This Belongs In A Museum

This afternoon, Jennifer Aniston will buy hundreds of copies of each of these tabloids, go home, spread them all over her bed, get nekkid and then roll around on top of them for HOURS. THE JOY! And when she goes to the doctor tomorrow, she'll tell him that the small cuts on her labia came from one of her 50 cats who mistook it for a toy.

As expected, the tabloids gifted us with some amazing headlines and covers this week. According to the tabloids, the cookie dough version of Krystle Carrington is winning this round.

InTouch says that Aniston met Zahara and Shiloh in NYC LAST MARCH (who cares about being timely). OK! says that Aniston and Brad reunited at the buffet line at the telethon for Haiti last week. And Star Magazine says that Brad has already cried on Aniston's chin about his shitty relationship with St. Angie.

I'm going to choose to believe all of this. It's the only way to play.

The Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt may have lost the coveted (not really) Hot Slut of the Year title, but has gone on to do bigger things! The State of New Hampshire must be stuffing their bong with some new shit, because they have named the Three Wolf Moon as the official shirt of NH economic development. Again, will the state officials of New Hampshire please blow smoke this way, because I need to inhale what they're inhaling. Actually, I think I already am (i.e. Three Wolf Moon as Hot Slut of the Year runner-up).

TWM T-Shirt was born to The Mountain Company of Keene, New Hampshire. The dude in the picture above, who heads the Division of Economic Development, thinks that the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt will woo millions of dollars into the state's wallet. Dude told WMUR9, "The Mountain's Three Wolf Moon is a true New Hampshire success story. What started off as a tongue-in-cheek take on a cool T-shirt has resulted in worldwide acclaim for a very creative and growing Granite State business."

I don't think dude actually read the Amazon reviews, because it doesn't sound like he fully understands the power of the Three Wolf Moon. It's not going make New Hampshire's Paypal account burst at the seams. But it will lure thousands of nekkid women to their state border. That being said, this is still magical news.

Today, the Three Wolf Moon is head of New Hampshire's Economic Development. Tomorrow, the Three Wolf Moon will be the head of the WOOOOOOOORLD.

(Thanks Sarah)

Karin Dreijer Andersson, the leader singer of The Knife who currently performs as Fever Ray, won an award in Sweden this weekend and continued to be genuinely weird as fuck (that's a compliment) while accepting it. This is what Nicole Kidman would look like if the planet ever ran out of Botox. It's also what Keith Richards looks like right now.

And it goes without saying, but expect Lady CaCa to cover her face with mounds of silly putty diarrhea at the Grammy Awards next month.

via Heavy

That right there is the luckiest Jennifer Convertible in the world......

Last night in my fair Hamlet, we received a visit from an angel from heaven. The Empress of Lucite glided into town on a lucite chariot (or maybe she flew Frontier Airlines) to sign copies of her contribution to art house cinema at Rick's Cabaret in NYC. Yes, my fellow New Yorkers, that is why all the hos on the stroll took the night off (local holiday) and why every single drugstore was sold out of Wet 'N Wild lip liner.

Since Shauna Sand is my personal Banana Jesus, I thought about going to Rick's to have her bless my copy of the Gone with the Wind of leaked porn tapes, but just thinking about it gave me full body palpitations. So I think it's best if I continue to marvel at her natural beauty from afar. Okay, okay, the truth is the restraining order she has out against me still hasn't expired.

Here's the bubble in my lube at Rick's last night with her ladies-in-waiting.

Despite popular belief, Christopher Walken did come out of his mother's womb as an old man who takes no shit from shit. No, once upon a Three Wolf Moon, Christopher was a young, powdery, hot piece of ass who made the young ladies drop their lace handkerchiefs and reach for the smelling salts. And this picture is proof!

I seriously want to print this out in sepia, put in a locket around my neck and run through the wheat fields with a parasol in hand.

via WOW Report

The next time you are waiting for a train at the Kinokawa's Kishi Station in Japan, you better pay your respects to Tama the Stationmaster Cat by curtsying before her and kissing her paw oh-so gently, because the pussy got a promotion!

Japan Probe brings us the very important news that the train operator officially named Tama as their operating officer in a fancy ceremony the other day. This is the first time in history that a cat has held a high-powered executive level position at a railroad company. This also confirms for the ten millionth time that Japan is made of 100% potent MAGIC!

As the station's operating officer, Tama will continue to supervise her two feline assistants, Miko and Chibi (I'm not making this up). Tama's duties will also include: working a hat like no other bitch can, taking naps frequently, yawning at mice and throwing commuters an IDGAF-look when they try to talk to her. Basically, this pussy accomplishes more in one day than I do in a whole year! This promotion was well-deserved.

And to really seal the deal and further prove her importance, the train operator added a fey feather to her hat. Try not to let your eyes roll out of your head when you see RiRi walking around with a feather in her rooster nest. Bitch stole Tama's look a while ago , and she'll do it again.

Clip of Tama's promotion ceremony below:

Hopefully, Tama spent her bonus money on a catnip 8-ball. Pussy needs to have some fun since she works so damn hard. VIVA TAMA!

(Thanks Yen)

Johnny Weir, the crystal unicorn of the ice, has a reality show premiering on the Sundance Channel (thank you, Robert Redford) tomorrow, and it will definitely make your prostate gland tingle and twitch. And if you're a woman, it will make you grow a prostate gland just so it can tingle and twitch to this. Now you'll know what feeling keeps Tommy Girl up all night.

I mean, the trailer alone made my nipples secrete hummingbird juice, and that usually only happens when I switch to Mah Boo 369 from QVC's Quacker Factory too fast.

via Gawker

If you've been watching the opera known as Jersey Shore, then there's a good chance that when JWoww sashayed onto the screen wearing a blouse that looked like it was hand sewn by Coco Chanel herself, your nipples looked up at you and quoted Liz Lemon by saying, "I want to go to there." Well, now they can go there. Tell them to get their shots first!

JWoww (or "JWOAH" if your name is Joey Russo) has launched a fashion line, and the first item up for sale is the infamous scoopy curtain thing she wore on Jersey Shore. As you can tell from the artist's exquisite rendering, the workmanship is impeccable. If Miss Bimbo was a member of the royal family, she would wear this to every ball.

I will let JWoww's website explain further. The quotation marks are properly placed:

Jenni has created the ultimate in fashionable clothing. She will be reinventing the term "Sexy Sophisticated." Not only will her line be "Edgy" and "Sexy", but it will make people of all ages and body type feel more confident in "the scene." This exclusive line will be limited and custom made to your body type.

…Remember you don't want to be that person at the club that see's someone else wearing the same thing…

Don't even think of making your own bootleg version of this blouse using an after-sex sheet. It will never have JWoww's stamp of approval.

And if you want your baby head chichis to look like there's an imaginary rib spreader between them like JWoww's, just tell the left one that the right one is talking shit about it. They won't want to be near each other after that!

Here's the toast of the Paris fashion scene at a Lakers game last night with her guidette-in-waiting Snooki.

It's been raining chins and ginges for the past week, and it's not going to let up. Every time I blink my eyes, another late-night rumor fucks me in the eye. So I've been stock piling my colon with Conan and Leno bits to serve to you at one sitting (just wipe them off with one of El Pollo Loco wet naps you keep in your desk drawer for this very occasion).

First up is Jimmy Kimmel giving it to Jay Leno without lube last night (clip above). During Jay Leno's 10@10 segment on his show, Jimmy bent Jay over, held on to his chin and rammed him over and over again. Jimmy didn't even spit on his hand and rub first. For those of you on Team Coco (not to be confused with Team CoCo), this was so beautiful that your eye ducts actually filled with authentic tears for the first time in history. Kind of like the time I cried while reading a hate e-mail that said I was a "dumb fucking faggot bitch whore who sucks homeless dick for butt dildo money." It was touchingly beautiful, but then it got me wondering. Would would I need to buy a butt dildo if I had a homeless dick at my disposal? And why would I think a homeless dude had any money? Oh, now I see. That's where the "dumb" part comes in. I've seen the light. Moving on...

TMZ says that Jay has officially taken candy out of a ginge baby's hand and will host The Tonight Show again since Conan has pretty much quit. But another source tells THR that this is lies, and Jay's chin has not signed on the dotted line just yet.

The Daily Beast claims that the peacock has put a wad of cash in Conan's garter belt and now he's free to shake his shit at a different network. According to a source, NBC is buying Conan out and also allowing him to take his act to a different network before his contract expires.

And finally, if you're in the market for a barely used late-night talk show, this is the Craigslist ad for you.

There you go. We're all bloated and full now, so I'll race you to the toilet.

If NBC wants Conan O'Brien out of the 11:35pm slot, they are going to have to move him out with a giant bulldozer (aka Jay Leno's head). In a statement released today, Conan said he refuses to contribute to the slow death of The Tonight Show by agreeing to host it at 12:05am. Conan doesn't think the show will survive if NBC moves it to tomorrow.

Basically, it sounds like Conan is waiting for NBC to admit that they would rather give oral to Jay's chin than give a ginge a chance.

Conan's letter is after the jump. The ginge had me at "People of the Earth." JUMP!