We Can All Go Home Now
Did St. Angie's hypnotic vagina tried to tame Lady CaCa's hermie peen? Did St. Angie bless Lady CaCa's tuck with her tongue? Did Lady CaCa lick on St. Angie's holy place? This is what someone whispered into the ear of Brangelina biographer Ian Halperin during an acid flashback. Ian wrote on his blog (via Showbiz Spy):
A source close to the actress told IUC late last night that there was recently a secret rendezvous between the two at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel that lasted all night. Apparently, Angie is obsessed with Lady GaGa. Still, I reserve judgment on this one until I see more proof. Developing…
This is what happens fan fiction GOES WRONG. Although, there's a chance this could be true. Maybe CaCa got sexy with St. Angie to get back into God's good graces, because Megan Phelps says he kind of hates her right now. Speaking of.....
Remember that "God Hates GaGa" song the hatress of hate put out last month? Well, she also put together a video using the old PC Junior computer my mom sold for $5 at a yard sale in the late 80s. I was wondering what became of that thing. Here's Megan's video:
Jokes on Megan, because God Hates HAGS too! So I guess Megan and I will be freaking on each other's legs to a Lady CaCa song on a dancefloor in Hell.
That is not a picture from the conception of Chicken Cutlets. It's from the 2pznappod blog who witnessed some crazy bitch Borat-ing a chicken on the 6 train in NYC last night. Actually, he out-Borated Borat by sharing an intimate moment with the chicken in front of everyone. Get a coop!
But seriously, you can't fully put the blame on the chicken humper. He's just taking orders from Ernie Anastos. Clip below:
You know, the chicken really does look alluring. The dude just can't help it. And imagine what he does with a 6-piece Chicken McNugget from McDonald's? He brings his own sauce.
The Chin sings! The curtain is about to fall on the long drawn-out melodramatic butt opera starring Conan O'Brien and NBC. The peacock announced this morning that after a long night of negotiations (please, you know they were just passing the bong around), a divorce settlement with Conan has been reached. They will put out an official official statement later on this morning.
According to the New York Times, the agreement is worth $45 million. Conan gave up some of his own severance to his staff. In the end, Conan's checking account will get stuffed with around $32 million. Conan's staff will get the rest.
Per the agreement, Conan can sashay over to a new network in about 8 months. Conan's manager issued a statement to the Wall Street Journal, and said that he can't wait to return to late night:
"Conan was appreciative of the steps NBC made to take care of his staff and crew, and decided to supplement the severance they were getting out of his own pocket. Now he just wants to get back on the air as quickly as possible."
Conan's final song and dance for NBC will be this Friday. After that, Conan will be free to apply a heaping amount of SPF:Infinity onto his nalgas and spend the next few months sunning his shit.
And now, every member of the "I'm With Coco" movement can re-purpose their posters and get behind a REAL cause:
(CoCo image via Buzzfeed)
Star Magazine doesn't want you to fully digest food or feel any life in your genitals today, so they have put OctoMom on their cover with the words "My New Bikini Body." Sperm counts will drop!
I also have a feeling that supermarket checkout lines will be a ghost town this week, because when hos get a good look at this, they will abandon their shopping cart full of food and go back to bed! I think I'd rather see Glenn Beck's new bikini body (which looks something like this) than OctoCrazy's. NOT TODAY. NOT EVER.
In the issue, Octo claims that a back alley surgeon's rusty knife didn't help her lose the baby weight. Octo says it was equal parts exercise, diet and determination, "I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it on my own, naturally. My friends call me Rubber Band because I always snapped back so quickly after my other kids!"
No, they call her rubber band, because her uterus is being held together with one. And this loon didn't lose the weight with diet and exercise. Bitch's fat cells can't even stand to be near her, so they quietly slipped out the back door. Octo's uterus tried to be slick and go with them, but she has a tracking system on that bitch. It's not going anywhere.
On last night's Lopez Tonight, Jennifer Love Hewitt was on the show to whore out her new book on relationships and dating. That's another joke for another day. In the book, JLove writes about how she decorated her vagina with crystals after a break-up. Yes, bitch gave herself an Edward Cullen creampie!
JLove loves her disco ball pussy so much that she thinks all women should look like Glamberace directly blew an air kiss into their coochie.
Is nothing sacred anymore?! There's already a pussy dye out to make your labia toddler pink again, and now JLove wants you to throw some rhinestones on it?! FOR WHY?! Is JLove's vagina going to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars? Seriously, unless you're planning on entering your pussy into a child beauty pageant or RuPaul's Drag Race, there's no reason for you to vagazzle your business.
That being said, I must excuse myself, because my no-no has an intimate date with a BeDazzler.
Jersey Shore won't be the only reality show this winter that will make you want go to confession and dip your genitals in a bowl of holy water. Starting January 3rd, Vh1 is rolling out The Enterainer's (of I Love New York & I Love Money) own reality dating show called....Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. Yes, this motherfucker is called A BASEMENT AFFAIR! Solange (aka Basement Baby) better be ringing all the alarms over this mess. They are infringing on her copyright! While I search the PennySaver for a lawyer who will work for moth balls, read the show's description:
Fifteen beautiful women traveled to New York for Frank, only to find out that they won’t be living in the elaborate mansion they expected – they will be living in Frank’s parents’ house! Outspoken Mom Susan and Dad Gary are so desperate to have 32-year-old Frank move out of their basement that they have decided to make finding Frank love a family affair.
The girls will have to compete for Frank’s love, and follow Mom and Dad’s house rules if they want to stay in the house. Each week at elimination, Frank will give the ladies keys to his basement, and those locked out will have to pack up, and move out.
Vh1 doesn't even have a barrel to scrape from anymore. Remember the golden days of Vh1 when a tramp could hold her head up high after being cast in Flavor of Love 2? The local strip club would throw her a pussy parade and she'd get the official key to the city's free clinic? The hos of A Basement Affair won't even get a complimentary side of cole slaw at Denny's! Sigh.
That being said, my Tivo will be hugging this show. I mean, how can I say no to these 5 lovelies below? The first lady below is Ann. I think she can stumbled into the basement on accident while making her way to a knitting circle.
A police officer in Arkansas was suspended with pay after he tasered a 10-year-old girl who was throwing a fit on the floor. The officer was not suspended for electrocuting the girl. He was suspended because he did not have a camera with him to record the incident. The police department was probably pissed about the camera thing, because they figured footage like that would've won them first place on America's Funniest Home Videos. Ugh.
It all started when the 10-year-old refused to take a shower and go to bed. The girl did what most 10-year-olds do when they don't get their way - she threw a fit. Most good mothers would give the girl a cocktail or a bong to calm her down. But this dumb ass mother called the police.
When Officer Dustin Bradshaw showed up to the home, he found the girl (who is 4'6" and weighs 65 pounds) screaming and kicking. According to the police report, the mother told Officer Dustin that he could tase her if he needed to. Officer Bradshaw wrote in the report that he tried to get the girl to stop by telling her she was going to jail, but homegirl was not scared. She is obviously a proud graduate of Latarian Milton's University of Hood Rat Stuff.
Officer Dustin stepped up his game and tried to handcuff the girl. She fought with him and ended up kicking him in the nuts. That's when Officer Dustin said he "lightly stunned" her in the back. The girl stopped fighting and Officer Dustin was able to handcuff her. She wouldn't walk, so he had to carry her to the police car. She was then transported to a youth shelter.
The police chief pretty much stood by his officer's decision. He said that the girl will be charged with disorderly conduct and the officer won't face additional disciplinary action.
The girl's father however wants the Arkansas State Police to investigate the incident. If they won't, he's going to ask the FBI for help. He said, "My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal."
Everyone is going CRAZY! Babies are getting slapped by strange pepaws at Wal-Mart! Kids are getting maced by drag queens on the subway! And now little girls are getting tasered by police officers while their mothers shake their heads in approval. What the hell is next? We shouldn't be surprised if we hear about a kindergarten teacher engaging in a shoot out with her students on the playground.
The full cast of the UK's I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here was announced this morning, and unfortunately Detective La Toya Jackson isn't going to make it to the jungle after all. But glamour model turned pop icon turned gayelle champion Samantha Fox will! That means we will finally get that jungle acoustic version of "I Wanna Have Some Fun."
The cast also includes a bunch of hos I've never ever heard of. I took a few shots of the sweet nectar (for clarity) and I still have no clue. I need Detective La Toya to solve the mystery of some of these people's careers. Here they are:
Stuart Manning of Hollyoaks - No clue.
Lucy Benjamin formerly of EastEnders - No clue.
Sabrina Washington formerly of Mis-Teeq - No clue.
Gino D'Acampo, celebrity chef - No Clue.
Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister, interior designers and reality stars - Yes. I know these bitches.
George Hamilton, a leather duffel bag - Yes. I know this bitch.
Kim Woodburn of How Clean Is Your House? - Yes. I know this bitch.
Camilla Dallerup of Strictly Come Dancing - No Clue.
Jimmy White, snooker star - No Clue.
Katie Price, who was already on that shit a few years ago, is expected to join the cast in a couple of weeks. But first, Katie has to finish getting her monthly maintenance in Los Angeles (tits rotated, vagina resuscitated, lips plumped, etc....). Pictures below.
I know some of you out there have scratches on your peen from getting down with a pair of fake vampire teeth while thinking of Viking Eric from True Blood! You know who are you (Tommy Girl). Well, you can put those vampire teeth away, because here's something you can safely wrap around your wang. It's the Count Cockula, and the only thing it will hurt is your dignity!
For those of you who prefer your beejes without teeth, let the description really sell it to you:
Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead. Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product.
And if you're really feeling kinky/lonely, you can use the Count Cockula with the Twidildo! It will be like having a threesome with RPattz and Vampire Beeehl. You won't need lube since your tears of self-pity will get the Count Cockula nice and wet!
With all that being said, I'd hit it. I'm joking (no, I'm not).
This is an unofficial sequel to The Chinatown MUNI Fight called Don't Fuck With A Big Bitch In A Hot Pink Dress.
Actually, don't mess with anybody on public transportation. This is why you keep your eyes, ears and mouth to yourself. SEE NO EVIL!
A mother and her son didn't abide by those rules of life when they were riding through Los Angeles the other day. They decided to bring the hate and start some shit with the wrong tranny on her birthday. And yes, the tranny decided to give herself a little birthday gift by spraying the kid in the face with mace before disappearing into the night. You know, I think I'm going to walk from now on....
And please don't tell me "macing a kid on the subway" is the new "slapping a kid in Walmart."