This Belongs In A Museum
Syfy barely announced last month that Tiffany and Debbie Gibson will battle it out in the soon-to-be masterpiece Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, and they have already released a clip of their fight to the death which starts in some VIP tent and ends in the swamp. This mess features more panty flashes and creamy loads to the chest than one of Gay Al Reynold's tea parties. It finally ends with Debbie Gibson snatching Tiffany's signature line.
And I do love seeing a bitch throw another ho through a strategically placed stack of champagne glasses, but there are bigger things to worry about! Like the fact that Mega Python gave birth to two babies that are attacking Tiffany's mouth!
Don't try to shoot bullets made of dignity at Poultrydise Island's very own Wonder Cutlets, because she will only block them with her powerful plastic cuffs bought on clearance at a Spencer's Gift in the Valley. Any pap trying to run away to photograph a bigger superstar (an impossible mission since one does not exist) will be caught by Wonder Culets' attention catching lasso!
Here's the saffron sprinkled wonder Phoebe Price, who is always sitting in an invisible plane, bringing her signature ho stroll poses to The Gathering of the Nerdaloos (aka Comic Con) in San Diego yesterday.
This is why Lynda Carter was found shuffling along the highway and mumbling to herself about how her life no longer has meaning since Phoebe Price does it better. Carrie Fisher will soon be joining Lynda on What Does It All Mean Lane, because Chicken Cutlets later slipped into a Princess Leia costume.
Mothers of fanboys better hide the frozen cutlets in the garage freezer, because their sons can't wait to tear that shit up when they get back from Comic Con. Chicken Alfredo is what's for dinner!
Here's Jersey Shore's The Situation, the teenage Don Knotts in the middle, and his siblings giving us a variety of eyebrow delicacies in their very own awkward family photo. Turtlenecking like champs!
Vh1 has announced the cast for Dr. Drew's Hour of Crackheaded Foolery and it looks like season four will be filled with zero celebrities and zero rehab, but a whole lot of potent fuckery to the tenth degree! And you can trust me when I say that most of the fuckery will be flowing out of the lemur goblin known as Frankie Lons.
Everything you need to know about Frankie can be found here. Dr. Drew better tighten his tie, because Frankie will be swinging around that shit like it was a stripper pole by episode two! I also can't wait for the episode when Dr. Drew finds out what happens when you feed Frankie after dark.
Even though Celebrity Rehab can shoot an entire season with just Frankie, she will have some company. Sadly, the Empress of Lucite is not in the cast, but this is for the best. Shauna really doesn't want to break the hearts of a bunch of crackheads when they fall in love with her at first sight, which they will. Shauna cares too much to put someone through that.
Frankie's supporting cast will include: Janice Dickinson, Jason "They Forced Me To Smoke Crack" London, Gummi Bear, Jason Wahler from Laguna Beach, Leif Garrett and Tiger Woods' #1 mistress whore Rachel Uchitel.
Yes, Janice and Frankie in the same house together. This is probably not going to end well. A few weeks into shooting, the police will receive a 911 call from the clinic. The cops will arrive at the clinic and find it completely empty except for a camcorder on the floor. When they push play on the camcorder, they'll see Dr. Drew facing a corner with his back to them. Then they will hear Janice and Frankie cackling together before the tape goes to black. Blair Witch doesn't have shit on Frankie or Janice.
(Frankie's beautiful portrait via FreddYo)
This picture of Prince Hot Ginge with an adorable puppy friend at the Canine Partners Training Centre is making my body grow a fallopian tube and ovaries (keep your "TOO LATE" comment in your finger tips). This is like Where the Red Fern Grows with a happy ending.
Every now and again a picture come along that is so perfect that you just want to print out a million copies and throw it through the streets. It's not considered littering, because this is a gift from nature! Shit, I think I'll replace all the flowers in the park with this beautiful shit. I'll climb trees and tell the baby birds to the flap the fuck away so I can stick this picture in their nest. Who needs flowers, sunshine and chirping birds when you have a picture like this?
FINALLY! Here's an edition of "This Is Our Future" that should give all of us hope. When we're all drowning in White Oprah's non-stop delusions, we can calmly close our eyes for the last time knowing that the future will be filled with magical things like blonde mullets, German Pet Shop Boy impersonators, lip-synching Statute of Liberties and a chorus of dancing football players. Yes, the future is going to be every color of gay in the Gayola box. YAY!
And I can come up with about a thousand reasons for why someone would fist Lindsay Lohan in the mug. But anythatfistshouldgetanobelpeaceprize, while everyone in the club cheered and threw a parade for the Mike Tyson of waitresses, Lindsay Lohan Tweeted this message above. A message that might fill your body with endorphins and cause you to send a bouquet of thank you balloons to a waitress you never met! You can sign my name on the card too. I'll give you a ten later.
Early this morning at Voyeur in L.A., Lindsay was sitting at a private booth softly serenading a bottle of Jack Daniels with her acoustic version of Klymaxx's "I Miss You", when a cocktail waitress (who was acting on behalf of the people of the world) delivered an unannounced whooping to her trick face.
Blohan Tweeted that she has no idea why Carvel's future mascot would do such a thing. But Usweekly does! Their source has the story: "The waitress has a history with Doug Reinhardt, and Lohan was hanging out with him. She was jealous, and out of nowhere, the waitress punched her in the face! Doug didn't want any part of it and went to the other side of the booth. Lohan ran out. Lohan went to a party at the nearby Rockstar House -- and ran into the waitress again! Lohan showed up and cried because the waitress was there as well. Some birthday."
So Lindsay Lohan not only got a surprise blow to the face, but it was over a frozen burrito heir who is famous for sucking the crotch crustaceans out of Wonky McValtrex?!
Just when you're about to throw up your hands and shout "FUCK MY LIFE," remember that things could always be worse. You could be Lindsay Lohan.
But you know, Lilo is going to get the last snort! Bitch is probably at the free clinic right now telling them that she's going to need something stiff to soothe the pain in her face from getting punched. Leave it to Lilo to turn a humiliating experience into VICODIN!
Here's a few pictures of Lilo pre-punch (in that denim shit) and post-punch (in the car).
Nerve asked a few Juggalos and Juggalettes including Dirty Byrd (above) to give out sex advice and to also share stories of all the magic that goes on at shows. Below is Dirty Byrd's answer to the question: "What's the craziest thing you've seen at a Juggalo event?"
Oh shit, where do I start? I was at a Miss Juggalette Pageant one night and I saw a girl get onstage and shove a twelve-inch kielbasa up her neden hole. Juggalos can’t dance, you know? So I guess they got to do something. Oh, we call vaginas nedens.
Kielbasa? Was there not a bottle of Faygo around to shove up her neden hole? What kind of Juggalette is she?
This is exactly why the camera was invented. Since I'm on house arrest by order of the British Secret Service and can't even pop a nipple out of my window without getting bangers and mash thrown at me, I am solely relying on pictures to document Prince Hot Ginge's visit to NYC. Today is his final day and he went out with a boom and bang (which is the same sound no-nos make when thinking of PHG) at the Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic on Governors Island. PHG's horse just couldn't take the heat radiating off his fire pit, so it knocked him off and he ended up with his taint staring. It's like the sexy ginge version of the Care Bear Stare! I am totally going to have a body pillow made out of that picture.
You can exhale now, because PHG didn't get hurt. He laughed it off and continued with the game. But you know what I'm most concerned about? Are those people standing in the front even real-life humans who feel actual emotion? Why are they just standing there with plastered smiles on their faces while PHG is flying through the air? I mean, anybody with working genitals would've ripped their chonies off and thrown themselves on the grass to break PHG's fall!
Yes, PHG falling on your body could break your ribs and burst several of your organs. But there's also a good chance that PHG would roll over, see your nekkid ass, think to himself "sure, why not" and then give you a little bit of his ginger glaze. And none of those unfeeling bitches in the front took that chance? You know their genitals are frowning up at them. I know mine are.
Here's more pictures of Prince Hot Ginge riding and tumbling today, along with a few pictures of him at the The Achilles Hope And Possibility Race this morning. Apparently, PHG is flying back to Britain tonight. If you happen to be at the airport when PHG takes off tonight and notice a crazed gay clinging to the wheel of his plane, just drop your eyes while walking to the exit.
Thanks to FourFour for pulling "Diane Horner's Country Hip Hop" out of the urethra of the 1980s, because now I have some new dance moves to show the nurses in the psych ward after bystanders called the men in white coats on me when I performed these same moves in the middle of a HoJos somewhere. I mean, who knew you could do the Running Man WITH a twist? And nobody ever told our asses that you can even add your shoulders (if you want)! Diane is blowing our minds without a condom. Debbie, Heidi, Susan, Jaime (TJ can come sit with me and curl my hair like his) should take this shit to the streets. Every trick would get served!