Bad Shit

There's a perfectly good reason for why David Cross looks like he has a chronic case of the Lohans in the picture above (with his girlfriend Amber Tamblyn). That's because his nostrils might have just skied down the cokey mountain. In an interview with Newser, Tobias from Arrested Development says that he was dared to snort a line of the white stuff at the White House Correspondents Dinner (which was not held in the White House, unfortunately). David took the dare even though President Obama was only a few skips away. Why so hardcore, David?

David said, “It’s crazy and there’s security, Secret Service is standing there. I’ve got photos of all this. … I’m there and the president is right here and with all these people at the table. Maybe 40 feet from the president of the United States!”

And right after David finished off his line, Dubya popped up from under the table just to "say hi."

UPDATE: And here's the e-mail where David Cross announces that he conquered the dare.

(Thanks Joe)

After Adam "Baller" Jasinski won $500,000 on Big Brother 9, he didn't blow the all the money on frivolous shit like food, shelter or charity. No, Adam used his brainpower and invested the prize money in pharmaceuticals. Unfortunately, his investment didn't really pay off, because his ass was arrested for trying to sell oxycodone pills on Saturday night. And unfortunately, there's no stupid ass Golden Power of Veto available to get Adam out of this shit.

MyFoxBoston reports that Adam used some of the $500,000 prize money to buy a Lohan load of oxycodone pills which he planned to sell. Adam flew into Boston on Saturday night after he made a deal with a Massachusetts man who wanted to buy 2,000 pills. Well, the man turned out to be an FBI informant who was wearing a wire. When Adam handed over the pills to the informant, the police jumped in and took "The Baller" away.

Adam was charged with possession of the bad shit with intent to distribute. Adam will have to marinate in a jail cell until his hearing on Thursday. If Adam is found guilty, he could face up to 20 years in the clink (where Big Brother is ALWAYS watching) and a $1 million fine.

None of this is really that surprising since Adam always looked like he had the withdrawal shakes on the show. Dude's eyeballs were so spazzed out that they would enter a room minutes before he did.

And hopefully, this means that the next Big Brother: All-Stars will take place in prison.

Dr. Drew, come and get this woman AGAIN! Tawny Kitaen, a graduate of Celebrity Rehab and one of the original videos ho, was arrested in Santa Ana, CA yesterday for driving under the influence.

Sgt. Shontel Sherwood (hottest officer name of the week) of the Newport Beach Police Department told the Associated Press that she was arrested at 3 in the afternoon after officers believed she was fucked up on booze or the bad shit while driving her Range Rover. Tawny was later released on $2,500 bail.

This wasn't Tawny's first time in a jail cell. Tawny was arrested back in 2006 after the po po found 15 grams of Lohan powder in her apartment.

Okay, I know the bad shit messes with your brains, but why would you get behind the wheel of a car when you're riding high? That is the quickest way to getting caught. Flag down a bus! Hitch on to the back of a truck! Ride a pot-bellied pig! TAKE A KAYAK!

If Robert Smith is having troubles moving his bowels this morning, he should just think of Lady CaCa stuffing mountains of the bad shit into her nose hole while listening to his music. That will help him.

23-year-old Lady CaCa says that after she dropped out from NYU, she spent her days alone in her apartment partaking in a sport called Lohan-ing. She said, "My cocaine soundtrack was The Cure. I loved all their music, but I listened to this one song on repeat while I did bags and bags of cocaine. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me until my friends came over and said, ‘Are you doing this alone?’ 'Um, yes. Me and my mirror'. But I was able to stop, because I was panicking more on the drugs than I was sober. So I’m fine now."

Her poor mirror. And it's kind of funny, because Lady CaCa makes me want to shovel the bad shit into my nose. I have to stick corks in my nostrils to keep from snorting absolutely anything to deal with her fuckery-laced ridiculousness.

Here's Lady CaCa at the Monster Cable Launch party in Berlin yesterday. Bitch looks like Breathless Mahoney coming down from a bad acid trip at an S&M ball. And I loooooove the "Is this thing for real?" look on Dr. Dre's face.

Friends of Kerry Katona say she's jobless, broke and still majorly hongray for the bad shit. They also said that Kerry is having a hard time getting her hands on the Lohan powder, because she owes several dealers a lot of money. Instead of breaking her knee caps or ripping her safe out of the wall, Kerry's dealers have decided to stop serving her. They are no longer returning her calls. Shit just got serious.

One dealer told the Daily Star, “She was such a good customer that she got things on tick. But most of the dealers have turned their backs on her. Some have changed their numbers so she can’t ring. She’s so skint that she still owes some of them money. Nobody is looking for the money back though, they realize her problems are bigger than theirs.”

When even your dealer feels sorry in the heart for you, it's probably time to put yourself in the tank, close the lid and never come out until you're no longer getting the shakes when you watch Scarface. And Kerry's family better clear the house of all products with any kind of chemical in it, because you know that bitch is going to start smoking Drano and sticking NyQuil tampons up her cooze.

Before we start, the true beauty all the way to the right owns this picture and she knows it. Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to messy ass Melanie Griffith.

Melanie's rep tells Star Magazine that she has shuffled off to Lindsay Lohan's old snorting grounds, Cirque Lodge in Utah. Melanie's rep is trying to pass it off like some kind of tune-up. Dude farted in our eyes when he said, "She is there to reinforce her commitment to stay healthy. This is part of a routine plan that was designed between her and her doctors years ago."

But a source close to Melanie claims Antonio Banderas threatened to quit her ass if she didn't quickly back away from the bottle. Those are fightin' words! The source said, "The reason Melanie checked in was her husband was demanding that she get clean and sober. He told her that if she didn't get the help she needed it would be the end of their marriage."

Another source added that Antonio is holding her hand as she tries to get the bad shit demon off her back, "Melanie's struggling right now, but Antonio has been checking in on her as much as he is allowed, making sure she gets back on her feet."

You know, if I had to choose between Antonio Banderas' peen and booze, I'd probably choose the wang too. I mean, a bottle of Jack isn't going to make that pussay pop. Well, unless you put a little lube on the end of the bottle and... Okay, I'll stop.

Drink an entire cup of holy water to cleanse your organs, give them a pep talk and get on the next plane to Mexico, because the bad shit is legal there!!!!!! Sort of. The Mexican government made it legal for you to carry around small amounts of drugs for personal use only. They said they only did it to prevent evil cops from taking bribes from small-time dealers.

You can legally carry the following amounts of drugs in your Lisa Frank fannypack when you're trolling around Mexico: "The maximum amount of marijuana under the new law is 5 grams—the equivalent of about four joints. The limit is a half gram for cocaine, the equivalent of about 4 lines. For other drugs, the limits are 50 milligrams of heroin, 40 milligrams for methamphetamine and 0.015 milligrams for LSD."

In other news, 97% of Hollywood, the entire state of Florida, every person with the last name Lohan and half the bankers on Wall Street just moved to Mexico. ARRIBA!