We Can All Go Home Now

I'm all for finding a person in the world who loves nothing more than to cuddle up on your genitals, but YOUR OWN ABUELITA?!

This story is as uncomfortable as a sex nightmare about one of your relatives. Meet 72-year-old Pearl of Indiana and her 26-year-old biological grandson Phil. They are in love and they are having a child together via a surrogate. From New Zealand's New Idea:

Pearl Carter is positively glowing with joy. She has a handsome new boyfriend, is enjoying an active sex life after many years of celibacy and, amazingly, is preparing to become a mother again.

But the retired grandmother isn't carrying the baby herself. She and her young lover have spent a staggering $54,000 hiring a surrogate to help them with their dreams of having a child.

What makes Pearl's decision to become a mum again even more shocking is that her new boyfriend is her biological grandson, 26-year-old Phil Bailey.

Phil is the son of Pearl's daughter Lynette Bailey, and the pair is braving public horror and even prison by breaking one of the last taboos – incest.

However, the pair makes no apologies for their controversial plan to start their own family.

'I'm not interested in anyone else's opinion,' Pearl says. 'I am in love with Phil and he's in love with me. Soon I'll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad'.

Phil adds, 'I love Pearl with all my heart. I've always been attracted to older women and I think Pearl is gorgeous. Now I'm going to be a dad and I can't wait.

Phil and Pearl didn't meet until he was 18-years-old. Pearl gave Phil's mother up for adoption shortly after she had her. Phil didn't try to find Pearl until his mother died of brain cancer. Phil sent Pearl a letter which led to them meeting face to face. Pearl describes how her dry desert of a vagina filled with lady jizz when she first laid eyes on Phil:

From the first moment that I saw him, I knew we would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship,' Pearl remembers happily. 'For the first time in years I felt sexually alive.'

Phil admits that he had the same feelings towards Pearl.

'I wanted to kiss her there and then,' he says. 'My feelings were overwhelming.'

The pair spent the first week shopping, bowling and eating out. During the second week, giggly on wine after a night out, Pearl decided she wasn't going to deny her feelings anymore

Confused, Pearl talked to a friend, who told her about an article she'd read on Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), which occurs when close relatives meet as adults and are attracted to each other.

'I could now understand my feelings and realize they weren't wrong,' Pearl says.

Pearl and Phil have been together since 2006. A year ago they decided to use Pearl's retirement money to hire a surrogate to carry their child. Pearl says, "I am finally going to be a mum and not forced to give up my child. Phil's going to be a great dad. I never in a million years thought at 72 I'd be "pregnant" and in love with my grandson. I make no apologies and I believe God's given me a second chance."

I'm trying not to judge, but grandmas are supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chankla! They aren't supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chocha! Grandmas are supposed to serve you a warm apple fritter on a cold day. They aren't supposed to serve you a piece of their lukewarm crotch fritter! Grandmas should have a name like Pearl. They shouldn't lick their dentures in ecstasy when you give them a pearl necklace. You should get your grandmother a cotton robe on Mother's Day. You shouldn't get your grandmother crotchless panties for Mother's Day!

If this story was a paint color, it's name would be: EVERY SHADE OF WRONG.

With that being said, I awkwardly congratulate these two. I also thank them for giving me a reason to fire up the bong early. Thank you.

(Thanks to Chessa too)

The family of 22-year-old murder victim David Morales Colón opted not to display his body in a coffin during his wake, and instead they asked the funeral director at Marin Funeral Home in San Juan, Puerto Rico to prop him on a Honda motorcycle his uncle bought for him. And now he's speeding down the freeway in heaven WITHOUT a helmet on. Good going, Marin Funeral Home.

By the way, this is the same funeral home that granted a young dude's wish by standing his body upright during his 3-day wake.

You know, maybe the Colón family has the right idea. We should all be buried doing what we love most. Shauna Sand will be buried in a giant lucite heel, Tiger Woods will be buried with a cocktail waitress' crotch on his face, Ashton Kutcher will be buried licking the Twitter app on his Blackberry, and I'll be buried sitting on the sofa in torn chonies with a Big Gulp cup filled with Strawberry Hill in one hand.

via Autoblog (Thanks M.E.)

Twitter is really going to be the death of us all. Since April 15th is already the worst day of the year, let's go out with a bang (to the genitals). Here's Michael Lohan showing off his overcooked, overplucked and overfucked body on Twitter.

Stick a Little Tree under your nostrils, because this picture reeks of Axe, 2-week-old cigarette butts found in the gutter, Pisco Sours, a burnt tampon, baby oil and taint cheese.

But seriously, you don't have to act like you wouldn't chew on his nipples even though they look like puss-filled butt pimples. On second thought, if you really feel that way maybe you should act like you wouldn't.....

Source: Michael Lohan's Twitter (which is a treasure trove of fuckery in itself) via ONTD

Nobody can impersonate a pack of crazed, rabies-infested dogs like this Australian man can. Somebody needs to tell him that the next time a pack of crazed, rabies-infested dogs try to attack him, he should just do his "psycho dog thing." Doggy heart attacks all around!

A dingo didn't eat my baby! Psycho Dog Man did!

via TDW

37-year-old Megan Mariah Barnes was arrested last week in Florida after she caused a two-car crash on the highway, because she was shaving her bikini line behind the wheel. If that doesn't make your crotch hairs twitch, it gets better. While Megan was busy shaving her coochie coo, her ex-husband, who was sitting in the passenger seat, held the steering wheel for her.

One day before the shave and crash, Megan was convicted of DUI and driving with a suspended license, so she shouldn't have been driving in the first place.

The officer at the scene told KeyNews.com (via HuffPo) that Megan told him she was shaving her business on the road, because she was "meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit."

Megan was charged with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance.

Okay, these are my questions:

1. Is "I'll just shave my pussy in the car" the new "I'll just put my lipstick on in the car"?
2. Why couldn't Megan's ex-husband drive the car while she got her vagina sex-ready in the backseat? That's how a real lady does it.
3. Megan's ex-husband sniffs gas, right? Because who in Trish Cyrus Hell would hold the wheel while their ex-wife cleans up her punane to do fuck times with her boyfriend?!
4. Megan sniffs gas, right?
5. Couldn't Megan just spread a little Nair on her crotch before getting into the car and let it eat her pubes while she drove to the Super 8 to meet her boyfriend?
5. Megan obviously cares about maintaining her pussay situation at any cost, but why isn't she showing any love to those wrong ass ROOTS?! Bitch should've been touching up her roots in the car instead!

And just when I think Florida has given all it has to give, it gives even more. If Florida needed me to hold the steering wheel while it shaved its cooze in the car, I'd gladly do it.

This video of two My Little Ponies lip-synching to show tunes will make all your previous acid flashbacks seem inadequate.

via Buzzfeed

When Joan Henrietta Collins hit the runway at the Red Dress fashion show in NYC last night, every single person in the audience slapped themselves as though it had come from the diamond-covered hand of Alexis Carrington herself. And then Joan spread her chiffon red wings at the end of the catwalk, everybody in the room got a text message from their husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or mother saying that they were leaving them for Joan Collins. That's right. Only this glamorous rhinestone minx can steal your man and slap you in the face with simply the raise of her wrist.

The homely creatures who followed Joan's eyelash-singing entrance should've stayed in the back eating stale bagels. Even if unicorns came flying out of their assholes, they still couldn't beat Joan.

If you feel like you need an ice cube on your tongue to heal the burns left by Joan Collins, here's pictures of everyone else who walked in the Red Dress show last night. They are: Raven (who looked like she had just suffered hours of electro-shock therapy), Kim Kardashian, Kristen Chenoweth, Felicity Huffman, Valerie Harper, Hasselcrack, Heidi Klum, Kimora the Terrible, and Bethenny Frankel.

Did St. Angie's hypnotic vagina tried to tame Lady CaCa's hermie peen? Did St. Angie bless Lady CaCa's tuck with her tongue? Did Lady CaCa lick on St. Angie's holy place? This is what someone whispered into the ear of Brangelina biographer Ian Halperin during an acid flashback. Ian wrote on his blog (via Showbiz Spy):

A source close to the actress told IUC late last night that there was recently a secret rendezvous between the two at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel that lasted all night. Apparently, Angie is obsessed with Lady GaGa. Still, I reserve judgment on this one until I see more proof. Developing…

This is what happens fan fiction GOES WRONG. Although, there's a chance this could be true. Maybe CaCa got sexy with St. Angie to get back into God's good graces, because Megan Phelps says he kind of hates her right now. Speaking of.....

Remember that "God Hates GaGa" song the hatress of hate put out last month? Well, she also put together a video using the old PC Junior computer my mom sold for $5 at a yard sale in the late 80s. I was wondering what became of that thing. Here's Megan's video:

Jokes on Megan, because God Hates HAGS too! So I guess Megan and I will be freaking on each other's legs to a Lady CaCa song on a dancefloor in Hell.

via ONTD

That is not a picture from the conception of Chicken Cutlets. It's from the 2pznappod blog who witnessed some crazy bitch Borat-ing a chicken on the 6 train in NYC last night. Actually, he out-Borated Borat by sharing an intimate moment with the chicken in front of everyone. Get a coop!

But seriously, you can't fully put the blame on the chicken humper. He's just taking orders from Ernie Anastos. Clip below:

You know, the chicken really does look alluring. The dude just can't help it. And imagine what he does with a 6-piece Chicken McNugget from McDonald's? He brings his own sauce.

The Chin sings! The curtain is about to fall on the long drawn-out melodramatic butt opera starring Conan O'Brien and NBC. The peacock announced this morning that after a long night of negotiations (please, you know they were just passing the bong around), a divorce settlement with Conan has been reached. They will put out an official official statement later on this morning.

According to the New York Times, the agreement is worth $45 million. Conan gave up some of his own severance to his staff. In the end, Conan's checking account will get stuffed with around $32 million. Conan's staff will get the rest.

Per the agreement, Conan can sashay over to a new network in about 8 months. Conan's manager issued a statement to the Wall Street Journal, and said that he can't wait to return to late night:

"Conan was appreciative of the steps NBC made to take care of his staff and crew, and decided to supplement the severance they were getting out of his own pocket. Now he just wants to get back on the air as quickly as possible."

Conan's final song and dance for NBC will be this Friday. After that, Conan will be free to apply a heaping amount of SPF:Infinity onto his nalgas and spend the next few months sunning his shit.

And now, every member of the "I'm With Coco" movement can re-purpose their posters and get behind a REAL cause:

TRUTH!

(CoCo image via Buzzfeed)