Crackheads

Mackenzie Phillips will not be dressing as a sad little jailbird for Halloween this year. That's because a judge ordered her into an 18-month drug deferment program after she pleaded guilty for being a failed drug mule.

Julie Cooper was arrested in August at LAX after she was caught by airport security trying to smuggle balloons of coke and heroin in her pant leg. Maria Full of Grace she ain't!

The judge told her in court today that once she completes the program, he'll throw out her plea and the entire incident will disappear from her record. She told the court, "I want to thank the Los Angeles Police Department and the Airport Police for stopping me -- they saved my life." Mackenzie went on to say, "And party at my house! I have the party favors, you bring the hooch!" No...

Mackenzie is just in Los Angeles for a quick minute, because she's currently seeking treatment at a rehab facility in Louisiana. This is her 10th time in the tank. You know what they don't say, the tenth time's a charm!

TMZ also reports that the judge thought she was on "Diff'rent Strokes." She corrected him and said she was actually on "One Day at a Time." Mackenzie wasted a perfectly good "Watcha talkin' 'bout Willis" moment!!

Corey Haim is engaged to something other than an 8-ball. Corey announced on his website that he's going to marry horror actress Tiffany Shepis on May 9, 2009. The two lovebirds first met 12 years on the set of "Fever Lake." They reunited recently at some autograph show.

If you're interested in sending the happy couple a gift, they're registered with Corey's dealer.

Hopefully, Corey Feldman will stop the wedding and whisk Corey Haim away. Those two really belong together. They know it and we know it. If Corey Haim does go through with the wedding, I'm sure an annulment will be filed as soon as the wedding "party favors" wear off.

VIA SOW

When you used to be a child star and you no longer can get any roles and you've maxed out your reality show quota, the next thing for you to do is write a tell-all on how fucked up your life was when you were a kid. That's what Marcia Brady has done! Maureen McCormick is whoring out her new book "Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice" and in it, she covers all the bases. Who knew being a Brady was so much fun?

Here's some of the things Maureen fesses up to:

She had a coke and ludes addiction
She fucked for drugs
She dated Steve Martin and Jacko
She almost lost her cherry to Barry Williams
She had full on drug binges at the Playboy Mansion
She had two abortions
She battled bulimia

And more!

Maureen said she believes she was so messed up, because of Syphilis. Yes, Syphilis. She went on "Today" this morning and said the disease caused her grandmother to die inside of a mental hospital. A week later her grandfather killed himself. After that, her mother got Syphilis.

Okay, maybe being a Brady isn't so fun after all..... She blames Syphilis, but I blame the fact that she touched tongues with Jacko. That will eff a bitch up.

I doubt they serve cokey cotton candy in the jail cafeteria, so Amy Wino will have to smuggle some in her crack hive for her good friend Mik Whitnall. Mik was arrested yesterday in London for....take a lucky guess. Of course, he was arrested for crack cocaine possession.

NME reports that Dreamboat Doherty's bandmate and Wino's friend was busted in a bar at around 4:20pm. It would've been ironic if he was caught with weed.

After his arrest, the cops searched Mik's apartment and found a few crack rocks. He's still in police custody.

If it's not Mik, then it's Dreamy or Wino. Those three take turns getting busted and released. They're like the 3 Crackmigos!

Seriously, Dreamy gets arrested, then Wino and now Mik. Rinse and repeat. Well, scratch the rinse part. None of those 3 ever take part in that practice.

Snorting coke for breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert and all your snacks must get kind of mundane and boring, so you can't blame the Crackie of Camden for trying to sugar up her diet it a little bit.

A friend of Wino's tells the News of the World that is obsessed with a new delicious treat: cokey cotton candy!

It all started when Wino showed her friend and fellow crackhead Mik Whitnall her new $1400 cotton candy machine. Mik suddenly got the idea to sprinkle a little booger sugar on a piece of cotton candy.

The friend said, “He and some pals sprinkled a wrap of coke into the mixture and Amy started eating it before she realized what they’d done. She now thinks it’s a hoot to do the same. With her painfully thin frame and her wild beehive hair, she’s actually starting to look like a stick of candy floss herself."

Wino might be on to something. I have always thought of her as the crackhead version of Martha Stewart. She should put out her own book of recipes: Cooking with CRACK (and other illegal substances). She could make everything from crackchiladas to heroin in a blanket. It's a crack thing.

Dreamboat Doherty is alive and.....well....he's alive. I know. That claim is up for discussion. Dreamy has uploaded a new video to his YouTube account and basically Allison from "Intervention" is the only bitch who can probably understand it. Especially because in the video Dreamboat says one of his pussies is off to "mend the sunshine." What's with druggies and sunshine? Does that mean Funshine Bear was a major heroin junkie? I digress.

Most of Dreamy's video is your regular crack shit. Dreamy plays with fire in his garden. Dreamys plays with a hammer. Dreamy talks to his house cleaner while she mops the floor. Yes, he has a cleaner even though his house still looks like the inside of a used roach motel. Her main job is probably to keep the crack pipes shiny and clean.

Speaking of, about 3:30 into the video, Dreamy's sleeping in a hammock and his house cleaner wakes him up. They argue for a bit and then Dreamy starts lighting some kind of glass pipe thing. His house cleaner asks him, "I thought you weren't doing that stuff any more." Then she pours water all over his head. This is probably the first time in weeks that water has touched his head. I'm surprised the water didn't jump the fuck off immediately after touching him.

Click here to see Dreamy's special horror picture show. He disabled embedding.

A few hours after he uploaded his latest crack masterpiece, he put up another video of his son Astile dancing around with some creepy toy. Dreamy left this this message with the video: "crack? crack crack crack crack crack, you presumptious, hateful weirdo's"

Below is the clip. Ugh. I need a few weeks in rehab after watching both of these videos.

Thanks Lola

Last month, cops found meth in the home of Ryan O'Neal. Both Ryan and his 23-year-old son Redmond were arrested. No charges have been filed against them yet.

Yesterday in court, Redmond told a judge that he had relapsed and wanted help. The judge sentenced him to two weeks in rehab. The judge said, "You're a stand-up guy to come here and deal with your problem. I want you to stay clean…You better stay clean or the hammer is going to fall."

Let's see, Redmond was already on probation for DUI and meth possession, but a judge just sentenced him to two weeks in rehab?! I'm going to have to quote Tammy from the Real World: Los Angeles again, "It wasn't not funny!" No, it was not. If you or I got caught with meth, we'd be doing ass-to-mouth in the slammer right now! Our assholes would be held together with masking tape from being passed around so much.

The judge should have thrown all of them in jail. Redmond, Ryan and Tatum! Redmond will be released from rehab in two weeks and he will hop directly back on the meth train. Trust.

That being said, Redmond is a wittle hot, right? Well, you know how I feel about the ginges. I gots gingah fevah!

Don't you wonder what his carrot stick looks like? It's probably a little soggy from all the meth use, but I'm sure it has potential.

The Crackie of Camden's puss-filled wart of a husband, Blaaaaake Fielder-Civil, doesn't seem very interested in ever leaving prison. He already turned down an offer to get out early if he lived with his mother instead of Wino. Blaaaake has rejected a second proposal. Prison officials told him that they would cut his sentence by two months if he agreed to go to rehab. Blaaake said "fuck no."

One of Wino's friends blabbed to The Sun: "This will be another blow for her. Blake could have gone to rehab and sorted himself out but would rather see out his sentence in prison."

And how will Wino handle this "blow." With plenty of blow, of course! Sorry. That was too obvious. It was just laying there, waiting for me to give it some attention.

The friend went on to say: “All he wants is a free reign when he leaves, which means living with Amy back in Camden. But if he is turning down these chances to leave jail and get clean, it doesn’t bode well for him and Amy when he finally does get out.”

Let's crawl inside the mind of a crackhead for a quick minute. First of all, it smells like burnt lightbulbs. Second of all, why would you want to leave prison? There's plenty of butt sex, butterscotch pudding and CRACK! What more could a crackhead want?

George Michael, the singer not the kid from "Arrested Development," was arrested inside a public bathroom in London last night for possession of weed and crack. Can you imagine if George Michael Bluth from AD was arrested in a public bathroom? Lucille would probably give him a hug and a Hot Toddy. I digress.

The police were tipped off by a toilet attendant after they witnessed George loitering around the underground bathrooms in London's Hampstead Heath. George was just looking for a little cock to go with his crack!

45-year-old George was busted and taken to the police station where he was cautioned. I like it when they say "cautioned." I picture them sternly looking at George and saying, "Now don't do this again, Georgie! Here's a letter you must take to your parents. I want them to sign it and bring it back to me. You've been very bad! Very bad!"

This isn't Georgie's first time at the rodeo...or public bathroom in this case. He was arrested in 1998 for trying to get a little sexy action in a men's bathroom in Beverly Hills. He's also been busted a couple of times after he was caught passed out in his car in possession of drugs.

Come on, George!!! It's called Craigslist and a drug dealer who makes house calls. Look into it! If he loves public bathrooms so much, he should build one in his back garden or something. He should install a men's public toilet and a car for sleeping.

Honestly, he's getting too old for this shit. He should never use a public bathroom. They are bad news. And crack?! Seriously? Did we not learn anything from Wino?

Source

Ryan O'Neal's lawyer tells People that the meth found in his Malibu home does not belong to him. In case you were in a meth hole yourself, Ryan and his son were arrested on Wednesday after cops found meth in their house.

Ryan's lawyer said: "Those were not Ryan's drugs, he doesn't use drugs, and has nothing to do with them. It's a dangerous assumption for deputies to have arrested Ryan just because he was in proximity to the drugs. This situation is very upsetting to Ryan because he's just trying to lead his life quietly. I have full confidence that Ryan will be vindicated."

He wouldn't say how the meth got into Ryan's bedroom, but it's obvious that he's going to blame that shit on his meth-faced son.

It's also obvious that Ryan is a fan of "Cops." "It's not mine" has always been my favorite explanation from a crackhead on the show. The bitch could have a bag of heroin hanging out of their asshole and they would still say "I don't know how that got there! I did use a public bathroom earlier. Maybe I sat on it!"

Instead of blaming his son, Ryan should just say the evil drug trolls broke into his house and planted that shit. Wait. Was Mary-Kate Olsen in Malibu recently?

Here's a few pictures of Farrah Fawcett and REDmond O'Neal outside of Ryan's house the other day. A source told People that Farrah was sleeping in the house when Ryan and her son were arrested. So Jill Munroe was sleeping in a drug den?! What is Charlie going to say about this?