The Other Two Kardashians

That side-eye Baby Mason is throwing is attached to a thought bubble that reads: "Why does the theme song to Alf play in my head every time I look at your nanunanuface?" But you know, the fact that Kim Kardassian's fucked up face looks like it's sponsored by the UFO Museum of Roswell is a good thing for Baby Mason's fate.

When Michelle Duggar's uterus finally escapes from her body's clutches and mutates into a rage-filled indestructible monster whose one goal is to destroy humanity (yup, this is how it's going to end), the aliens will arrive in their space ships to carry us off to a safer planet. Since Hollywood has taught us to fear all aliens, everybody will run away from them. But Baby Mason will crawl towards their asses screaming "Auntie! Auntie!" SAVED thanks to Kim's scary ass face.

Anyways, here's Kim, Kourtney and the government cheese version of Patrick Bateman arriving in NYC last night to film the next season of Krapping on the Kardashians.

Jackie Collins is going to choke a bitch out when she finds out that her favorite writin' slippers are now on the perfectly manicured precious feet of Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy Scott Di(the "s" is silen)sick. Here's Kourtney and Scott sashaying through NYC yesterday while forcing leopards everywhere to take a bottle of Miss Clairol to their fur.

If Scott is trying to look like a wheezy old queen (Thank you, Alec Baldwin) from Palm Beach who only takes off his leopard slippers so that his hairless South American pool boy can polish his toe nails with one hand while massaging coconut oil into his balls with the other, he's doing it all wrong! Wheezy old queens don't shirts like that! Get yourself a white linen embroidered tunic, Scott! Fuck!

Kobe Bryant's wife Vanessa better sleep in an electrified cage from now on, because she has awoken the rage in Khloe Kardashian it won't be long before her roof is torn off and she's plucked out of bed and carried off to Skull Island never to be heard from again. That's because Vanessa has blacklisted Khloe from the Lakers wives inner circle and won't allow her to sit at their table. Pfft! Like Khloe wants to sit with those round-the-way hags when she could sip on a jug of moonshine with Tim Peeler while he strokes her "bayootiful yallaw-ish hayer-ah" and talks rough to her.

A source tells InTouch that Khloe is dead to Vanessa, and in fact she hates the entire Kardashian family, because she says they are nothing but fame fuckers. The source went on, "At a dinner for the wives, Vanessa didn't want to invite Khloe. She said Khloe is a 'fake wife,' and she didn't want fake wives there."

If Vanessa didn't marry a gazillionaire, she'd be right next to my cousin stocking the shelves with Goya at Northgate Market in El Monte (which is hotter than being married to Kobe Bryant, to be honest), so she just needs to drop the Tanya Turner shit. But if Vanessa insists on throwing Khloe hate, then I say we throw both of them in a covered dumpster with a bunch of wild turkeys and pray only the wild turkeys make it out in one piece.

A few days ago the creatures of the forest were left shaking in fear after hearing that a new Kardashian Sasquatch might be galloping through their parts soon to eat their young and hump their trees. But they can stop leaving extra Bigfoot traps out for now, because Khloe Kardashian claims she's pregnant with a gurgling lump of lard. Not a baby.

When Entertainment Tonight asked Khloe if the Kardashian family is adding another employee to their pay roll, she bluntly said, "No, I'm just fat." Khloe's mom Kris added, "If Khloe is pregnant, I would be the first to yell it. So, no, she's not -- unless they're holding out on me, in which case they're both grounded."

And since every Kardashian needs to wrap their mouth around a mic when near one, Rob also farted out his two pieces of caca regarding his sister being knocked up, "She's not pregnant. I live with those two, and I would know if she was pregnant."

Khloe is funny. Khloe's pimp QuickTrim should really add her "I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat" quote to every one of their boxes.

And that noise you just heard was every one of QuickTrim's competitors popping their load simultaneously.

That's what Radar is saying anyways. They claim that Khloe Kardashian is the third pregnant dude in history, because she's expecting her first child with husband Lamar Odom. If this is true, this will be Lamar's third child. So that howling coming from Khloe's womb area wasn't just gas from the wart hog she attacked and fed on during the night. It's a baby (or an adorable cover of Life & Style as the Kardashian family calls it).

A source close to the family tells Radar that Khloe is around 2 months pregnant, “Khloe was inspired by Kourtney having a baby. Lamar is happy and ecstatic about having a baby with Khloe. Khloe is having cravings of fruit and ice cream. They’re really happy, but Lamar is a little weary of exposing his baby on TV. He already doesn’t like his life being played out for everyone to see eight months of the year.”

Lamar is new here right, because the Kardassians won't even take a shit unless a camera is between their legs.

And while I'm sure the baby sasquatches of the forest are pounding their little chest bones in excitement, the rest of us will suffer for the next few months hearing about every little single detail of Khloe's pregnancy. Because we need to know that she's craving otter blood and that her pregnancy farts smell like boiled bull hair and old brisket.

Kourtney Kardashian's tortured baby Mason Dash Dicksick isn't even a month old and he's already got a few magazine covers stuffed into his diapers. And in every picture I've seen of him, Mason's got his eyes sealed shut as if he's just seen Bruce Jenner's face.

I know you're probably saying some shit about how all newborns keep their eyes shut, but this is Kourtney Kardashian's baby we're talking about. That boy does not want to witness a trainwreck over and over again. Mason only opens one of his eyes to see if the coast is clear so he can make his escape.

When Mason wiggles his ears, Kourtney probably thinks her soothing voice is tickling his lobes. NO BITCH, he's just trying to find a way to close his ear holes too.

And is it just me, or does Kourtney have 5 o'clock Khloe face on that cover?

Source: Life & Style via Cover Awards

Here's Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Dicksick with their 20-second-old baby Mason Dash on the cover of Life & Style this week.

Doesn't Kourtney just look so happy? She has that sparkle in her eyes all new mothers get when posing on the cover of a tabloid with their newborn baby. Actually, that sparkle might be from the dollar signs that popped up in her eyes after noticing the check from Life & Style on the table in front of her.

And Scott still looks like he'd shove a block of cheese up your snatch and release the rats.

Poor Mason. Somebody should whisper in his hear to not open up his eyes until he's at least 18. It's for his own good.

While Kourtney Kardashian is desperately trying to find the "sleep mode" button on her brand new baby boy, some model-type has come forward claiming that he could be her son's real biological father. Before you ask yourself who in the fuck would ever admit to that, you should know that this model/rapper goes by the stage name "Premo Stallone." Yes, a dude who gets his stage name from the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator is exactly the kind of bitch who will admit to being the father of a Kardashian baby.

Premo (real name: Michael Girgenti) tells Star Magazine that he had a down low affair with Kourtney while she was broken up with her Patrick Bateman wannabe boyfriend, Scott Dickhead. Kourtney has always claimed that Scott is the father, but one of her friends said, "Kourtney hooked up with Michael twice while she and Scott were on the outs. He's definitely been mentioned as a possibility for being the father of her baby."

When Star asked Premo if there's a possibility that he made a baby with Kourtney, he answered, "You could say that, yeah."

Didn't Premo Stallone and Kourtney get the catchy memo from Jacqueline Ray that STDs are on the run? Not only that, but the earth is rapidly losing all of its precious resources because of all those damn BABIES! They are sucking us dry!

Come over here, Premo Stallone! Hold real still while I permanently sew up your peen hole. Don't worry, I'll give it a little kiss aftewards. Well, he's kind of hot....even if he does have the name of a cologne sold at Walgreens.

There's good news and horrific news. The good news it that we no longer have to hear every single gory detail about Kourtney Kardashian's adventures in pregnancy. The horrific news is that we now have to hear about her adventures in baby raising, because E! Online says that Kourtney and her asshole boyfriend Scott Disick are now parents to a baby boy. Kourtney's spokesbitch made the announcement just one hour after she gave birth. Doing it like a true famewhore does.

Kourtney and Scott's new son weighed in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces and he now goes by the name Mason Dash Disick. Or "You Poor Thing" to the rest of us. Dash isn't only the ham in Kourtney's last name, but it's also the name of the clothing store she owns with her family.

I really feel for Baby Dash Dick Stick. Kourtney is a dumb fuck, and Scott has roofie eyes, so I can't even imagine dealing with those two on a daily basis.

Baby Dash is probably trying to find a way to switch himself with a Baby Alive doll. If you see Kourtney on the cover of Life & Style with a Baby Alive, don't say SHIT. For the sake of Baby Dash's sanity, just let her believe!

Khloe Kardashian already said that her sister Kourtney plans to stick her nipple into her kid's mouth until it graduates from kindergarten. I'm being positive in thinking that her baby will graduate kindergarten. When in fact, as soon as it learns to crawl, it will head to the hills to be raised by coyotes (led by Queen Daisy).

Anyway, Khloe continued to point and laugh at her sister by telling Ryan Gaycrest on his radio show the other day that Kourtney mistakenly thought her water broke at lunch. Khloe roared: "She's never experienced it; she has no idea. She was out at lunch – this is TMI – and some fluid came down her leg and she was like, 'My water broke!' She bbm'd me and I go, 'No, no, no, you will know. You're fine.'"

I know it sounds like Kourtney was simply partaking in Kim's favorite midnight sport by Fergie-ing herself in the restaurant. But the truth is, that wasn't an R. Kelly special running down Kourtney's leg, it was the tears of her unborn baby! That poor thing knows D Day is coming.

Here's Kourtney (THIS TRICK IS GOING TO BE SOMEONE'S MOTHER!) and her boyfriend Scott Disick (the s is silent) having lunch the other day in L.A.