meth head with a cock ring scrunchie, Snooki and the baby bottle-loving Koi fish.
Okay, maybe just one comment: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Where? - The Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in NYC
When? - April 9, 2011
Why? - Neil Patrick Harris and Christina Hendricks got almost naked for the New York Philharmonic's production of Stephen Sondheim's Company, which also starred Stephen Colbert, Martha Plimpton, Patti LuPone, Jon Cryer and Anika Noni Rose.
What?! - Yes, I'm still What?-ing at this too. On their own, satin lavender sheets, Doogie's nipples, Christina's magnificent chichis and show tunes about Spanish cities make me tingle over like I'm chewing on aluminum foil, but put them together and BOOM!
It's like my second ultimate gay fantasy (my first being a snuggle fest with Anderson Cooper on the back of Falcor as we ride through Fantastica) with a cameo by Christina's 8th world wonder tits. If you have the weirdest boner right now, you're so not alone.