Crackheads

Daisy de la Whora, star of Vh1's Rock of Love 2 and Daisy of Love, reportedly went a little overboard with an unknown substance. TMZ says that paramedics were called to a house in the Hollywood Hills last night for a "possible overdose."

When they arrived to help that trick out, Ducky Face apparently started acting the fool by screaming and thrashing around. Several medics had to band together to get her crazy and possibly drugged-out ass into an ambulance. Daisy isn't going to be back in party mode by this weekend, because her agent postponed all her scheduled appearances.

I think Daisy also might have overdosed a couple of days ago when she said this about Ambre winning Rock of Love 2 over her, "I don't think I can compare Ambre to Angelina Jolie, so no. I would be the Angelina Jolie, and she would be Jennifer Aniston!" Yes, the bad shit was definitely involved in the making of that comment.

Daisy is a piping hot plastic wreck. Do we need to send Heather to beat some sense into Daisy? Because Heather will put on her fightin' headscarf and do it all over again. Classic clip below:

You can't keep a good drunktard down! A couple of days ago, Wino collapsed in St. Lucia, because that's what she does on a daily basis. We call it "passing the fuck out," she calls it "taking a sweet sweep nap." And her spokeswhore calls it "dehydration." After Wino kissed the floor, she was taken to the hospital, but was released a quick minute later. The Sun says that Wino went straight from her IV drip to the bottle. Wino was seen replenishing her fluids at a bar at the Le Sport resort.

Well, it is a scientific fact that booze cures the thirsties, cleanses your organs, kills germs and makes baby kittens smile. So this is just what the doctor ordered! Speaking of, I feel like I'm going to need an Emergen-C-tini soon. This morning, I woke up feeling like I might have the sicks in a bad way. Don't say the OINK word.....

Here's the Crackie Kid showing off her moves with her bodyguard yesterday. Crack off, crack on!

What in two dollahs for a blow job Hell is going on in these pictures? I feel like I stumbled onto an escort's ad on Craigslist. I feel like the text "Naturaly...sweet hottie I'll give that 'ultimate experience' you'll never forget.. 100 Percent REAL PiCS.... 100 Percent ME! DONT MiSS OUT!! SIXTY 15 1HUNDRED HH 1FIFTY HR" should accompany these pictures.

These are some pictures of our little HoHan taken in a hotel room just before the FBI busted in and arrested her for solicitation. You can watch it all unfold on a special episode of Dateline NBC next week. No, HoHan posed like she was workin' it for an 8-ball just before she hosted a party at Tribe in Montreal. Hey, a bitch has got to make that money, I guess. Peddle that no-ass.

The paps say that while she was leaving the club, a dude grabbed her titty and then she fell on the floor. From starring in a movie with Jane Fonda to THIS? Get your exquisite lucite heels ready, HoHan. The Rock of Love Bus is about to pull up.

The island of Maui is still getting violated by HoHan and company. Yesterday, HoHan actually bathed herself in some tide pool with her sister Benjamina Button and other friends. HoHan also made friends with an island dog! Well, it was a one-sided friendship. Methinks he was just waiting for the greasy bone to stop moving so he could bite into it. Luckily, he didn't get his chance or he'd be spitting out dried crack fungus and fan tan smegma for the rest of the week.

I know I keep saying that HoHan looks like her diet consists of coke balls, Red Bull, nicotine and Juciy Fruit, but does she really look that beat? I mean, yes she's a crack hit away from looking like a post-Blaaaake Wino and I can count all her rib bones without my contacts on, but is it that bad? Take a good look. A good look...... Okay it is. Now I know why we eat food.

Here's more of my own, my love, my precioussssssssss in Hawaii.

Just slip a pair of platform flip-flops on HoHan and she'd look exactly like a sun-damaged day-shift hooker trying to trade handjobs for a gram outside of a Super 8 in Gainesville, FL. I mean, what is going on here? What is she doing? Why is just lying on someone's lawn? They need to turn on the sprinklers to wash down her skank. Maybe the cold water will also wake up her narcoleptic tittays, because they are OUT.

Over the weekend, HoHan took a break from her oh-so stressful life to get in a few photo-ops in Maui with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and some friends. Homegirl needs to take herself to a luau (just don't eat the pig), because her flat back beaver tail ass has a serious case of the hongries! Bitch's ass is trying to devour her bikini bottoms. Give it some pineapple or a macadamia nut or something.

As if Amy Wino couldn't get even more naturally beautiful, she's now sporting a beauty mark on her leg. A beauty mark that probably matches an open wound on Wonky McValtrex's vag lips.

Wino's spokeswhore blamed the burn on a rogue crack pipe boiling pot of pasta. Apparently, Wino was trying to do some cooking shit in St. Lucia when a pot accidentally tipped over and sprayed her leg with hot water. Wino's got enough of the bad shit in her system, so she just shrugged it off, snorted some of the dead skin and went on with her life.

Looking at that shit is making my nails crack, but Wino hardly feels any pain! A source told The Sun she's going around the island like nothing, “Amy’s wounds looked so painfully sore — she really should cover them up or get herself under an umbrella. They were covered in sand too. We couldn’t believe she wasn’t keeling over in pain.” Yeah, well, it's a scientific fact that a river full of crack running through your veins kills pain!

Every time I see nasty wounds like this, I always want to pour rubbing alcohol over it to watch it sizzle and crack. I bet if I did that to Wino, that shit would light up and everyone in the room would instantly be riding on a white cloud from the contact high.

It seems like all the crack, heroin, freon, battery acid and (insert every drug name here), didn't kill Blaaaaaaake's sperm, because the dude has possibly created a fetus. That's what a 31-year-old jobless heroin addict and mother of 2 claims. Child Protective Services please stand by. You will be needed in 3...2...

Gilleen Morris has told The News of the World that she is six weeks pregnant with Blaaake's baby. Amy Wino's husband began putting his crack pipe in Gilleen's heroin box last February after they met in rehab. They did gross and unprotected things together for about three weeks until they were caught. That's when the nastiness ended. Gilleen said she never knew this would happen. HOW IZ BABEHZ GETS MADE?

Gilleen said Blaaake only talked about Wino a few times and said he was never going back to her.

Shortly after they started doing fucky times together (the visual makes cockroaches barf), Gilleen found out she was knocked up. When Gilleen got out of the rehab, she went to the doctor and he confirmed that she was carrying a dragon chasing baby! When she told Blaaaake the news, at first he said "OH FUCK" and then he said he would help her raise their child. Such sweet poetry, right?

Gilleen's first instinct was to get an abortion, but isn't sure what to do now after hearing Blaaaake would support her. The heroin head said, "Life as single mum wouldn't be good. I raised two kids before as a single mum and it was very tough. I'm older now, but every day is a challenge to stay off heroin. Once I've met Blake again face to face I'll decide what to do. He's too young to settle down, but if he could be a good parent that's something different. It would be good for him. Having a child gives you a new outlook on life. You see things differently. Blake would want to protect the baby. It could help beat his drug problems."

What in the fuck?! Does she think she's going to give birth to Dr. Drew or some shit?! Babies don't cure crackheads! If anything they make that shit worse. Babies want to make you hit the bad shit with all their crying and pooping! She should know. She has two kids already and still a junked-up twat.

Nothing good can come from this! Gilleen could very well give birth to a giant mole filled with heroin! Then Wino will come and snort it up! Or worse, Gilleen and Blaaaaake will try to raise the poor baby! Eventually, they would try to sell it for an 8-ball! Vadge needs to adopt it. That's the only way.

There's also a good chance that a) she's not knocked up (crackheads tend to lie for a quick buck) or b) (read this in your best Maury Povo voice) Blaaaake isn't even the father!!!

I guess Blohan did the wrong shit one day and got the crazy idea to buy the film rights to Stevie Nicks' life story as a vehicle for herself. Like Blo really has the cash to buy that shit. You can't buy the rights to someone's life story with a half-snorted bag of coke and a Red Bell can. Well, maybe Stevie would've accepted that offer back in the early 80s, but not today!

When asked by UsWeekly what she thought about Blo playing her in a movie, Stevie said, "Over my dead body. She needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip. Then maybe we'll talk."

Stevie totally crushed Blo's dreams which caused her to grab a straw and snort 'em up!

Now this isn't such a fucked-up idea! I mean, Blohan is a little too old in the face to even play Stevie today, but after the make-up hos from BENJAMIN BUTTON'S get their hands on her mug, she could totally pull it off. Stevie practically lived on a mountain made of sugar back in the day, so all you gotta do is throw a shawl over Blohan and VOILA!

And since Blohan really wants to make the worst movie ever by casting herself as Stevie Nicks, she should go all the way! Heather Mills IS Christine McVie. Joaquin Phoenix IS Lindsey Buckingham. James Haven IS Mick Fleetwood (he has the crazy eyes). Billy Bob Thornton IS John McVie. I'll stop there before a pitchfork-wielding mob of Fleetwood Mac superfans storm my door.

This piece of Orange Sesame Chicken that was left under the heat lamp too long is really sad-like, because she got d-d-d-d-d-umped and instead of going to talk to a mental health professional inside of a rehab clinic, she's yapping to UsWeekly! Hey, they are the next best thing.

In an interview that sounds like it was written by piecing together Facebook statuses, Blohan says she is "humiliated" and in "absolute hell" after SamRo quit her ass last Friday. Hum. "Humiliated" and "in absolutely hell" is the same way I felt after watching I Know Who Killed Me.

The night SamRo broke up with Blo was also the same night she hired five security guards to keep her out of a JCPenney party. Blohan says it was the worst night of her life. Blo went on chirp, "I'm not a bad person and this is what happens. "I was raised to treat people well, and I'm so tired of this drama. Everyone's turned on me."

By "everyone", Blo means Nicole Richie and Drea de Matteo (aka Ade from The Sopranos). The night of the JCPenney party (I love that it all went down at an event for Penney's), Nicole said "UCK" when Blohan walked by and Drea said "Come at me, bitch!" AHAHAHAHAHAHA! When a bitch from fucking Joey and a skank troll who is famous for nothing thinks they are hotter shit than you, it's time to pack up your Toyota Tercel and drive far far far away from Hollywood. There's a commune in Montana with Blo's name on it. COME AT ME, BITCH! Drea has been watching a lot of Vh1! What else does she have to do?

Blo said that night felt like Mean Girls all over again, "I'm a fucking 22-year-old girl who's in love. I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie." But was Blohan wearing hoop earrings?! Because that's Regina's thing. She better not have been wearing hoop earrings.

UsWeekly asked Blo about the rumors that she threatened to kill herself after she got dumped, Blo laughed it off, "I'm just really hurt! The whole situation is sick."

You know what's sick? The fact that she's pouring her cokey-covered emotions to a fucking celebrity magazine! This is what happens when you snort your career away and have a crack pipe for a mother! Boo fucking hoo. Blo just needs to have a little conversation with Drew Barrymore, because she's already been to that rodeo. And then she needs to kick her mother in the crotch bone for pushing her ass down this road.

Come at me, BITCH!

Remember when Courtney Love was traipsing the streets of Beverly Hills with hundreds of "important financial documents" screaming about how someone stole all her money. You know, she was yammering on and on about magical evil trolls that snuck into her wallet and robbed her of millions of dollars. Well, the First Lady of Batshit Crazy got a lawyer to believe her. Yeah, a lawyer will tell you whatever you want to hear as long as you keep that retainer warm and full.

One of Courtney's lawyers told Page Six that a team of investigators and forensic accountants found out that thieves stole around $30 million in cash and $500 million in real estate from Kurt Cobain's estate. Court's lawyer, Scooby Doo, said, "We will be filing civil cases . . . within the next 30 days. There are many, many millions missing. We've only been able to track down $30 million, but there is more. And then there is the real estate. There is now a web of homes which were bought, flipped and used to launder money -- up to $500 million worth. Any of the property we can get back will be donated to people who have lost their homes in foreclosures."

Courtney said she noticed she was broke when all the money was gone. Yeah, that'll happen if you take up permanent residence inside a crack pipe. Court's lawyer said that when she found out she had no more money, she hired people to look into it. The authorities are also involved. Scooby went on to say, "When Mr. Cobain died in 1994, he left his enormously wealthy estate behind for the benefit of his mother, two sisters, a brother, his wife and young daughter. Many of those [involved with] the estate's coffers mismanaged, stole and outright looted it shamelessly."

SPOILER ALERT: You know where all that money went? Up her motherfucking nose! Just like that. Court's nose even knew it was doing some shady shit, so it disguised itself to look like Jacko's penis head. Lock it up.

And I hope this goes to trial eventually, because think of all the amazing moments Court will create on the stand! She will put the loons in all my favorite afternoon court shows to SHAME!