This Belongs In A Museum
No, this isn't a recently surfaced picture of Sarah Jessica Parker bonding with the unborn twins in her surrogate's belly, this is Selma Blair having a special My Friend Flicka moment with her horse friend Taffy in Burbank, CA yesterday. Yes, this possibly staged shoot is cheesier than the crotch side of Colin Farrell's panties, but it's still making the freezer-burned package of ground heart meat in my chest feel something. That's if I block out the gutter devil voices in my head screaming: "THAT HORSE IS GONNA EAT DA BABY!!!" and "A pony is totally going to fall out of Selma in a few months." Yes, leave it to my faulty trash compactor of a brain to turn an "awwww" into an "ewwww."
We'd expect nothing less from the forever elegant crystal unicorn princess and she knows this. So Mimi said "Poof!" to Vogue, dismissed Vanity Fair and instead chose to bare her overgrown butterfly cocoon for the cover of the tastemaking periodical of class that is Life & Style Weekly. When we all think of the words "life" and "style," we automatically think of double knocked up Mimi airing her lamb pit out while wearing a wavy hair bra, so this is a perfect fit.
Mimi gets nekkid ass nekkid for her drivers license photo, so we knew this day was coming. To be honest, I was kind of hoping that Mimi would save it for a limited-edition Lisa Frank folder sold in select Walgreens, but this is a good second choice.
Mimi tells Life & Style that even though she wasn't feeling totally camera ready fresh (Can I get an extra sparkly "HO, PLEASE"?), she knew she wanted to share this special Care Bear Stare with the world, so she dropped her pink satin marabou robe, brought her best eyebrow game and worked it like an Awkward Family Photos desk calendar model. Mimi cooed this out after the shoot:
"I was feeling very vulnerable about taking pictures at all right now, but then I didn't want to miss this opportunity to document this once-in-a-lifetime experience. My ultimate goal was to share this incredibly personal moment with my true fans.
The babies were kicking almost the entire time; it was unbelievable. Especially the girl -- clearly she's a diva in training! We didn't start shooting until 1:30 a.m. because I was in the hospital from the night before until the day of the shoot with contractions five minutes apart!
Now I have so much respect for mothers everywhere, especially those who've had difficult pregnancies or given birth to multiples. We need to have Mother's Day once a week!"
Why do I have a feeling that knocked up hos everywhere are going to request "The Mimi Set-Up" at Glamour Shots and Sears Portrait Studios all around the country? Sears better stock extra clip-on polyester falls just in case. Speaking of, that hair sort of makes Mimi look like what happened after Lady totally swallowed the Tramp's noodle and more.
And no, we don't need a Mother's Day once a week, but we definitely need a Mimi Gets Naked Day once a week, because this is a refined work of understated art (add an "f" to art if you feel the need).
This highly important international news story that is relevant to all of our interests is one that I missed yesterday, but thankfully some of your asses won't let me miss it. Because if there's something I love, it's a SLUT WALK (or as Taylor Momsen calls it, "Sunday"). It all started when a fucknotted piece of chewed up dumb (official name: Toronto Police Constable Michael Sanguinetti) told students at Toronto's York University that if women don't want to get raped, they shouldn't dress like sluts. This inspired three 20-something girls to fight for the right to dress like a Jodie Marsh by organizing a gigantic Slut Walk in front of police headquarters on Sunday afternoon.
Thousands of women put on their favorite whore uniforms and protested against the constable trying to keep a good slut dresser down. Just because a hereho's titties are hiked up to her nostrils and her pussy lips are waving under her skirt in the wind, doesn't give anybody the right to reach out and touch them without an invitation. Ben Roethlisberger just exploded into a GHB-laced ball of confusion.
I fully support every slut's right to freely dress like a proud slut whenever and wherever she wants without fear! Some people get a smile in their heart when they see a freshly bloomed flower reaching toward the sun, but I get a smile in my heart when I see a for real ho struttin' down the stroll in lucite stilts and a double titty souffle spilling out of her latex corset. That image is my flower!
That being said, they should've asked me to curate this Slut Walk event, because some of those outfits..... Are you really going to wear your junior high school knit hoodie with a pair of lace hose?! Get thee to a Frederick's outlet and fix yourself! I love a slut, but I don't love a sloppy slut. Call me next year!
If the intermission during Sunday service included a pole dancer sliding around a crucifix on the altar, I would totally reserve a seat in the first pew every single week!
Christian Nightmares point us to this report from MyFox Houston of an ex-stripper named Crystal Deans (that's a really hot name) who teaches her fellow church goers how to work the pole in the name of JESUS! Crystal is trying to wash away the stigma of pole dancing and says they are just working out....in exquisite lucite heels. I've always said that lucite is made from the distilled tears of angels, so Crystal is doing everything right! Can I get an AMEN?! And can I also get a lap dance in the confessional? And do I put a dollar in her G or just throw it in the basket? Yup, we're burning this place down today.
Even battery acid couldn't rinse the film of YACK left on your eyes from seeing a decomposing sea turtle tongue wrestle with a turnpike hag, but these pictures of Ewan McGregor bike riding with a puppy in his basket might help. They're adorable because: a) there's a puppy in his basket and b) he's dressed like he's about to break into an acoustic version of "Seize the Day!"
I just hope that street is free of pot holes and out-of-control cars. Yeah, I really know how to ruin a cute shit moment.
Alan Simpson, the former senator of Wyoming and a co-chair on The Deficit Reduction Commission, think the children of America are a bunch of rude little shits who wear their caps backawards and listen to way too much Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog. Did Mr. Simpson just call our national's youth SCAT LOVERS? Mr. Simpson needs to get his mind out of the dirty bedpan! Dude's got prunes and extra-strength laxatives on the brain.
Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog should really get together with MC Skat Kat to become the new colons of Activia. No wonder Eminem has curbed the rage lately. Bitch finally took a shit.
But the real punchline of this YouTube clip is what they suggest you watch afterward:
Snoopy is in a bad mood, because he's constipated! Duh. Charlie Brown needs to hook his dog up with the great suppository.
With all that being said, I'd still listen the shit out of Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog.
Two and a Half Men might be earthworm food, but Carlos Estevez is bringing bigger and better daily laughs with his insane rants directed towards at the show's creator Chuck Lorre. When Charlie Sheen isn't snorting up lines of win or controlling things with his mind, he's calling into radio shows. And today, he picked up the phone and called into Pat "Let's hire a hooker, Let's get some coke" O'Brien's radio show. I don't really need to say much, because Charlie's quotes are always so amazingly crazy that for years to come counselors will use them to determine whether or not their patients are crack damaged in the brains. "Does this Charlie Sheen quote make sense to you?" "Yes." CRACK DAMAGED!
As always, TMZ has the audio, but here's a few quotes. Charlie is even bringing Eminem into it!
Charlie on being clean and sober: “I'd 100% line up for a test, in front of anyone, only entrance fee is water. You can’t make a claim like that unless you are sitting on absolute gold.”
Charlie on not getting a paycheck from the producers: “Defeat is not an option. They know what they did was wrong they are in absolute breach [of contract] I did nothing wrong. They have picked a fight with the wrong guy. Defeat is not an option. I expressed an opinion, I have the first amendment to support me and I have an army marching behind me, to quote Eminem.”
Charlie on how the producers should take two pieces of Wonder Bread and rub his soft dick with them: “I put a billion dollars in the studio’s pockets and I put half a billion dollars in Chuck’s pocket. I should of been walking in to sandwiches, massages and hand jobs. Yeah, I said it!”
Charlie on how the producers told him to get his shit together: “Look, they said ‘change your life’ and I did, in like an hour. They might just be missing the old guy that was turning up every day and hitting gold.”
Charlie on Chuck Lorre and the show's other creator: “These guys are a couple of AA Nazis and just blatant hypocrites."
Charlie on if he would ever go back to the show: "Can you imagine going back into the sludge pit with those knuckleheads at this point? Can you imagine? It would go bad quickly."
Charlie on how we haven't seen the last of him yet: “Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch – it’s about to get really gnarly.”
Gnarly? Did Gnarly Sheen just graduate from Ridgemont High or some shit? If the gnarly-ness Carlos is about to serve is as gnarly as the chewed-up bar of Wrigley's in his mouth, then yeah, things are about to get really gnarly.
Two things happened last night: 1) Paula Deen was on Top Chef and made all the bars of butter in her refrigerator jealous by saying that she loves heads on scrimps, because she knows she's going to be "sucking on that head." 2) Millions of shrimps decapitated themselves on a lobster's claw.
And Paula Deen saying "I know I'm going to be sucking that head" has just become my ring tone for EVERYTHING.
(Thanks to Matt and everybody else!)
Millions of Beliebers called in sad to pre-preschool this morning after their personal pan JESUS was shot up and killed on CSI last night. Somebody please try to get them off the ledge of their cribs by offering them an extra dessert with their Lunchables. They don't understand how this happened. They were taught in bible school that Justin Bieber is an immortal holy spirit that was created when a lesbian cherub farted at the same time Jesus burped. They didn't know Justin bleeds actually blood instead of stuffed animal stuffing. We're all screaming WHY WHY WHY????? (But for totally different reasons).
In times like this, the Beliebers need to recite a scripture by their messiah. Biebercus 13:12: Everything happens for a reason. Even Cabbage Patch doll murder.
Words will cheapen this beyond beautiful public moment between Rojo Caliente, her queen Cynthia Nixon and the adorable new Rojo Prince of Gingers Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni (aka Prince MEN), so I will leave you to print this out in the finest velvet, frame it in gilded gold and place it at an altar surrounded by cinnamon candles. This is my new religion (sorry, Church of Lucite). Who needs a fireplace (or even a radiator that works) when you've got this?
But I will say just one thing.... Why the hell are they posing in front of that cheap ass business park curtain?! They should be in front of a royal blue velvet curtain trimmed with solid gold! Oh, what am I saying? Rojo is forever humble. And we pray....
(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)