Crackheads

Remember when Courtney Love was traipsing the streets of Beverly Hills with hundreds of "important financial documents" screaming about how someone stole all her money. You know, she was yammering on and on about magical evil trolls that snuck into her wallet and robbed her of millions of dollars. Well, the First Lady of Batshit Crazy got a lawyer to believe her. Yeah, a lawyer will tell you whatever you want to hear as long as you keep that retainer warm and full.

One of Courtney's lawyers told Page Six that a team of investigators and forensic accountants found out that thieves stole around $30 million in cash and $500 million in real estate from Kurt Cobain's estate. Court's lawyer, Scooby Doo, said, "We will be filing civil cases . . . within the next 30 days. There are many, many millions missing. We've only been able to track down $30 million, but there is more. And then there is the real estate. There is now a web of homes which were bought, flipped and used to launder money -- up to $500 million worth. Any of the property we can get back will be donated to people who have lost their homes in foreclosures."

Courtney said she noticed she was broke when all the money was gone. Yeah, that'll happen if you take up permanent residence inside a crack pipe. Court's lawyer said that when she found out she had no more money, she hired people to look into it. The authorities are also involved. Scooby went on to say, "When Mr. Cobain died in 1994, he left his enormously wealthy estate behind for the benefit of his mother, two sisters, a brother, his wife and young daughter. Many of those [involved with] the estate's coffers mismanaged, stole and outright looted it shamelessly."

SPOILER ALERT: You know where all that money went? Up her motherfucking nose! Just like that. Court's nose even knew it was doing some shady shit, so it disguised itself to look like Jacko's penis head. Lock it up.

And I hope this goes to trial eventually, because think of all the amazing moments Court will create on the stand! She will put the loons in all my favorite afternoon court shows to SHAME!

Blohan confirmed that her cokey-tale romance with SamRo has dried up for now. Blohan said she wants to focus on herself. If she focused on herself even more she'd turn into a pussy pimple version of White Oprah, so that's not something I'd recommend.

Anyway, while Blo is "focusing on herself," the Ronsons are focusing to keep the crazy out of their lives. OK! Magazine says that yesterday evening SamRo's family went down to the Beverly Hills police station to ask about getting a restraining order against Blo.

Charlotte, SamRo's sister, apparently told the cops, "She was trying to get into my party this weekend. We had to tell security to keep her out. Then she booked a room at the Chateau Marmont. Her room was right below... She also followed our brother Mark around."

SamRo's mama je'e added in a really dramatic voice, "Lindsay was doing drugs. And we could not sleep that night at the Chateau. She was complaining about the music and noise coming from upstairs. She was trying to get attention, so that Sam could come down. She cuts herself too. She is a cutter! (insert swelling and dramatic violin music here)”

The Ronsons were told that they had to go down to the court to petition for a restraining order.

It's all fun and cokey until someone turns into a pink-wig-wearing Brit Brit. If White Oprah and Michael Lohan pulled their heads out of their own fat pussies, they could probably handle this bitch Intervention-style. Blo needs the calm voice of Candy Finnigan to tell her to wipe the white shit off her ass and get to detox before she turns into...well...into her own fucking mother. But that's not going to happen, so I guess we'll have to wait until scientists build a fucking time machine to take Blohan back to her Mean Girls days. And...SHE IS A CUTTER!!!!

Amy Wino has probably tried to smoke almost every person, place or thing on this planet. You name it, she has tried to smoke it up. If you live in London, check your ass for burn marks. I'm sure Wino tried to smoke you up after you passed out in a club. If she can light it, she'll try it! This is why I'm a little surprised that Wino hasn't smoked on banana skins before! She found her new favorite fix in St. Lucia!

According to the Daily Star (via M&C), Wino was trolling around the island when she ran into a group of locals smoking banana skins. The locals knew that a fool with a craving for the high life wandered into their lives, so they probably seized the opportunity to make some coin and sold her ass a couple of banana skins you can get off a stupid tree! Wino bought whatever they were selling and now she's in love.

A source said, "She made sure there wasn't anything really bad in them because she's being so good now. They made one in front of her using dried strings from the inside of the peel instead of tobacco and putting it onto a piece of rolling paper. She loved it and has taken to drying her own peel in the sun and smoking it in the evening."

I've never heard of this shit either, so now I'm looking at the half-rotten banana on my kitchen counter like it's the key to taking me higher this afternoon. And here I thought that the only good use for nana skins was to make your asshole smell like Bananas Fosters after a b-fuck. I'm glad to hear there's another use for them!

After doing some extensive research (aka Google followed by two clicks), I found out how to make banana skins your new nightly best friend. Although, this shit sound like it's work! I think I'll just stick to ordering my shit for delivery.

Here's some pics of the premiere Nannerhead of St. Lucia with her bodyguard and some locals yesterday.

The dehydrated human dildo known as SamRo uploaded this picture of a cokey cake to her Twitter, because she probably wanted to show Blohan what kind of shit she's missing out on. It's a good thing Blo wasn't around, because she would've wasted that delicious cake by snorting it up one take.

And whoever gave SamRo this cake probably thought the only way to get her to eat something besides rotten pussay pie was to sprinkle a little of her favorite dust on top. Cakehead!

Source: Guest of a Guest VIA Jossip

Farrah Fawcett was hospitalized last week and there were reports that she was unconscious and not doing too hot. Well, there's better news this morning. Farrah issued a statement to People thanking her fans for their constant support and hope. Farrah is continuing to fight the fight. Her rep said that she's walking, is in good spirits and will probably bust out of the hospital on her magical winged hair in just a few days and will return home.

But while Farrah is doing better in the hospital, her son Redmond is in jail. Now, Redmond is on probation for drug possession and he's currently facing charges in another case. It seems like he was begging to be arrested again, because the bitch was visiting a friend at a jail outside of Los Angeles yesterday and he brought some of the bad shit with him.

Redmond was in the jail parking lot when the cops stopped him to do a routine search. Redmond admitted he had drugs on him. The cops searched his ass, found some shit including heroin, arrested him and now Redmond is in jail on $25,000 bail.

Did you order a plate of fried ginger, because that's exactly what we have here. A dumb fuck! Redmond's mom is fucking sick in the hospital and he's out doing hood rat stuff in a jail parking lot?! He might as well have lubed up his firehole and brought the dildo, because he is totally fucked. Meth is seriously the breakfast, lunch and dinner of brain champions.

That being said, I'd hit it. Well, you know how my shit puckers for the ginges. And Redmond is a bad bad ginge. He'd probably turn me out on the streets to get his fix. Swoooooon.

And it's not right that his latest mug shot is in black and white. The ginge should never be covered.

So it looks like Blohan is off the snatch which means every peen in Hollywood should be crawling up in between its owner's ass cheeks to keep safe. Blohan might be back on the prowl after SamRo quit her crazy ass for good. SamRo really means it this time you guys, because she even changed the locks on her front door and everything!!!! Yeah, this must be SamRo's first time dealing with a lunatic with nothing else better to do than find ways to break in. Changing the locks won't do shit!! Blohan will squeeze her skanky bony ass through the air conditioning ducts if she really wants in.

Obviously, she didn't, because she took her ass to the Chateau Marmont, where I'm pretty sure you can order the bad shit through room service. Blo was photographed there yesterday with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and White Oprah. Oh, of course White Oprah was there. Blohan had a case of the lezzie sads and nothing makes her feel better like a bowl of her mom's home-cooked Xanax soup. The paparazzi also caught Blo giving me a case of deja vu while riding up to her hotel early this morning.

At this point, some whore just needs to leave a trail of coke from the Chateau Marmont to Casa de Cheeto, so Daddy Spears can sort her the fuck out with his cheese grits. Because if some shit doesn't happen, Blohan is going to go "shave your head" crazy. Although, the bitch kind of needs to shave her head since that weave is looking like something Kim Zolciak's wig queefed out.

Normally that horse would throw the monkey off his back, but I think he got contact high from Wino's crackie-laced fumes, so he's rolling with it. Horsey looks so high that he probably thinks he's galloping through Manhattan in Manolos with Mr. Big riding his ass. Go with it, horsey. Go with it. Feel it.

So, Amy Wino is back on the island of St. Lucia! It looks like her crackhive got stopped in customs. It's not happy that it has to sit in quarantine while Wino goes and bongs it up on the island.

And should I be concerned with what's going on in the sixth thumbnail below? Where is Wino taking those children?! Eh. I guess you gotta learn sooner or later, so you might as well learn from the master!

Lily Allen played L.A. last night and during her cover of Brit Brit's "Woomanizah" (which Lily strangely pronounces "Womanizer"), a cokey freckled mess stumbled on stage for absolutely no reason. Blohan popped out of nowhere, whispered something to Lily, gave her a side-hug, threw her skanky bones up in the air, busted a move like a special needs chimp, played a game of Hide-N-Seek behind Lily and then staggered off. I think I just witnessed a drug deal.

Why else would Lily bring Blohan on stage? That's not exactly something you flaunt. A Lohan is something you only bring out at parties when it's time to go skiing. Other than that, you keep that filthy little secret to yourself!

The crackery cracks at the 3:30 mark in the video above.

So, when HoHan was first seen driving around in a $100,000 Maserati, I immediately figured SamRo was leasing it for her in exchange for nightly clit gnawing sessions. Well, I was wrong. TMZ says they know who that butt plug of a car belongs to. It's owned by some dude named Dennis DeSantis who is in the sex selling game. DeSantis is a porn producer who has put together some of the most elegant works of art including Butt Sluts and Origami So Horny.

After HoHan's assistant busted the car by driving into a Subaru, DeSantis just shrugged it off, paid the $10,000 for it to get repaired and allowed our little cokey fauxmosexual to keep driving it. DeSantis also claims he lent her the car just because. There's no strings attached. Uh huh...... There's always strings attached. And these strings are attached to the end of a double-sided dildo, because that's what HoHan's going to have to put in her ass in order to pay DeSantis back.

We've always joked that HoHan is sitting first class in the Crackwhore Train to hardcore porn. I wouldn't be shocked if when I was trolling the adult section of my video store, I saw HoHan's diarrhea face on the cover of titles like: Labia Pains, Confessions Of A Teenage Oral Queen, The Pussy Trap, Just My Fuck, Meat Girls, A Prairie Whore Companion and Freaky Friday.

White Oprah will be so proud. No, she really will be. I wasn't being sarcastic.

Amy Wino's crackhive is looking happy, healthy and well fed. While Wino was out cocktail stealing in St. Lucia, her crackhive was probably laying up in a rehab clinic trying to shake the cravings for the evil shit. Nowadays, it's looking sober and honestly, kind of fat. That chunky ass bitch needs to call Jenny or go back on the crack again. Wino's got some junk in the hive.

The former Crackie of Camden left her new house today and told the paps she was skipping off to the clinic to get a blood test. Wino said that after what happened to Jade Goody, she wants to be extra careful and shit. Crackie, please. You know the real reason why she goes to the hospital. She sends her crackhive off to sneak into the medicine closet to get fill itself with a ton of delicious dolls for Wino to feast on later. And while she's there, she gives a blow job or two to a nitrous tank. That's the real reason!