The Other Two Kardashians

So now after reading that headline, you're not only Kartrashian intolerant, but you're lactose intolerant too.

On the next episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle of Hell, Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami,  Kim tells the slow one that she read online that some people use breast milk as a home remedy for psoriasis and ever since she's been pouring tit leche out of the bottle onto her spots, it's helped them a little bit. So, of course, since Kim and Kourtney are always up for making fetish porn, the slow one whips her tit out and dribbles milk all over Kim's leg. Kim starts screaming "EWW! EWWW!," which summoned a dozen bitch-pleases from my mouth. I mean, so suddenly Kim is grossed out by somebody squirting their bodily fluids onto her body in front of a camera for attention? Bitch would've never been famous if it wasn't for somebody shooting a milky substance onto her body. How quickly the fame whores forget.

Then Kim says to Kourtney, "That is so disgusting that you can just squeeze that and have that come out." I say that every time Kim squeezes a "thought" out of her brain. And I guess this means that Kanye will have to breastfeed the Illuminati's golden child. I hope their kid likes the taste of fish milk.

And here's Kim looking like a water buffalo eating a swan while shopping in Paris with Gay Fish.

Because Khloe Kardashian was busy hunting the woods for wart hogs to sacrifice to her kreator and Scott Disick was busy douching out his b-hole with Drakkar Noir, they both had to be Photoshopped into the Kardashian's annual assault on the holidays. Nothing says "family togetherness" like being Photoshopped into your family Christmas card. Last year's theme was "A Bunch of Plastic Tits," the year before's theme was "Konstipated Ghouls" and this year's theme must be "Tampon Ads in Hell" or "Devils in White."

When you go to the afterworld and step out of the elevator, not knowing if it went up or down, and see this image before, don't be fooled by all the happiness and white. If you look closely, you'll see their dead souls and dead eyes. You're not in heaven, you're in the bottom bowels of Hell. You were tricked! I really don't know what's more hilarious, Kim's Predator hair, Scott's amateur Barbizon pose or Bruce Jenner looking like a late-in-life lesbian at a beachside commitment ceremony (read: Bruce has never looked hotter). Kanye Kardashian isn't there, but it was nice of the family to pay homage to him by dressing up like maxi-pads and tampons.

And poor Mercy (RIP), even all the Photoshop in the world couldn't wipe away her permanent miseryface:

But kudos to the photographer for making the entire family look happy by screaming out, "SAY MONAY!"

It's the end of the year so all the whores in Pimp Mama Kris' stable are working hard to meet their yearly quota of photo-ops. So that's why Scott IsADick and the slow Kardashian, wearing Mrs. Roper's old lounging pants, took their two kids to the beach for a little bonding time with the paps. No, I won't judge your gross, shameless ass for staring hard to see if you can make out Scott's peen print. I will let the Sky God judge you for that since lusting after one of his enemy's whores is a sin!

Scott Disick is wearing an eye patch now, because he made the mistake of walking into the Kartrashian family kitchen one day completely sober and without tinted safety goggles on. Bruce Jenner was there and it's natural human instinct to stab yourself in the eye with a kitchen knife after seeing Bruce Jenner's face first thing in the morning. It happens. So that's why Scott is wearing an eye patch and since he's fancy, he had it monogrammed. But what does "LD" stand for? Here's some of my guesses:

- Lord Douchebag
- Little Dick
- Loves Dingleberries
- Living Diaper
- Lucifer's Darling
- Licks DaButt

And on and on and on... I can do that all day. And you know what Penelope can do all day? Throw her mom a side-eye for putting that scarf or pillowcase (or whatever) on her head.

Hillary Clinton can cancel her trip to the Middle East, because future Secretary of State Kim Kartrashian is on her way there (sort of, not really) and will make everything better.

A few days ago, Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig got a bunch of death threats after she tweeted her support for Israel, and later Palestine, while not knowing what in the hell she was talking about. Kim is going to Kuwait and Bahrain to show her plastic face at the openings of several Millions of Milkshakes and while she's there she plans to get educumacateded on the conflict in the Middle East.

A source tells TMZ that Kim has already set up meetings with local leaders, because "she wants to be as informed as possible ... so she can use her celebrity to help those in need and raise awareness about important issues in the area."

Oh, to be a fly on Kim's ass when the local leaders try to keep her attention by acting out the history of the Israeli–Palestinian conflict using dick puppets. I mean, Kim Kuntrashian is not one to look away from dick puppets. You know, I'll give Kim a break this time. Bitch is so dumb that I'm surprised she didn't go to the Morocco Pavilion at Epcot Center to try to learn about the conflict between Israel and Palestine. ("She already did." - a cast member at the Morocco Pavilion)

Here's Kim and the slower one getting the Key to Miami at some ceremony the other day. When Kim's off trying to bring peace to the Middle East, Miami should change the locks.

Thousands of people in the UK went through the following thought process while trying to see the American trash heap heffas that are the Kardashians at the launch of their hideous fashion line:

1. "Oh, I think I'll go to the Westfield London Shopping Centre to see a bunch of American whores!"

Now, you'd think that after that thought, they'd realize that they could waste hours of their lives on waiting to see the Kuntrashians or they could do something more useful like bleach their own assholes with a Clorox pen or put a coat of paint on their assholes and watch it slowly dry in a handheld mirror.

2. "Okay, I'm here, and wow, there's thousands of people in front of me and some waited overnight to see three pieces of trash who are about as talented as a popped pimple on a dog's ass." 

At the point, they probably should've stopped and asked themselves if they really wanted to be grouped in with a bunch of crazy ass bitches who camped out overnight and slept on the ground to see the Kuntrashians at a damn mall.

3. "They've finally opened the doors and everyone's rushing in and some people are fainting from the excitement!"

That's when I'd just give up on life, lay down on the ground and let everyone stampede over me.

Seriously, the Daily Mail said that thousands of people waited hours to see three hams covered in bronzer. Who waits that long to see a Kardashian? Don't they know that it's really easy to see one of those talentless whores. Just a drop 12 inch black dildo in front of a camera and wait about 4 seconds for one of them to start humping it. I swear, the UK's Department of Mental Health missed an opportunity. They should've dropped a giant net on the crowd and dragged them all away.

On the West Coast, Pimp Mama Kris handed out chocolate-covered GPS tracking chips covered to unsuspecting children who have no idea that once they eat it, she'll be able to find them at all times so she can slither into their bedrooms at night and power the dark orb in her chest by siphoning the innocence out of them. And on the East Coast, several of Pimp Mama Kris' hardest working whores whored it up at a Whoreoween party in Miami.

Kim went as Katwoman, Kanye Kardashian went as a gay fish dressed as a bat, the slow one went as Batgirl, the hanger-on one went as The Riddler, someone went as Bruce Jenner and Scott Isadick went as Robin. I like how Scott stuffed his costume pants with a silicone nutsack since PMK confiscated his real ones a long time ago.

In other news, a smog alert was issued for the Miami area and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the musty toxic stench that wafted out of Kim's ass after she was cut out of that rubber katsuit last night.

Congratulations. You don't need to do any cardio today, because I'm sure that as you scrolled down you burned calories from your eyeballs getting bigger, bigger and bigger before landing on the whorrifying image of Kim Kartrashian's hips and crotch looking like a bag of marshmallows blowing up in a microwave set to high. 911 operators in Miami were flooded with calls yesterday from terrified citizens who spotted a giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Whore terrorizing the beaches. "I think it just ate a seagull with its ass!" is probably what one citizen will scream on a 911 tape that TMZ will post any minute now I'm sure.

While shooting scenes for Kim & Kourtney Infect Miami, Kim and the slow one made the innocent children scream themselves into old age by stepping outside yesterday. It's a good thing for Kim that her insides are filled with nothing but the coagulated blood of Lucifer, silicone, enough NBA jizz to start her own dream team and bronzer, because if she had human bones, that gold belt would've cracked one of her ribs in two.

I swear, Kanye West must be the Secretary of Defense for the Illuminati, because he's slowly destroying the eyeballs of humanity by turning Kim into a fugly-dressed missile of destruction.

If you want the extra short version, just spend one second with that picture of Jeremy Renner and then go on your merry way, because that pretty much sums up all his feelings in one flick of a finger.

Jeremy Renner has joined Jon Hamm and Daniel Craig on the growing list of Hollywood actors who think that the Kartrashians are as useful as an ingrown nipple hair. Jeremy was doing an interview with The Guardian's Andrea Hubert about The Bourne Legacy when Andrea decided to make his soul gag by bringing up the Kardashian's name. They were talking about all the stuff that fames brings and Andrea dropped the K bomb, which made Jeremy barf this out:

"Oh, all those ridiculous people with zero talent who spend their lives making sure everyone knows their name. Those stupid, stupid people."

Shhhhh, Jeremy, you'll wake the whore beast that is Pimp Mama Kris and then she'll use that quote to stretch the Kardashians' fame and she'll use it so much that you'll have to legally change your name, because you'll be so sick of hearing the name "Jeremy Renner" fall out of their trash holes. It's probably too late. Pimp Mama Kris is already working on a response and I'm sure she'll call Jeremy classless and say that he's just jealous that he didn't get famous from getting slapped in the ass with Ray-J's boomerang dick on camera. Or maybe Pimp Mama Kris will just take that quote, sprinkle delusional dust on it and then post it on her website. Like this:

"[The Kardashians are] people with... talent [and] everyone knows their name." - Jeremy Renner

Here's that innocent moment in every Kardashian girl's life right before Pimp Mama Kris grabs her, dips her in a bucket of bronzer, stuffs her with butt implants and shoves her out onto the stroll to add to the Kardashian family fortune by winking at every camera pointing at her. Since UsWeekly waved the largest stack of cash at PMK, they won the EXCLUSIVO rights to publish the first pictures of Kourtney Kardashian's second kid, 1-month-old Penelope Scotland Disick. Kourtney was holding that large stack of cash in her left hand (it was PMK's idea), but UsWeekly Photoshopped it out, because they felt it was overkill. Good move.

During the interview, Kourtney slow drooled out a bunch of words that you probably don't care about, but she did say that, "Nothing could prepare me for how hard I fell in love with her." Kourtney spits out words slower than a snail with heat stroke spits out a long-winded queef, so my guess is that UsWeekly's reporter got inpatient, turned the recorder off and went to get lunch before she could finish that sentence. Kourtney obviously went on to say, "......and nothing could prepare me for how hard I fell in love with the big stack of cash you just gave me for this interview."

And you need to slap yourself raw if you're wondering where Scott Sickdick is. Please, Scott Isadick's job here is done for now. Scott provided the baby batter needed to keep the Kardashian's fame whore legacy going, so now he can spend his days doing whatever he wants, which includes shopping at Barney's for silk ascots to wear around his dick. Or he's partaking in PMK's favorite afternoon time activity. Every afternoon, Scott and Lamar gather in PMK's backyard and help Bruce Jenner look for his nuts. It's called the Jenner Egg Hunt and nothing makes PMK cackle more than watching Bruce look behind the bushes for his huevos when she knows that she gave them to her maker Lucifer a long time ago. The dark orb in PMK's chest grows stronger every time poor Bruce jumps out of the bushes holding a shriveled olive and shouts, "I think I found one!"

As the E! cameras rolled and Pimp Mama Kris stood to the side holding a contract for her newest kash kow to sign in blood, the slow one, Kourtney Kardashian, birthed out her second baby, a daughter, in Los Angeles yesterday morning. It won't be long before you see the headline "SCOTLAND CHANGING ITS NAME TO ANYTHING BUT SCOTLAND" and this is the reason why. Right after Kourtney and Scott Disick's second kid learned how to say FML with her eyes while looking at Grandma Bruce's shellacked veal face for the first time, the family gave all the details to E! including the poor child's name:

"Scott and I are overjoyed to welcome our precious angel Penelope Scotland Disick into our lives. We are forever blessed. Mommy and baby are resting comfortably," Kourtney tells E! News.

The 33-year-old E! star had an all-natural birth, and her new mini-me tipped the scales at 7 pounds, 14 ounces.

SCOTLAND? As in Scott Land? Wouldn't Doucheland be more appropriate? But you know, I like the name Penelope and it really fits. No, Kourtney and Scott didn't give Mason's little sister the name PMK wanted, Ka-Ching Kardashian, but Penelope is even better. Just imagine PMK holding her granddaughter while saying, "What a pretty Penny." I see what you did there, Kourtney and Scott.