The Other Two Kardashians

I didn't even have to blink twice before figuring out who Cojo dressed up as to Heidi Klum's Halloween party last night. When my dog ran out of the room screaming, I knew that only one beast could instill that kind of fear into small furry animals: KHLOE KARDASHIAN!!!!!!

Cojo makes a better Khloe Kardashian than Khloe Kardashian does. And he nailed that "hongray for woodland creatures" look in his eye. It's so real! You're expecting him to yank that veil off, howl at the moon and then gallop off into the darkness. Just like the real Khloe.

Although, my only criticism is that he could've used more arm and upper lip hair for authenticity. Other than that, Cojo triumphed as Khloe. You know Lamar Odom will be busting into face seizures all day from jacking off to these pictures like maniac. I wouldn't be surprised if he calls it off with Khloe and proposes to KhloJo instead.

It wasn't long ago that Lamar Odom immediately fell in love with Khloe Kardashian while watching her gnaw into the carcass of a warthog in an open field. At that beautiful moment Lamar knew Khloe was the love of his life. Shortly thereafter the two married in a lavish wedding that was as real as Bruce Jenner's face.

Because getting married in a gigantic fraudulent wedding wasn't proof enough of their love for each other, Khloe and Lamar decided to get tattoos of each other's initials on their jack-off hands. Khloe explains on her blog:

"When we were at dinner, I just knew I wanted a tattoo for Lamar in the web of my hand. Once we got to the shop we decided on getting each other's initials. I got 'LO' in cursive on my right hand and he got 'KO' on both hands."

Well, when their fake marriage is finally flushed down the toilet, the both of them can easily change their tattoos. Lamar can change his to Koala (which still reminds of Khloe) or Kokomo. Khloe can change hers to Looser or LOL. At least they thought ahead.

And the Hostess cupcake wrapper in the background pretty much sums all of this up. Take a loooong bong hit and think about it.

Guests at Khloe and Lamar's fake wedding included tabloid reporters, a couple camera crews and a handful of Z-listers they probably have never met. Missing from the festivities was Lamar's three children. My guess is that his kids' mother refused to let her children be a part of that famewhore extravaganza. I know, responsible parents actually exist on this planet. Crazy.

At some event last night, Lamar told E! that Khloe will meet his kids one day when the time is right. Lamar also said they plan to have children together as soon as scientists figure out a way to turn her nutsack into an ovary.

And I suggest that Lamar take his kids to see Where The Wild Things are before they meet their new faux stepmother. That way they will learn that not all hairy forest beasts are scary monsters who eat children.

P.S. - The Lady Wolf Head t-shirt is SOOOOO not the new Three Wolf Moon t-shirt. The moon-worshiping wolves won't even sniff that t-shirt's ass.

(Image: Pacific Coast News)

Kourtney Kardashian is the latest celebwhore to join The Bitch Got Robbed Club (along with LiLo and Ceiling Eyes). TMZ reports that the extremely pregnant Kourtney (no, unfortunately that's not just hot air) came home on Friday night to find that her Calabasas townhome was ransacked and the thieves got a hold of thousands of dollars worth of joo-ree including her boyfriend's $30,000 Cartier watch, a shit load of diamonds and a few pieces her father gave her.

Kourtney lives in a gated community, so police aren't sure how the joo-ree snatchers got in (SPOILER ALERT: They hid in Kim's ass crack).

The most valuable piece of jewelry I own is a half-eaten candy necklace from last Halloween, but if I owned a pile of shiny diamonds, I'd keep that shit under lock and key. Or I'd just keep them near a Kourtney Kardashian scarecrow that constantly babbles about her pregnant farts and how she wonders if amniotic fluid comes in scented flavors. That will keep any bitch out.

And whoever robbed Kourtney better watch out, because Khloe will pick up their scent and track them down in the dead of night! The thieves better keep a prenup and feminine hygiene spray close by.

And Balloon Boy just barfed again. At an event for some weight-loss product she's pimping out for GNC, Khloe Kardashian said that she would like to have kids with her NOT-husband Lamar Odom, but she wants to be a "skinny pregnant" person like her sister Kourtney. The fact that Khloe is thinking about being pregnant at all should be enough for us to release Kate Gosselin's rabid possum head into the wild so it can rip Lamar's nuts off from the root.

Khloe told E!'s Marc Malkin, "Honestly, I just lost weight! I want to be a skinny pregnant person, like how my sister Kourtney looks so cute pregnant. I can't be a house after I just lost weight."

Yes, because everyone wants to look fucking sexy while a creature is growing inside of them and pregnant farts come wafting out of their assholes. SO HOT!

Khloe already looks like she swallowed a "skinny pregnant person" whole, so she kind of got her wish. Sort of. Right?

Even though Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom had a big wedding filled with romantic shit like cameras, lace jock strops (all for the bride), scripts, stage managers and fluffers, they still aren't legally married. Khloe and Lamar still have their dicks out over the prenup.

TMZ is saying that Lamar isn't about to lay down and let Khloe do him in the butt (not over this anyway). WHEN they divorce, Lamar has agreed to pay Khloe a yearly lump of cash no matter how long their marriage lasts (SPOILER ALERT: not longer than a sneeze). Lamar's deal with the Lakers is worth around $33 million, and he doesn't want Khloe to get her beastly claws on that shit. Lamar doesn't want his income to be community property.

Sources close to Khloe says that she's willing to accept the deal, because she thinks she can get Lamar to loosen up later on.

Khloe should get Lamar to promise that he'll pay for her body waxing sessions and asshole bleaching for the rest of her days. That's a big chunk of cash right there. Khloe should also get Lamar to agree to NEVER EVER raise his lip (see above) like that again. Maybe he thinks that if he makes a "Cowardly Lion after a seizure" face, Khloe will look less beastly. Didn't work.

And just for the record, I'm starting a fan club for Khloe's whore-ensemble. Love that slut dress, but not on Khloe.

Why does Lamar Odom look like he's breaking into his own wedding shot? Notice how he's creeping on in like "Remember me?!" No, we don't. And Khloe Kardashian won't remember his ass either in a couple of months when this bootleg marriage calls it a day.

So, this is what $300,000 bought OK! Magazine. I hope they kept the receipt, because this wasn't even worth two food stamps and a punch card from Arby's. Let's be real, it farts volumes that dim, dude and dumb are sitting in the front while Lamar has been shoved to the back like a prop. And I don't know why Khloe let this happen, because she should be pissed that she's the bride, yet she's the fugliest thing in that shot. Shit, they should've thrown the veil on Lamar. Dude would've made a better bride. I mean, they couldn't use the "de-beast" tool on Khloe to keep her from looking like a fat skunk (no offense to Mr. Bumble) who is staring at us like we're a bacon and butter sandwich?

If OK! Magazine wanted to put a man-on-man wedding on their cover, they should've went with Michael K. Cole and Jamil Smith's luxurious affair. Because this shit right here.....is....well...it's just shit. Poop and simple.

Here's Bruce Jenner arriving at Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom's big gay monster wedding on Sunday looking like a roasted basketball. I'm sure Kobe and Lamar accidentally played ball with Bruce's face during the reception. Anyway, TMZ is saying that Khloe and Lamar didn't actually get married on Sunday as expected. Khloe and Lamar's lawyers still have their dicks out and are trying to work out the whole prenup thing.

Once the prenup is signed, Khloe and Lamar will get married for real real. That's if their relationship lasts that long. Lamar might not want to marry Khloe when she forces him to shave her back during a full moon.

The only reason they went on with the fake wedding is so that E! could capture the beautiful famewhoring moments on camera in time for the season premiere of Keeping Up with the Kardashians in December.

And this is exactly why prenups are the work of the devil! They keep true soulmates like Khloe and Lamar from uniting as one in the eyes of the state and God! Actually, I should keep God out of this. It's hard to unite in front of him when he's giving you the side-eye.

The wart hogs of the world can breathe a sigh of relief tonight, because Khloe Kardashian will not be out hunting them at midnight like usual. That's because she'll be too busy barfing up the essence of holy matrimony! Khloe Kardashian is officially someone's wife! Actually, the wedding might have been just for show since they haven't worked out the prenup yet. Anychynasclitistinglingoverthis...

People confirms that Khloe Kardashian married Lamar Odom in Beverly Hills tonight after dating for about three and a half minutes. The two became husband and beast in front of 250 guests including Ryan Gaycrest, Kelly Osbourne, Kobe Bryant, Lara Spencer, Chelsea Handler, Lala Vasquez and a dozen cameras from E!. Yes, it was as intimate as Katie Couric's colon exam.

Khloe was walked down the aisle by Bruce Jenner, his old face, Kim Kardashian, Kim's fat ass and Kourtney. She wore a gown made by Vera Wang and the guests gave her an A+++ for her tuck game. Khloe's bridesmaids included her two half-sisters Kendall and Kylie who entertained the weddings guests with their pole dancing skills.

The wedding went off without a hitch. Well, there only one awkward moment. When white doves were released during the ceremony, Khloe jumped up into the air, caught one with her mouth and bit its head off. It's instinct!

Let's all stick our asses up in the air and fart one out for the newest spokescouple for marriage and true love! I'm sure they'll prove us hating bitches wrong (no they won't).

Not only does Khloe Kardashian have to worry about how she's going to contain her thirst for the fresh blood of a baby cow during the wedding ceremony, but now she has to fret about prenup issues! Prenup for the pre-op!

TMZ says that lawyers for both Khloe and Lamar Odom (who just signed a $30 million deal with the Lakers) don't have enough time to finish a prenup before their wedding tomorrow. Khloe and Lamar won't move their wedding date, because E! is apparently paying the bill for the $1 million affair. The blessed event is being filmed for one of Khloe's reality shows and Sunday is the only day they can do this. You know, because it's the lord's day. There's no better day to completely shit on the holy union that is marriage. REJOICE!

Apparently, Lamar's lawyers are now working on a postnup, which means they will handle the agreement after the wedding. Also, Sunday's wedding might just be for show (like it already isn't) and the two will legally get married later when the prenup is signed.

I don't even know why the lawyers are sweating over this. Once it's signed, Khloe is just going to break into their offices in the dead of night and swallow the prenup whole so there will no trace of it.

This bunk ass marriage won't even last as long as the time it takes for the lawyers to work out the stupid prenup.