Crackheads

(Warning: clear your throat before you read the first part) 15-year-old Ali Lohan isn't enrolled in regular school, because she's a full-time student at UCWB (University of Crack Whore Behavior). UCWB's Dean of Famehowhoring, Professor Blohan, has taken little Ali under her raggedy wing to mentor her in what's really important in life: PARTYING.

Life & Style reports that since White Oprah is mostly passed out in the lap of some trucker she picked up the night before, Blohan has been taking care of her younger sister. The two have been doing regular sister bonding activities like smoking and boozing club until dawn. I'm not being sarcastic, that really is a good way for sisters to bond. Hell, it's a good way for everyone to bond. Seriously, if your dog is giving you the silent treatment and throwing you shade, just take that bitch to the local club. By the end of the night, you'll be the second coming of Turner & Hooch!

One witness who was at L.A.'s Crown bar when Blohan and her apprentice were there said, “Lindsay didn’t coddle her or anything. They partied until after 1 a.m., and she treated Ali as if she were just one of her friends at the club with her." And another nosy bitch added, “Both of them were smoking like chimneys and dancing around.”

When Life & Style asked Michael Lohan about this, he didn't seem to be worried, “I’m glad Lindsay and Ali remain so close." Yes, Ali Lohan yacking up Alize in a urinal while Blohan kicks at her to hurry up really is a touching picture of sisterly love. Again, I'm not being sarcastic.

And before you start wondering how Ali is getting into these clubs, take a good look at her. Would you card a face like that? Exactly.

Here's the greatest older sister in the world (once again, not sarcasm) heading straight for the gutter in NYC last night.

Before LiLo was a cracked out piece of beef jerky who is more famous for bringing the fuckery than her acting career, she was just a girl in junior high school who always dreamed of being in the tabloids. Yes, this is me gently tapping your asshole with the "DUH FUCKING DUH" stick.

In an interview with Access Hollywood, LiLo says that she's fine with the media sniffing on her ass lips (smells like wet cigarettes, creamed corn and generic collagen) and all the time, because it's what she's always wanted. She said, “Everyone goes through tough times and the second that I decided I wanted to be in front of the camera … I think I’ve always kind of aspired to be like Britney Spears in the tabloids when I was in middle school. It’s kind of something you sign up for in the beginning and if you really want it, you know that comes with it."

See, dreams really do come true! We should tell little girls everywhere that if they want to grow up to be famewhores, they can easily do it with just a few sniffs of the bad shit and a few flashes of their chocharonies. If LiLo can achieve it, anybody can!

Here's LiLo stripping on the streets of SoHo yesterday afternoon.

While some of you are still sleeping and the rest of us are trying to wake the hell up by pinching our nipples and snorting coffee beans whole, Blohan is Tweeting. Or should I say she's freebase Tweeting. Whenever I write about celebwhores fighting on Twitter, I feel like I'm taking us all back to the cafeteria. This shit is just like junior high. Well, if we all went to junior high school in a crackhouse.

It seems that Blohan's crotch is burning up for a different reason this morning. I'm not completely fluent in Crackanese just yet, so I'm not sure what the hell she's trying to say. Can Courtney Love translate?

Basically, SamRo is a cheat, error-maker and "self-out" who thinks Blohan is gross and ruins "ANYTHI." Did I get that part right, at least? And who is SUBSTANISAN?! Is he hot? Really, I don't even know, but this shit is entertaining.

Here's Blohan leaving Waverly Inn last night just a few hours before she gave us "soooooo much insight" on Twitter this morning.

To say that Amy Wino has an addictive personality is an understatement. I mean, Wino gets the hongaries in a major way for crack, ice pops, horse hair, ballet slippers.....and Blaaaaake's peen (UGH). Wino and Blaaaake are officially divorced, but apparently she's not officially over his scab-covered limpy cock. And Wino's daddy has witnessed this. At least that's what a source tells The Sun.

Apparently, Wino's bodyguards told Mitch that Blaaake was in her bed. Mitch stormed upstairs and immediately threw the trash into the gutter. The source said, "Mitch hates the fact he's reappeared - it's making him ill. It'll force him into an early grave. Blake begged Mitch not to hit him when he chucked him out. Mitch was absolutely furious, he still is. He can't believe Blake has wormed his way back into his daughter's life. Just when she's starting to sort herself out, the man responsible for dragging her into the gutter is crawling back into her life. Mitch is praying history doesn't repeat itself."

I'm going to choose to believe that Wino is not injecting her poon with Blaaake's peen needle full-time. Like us, Wino is probably sick of her daddy blabbing to the press about her personal shit. She figured that the quickest way to shut him up is for him to catch her doing gross shit on Blaaaake. Because watching Wino and Blaaaaake bump fuck parts will make almost anybody go blind, deaf and mute! Obviously, it didn't work on Daddy Wino this time. Damn.

When I downloaded these pictures of White Oprah Sr. in NYC yesterday, my laptop immediately crashed. It knew that there was really nothing more to say about this mess. I mean, not only is LiLo standing in front of a gay bar I once got kicked out of for giving a handjob to some dude wearing a toupee (it was a dark time in my life), but she still looks like a Southeastern lot lizard circa 1987. AND let's not get into the power bottom ass lips on her face or her glittermeister friend's Jackie Collins-approved bedroom slippers. Let's do it like my laptop and shut it all down!

Kate Moss, her daughter Lila Grace and Lily Allen are currently tramping through St. Tropez. While they are there, Kate Moss is training Lily Allen so that she too can have the body of a cokey supermodel. Closer Magazine (via Daily Mail) says that Lily asked Kate for diet advice, because she wanted to know how to keep the chunk off. Um. Lily could have just watched Kate's "workout video" for tips.

A source said that Kate told Lily that she needs to go on the "Rock Chick Diet" (aka the Three Cs and 1 V diet) which involves ingesting nothing but coffee, ciggie smoke, vodka and champagne! Fuck, that cookie diet shit. The RC Diet sounds like just the thing for me.

Let's see, when you roll out of bed at around 4 in the afternoon, instead of eating a bowl of Cheerios, you slurp down a bowl of vodka. Instead of eating some toast, you light up a ciggie and smoke while you're pinching your nipples to prepare them for a day full of topless sunbathing. Then while you're feeding your vampire boyfriend a bottle filled with blood, you can enjoy a cup of coffee WITH NO LECHE (that will make you fat). For the rest of the day, you continue to walk around with a fag in your mouth (just like Tommy Girl) and a sippy cup of either vodka or champagne in your hand at all times.

And.....Kate mysteriously left out one of the other very important Cs in her diet. Kate forgot to say that you must do your "nostril exercises" at least twice an hour. And instead of brushing your teefs with Colgate, use Cokegate instead. VOILA! There you go! It won't be long before Kate is dishing out her tips to middle America on Oprah.

Picture this: Ryan O'Neal is at Farrah Fawcett's funeral, scoping out the situation and seeing what's sexy, when a woman comes up to hug him. Ryan immediately turns to her and says, "Hey, sweet cheeks. Who's your daddy?" And the woman responds, "You are. No, seriously, you are. Like seriously. You're my father." This is basically the story Ryan O'Neal told Vanity Fair in their newest issue. Yes, because hitting on a piece at the "love of your life's" funeral isn't skeezy enough, Ryan had to hit on his own daughter and tell the public-at-large about it. While Papa Joe nods in approval and gives a peens up to Ryan, the rest of us are shaking our heads to keep the dry heaves from becoming wet.

Ryan told Vanity Fair (via HuffPo), "I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me. I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me--Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick."

Ryan O'Neal touched me inappropriately with that quote. Seriously, you know that "This is your brain on drugs" PSA? They can redo that shit and use a picture of Ryan instead of a pan filled with fried eggs. Ryan O'Neal is fried eggs. I mean, if you can't even recognize your own daughter, it's time to pull the sheets over your head and take a nap. Your booze and bad stuff privileges have been temporarily revoked!

When Vanity Fair asked Tatum about it, she sighed, "That's our relationship in a nutshell. You make of it what you will. It had been a few years since we'd seen each other, and he was always a ladies' man, a bon vivant."

HoHan got herself a new fried peroxide mop of straw and she also got herself a new job that pays actual money! Yes, her dealer doesn't have to report her to the collection agency of his choice, because it looks like that bill is going to get paid!

And this job doesn't involve making milkshakes or hawking tan phlegm. No, HoHan landed a role in Robert Rodriguez's next movie Machete. She Twattered the news yesterday. Hopefully for her, this one isn't going to premiere on a Saturday at 2am on Public Access or go directly to a Dollar Tree discount bin.

The movie starts filming in Austin in 2 weeks. According to IMDB, this is the plot:

"Federale Machete is hired by some unsavory types to assassinate a senator. But just as he's about to take the shot, he notices someone aiming at him and realizes he's been set up. He barely survives the sniper's bullet, and is soon out for revenge on his former employers, with the reluctant assistance of his old friend, who has become a priest and taken a vow of nonviolence. If you hire him to take out the bad guys, make sure the bad guys aren't you!"

This shit also stars Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez. Robert DeNiro, Jonah Hill and Steven Seagal are still in talks to take a role. And yes, Michelle Rodriguez and HoHan on the same film set. Austin is going to run out of the bad shit and someone's vagina lip is going to get torn in a freak coochie bumping accident. It's inevitable.

Here's HoHan trolling around yesterday and also some pictures of her and SamRo being trash outside of 7-Eleven on Thursday. HoHan says that she went back to blonde for the movie role. So I'm guessing she's playing White Oprah in this shit?

The crazy house doors swung open and Mischa Barton skipped on out so that she could go fly to NYC to begin work The Beautiful Life. She plays a pill-loving supermodel on the show. It was over a week ago that Mischa was put on Code Cheeto (aka a 5150) after she had a meltdown after watching her performance in a few episodes of The O.C. NO. Some say Mischa danced too much with the bad shit and it effed with her brains. It was probably just research for her show. RESEARCH: The Tatum O'Neal excuse!

Mischa's rep has never said what the real reason for Mischa's hospitalization was, but he did say, "I can confirm that she's left the hospital with the intention to resume production."

Here's Mischa with that fresh rehab bloat leaving LAX with her doggy friend yesterday and also smoking in SoHo last night. And she's smiling! Although, that might just be the medication at work. I know that when someone catches my grouchy ass smiling, I just say, "It's the medication! The medication! It's an awful awful side effect of the meds. Ignore it."

Amy Wino has knocked the crack demon off her back (that's what they say) and is doing better, but that hasn't stopped her ex-husband Blaaaaaake from blabbing about the time she almost went off to the great big crackhouse in the sky (or maybe it's further south?). Blaaaake, who is still selling out Wino for a check, said she pretty much died one night a few years back. Just another day in the life......

The year was 2006 and Wino wanted to celebrate the success of her album Back to Black. Celebrating for Wino meant going on a 3-day binge where she swallowed pubs whole and ate entire crackhouses. Blaaake said that on the night of day 3, he put her to bed, because she had not slept at all. That's when Wino started to do the infamous crackie shimmy. Blaaake told The Sun, "It was nearly midnight and I'd finally got her upstairs. We were sitting on the bed. Her eyes suddenly went blank. She started having a fit on the bed. She slid down on to the floor before I could stop her. She started quivering again and it suddenly grew into what seemed like a full-blown epileptic fit."

Just a quick question. Was Maryann from True Blood in the room by chance?

Blaaaaake was afraid Wino might bite her tongue right off, so he pulled it out of her mouth and gave her mouth-to-mouth. Yeah, I'm not a doctor nor do I play one on cable TV, but I'm sure Blaaaake was just breathing more of the bad shit into her body. You know his ass was not sober like a fetus. In fact, he was probably so fucked up himself that he accidentally blew air into her nose instead.

Blaaake went on to say, "I held her to me - and I thought she was dying in my arms... I couldn't bear for her to die in front of me."

And by "her," he meant his checking account and bad shit supplier.

Wino was rushed to the hospital where the nurses threw up their hands, screamed "CODE WINO" and then fed her ice pops, washed her crackhive in Pedialyte and called in the local priest to perform another crackorcism on her. Wino recovered and was released. Rinse and repeat!