Crackheads

Did you really think Amy Wino would get through her St. Lucia vacation without attacking some ho? But I suspect Wino was smart about this one. Wino's spokeswhore told The Sun that there was a little misunderstanding (isn't there always?) between her and some of the guests at the resort. Wino's got a little crackwax in her ears, because she misunderstood a conversation between a lady guest and some others. This led to Wino to pull a "Heather Mills" by pouring a glass of water all over the bitch. Why did Wino play it smart?

Well, Wino with a glass of water? Please. The Crackie of the Caribbean obviously had some booze juice in her hand. You know, I really get hurt when bitches waste their alcohol by throwing it at someone. There's people in this world who would kill a baby bunny for just one sip of life's precious nectar. To waste it is disrespectful! Wino obviously agrees with me, because she probably stopped herself before she was about to pour her drink all over the whore's head and walked on over to the bar instead. She asked the bartender for a glass of that clear free shit (she doesn't know the name) and that's when the woman got hit with a Wino waterfall. Well played.

The wet bitch got all dramatic about the incident and wanted to call the cops. The resort had to calm her down and force Wino to apologize in order to avoid dealing with the police. Wino reluctantly said she was so sowwy, but all is still not well at the resort.

A source said the guests and staff have had it with her, “Everyone wants Amy to disappear. Her attack on this guest was the last straw. She walks around in the same grimy bikini bottoms each day with her boobs on show, gets drunk, gropes waiters and is rude to male staff. She’s hardly the most popular guest.”

Why don't I ever get a taste of this shit when I go on vacation? I get a bunch of oldies who shoot you an evil stare when you get too wasted and talk loudly about how you really want a hard cock to go with your cocktail. A bunch of judgmental Judge Judies.

They'll have to get some ear plugs and steer clear of Harpo Marx's crackie twin, because Wino is staying there an extra week. Hey, at least the sharks are staying away. Even they don't want to deal with her crackery.

Here's a few pictures of Wino proving that she should be Nike's next spokeswhore. Just smoke it!

I just did something very dangerous. Even the government warns against doing this. I just tried to read one of Courtney Love's blogs in a completely sober state. I feel like I need cuddle from a Pound Puppy to comfort me after attempting to read the whole thing. It's like trying to read spam. It makes no sense and you feel like you're committing some sort of crime by reading it.

There really needs to be a game show that challenges contestants to decipher Courtney Love's crack rants. It can be hosted by Joaquin Phoenix, because Courtney Love is speaking his thoughts.

You know, I'm trying to summarize this shit, but I don't think it's even possible! Especially since it's not even 7:30am in California. My one brain cell has called mercy.

I see the words "Kelly Ripa" along with a bunch of numbers and this sentence: "NOW FOR THE RECORD I HAVENT TAKEN A NARCOTIC OR HAD ANY ALCHOHOL FOR NPW OVER FIVE YEARS." If that shit is true, then it's probably a good time to go back to the crack.

Let's see if you can do any better. Court's entire post is after the jump. You might want to down a shot of something strong, like battery acid, before you start reading it. JUMP TO YOUR BRAIN'S DEATH!!!!

I'm sitting here sipping on some Asti like a real classy lady and catching up on all the shit I missed yesterday. I am so fucking glad I'm reading Courtney Love's latest crazy rant while riding on an Asti bubble, because it's so much more entertaining. Seriously, you would think I was watching a monkey washing a cat. This is some standing ovation shit!

Crack's finest customer spent her Christmas Eve morning going off on Kim Kardassian's brother, Rob. Court's full rant will make your eyes cross permanently if you're sober, so let me just sum it up for you. Basically, Court thinks Rob is a big gay hater, because he allegedly punched out her employee outside of Hyde in September and called him a fag. Here's a just small fix from Court's crazy party. Again, if you're sober, sip on some Listerine or rubbing alcohol before you read this shit:

Rob Kardashian the son of the discgr3aceful Robert Kardashian who represented a cold blooded murderer and made lots and lots of money..well rob jr cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my GUY was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside hyde lounge closed, then right after yelling the words "FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT!" Rob JR punched my guys in the face. My guy has 3 witnesses who saw rob jump out of the SUV and because of the fact that he works for me, a woman of power, you broke his nose and caused blood to shed, well lets fast forward shall we...the guy who works for me did not file a police report that night cause he did not need tmz's camera's outside this trendy nightclub to cause any more FUCKERY to what was suppose to be a birthday celebration, instead he came back to LAPD later and they told him to fold up his police report into a origami and hang it on his door.

If you're hanging out with that douche Brody Jenner, you deserve to get fisted in the face. And I loved that she called herself a "woman of power!" It's almost better than "businesswoman."

Court goes on to invite Rob to a night of dancing with homos, playing with make-up and ending with a little butt fuck fun with a plantain. Court is describing my New Year's evening to a fucking T. Well, except for the plantain part. I like my plantains fried, not mashed.

Kim, being the mega famewhore that she is, jumped right on this mess and responded to Court's shit on her own website. Kim wrote, "This is TOTALLY FALSE! A lot of what she wrote doesn’t even make much sense and doesn’t follow a clear train of thought... At one point she says Brody was there too and that someone yelled discriminatory expletives against gay people, but I honestly can’t figure out who she is accusing because her writing is so bad."

Kim needs to drink a full bottle of Asti and read that shit again, because I clapped at the end. I would love to watch Kim read Courtney's blog. You know her head almost popped off. Bitch probably couldn't complete the Dick and Jane books, because that shit was too complex for her, so Court's rant probably made her hair sweat.

I'm totally on Team Crazy, because if you get on her good side, she might let you pick something out of her "goody bag."

The last time we left our crackhead heroes, Blaaaake vowed he was clean and Wino was laid up in THE CLINIC after she had a "bad reaction to medication." It's time to turn the page, because there's a new chapter in the never-ending crack opera known as Blaaake's and Wino's life.

Blaaaake, who was released from the chokey early so that he could get treatment at a rehab facility, is going back to prison after he failed a drug test. In his defense, you could drain his blood, put kitten blood back in him and he'd still test positive for the bad shit.

After learning that he could be locked up until 2010, Blaaaake rushed to Wino's bedside all dramatic-like and begged her to forgive him. Some person with information told The Sun, “Blake did a runner. He turned up in hospital and hell broke loose — everyone was totally shocked. He was asking Amy to forgive him. As he was going back inside anyway he felt he didn’t have much to lose.”

Friends of Wino say it's a good thing he's going back in, because she was just starting to get her life back on track. Well, except for that little crack seizure that landed her back in the hospital. Her friends must have forgotten about that small tidbit. A friend went on to say, “She had finally started stepping up divorce proceedings again but he started phoning again and getting inside her mind. Now he is out of the picture again she can concentrate on getting her life on track.”

This is the way things should be. Wino and Blaaaaake are star-cracked lovers and it's meant to stay this way forever. If Blaaaake ever got out of prison, what would Wino scream about? She wouldn't be able to say, "this is for my Blaaaake incarcerated," before every fucking performance. That wouldn't be right.

And you know that tomorrow there will be news that Wino is going to renew her vows with Blaaaake in a beautiful prison ceremony. Then the next day we'll learn that she's filed for divorce. The day after that she'll remarry him in a touching online wedding. Rinse, repeat, the crack pipe burns on....

Blaaaaake is in rehab right now and it looks like he's bouncing through all the 13 steps! In a telephone interview from the tank with The News of the World, Blaaaaake has put on his Captain Obvious cap and admitted that he basically created the Crackie of Camden by introducing her to the world of crack, heroin and cutting herself up. And yes I said "13 steps." The 13th step is: whore your story out for top dollar! Blaaake can check that one off the list.

In the interview, Blaaake says he gave Wino her first hit of the bad shit. “I made the biggest mistake of my life by taking heroin in front of her. I introduced her to heroin, crack cocaine and self-harming. I feel more than guilty. The first time Amy took crack she asked me, ‘Can I try a bit of that’."

Watching Wino smoke crack for the first time, must have been a trippy fucking experience. As soon as her lips touched the pipe, her crackhive magically grew on her head, shit-stained ballet slippers appeared at her feet and that damned gold rope belt wrapped around her waist. The Crackie of Camden was born!

Blaaake goes on to say a bunch of other "eye-rollin' worthy" shit. He claims he will not go back to Wino when he's released on December 30th. He must let her go in order to save her life. "I am not abandoning her. I am doing this out of love."

How fucking poetic. The fact that he's blabbing about it to the world makes this extra special. He's only doing this to get paid so that he could use the cash to buy a rock or two in rehab. He's going to be back to his old crackie tricks when he gets out. Trust.

And you know that when Wino read this fuckery, she shouted, "Shut up, Blaaaaake and pass the pipe!"

Maybe Whitney Houston couldn't find another man who would be willing to pop her doody bubble, because it's been claimed that she might be back with Bobby Brown. The Chicago-Sun Times says that they've been seen around Georgia acting all romantic-like while having dinner together. Apparently, Bobbi Kristina wants her parents to get back together. She probably misses the fucking comedy relief in the house.

One of Whitney's people said they are "good friends whose primary interest is the well-being of their daughter.''

Not this fuckery again. Okay, I will sign off on these two crazy crackies getting back together if they agree to do so in front of the cameras. Yes, they are every shade of fucked up, but "Being Bobby Brown" was some entertaining shit. I mean, who else could deliver gems (made of crack) like this one:

While most of you were spending your Sunday at church (HA!), Courtney Love was furiously posting 60 posts on her MySpace Blog. 60 posts in a matter of just a few hours. This is why doing meth while blogging is never a good idea. Actually, this is why doing meth if your name is Courtney Love isn't a good idea.

CLove accuses her housekeeper, Miriam Torres, of stealing a shit load of her precious designer clothes. She went to Style.com and posted links from fashion shows of every single piece that was allegedly taken from her with a description. Crackie Love also accuses Miriam of taking millions of dollars from her. She writes, "Miriams a cow who is into black magic and took all she could."

How many times do you think she's fallen for that Nigerian businessman scam?

I barely got through half of it, because my brains started to crave meth after reading just a few of her entries. I'm surprised everybody around CLove isn't on some kind of hardcore drug. It's the only way to deal with her insanity.

Court's mood also goes from "suicidal depression in the midst of opulence" to "Krimping."

You can read the whole thing for yourself here. It's fucked. This is what happens when OCD, meth, CLove and a MacBook collide in a bad, bad way. Somebody take the internet away from her.

VIA The London Paper

Courtney Love blogged about Prop 8 the other day and it sounded like she was thrilled that it passed, but she wasn't. She was just explaining that some bitches were "confuseded" about the confusing language. And in doing so, she confused me. In another friends-only blog, Court explained herself:

prop 8
Current mood: apoplectic

oh you pretty things!
i voted NO against prop 8 !!!! the kids outside were there to clarify that the language was indeed confusing, and so by the way it was, i think its possible alot of people voting YES on prop 8 thought they were voting AGAINST it
I AM NOT ONE OF THEM
and oer the Huffington Post
ARianna knows me, she knows i am an intelligent and refined woman as anyone who knows me knows...

She called me purdy! And it looks like Court has been toking and dictionary reading again. She used the words apoplectic and refined! I had to jump over to the dictionary to look up the word refined to make sure we are all on the same page. Refined: having or showing well-bred feeling, taste, etc.: freed from impurities.

HA! She hasn't been free of impurities since the 60s! But I do like the fact that she used the word. We should all start calling ourselves "refined women." Refined is the new elegant.

Just one blog post on the subject wasn't enough for Court, so she posted another one:

clarity
Current mood: anal plug

i voted AGAINST proposition 8. i want there to be gay marriage rights passionately.
clear?

shall i dress up a giant butt plug and march ? cos if i have time i dammed well will.

I thought I was the only one who had anal plug moods. And Court, I would vote against dressing up as a butt plug unless you want Tommy Girl to swallow you with his hungry hole. Actually, that might not be such a bad thing.

Source: Campaign Silo

Courtney Love is the reason why Prop 8 passed! Or "soemthin." In a friends-only blog, confusing Court sounds like she's happy about the ban on gay marriage. But she's obviously just confused about the confusing Prop 8.

blown away
Current mood: bouncy

That prop 8 passsed! motherfuckers! who voted against it!
it was confusing language in malibu there were kids reminding us to vote yes thatthe language was conbfusing and people were votingno when they meant yes or soemthin

And now I'm confused! Oh, Court. Pill-popping and blogging is a skill that requires hours upon hours of practice before you're ready to actually hit the "publish" button.

Court's "current mood" explains the entire post for me. I usually feel bouncy in the head too after chasing a few old Darvocet pills with a Smirnoff Ice and vodka.

Seriously, I think a lot of bitches were confused. I heard that some bitches voted for it thinking they were voting yes on gay marriage. Oops....

Here's a screenshot of Court's confusing entry.

VIA Huffington Post

Thanks Ol' N

Please, close the gate of that crackhead's mouth too....

Blaaaake barely got out of the chokey and he's already posing for pictures and running his crackhole to the press. After he left prison, he told The Sun, "It’s tough inside — bloody horrible, but I’m out and that’s all that matters. It’s brilliant. I’m gonna get myself sorted. I’m gonna get my life back. I’m gonna see my wife and take her knickers down."

He better bring a metal bat, a string of garlic and a Hazmat crew with him when he pulls her panties down. Who knows what's hiding under there.

Blaaaake is currently drying out at a rehab facility in Surrey. He has to complete the program before he's reunited with his wife's crackbush. Hopefully, it swallows him whole when he greets it.