Crackheads

If you're one of Blohan's "sicko fans" then you will pleased to know that you don't have to go far to see her next masterpiece. Fuck, you don't even have to get your fat ass off the sofa, because it will be beamed directly to your TV. Blohan's Labor Pains will make its debut on basic cable! One step closer to selling hand jobs at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada!

The production company told UsWeekly that it will show on ABC Family in July. A month later, it will be thrown into a 50% off discount bin at the 99 Cent Store.

Blohan's response: "YOU SICKO FANS ARE RUINING MY LIIIIFEEEEE!" Stick a meth pipe in it!

Since Blohan is about to become the Meryl Streep of the cable TV movie circuit, I think it's about time she ring up her old friend Ty Ty Banks and propose a sequel to the masterpiece shit show known as LIFE SIZE. Blohan's cracked out soul needs Ty Ty to serenade her with the uplifting anthem "Be A Star." That will make everything okay again. The clip is below and no, Ty Ty is not synching with her lips. She's got natural talent! It's also strange to see lil' Lohan before the meth bugs ate her face.

The Crackie of Camden returned to her old snorting grounds last night for a nut of tricks, dicks and crackery! When Wino pulled up, the citizens of Camden probably closed their windows, the children ran for cover and everybody turned their lights out and put a garland of garlic on their front door. I don't know. Wino could have entertain them! They should have asked her to put on a pink leotard, a pair of tap shoes and do a little dance for them. That shit would've been like Goddess Bunny LIVE!!!

Wino was on her best behavior in Camden and didn't whoop a trick or snort up any innocent people. Bitch was fine! But I don't think those are panties she's wearing. That's probably what her coochie really looks like.

These pictures of Amy Wino in London today look like they were taken at some premiere, but she's actually arriving at court! Only this crazy crackie would smile and pose like she's ready to down some champagne. Bitch, you're going to court! Most of us growl, throw our fits up in the air and cry when we have to step foot in a courthouse for whatever reason. This crackette looks fucking thrilled. Maybe they told her there's a heroin, computer duster, weed, and vodka buffet waiting inside? Hey, but at least she got hosed down for the occasion. And her crack chichis are looking spectacular. Just look and don't touch. Motorboating a Wino may cause seizures, foaming at the mouth and a severe addiction to ice pops.

The former Crackie of Camden was in court today to answer to charges that she whooped a trick at a charity event back in September. It was a quick affair. Wino stumbled in, pleaded "not guilty" and then stumbled out. She should have just pleaded "WINO," which is code for "above the motherfucking law." How dare the court tear away her crackhive from its pipe for this shit!

A judge has taken back the Blohan's arrest warrant that was issued this past Friday after she reportedly fucked up her probation by not showing up to a booze ed class. Blohan's lawyer apparently proved to the court that her absences were excused. Her lawyer said that she will enroll in another class and show proof of it on April 3rd. Cut to Blohan sucking on the judge's genital lips. That's how "misunderstandings" get cleared up.

After all that shit, this is what we get?! Boo! Where's the Thelma & Louise-style car chase? The shoot out at her crack house of choice? Where's White Oprah parading the streets in croco-tears?! I want my money back! Foolery! You don't fuck with a bitch like that. I was promised cokey-filled drama and that's not what I got.

The judge needs to examine the picture above. Blohan has to be breaking all sorts of international laws here. I mean, that baby now has a terrible case of coke breath from breathing in Blohan-laced oxygen. Issue another warrant and throw the cokey in the chokey!

Source: TMZ

An anonymous ho has been sending around screen caps from Blohan's supposed secret Twitter account, sevinnyne (SamRo's is jackdaniels9). The anonymous ho says that yesterday morning, after partying until 4:30am, Blohan had a Tweeter freak out until 8 in the morning. She must have stepped out of the hazy white cloud for a quick minute, because she deleted all these messages, but the anonymous ho managed to screen cap them before she did.

Anonymous Ho added that some of them have been cropped, but one of her crazier ones reads in full: "should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don't know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they ARE FUCKING ABOUT TO GET ARRESTED FOR CHASING YOU TO MAKE YOU STAY"

It's like a Courtney Love blog mated with a Kanye West blog rant. If you put your nose up to the screen and snort really hard, you might get a little buzz.

But I want to know how she's able to Twitter shit that's longer than 250 characters?! I always want to drown myself in a crack pipe whenever Twitter cuts my ass off at 250! Blohan must have the secret.

My favorite line in all of this has to be "la needs better restaurants." Through all the amazing craziness she has a fucking moment of clarity. Although, L.A. does have In-N-Out and Claim Jumper, so all is not lost.

Below are the caps from Blohan's alleged leaked Twitter. And if you want to see a cap of her leaky twatter, (NSFL) click here.

A warrant has been issued for everyone's least favorite cokey 'gina bumper arrest. The charge? Assault with a deadly cokeface. Seriously, that mess above is some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. Scratch that. This is some FIRE MARSHALL BILL'S SHIT!

Enough with the jokes, this is a serious (HA!) matter. Hollyscoop says that the Beverly Hills PD issued a warrant for Blohan's arrest stemming from her hit-and-run DUI back in 2007. Apparently, the meth-for-brains moron didn't do all the shit she was supposed to do like complete a booze program and perform 10 days of community service. Don't they know that Blohan is a celebwhore, which means she's above the law, which means she can't be bothered with petty shit like that. She's too busy sucking, snorting, boozing, fucking, eating and licking! The important stuff!

TMZ says she also could have failed a drug test (try not to eat your tongue in shock) or even skipped out on a drug test. The warrant is for $50,000. But a warning to all citizens of L.A.! The suspect is armed and dangerous with a nose that can snort you up in milliseconds and vagina lips that can strangle you in minutes!

The B.H. PD said, "It is our hope that Ms. Lohan will surrender herself so that this matter can be resolved in a timely manner."

Oh, shit! This would make my fucking weekend if that coketard and her partner in pussy SamRo went on the lamb! Bonnie & Clyde-style! All she needs is a pair of leggings, a strap-on and enough coke and Red Bull to last her for a few weeks. They can get in their car and drive, drive, drive, drive like the wiiiiind!!!!! Well, until they get into another fight and SamRo dumps Blohan out of the car and then calls the cops on her. Luckily for the cops, that's likely to happen before they even leave Los Angeles city limits.

Here's L.A.'s most wanted fugitive out in Hollywood last night. Only a White Oprah could love that face. Well, she will love it as long as that face keeps bringing home baggies filled with the bad shit.

At a Fendi party in Paris last night, the human 8-ball known as Kate Moss did what she does best while sitting with young Leonetta Fendi. First of all, she was watching Beth Ditto shaking her ham hocks so you'd be out-of-your-brains tanked too. Second of all, Lil' Leonetta is learning how to be a fucked-up mess from one of the best! You have to learn some day, so you might as well as learn from the cokey master! Although, Leonetta is sitting a little too close. She could accidentally breath in a rogue particle. At this point, she should be observing, not participating. But you know Kate asked her if she was holding.

This shit was a Fendi party and I couldn't find any pictures of Karl Lagerfeld! The zombie queen probably died for good when Beth Ditto stripped down and started jiggling her business. You know that shit's a good party when Kate Moss is boozing with a child and the living dead dies.

I missed many of the slaughters (they call them performances) on American Idle last night, because I was in my kitchen madly trying to recreate the secret nectar that fills Paula Abdul's Coke cup. I'm guessing it's a mixture of NyQuil, an entire Vicodin bottle, venom from a cold hearted snake, a drop of Skat Kat's jizz and a spoonful of leche from Simon's fur titties. Whatever it is, it had that ho riding high above the stage on a bright purple winged pony. This bitch was seeing magical doves flying through the studio. That would explain her outfit. I think one of those doves dived into her chest to try to stop her madness!

Paula was in HIGH form last night. Bitch declared every whore with a mic the winner. She had no idea what the hell kind of words were coming out of her mouth. The Skat Kat in her head was talking too damn fast and it was confusing her. When Adam Lambert performed, she totally saw him as a glittery giant Adderall pill. Actually, I think every did, because whores left and right were foaming at the asshole over him. I'm trying so hard to love him, but it's not working out for me. I sniff a bottle of Urban Decay nail polish and force myself to bust nuts over him, but it doesn't work. He's a little too Wentzy for me. But I wouldn't be mad if he won. He's a million times better than a lot of those other weepy ass skanks.

Where did the producers do most of their scouting this season? In a damn broccoli patch? Every contestant is more boring than the last. Half of those dudes are the same person. Gokey Allen Giraud Sarver! Throw them in a pot, put a lid over it, set it and then FORGET IT.

Since my brain has already zapped out most of last night's performance, let's go over the whores who will probably go back to working at Hot Dog on a Stick (delicious). Two fools are going home tonight, so I'm guessing there will be a bottom 4. These are my guesses:

Jasmine: She seems like a nice girl. I'd eat a bowl of Lucky Charms with her, but unless you've got a Bratz doll fetish, she's just all sorts of MEH.
Jorge: Even Jorge knows he's being sent to the irrelevant factory. This gives me the sads inside, because think of what his eyebrows could be. I just want to jump on his chest and go to pluck city.
Scott: I picked him, because I really can't remember who the hell he is.
Kris: Bitch needs to give us what we want already! We want fully nude performances! And Simon's right, drop the wife. It's not a good look.

I'm probably totally wrong with the bottom 4, because I do believe that the two Js (Jorge and Jasmine) will be shuffling off tonight.

But seriously, we need to quit delaying the inevitable and declare the true American Idol: Jasmine's mother's wig. Come to terms with that fact! I voted for it at least 300 times yesterday. It's funny that each call I made for Lisa Murray's wig ended with a happy ending. That's a sign.

The gangsta's paradise must be filled with crack, because Coolio was busted with it at LAX today. TMZ says that Foolio's stupid fucking ass was caught with crack rocks while going through security to catch a flight on Southwest. Getting caught with crack while trying to get on a Southwest flight is pretty much a career high for Coolio. Fuck getting caught with premium cocaine while trying to get on a private jet. This is the shit.

Apparently, Coolio went crazy on the screener after he was caught crack handed. You would totally freak out too if a bitch was trying to take your good shit! Crack rocks don't grow on trees and Coolio probably sold his last Michelle Pfeiffer-autographed poster of Dangerous Minds on eBay to pay for that mess.

But for serious, this crackhead was definitely riding high on the crack cloud if he thought it was a good idea to bring that illegal shit to an airport! FedEx your drugs like normal people do!

Take a good, hard look at this sexy lady. What man wouldn't give up his favorite crack pipe just so he could cuddle up next to this hot piece for a quick second. Although, don't cuddle up too close, because the Wino can turn any second and bite your cheek off Cape Fear-style. Then you'll have no cheek and a bad case of crackalitis. Other than that, she really is a sweet thing (not really). That's why I don't understand why Blaaaaake doesn't love her anymore!!! That slag must be sober, because he's not thinking right.

The Mirror says that while Wino is touring the gourmet shops near her new house for rare delicacies like Skittles and ice pops, Blaaaake is laying up with some 16-year-old ho. According to some skanks, 27-year-old Blaaaake has been going around with 16-year-old Francesca Morralee since January. The two must have met on the dating website e(is for Ecstasy)harmony.com or maybe Blaaake just hangs outside schools a lot. It's not known, but Francesca is telling everyone it's true, true love.

One friend said, "Fran thinks it's glamorous to be seeing Amy's man but she's only 16. She likes to have a good time but certainly doesn't do drugs. With Blake's reputation he is not the best role model."

You might not see PedoBear doing the happy dance around Blaaaake and his new toy, because I think 16 is the legal age over there. But I'm pretty sure that sexing up a Blaaake Fielder-Civil breaks several world laws if your name is not Amy Wino. Franny is infecting herself with Blaaaake's slime and in turn will spread it to all of us! Throw the girl in quarantine and soak her in a hot bath of formaldehyde.

Franny might not have done the bad shit before, but she's totally riding the dragon bareback if she's hooking up with that cracktard. Even kissing Blaaake on the cheek is the equivalent to sticking a heroin-filled pump up your ass and screaming "Filler up!"

Here's the former Crackie of Camden trolling around her new neighborhood yesterday. She looks kind of clean, eh? But that sweater dress totally makes her crackhive look fat.