We Can All Go Home Now

A police officer in Arkansas was suspended with pay after he tasered a 10-year-old girl who was throwing a fit on the floor. The officer was not suspended for electrocuting the girl. He was suspended because he did not have a camera with him to record the incident. The police department was probably pissed about the camera thing, because they figured footage like that would've won them first place on America's Funniest Home Videos. Ugh.

It all started when the 10-year-old refused to take a shower and go to bed. The girl did what most 10-year-olds do when they don't get their way - she threw a fit. Most good mothers would give the girl a cocktail or a bong to calm her down. But this dumb ass mother called the police.

When Officer Dustin Bradshaw showed up to the home, he found the girl (who is 4'6" and weighs 65 pounds) screaming and kicking. According to the police report, the mother told Officer Dustin that he could tase her if he needed to. Officer Bradshaw wrote in the report that he tried to get the girl to stop by telling her she was going to jail, but homegirl was not scared. She is obviously a proud graduate of Latarian Milton's University of Hood Rat Stuff.

Officer Dustin stepped up his game and tried to handcuff the girl. She fought with him and ended up kicking him in the nuts. That's when Officer Dustin said he "lightly stunned" her in the back. The girl stopped fighting and Officer Dustin was able to handcuff her. She wouldn't walk, so he had to carry her to the police car. She was then transported to a youth shelter.

The police chief pretty much stood by his officer's decision. He said that the girl will be charged with disorderly conduct and the officer won't face additional disciplinary action.

The girl's father however wants the Arkansas State Police to investigate the incident. If they won't, he's going to ask the FBI for help. He said, "My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal."

Everyone is going CRAZY! Babies are getting slapped by strange pepaws at Wal-Mart! Kids are getting maced by drag queens on the subway! And now little girls are getting tasered by police officers while their mothers shake their heads in approval. What the hell is next? We shouldn't be surprised if we hear about a kindergarten teacher engaging in a shoot out with her students on the playground.

Sources: Fox News and TSG

The full cast of the UK's I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here was announced this morning, and unfortunately Detective La Toya Jackson isn't going to make it to the jungle after all. But glamour model turned pop icon turned gayelle champion Samantha Fox will! That means we will finally get that jungle acoustic version of "I Wanna Have Some Fun."

The cast also includes a bunch of hos I've never ever heard of. I took a few shots of the sweet nectar (for clarity) and I still have no clue. I need Detective La Toya to solve the mystery of some of these people's careers. Here they are:

Stuart Manning of Hollyoaks - No clue.
Lucy Benjamin formerly of EastEnders - No clue.
Sabrina Washington formerly of Mis-Teeq - No clue.
Gino D'Acampo, celebrity chef - No Clue.
Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister, interior designers and reality stars - Yes. I know these bitches.
George Hamilton, a leather duffel bag - Yes. I know this bitch.
Kim Woodburn of How Clean Is Your House? - Yes. I know this bitch.
Camilla Dallerup of Strictly Come Dancing - No Clue.
Jimmy White, snooker star - No Clue.

Katie Price, who was already on that shit a few years ago, is expected to join the cast in a couple of weeks. But first, Katie has to finish getting her monthly maintenance in Los Angeles (tits rotated, vagina resuscitated, lips plumped, etc....). Pictures below.

I know some of you out there have scratches on your peen from getting down with a pair of fake vampire teeth while thinking of Viking Eric from True Blood! You know who are you (Tommy Girl). Well, you can put those vampire teeth away, because here's something you can safely wrap around your wang. It's the Count Cockula, and the only thing it will hurt is your dignity!

For those of you who prefer your beejes without teeth, let the description really sell it to you:

Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead. Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product.

And if you're really feeling kinky/lonely, you can use the Count Cockula with the Twidildo! It will be like having a threesome with RPattz and Vampire Beeehl. You won't need lube since your tears of self-pity will get the Count Cockula nice and wet!

With all that being said, I'd hit it. I'm joking (no, I'm not).

(Thanks Thomas)

This is an unofficial sequel to The Chinatown MUNI Fight called Don't Fuck With A Big Bitch In A Hot Pink Dress.

Actually, don't mess with anybody on public transportation. This is why you keep your eyes, ears and mouth to yourself. SEE NO EVIL!

A mother and her son didn't abide by those rules of life when they were riding through Los Angeles the other day. They decided to bring the hate and start some shit with the wrong tranny on her birthday. And yes, the tranny decided to give herself a little birthday gift by spraying the kid in the face with mace before disappearing into the night. You know, I think I'm going to walk from now on....

And please don't tell me "macing a kid on the subway" is the new "slapping a kid in Walmart."

Source: You Know You Dead Azz Wrong via Crunk + Disorderly

Bronson Pinchot pirouetted into our no-hearts when he spilled the shit on Tommy Girl, Denzel Washington and Eddie Murphy to The Onion's A.V. Club. In the interview, which was so beautiful that I almost tattooed it to my asshole (it's long enough), Bronson said that Denzel is about as pleasant as taking a dump in a truck stop bathroom, and that Tommy Girl is an expert at telling homophobic jokes (example: "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?").

The Wall Street Journal contacted Bronson to see if he was just making jokes or if he was being serious. Bronson took the time to explain:

WSJ: Were you serious or joking when you said Tom Cruise made “constant unrelated homophobic comments” while on the “Risky Business” set?

"The context of the question was, 'how did he strike me as a person' at a point in his career when he was a virtual unknown. And my answer was that, coming straight out of the world of theater, as essentially all the supporting male actors did, where homophobic language was not heard, I remember thinking his use of it was remarkable and excessive; however, it is also true to say, in hindsight, that for a 20 year-old with no background in theater, such language is actually unremarkable. Which I did not know at 23."

WSJ: What about the remark that Denzel Washington is one of the most unpleasant people you’ve met?

"I regret my choice of words there, and would like to amend my statement by saying I found his willingness to be ungenerous, unkind, knowingly hurtful both mentally and physically to myself and the crew to be the saddest misuse of stardom I have ever experienced or hope to experience."

WSJ: Did either actor, or their reps, contact you after the story broke?

"No."

So, basically, Bronson is standing by his words of poetry. If that man ever needs a nipple, he can have mine.

And Tommy Girl hasn't contacted Bronson, because he's waiting until the two meet in a dark alley somewhere. When that moment finally comes, Tommy will snap at Suri to hit "play" on his princess boombox, and he will challenge Bronson to a swish off! Bronson better work on his sway, because Tommy will bring it hard!

There's a perfectly good reason for why David Cross looks like he has a chronic case of the Lohans in the picture above (with his girlfriend Amber Tamblyn). That's because his nostrils might have just skied down the cokey mountain. In an interview with Newser, Tobias from Arrested Development says that he was dared to snort a line of the white stuff at the White House Correspondents Dinner (which was not held in the White House, unfortunately). David took the dare even though President Obama was only a few skips away. Why so hardcore, David?

David said, “It’s crazy and there’s security, Secret Service is standing there. I’ve got photos of all this. … I’m there and the president is right here and with all these people at the table. Maybe 40 feet from the president of the United States!”

And right after David finished off his line, Dubya popped up from under the table just to "say hi."

UPDATE: And here's the e-mail where David Cross announces that he conquered the dare.

(Thanks Joe)

Fergie is giving it to us on a shiny toilet seat! Bitch is setting herself up! WWD says that the Dutchess of Diapers has a signed a multi-year deal with Avon, and her first project with them will be a fragrance. For real, Fergie must love people taking the piss out of her.

Fergie's fragrance will be out next year. It will available through your local Avon lady (there's two in every family) or you can buy it in urinal cake form at any gas station off the highway.

They haven't come up with a title yet, but methinks they can't choose between "Meth Meth Lemonade" or "Eau De Ewww."

Apparently, Gumby's friend Goo and Chav Gollum had a secret love child the world never knew about it. Well, now she's all grown-up and modeling for Ralph Lauren . Naturally!

Photoshop Disasters found another work of Photoshopped fuckery courtesy of the brilliant artists at Ralph Lauren. RL already brought the sowwies for that one ad starring Filippa Hamilton, but they haven't said shit about this one which is currently on display in a department store window in Australia.

Obviously, we all need to get jobs at Ralph Lauren, because everyone there is the huffing, puffing and snorting all sorts of the BAD SHIT.

Who cares if you've only got one working eye, no hands and suffer from an overactive bladder. Ralph Lauren will still hire you to Photoshop their ads!

We knew them when.....

On last night's The Office, Dwight made the best decision of his life when he covered his succulent titty hocks with the all-powerful Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt! Seriously, they are going places. Don't be surprised if you hear that the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt is starring in the next Twilight movie, or that they are putting out a single with Kanye West, or that they have been seen "canoodling" with Megan Fox (please don't let there be a sex tape). Ah-woooooo!

Those three bitches and that moon are even more magical than I thought. Normally when I see a cell phone clipped to a belt, all the moisture in my eyeballs gets sucked out. But my eyelids didn't even have a seizure when Dwight came out with a cell phone clipped to his belt! It's the magic of the three wolves at work. They better get 3 Emmy awards for this!

Image VIA Mashable

The next time (aka today after work) you get into fight of words and slaps with a fellow traveler on public transportation, just know that someone could be filming that shit! Make sure you look hot. Thankfully, this battle over a bus seat on San Francisco's Muni was captured on a dude's cell phone.

Apparently, the two ladies were fighting over a seat (aren't they always) when shit got really real! Basically, the argument consisted of the words: fuck, you, stupid, bitch. It's like I wrote the dialogue for this fight. Those are really the only words you know when you're battling a bitch over a seat!

After they blew air kisses at each other for a while, the fists started flying! AND HOW! I'm pretty sure I saw the Asian lady deliver a drop kick on the other chick. Damn. That is some Mortal Kombat shit. Level her up! The Fight Queen of Muni!

When video of the fight made its way on to YouTube, Muni said they are investigating the incident. They said the bus operator should have notified the SFPD about the fight, but they did not. That's because the bus driver was probably too busy betting on a winner.

VIA SFist