This Belongs In A Museum
I see you darting your eyes between that water bottle and Jon Hamm's peen log to compare their sizes. Would it help if I told you that half of Jon Hamm's tube of Pillsbury rolls is hibernating up into his taint?
The magical thing about Jon's honey-baked Hamm log is that it's always looks like something different. Sometimes it looks like an obese weasel playing peek-a-boo in a bowl of key limes. Sometimes it looks like a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast sliding off of a plate. And while Jon was taking it for a walk yesterday, it looked like a fetus in an ultrasound scan. It's like Jon's dick is always playing a game of charades with us. Jon's piece is truly a lucky woman, because every time she pulls his pants down, she doesn't know if a giant skin pretzel or a curling kielbasa is going to land on her forehead.
And I also threw in some pictures of Jon at an event at the Paley Center yesterday. How many times do you think a trick asked Jon Hamm if she could wipe that white powder off of his face with her chocha.
Never mind that Silver Fox stalker Andy Cohen secretly took this picture while disguised as a potted plant in Anderson Cooper's office, we should all let an extra exhale not that we know that Honey Boo Boo is always watching over Mah Boo. Nobody puts Honey Boo Boo in the corner, except for Mah Boo, because she's kind of distracting.
via The Instagram House of Andy Cohen (Thanks, Ross)
Pour me a cup of hot cocoa, because I butt birthed out a peppermint-flavored marshmallow just from looking at this cover of Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta's new holiday album of music. This is what it would look like if the meaning of plastic surgery and the meaning of gay became conjoined twins. Everything about this piece of art is a work of true beauty and let's analyze it all:
1. The Christmas tree in the background! That tree dimmed its lights, because it wanted to give all the attention to the sparkly twinkles in John and Olivia's eyes that only show up when they join fabulous forces by touching heads.
2. The teacups, which are pissed off, because they aren't the most precious things in this picture.
3. Olivia's face, which has gone from looking like that of a human's to that of a plastic Thundercat's.
4. The thing on John Travolta's head, which has replaced the pink fairy princess tiara as the gayest headpiece in the world. They must've shot this picture in the middle of a freezer, because I can't believe that Sharpie puddle on John's head isn't melting from the heat he and Olivia are making. I've seen cartoon hair that looks more life-like and real than John's spray-on helmet. How many Caltrans workers did it take to paint that pristine hairline? That hairline might be the straightest thing about John.
AND NineMSN says that my new favorite Christmas album feature a guest spot by BARBARA STREISAND! I love it when the punchlines punch themselves.
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
If you can name 8 out of the 10 legendary jewels of television in the picture above, then yes you're old, but that's a good thing, because that means you got to see the fondue cheese flowing the veins of the late 80s that was Full House. Kimmy Gibler (!!!!!!), DJ Tanner, Uncle Jesse, Danny Tanner, Aunt Becky, Stephanie Tanner, DJ's boyfriend Steve, Joey and Full House's creators all reunited yesterday to celebrate the show that is hopefully getting them (especially Kimmy) a six-figure syndication check every month. The pledge the Olsens made to their maker Lucifer forbids them from being around a bunch of smiles, and the Full House hos smile A LOT, so those glum trolls couldn't make it. More coke for everyone else!
Kimmy Gibbler and DJ Tanner both tweeted (via People) pictures from their reunion and the only people missing besides the Trollsens were Mr. Bear, Teddy and Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesse's mop-headed twin boys who I'm pretty sure grew up to become Camilla and Rebecca Rosso.
These pictures are already soul-creaming, but they went all the way by posting a video of DJ and Kimmy singing into a flower mic to New Kids. If you think I was joking about that coke comment, just look at that stretched out, ratchet quality video you have to watch while tipping your head all the way to the left. Everyone involved was on coke and I'm sure Danny Tanner sat them all down to let them know the dangers of snorting coke while operating a video phone and a flower mic.
At one of the HMVs in London, a Chris Brown hater threw yards of shade at him by throwing a warning label on his album "Fortune." The warning label should've read "WARNING: This shit music will make you feel like you've been punched in the ear drums," but instead it tells customers to not support a lady beater by buying his CD. Gigwise (via ONTD) thinks a group of anti-domestic violence activists came up with this pricelessness and also slapped these stickers on other Fist Brown albums at other HMVs around London. Fist Brown hasn't responded to this, but when he does, I'm sure it'll look something like this: ARRRRGHHHARGGGGGHHHHHARRRRRGHHH!
I'm all for this, because I'm all for warning labels being on everything. We don't have enough warning labels in this world. This same label should be on every Sean Penn movie and ever DVD with Charlie Sheen in it. There should also be a label on every Ke$hit CD warning you that listening to that mess will make you want to cut your ears off with a dull kitchen knife. There should be a label on every True Blood DVD warning you that looking at a shirtless ASkars might force you to run to the nearest Ikea to hump on a plate of Swedish meatballs. There should be a label on this site warning you that if you read at least one post, brain cells will trickle out of your nose and you'll suddenly have an unnatural craving for dick cheese. Warning labels on everything!
If one of my relatives handed me this magazine before saying "I got my first cover!", I'd grab it, frame it with the finest frame Aaron Brothers had to offer and hang it with pride right over my fireplace (aka radiator). Every time someone (aka my dealer or the Fresh Direct guy) came over, I'd brag about the jewel of my family by showing them the cover. Then after I eventually learned the truth and found out my family member's on the cover of "Where" magazine and not "Whore" magazine, I'd rip it off the wall and throw it into the trash where it belongs. Then I'd curse the art director at Where magazine for fucking with my emotions.
Every now and again I ask myself if there's a God, because every night I pray for God to make vodka come out of my bathroom faucet and to bless the Internet and my soul with naked pictures of Prince Hot Ginge. God has never made my wishes come true until now, sort of. Who knew that God would use TMZ to show me that he exists. I never thought I'd type this, but thank God for TMZ, thank God for Las Vegas, thank God for the
MGM Grand Wynn, thank God for camera phones, thank God for booze, thank God for bad decision making and thank God for down river trash skanks who are shameless enough to sell almost naked pictures of The Queen's grandson to the highest bidder. Thank God for all of that!
For Prince Hot Ginge, what happens in Vegas, ends up in the fap material folder on my desktop. PHG is taking the drunken foolery to whole new levels in Vegas and on Friday night, he and his friends went to the casino at the
MGM Grand Wynn, picked up some tricks and brought them back up to his suite to play a game of naked billiards that ended up with some dry butt fucking. Oh, I forget to thank God for billiard tables and for cue sticks.
The pictures are really blurry and it could be Samantha Ronson with a ginger dye job for all I know, but I'm going to choose to believe. Plus, I'm really easy. If you sent me pictures of a dirty orange Croc lying on the sidewalk and wrote "IT'S PRINCE HARRY NAKED!!!!" as your subject, I'd find a way to fap to that.
And somewhere in Buckingham Palace, The Queen has summoned Prince William to tell him that he's no longer second in line for the throne. Then she'll bring up these pictures on her bedazzled iPhone and say that THIS is the future of the monarchy!
Every now and again I'll make jokes about how doing acting stuff is so easy a Hilton can do it, but I take it all back. Acting is the hardest job in the entire world and now I know that thanks to future Emmy winner Ryan Lochte.
Access Hollywood showed a clip of Ryan "acting" in an upcoming episode of 90210 and his performance is so riveting that rocks are jealous, because they wish they could be that stiff and emotionless. But the thing that really changed my mind about acting was the answer that dribbled out of Ryan's mouth when Access Hollywood's Laura Saltman (whose eyeballs keep drifting down to his nipples) asked him, "What was the hardest part for you about it?" Ryan's answer is the same answer Anthony Hopkins gave when he was asked the same question on Inside the Actors Studio:
"Memorizing lines and trying to, like, say 'em and still, like, do movement and all that. That was hard."
I didn't think it was possible to love Ryan Lochte more, but I do. I mean, Ryan said in so many words that walking and talking at the same time is hard.
The Learning Channel outdid themselves last night when they showed us every angle of every sparkle in the crown diamond on top of western civilization's crown. I was all ready to feel my soul slip out of my asshole while watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but a strange thing happened, I loved every messy second of it from the family constantly talking about farting to the family saving money by buying ole' stale baked goods at a food auction so they can afford to spend thousands of dollars on Honey Boo Boo Chile's tacky ass pageant crap. The whole show was like if a bunch of juggalos put on a play called Anna Nicole Smith: The Early Years. This is WHY we have nice things, Amurica!
6-year-old beauty queen Honey Boo Boo Chile is supposed to be the superstar of the show, but the real star of the show, besides Glitzy the gay pig, is Mama June and her hundreds of chins that look like Jabba the Hutt's foreskin. 32-year-old Mama June is married (I think) to 40-year-old Sugar Bear and together they have 4 daughters: Honey Boo Boo, 12-year-old Pumpkin, 15-year-old Chubbs and 17-year-old Chickadee who is knocked up. I'll wait here as you turn inside out from grossness after figuring out that Mama June and Sugar Bear made Chickadee when she was 15 and he was 23.
There are so many eloquent quotes from last night's 2 episode premiere that I just want to put on microfiche and get surgically embedded into my heart, but here's just a few that I'm hoping will be put into a book of poetry so our grandchildren's grandchildren can study it and write 10,000 word essays about it in college. This is how I like my poetry.
"You have to take pride in how you look. Granted, I ain't the most beautimous out the box, but a little paint on this barn, shine it back to its original condition. Cause it shines up like it's brand new." - Mama June
"There are some broke down people out there. Please, women, that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous. You don't see my shit hanging all out. My damn three bellies. There's girls bigger than me and they've got them bikinis on that literally they eatin' the bikini. Their body is just eatin' it like SLURP!" - Mama June
"If a person farts 12 to 15 times a day then they're healthy, so I guess my girls are healthy in that respect." - Mama June
"There's a lot of people that are bigger than me. They got five hundred chins. I only got about two or three, but I embrace it." - Mama June
"That's a girl name, Glitzy. We're going to make it a girl pig, so he's going to be a little gay. Yes, it is gay, because we're making it a girl pig and it's a boy pig." - Honey Boo Boo Chile
"It's called a 'biscuit' cause it looks like a biscuit. Ya know, when it opens up and um.... You know, it does. It looks like a biscuit. If you look at a biscuit and if it's cooked right, you know, like in, like a, like Hardee's or something, you can..." - Mama June
And if you pull up to a Hardee's every morning before work to order a biscuit, think of Mama June's "biscuit" when you bite into that.