Bad Shit

Darrell Hammond took me higher with his Sean Connery act on Saturday Night Live, and apparently backstage he was taking himself higher with massive amounts of Lohan powder and whole bottles of Remy. Darrell writes in his autobiography, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked, that during his SNL days he was a complete stumbling train wreck that couldn't go in front of the cameras unless his mouth crashed into a bottle of cognac. So this is why his Donald Trump impersonation was so perfectly spot-on! This is also why White Oprah just searched "SNL cast member position" on Monster.com

Page Six says that Darrell writes in his memoirs that the fucked up childhood memories that traumatized his brain caused him to find escape in a mountain of coke and at the bottom of a booze bottle. Darrell's desk at work was stocked with Remy and he downed that shit until it "calmed my nerves and quieted the disturbing images that sprang into my head ... when drinking didn’t work, I cut myself.” In the late 90s, Darrell had a mental breakdown at NBC and he had to be wheeled away in a straitjacket to a hospital. When the 2000s began, cocaine started making an appearance during his booze binges and he "had to be creative about how I did it without other people catching on or letting it interfere with the work. At least too much.” One time in 2009, Darrell ended up smoking crack in a Harlem crack house. I can't throw judgmental shade at him for this since I'd probably do the same thing if I had to be Donald Trump for a few minutes every week.

Darrell says he's all cleaned up now thanks to months and months of rehab.

Yeah, I've already seen the public service announcement that says 98.99999% of people who make HAHAHAHAs for a living are knife fighting their demons with broken pieces of crack pipe glass, but this does explain a lot. It finally answers the question, "Why the fuck would you agree to do Agent Cody Banks?"

Yes, Chelsea Handler's nostrils look like they work most nights sucking up what's ever good and she's got the sweats that a bitch usually gets when the last line has been snorted up and her dealer isn't answering his main line, but that doesn't mean shit! But Page Six is still trying to say that Jennifer Aniston's tequila sister was kicked out of a men's room stall for nostril swallowing a little Lohan powder with some dude in gold shoes.

Chelsea's piece Andre Balazs, who owns a bunch of hotels and shit, threw a party on a docked boat in NYC last week and she showed up early in the night. The source says that Chelsea guzzled down holy water (aka vodka on the rocks) when she got there, but as the night called for stronger shit, she disappeared down into the men's bathroom with a dude in gold shoes. A bouncer quickly caught them and made both of them do the walk of shame out of the bathroom.

Chelsea's rep says she was never kicked out of the men's bathroom and this story is a fat line cut with LIES.

Let's say this story is true and Chelsea was doing the Elvira Snort in that stall (she was totally doing the Elvira Snort in that stall), why would she get kicked out? Was is the point of fucking a hotel mogul if you can't do illegal shit at his parties? Chelsea should think about that the next time she does a line off his ass lips. And I guess when you don't have a mirror handy and the toilet seat hasn't been disinfected, a gold shoe is the next best thing to snort a line off of.

There's not a lot of meat to this piece (the post or Tara) but I never pass up a chance to point and laugh at the sober and refined lady Tara Reid. Mostly because I'm JELLIZ of her many fans and glamorous, elegant, not bag-ladyesque-at-all lifestyle, as captured by this article in the New York Post.

Tara is in Atlanta right now shooting American Pie XXVI and was sashaying across the parking lot of a local Walgreens looking in no way broke-down, busted or used. She was just minding her own business, and pushing her little doggie friend Pasha whose collar is REAL AND NOT RHINESTONES thankyouverymuch along in a shopping cart, when she stopped to ask a couple of the local plebians where she could dine on fine Mexican cuisine.

Suddenly this Walgreens manager who obviously does not know WHO Tara Reid is showed up and demanded that she give them their cart back. RUDE! She informed him in a not-whiney-little-bitch voice that she was just borrowing it, but he said NO! they didn't have that many so she snatched her posh pooch up, threw her regal nose in the air and glided away in a huff.

I can't decide what is the best part of this scenario - that Tara has a job, that she was hijacking a shopping cart, or that she got owned by drug store manager. Why won't the Walgreens manager let Tara be great?? Tara, you show their ass and take your business to Dollar Tree next time where they know how to treat a lady of your stature!

I thought I was the only one who carried a Ziploc bag full of cream cheese frosting, but I guess Vanessa Hudgens is right there with me and being at Coachella just really makes he want to eat finger fulls of cake dressing. Or she cuts her coke with Twinkie cream. Or Elmer's glue is a lot stronger than I remember from my kindergarten junkie days. Or it's Suboxone paste. Or it's the white blood of Mickey Mouse. Or it's pure MDMA. Or she figures that the only way she'll get Zac Efron back is if her breath smells like jizz.

Every one of those makes complete sense so let's just say it's a mixture of them all! Get your sugar high roll on, Vanessa!

In this week's National Enquirer (via Boy Culture) are pictures of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's daughter Bobbi Kristina snorting what looks like a runway of the bad shit. On Radar yesterday, they posted pictures of Andy Dick doing the same thing in a car parked outside of a bar in Woodland Hills, CA. This is why you should only do coke in a polling booth, because those bitches will tackle any trick with a camera.

So, the photos of 18-year-old Bobbi Kristina with her nostril on a snort straw were given to the Enquirer by an ex-boyfriend who is trying to shame her into rehab. The leaker tells the Enquirer that coke isn't the only stuff Bobbi Kris messes with. Apparently, she smokes weed, sucks down beer like a Mexican uncle and drinks Everclear. Whitney can cry for the receipts until her tonsils dry up and drop, but the pictures are straight out of the receipt printer.

BUT Bobbi Kris jumped off the mirror and jumped in front of a computer to take to her Twitter and tell her followers that it's not what it looks like. IT WAS SALVIA DUST! From Bobbi K's Twitter:

The pictures_ a former very dear person to me did this. Set me up to make it look exactly what it looks like. God will smite them yes..But it’s really not what it looks like.. People will do anything for money which is extremely sad, and I’m very hurt by this.Thing’s people do these days to hurt others is a shame. All I can do now, is keep my head up high, keep looking towards the lord.All the lord is telling me is be still. That’s all, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. #BeStill.

I love my family so much. My mom just comforted me to the max, and I’m so thankful for her. Thank you so much lord for blessing me with an Phenomenal family and incredibly phenomenal mother. Thank you for giving me the strength to move forward and put things in the past.

And the person that did this was a result of a horrible relationship that went sour. I was in love_ he was in love with money. I’ve learned My lesson. I’m so much greater and blessed for it today, and I believe nothing less. That is the last I will speak of this, let’s praise god And be greatful and thankful for your family, and people that truly love you, strength, courage, and life lessons learned. GodblessUall «3

What she's trying to say is that COKE IS A JOKE! But what she should really do is grab us by the hand and lead us into her Chinese herbalist's store where she will show us the natural powder she snorts for her migraines (file under: stunts I learned while watching Body of Evidence). Now on to Andy...

The person who gave Radar the pictures of Daphne Aguilera filling his nose hole with Lohan powder says they were taken in a car parked outside of the Corner Club. The source says that before this, they walked into the men's room and caught Andy sucking on some chick's tit. Andy did that for about 15 minutes before he and his lady friend walked to the parking lot. The source goes on, “They were in their own little world. He was oblivious to everything except the cocaine and the woman with him. Andy has openly talked to me about committing suicide and he has definitely hit rock bottom at this point."

ANDY DICK SUCKING ON A NIPPLE BELONGING TO A WOMAN? Coke really is a helluva drug. But the other shocking thing is that two sets of leaked coke snorting pictures came out this week and not one of them stars Charlie Sheen. #win-youknowtherest.

And somewhere in California, Dr. Drew is spinning in a circle because he doesn't know whether he should drag in Bobby Kris or Andy Dick. Somebody take a ballpoint pen, poke it in his reset button and point him in the right direction.

via Jezebel, ONTD & Necole Bitchie

If you thought Lindsay Lohan was the only bitch who wrote "professional cocaine snorter" as her profession on her tax forms and wrote off her bags of the bad shit, trips to her dealer, the rolled up dollar bills she uses to snort and the Neosporin she spreads on her chapped nostrils, YOU WERE WRONG! So does Demi Lovato. Allegedly.

Brian Payne, a college student from Texas, tells Life & Style (via NYDN) that at a party in Richmond Hills, TX. last December, he watched Demi snort coke "like a pro" in between getting heavy on a dude named Dave. Blind item solved?

Demi must have gotten an A++++ in Mickey Mouse's "How to Snort Coke Like a Pro" class, because Brian says that she really knew her way around a coke straw. Brian went on to say,"I just remember her doing it [cocaine] as if she had been doing it for a long time. It didn't seem like something new to her."

A different source adds that right before Demi checked into rehab, she was partying like a true Disney ho, "Demi's been on a tear lately. She'll chug booze straight from the bottle."

Chugging booze straight from the bottle! Well, now you have a name for the ritual you do every night before you pass out on your living room floor. "Mom, I can't talk right now, because I'm to go on a tear."

There's a good reason for why Lindsay Lohan sometimes looks like she could be the next cover girl on Faces of Meth Quarterly. TMZ has it on good authority that if LiLo ever called into KOST 103.5, she'd dedicate "You Light Up My Life" to meth. A source tells TMZ that LiLo's "drugs of choice" are meth and opiates.

The source also claims that in addition to the meth addiction, LiLo will also be treated for bipolar disorder when she checks into Morningside Recovery Center in Newport Beach, CA. Morningside was not on the list of rehab joints recommended by two court appointed psychiatrists. But Judge Marsha might have went with Morningside as the facility LiLo completes her 90 days at, because their specialty is getting bitches off meth and opiates.

So we've heard that LiLo gets hongray for Ambien, Adderal, Dilaudid, coke and now TMZ is adding meth to the pile. I'm not going to believe the meth thing until White Oprah denies it to The Insider. When White Oprah denies it, then you know it's true.

White Oprah is probably pulling her dinghy boat out of the garage right now to begin yet another journey down the river of denial...

UPDATE: LiLo's lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley tells Radar that this is made of lies. Shawn said: "The report that my client, Lindsay Lohan is going to be treated for methamphetamine addiction is categorically false. It's a fabrication, 100%. I have never seen anything that implies that my client has an issue with methamphetamine abuse."

I guess if you have to be implicated in a scandal, it might as well be an Italian cocaine scandal, so Elisabetta Canalis has that going for her. Two snorts and a wipe for her! The Italian newspaper Corriere della Sera (via Radar Online) reports that Elisabetta Canalis, who is famous on this side for lounging on George Clooney's face, has found her name in the middle of an Italian cocaine and prostitution scandal dating back 2 years.

Two fancy night clubs in Milan were shut down recently after police discovered that they were running a prostitution whore ring. Basically, a Rachel Uchitel type pimp would bring pretty chicks into the club to entertain the VIPs. The girls' job would be to fill up the dudes with enough booze and coke to make them as numb as a Lohan. Then the girls would show the dudes the price tag on their snatches and they'd all run out of the club for a little paid for fuck times.

Elisabetta's name came up when one of the club's hookers, a model from Paris named Karima, testified that she did coke with Elisabetta on October 21, 2008. Karima never said that Elisabetta was a fellow pussy peddler, but why was she doing the bad shit with her? Not that it matters. I'm sure George Clooney doesn't give a dick if Elisabetta used to be a coke whore or not. George makes sure that he dusts any white powder off his beard before they leave the house.

Meanwhile, my favorite former Georgie Girl, Sarah Larson, was just written up by her assistant manager for ALLEGEDLY stealing cans of Coke from the storage room. Sarah Larson has her own Coke scandal, so take that, Elisabetta!

I haven't seen All About Steve, because unlike me, my DVD player is not a filthy nasty whore who sucks on absolutely anything you put in its mouth. If I shove All About Steve in its mouth, it will spit that shit out as if it was a smoker's jizz load. So because of that I'm not sure if Sandra Bullock really gave Milk of Magnesia's shittiest performance by an actress in a movie, but the Razzie voters thinks so and named her THE WORST for her awful work in All About Steve. And Sandra kept her promise by showing up in person to accept her award last night.

Sandra also brought along a wagon full of All About Steve DVDs for everyone to watch and rethink their decision. Sandra said, "I brought the shooting script. I'm willing to go through page by page, read the line the way I did it in the film and, if anyone wants to give me a line read of how I could've done it better…. We can do this till about 4 o'clock in the morning. Or you guys can just watch the movie and rethink your decision, and I'll show up next year and we can go out for a drink afterward."

Okay, Sandy, you win this time. I'll go ahead and give you an awkward half-hug (our boobs won't touch) for this. However, when your ass wins an Oscar tonight (UGH. AND UGH) for that after-school special, I will go back to throwing you shade. But let's cherish this moment in the meantime.

And here's the rest of the Razzie losers:

WORST PICTURE: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"

WORST ACTORS: All three Jonas Brothers, "Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience"

WORST ACTRESS: Sandra Bullock, "All About Steve"

WORST SCREEN COUPLE: Sandra Bullock & Bradley Cooper, "All About Steve"

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Billy Ray Cyrus, "Hannah Montana: The Movie"

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Sienna Miller, "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL (Combined Category for 2009): "Land of the Lost"

WORST DIRECTOR: Michael Bay, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"

WORST SCREENPLAY: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" written by Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, based on Hasbro’s Transformers Action Figures

WORST PICTURE OF THE DECADE: "Battlefield Earth"

WORST ACTOR OF THE DECADE: Eddie Murphy, "Adventures of Pluto Nash," "I Spy," "Imagine That," "Meet Dave," "Norbit," "Showtime"

WORST ACTRESS OF THE DECADE: Paris Hilton, "The Hottie and the Nottie," "House of Wax," "Repo: The Genetic Opera"

There's a perfectly good reason for why David Cross looks like he has a chronic case of the Lohans in the picture above (with his girlfriend Amber Tamblyn). That's because his nostrils might have just skied down the cokey mountain. In an interview with Newser, Tobias from Arrested Development says that he was dared to snort a line of the white stuff at the White House Correspondents Dinner (which was not held in the White House, unfortunately). David took the dare even though President Obama was only a few skips away. Why so hardcore, David?

David said, “It’s crazy and there’s security, Secret Service is standing there. I’ve got photos of all this. … I’m there and the president is right here and with all these people at the table. Maybe 40 feet from the president of the United States!”

And right after David finished off his line, Dubya popped up from under the table just to "say hi."

UPDATE: And here's the e-mail where David Cross announces that he conquered the dare.

(Thanks Joe)