Don't Fuck With Oldies

Proving that you're never too old (or disabled) to beat a geezer down, two retired football players got into a cane-wielding, flower-slapping old bitch battle at the Canadian Football League alumni luncheon in Vancouver on Friday. This is what the Werther's Original aisle at Rite-Aid looked like on Black Friday. YAASSS! The real-life Grumpy Old Men shit started when 73-year-old Joe Kapp, former quarterback for the B.C. Lions, tried to give his forever arch rival, 74-year-old Angelo Mosca, former defensive tackle for the Hamilton Tiger Cats, a flower. Angelo then said the words his nurse said earlier in the day to him as she handed him a suppository: "STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!" Boom. The bell went off and the Beneficial-sponsored Pepawweight Championship of the Retirement Home was on.

Joe pushed the flower against Angelo's nose and the two went at it as the audience laughed, because priceless comedy IS two old cunts fighting over stupid shit. The only thing missing from this mess is Betty White in a bikini holding up a Round Two card as Angelo and Joe sip Ensure out of sippy cups in their corners. A winner wasn't declared, but when two old ass hos start swinging their canes at each other, we all win!

via Gawker (Thanks to Rose & Tom for sending this Metamucil mess in)

The original hater Andy Rooney let out his farewell rant on 60 Minutes last night and he ended things the only way I'd expect him to end things: by telling his fans thank you, but get off his lawn! Andy's farewell did give me a slight case of the sads on the inside, because when I reach the age when my chin starts to sag so much that it looks like a nutsack is growing from the bottom of my head (I can't wait!) who will tell me that it's okay to shake my fist at the clouds over my hatred of chocolate chip cookies (yes, Andy Rooney hates chocolate chip cookies) and wrist watches?

If I ever run into Andy at a restaurant after I've had brunch while he's having dinner, I will go up to him, because I believe you truly haven't lived until you've been blessed by his crusty old coot side-eye. I didn't know gruffing with your eyes was a thing until I started watching Andy Rooney.

And my mom had to SUCIO up my final time with Andy by asking me over the phone, "Do you think he ever wears pants when he's behind that desk? Old men don't like wearing pants." Who does?! We all do our best work when our genitals are rubbing up against the bottom of a desk.

As some of you may have already dry heaved to, Donald Trump is going around saying that he's considering running for President of the United States in 2012 (Can I campaign for Melania Trump as the next first lady while campaigning against Trump 2012?). Trump was on Today this morning to talk about the possibility of throwing the whore pit viper nest on his head into the ring and how he believes that Obama is nothing but Lilly Dillon in a suit because he has conned us all (insert a picture of Detective La Toya lifting up her monocle). Yup, Trump is a member of the BM.

Whatever thoughts I thought I had about Trump 2012 were torched away and replaced with Bill Cosby's "tuck that bitch in" face when he was also interviewed on Today this morning.

The pepaw treasure who taught me how to love snack pudding was on the show to discuss education stuff and Meredith Vieira just had to bring up Trump's name. Bill Cosby made the same face I made the first time I laid eyes on Olivia's nibbled on brows. If Bill's eyes could spit, they would've. Bill said that Meredith needs to take Trump home and that the only thing he's running is his mouth! This is the kind of grouchy old coot shit I live for! Hear ye, hear ye!

Right? If Bill Cosby wasn't secretary of the United States of Sexual Assault, I'd ask you to rent out office space for the "Hussies 4 Cosby/Warwick 2012" campaign headquarters.

If I ever make it to the age of 92, I hope that like Helen Staudinger I:

1. Know my way around a brown Sharpie
2. Have crazy on my side
3. Am passionate when it comes to the game of love
4. Just don't give a fuck
5. Am not a good shot

You see, Helen's neighbor, 53-year-old Dwight Bettner, refused her a kiss when she asked for one at his home in Ocala, FL last night. Helen did what any horny 92-year-old with eyebrows like a pony's tail would do. She went home, grabbed her gun and shot at his carport four times. One of the bullets was just inches away from hitting Dwight.

Dwight told police that he screamed at Helen to "get the fuck out of his house" when she asked for some lip action. Helen knows Dwight has a girlfriend, but she believes he belongs to her.

Helen was arrested and charged with discharging a gun at a home.

Somebody better get a camera crew down to the jailhouse in Ocala, because I bet Helen does the best rendition of "Cell Block Tango" EVER!!!!

And when Dwight comes running into Helen's carport to get that kiss (which he will), she better raise her pristine brow and tell him to get the fuck out of her house!

via MyFoxDFW

I will not disagree with anybody who says that Gary Busey is a grand master of poetry whose language skills are so advanced that only Teletubbies truly know what he's saying (and vice versa). If NBC published the transcript of every episode of Celebrity Apprentice it would be filed into the American poetry section of your local library and that's partly because of the trailer mix of words that come flying out of his mouth. Well, technically they hit his bumper teeth, bounce off of his tonsils and then they come flying out of his mouth.

Like at the beginning of last night's episode, Gary shook the hand of the CEO of Camping World and said, "I know nothing's free, but my heart to your heart is free. Did you hear that?" POETRY! So beautiful it should be etched into crack rocks. And then Gary left Ivanka Trump completely hypnotized when he dazzled her with one of his homegrown acronyms (example: FREEDOM = Facing Real Exciting Energy Developing Our Miracles). GARY (Geezer Ass Rascal Yapping) is amazing! Not only does he have the face of Fire Marshall Bill, but he spits out the fiery truth too!

With all that being said, the quote of the night belongs to Ms. Dionne Warwick! Dionne Warwick is your run of the mill grouchy old bitch who doesn't give a fuck today and definitely won't give a fuck tomorrow. So Dionne spent 3 hours browsing for placemats and didn't come up with anything. She don't give a fuck! So everybody on the team is mad that Dionne hates deaf people. She don't give a fuck! But Dionne did give a fuck last night when she got in project manager Niki Taylor's face and had a few suggestions for how the team should be run. It ended with Dionne blurting out the line of the night: I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER, HUSSY!

"I've Got Your Number, Hussy!" should really be the name of Dionne's comeback single. I thought "hussy" died with the plague, but Dionne brought it out of its casket and gave it new life! I swear, I just want to piss Dionne off (which isn't hard) so she can call me a HUSSY (Harlots Undermining Sassy Sexy Yodelers).

And let's really end this post with a BANG in the form of Detective La Toya's trailer outfit from last night.

She looks like an Appalachian child hooker circa 1991 who is off to Las Vegas for a better life.

How does one greet the new Commander of the Order of the British Empire (whatever that is)? Do you get on the ground and salute with your nalgas ala Entrapment? Do you graciously bow down while saying under your breath, "The pleasure is mine, me lady...who isn't a minute over 41 and has never lied about her born year..."? Do you throw her a rose made of Botox vials? One thing I know you don't do is punch her in the face. And that's exactly what a paparazzo allegedly did to CJZ as she arrived at her hotel in London after being named the CBE.

In the video above from Entertainment Tonight, CZJ and Michael Douglas walk through a storm of camera flashes and once she gets to the front door of her hotel, she starts hollerin' out, "HE PUNCHED ME! HE PUNCHED ME! I WANT THE POLICE!" Who needs the bobbies when you've got Gordon Fucking Gecko?

If Michael Douglas was a band, his name would be Frail No More (GONG me and I'll call the bobbies), because he threw himself into the army of paps and puffed his nipples at the mofo who dropped a dose of disrespect on his wife.

The police were never called and CZJ's rep only said, "You saw it for yourself." But we really doesn't... You never actually see a pap's fist go into her face, but I'm going to choose to believe her. CZJ would never tell a lie (cut to her birth certificate laughing). I mean, who do we believe? A pap or THIS WOMAN:

Right? A glamour puss in a gold lamé catsuit deserves everyone's respect and trust!

And in today's Twatter battles, we've got Joan Rivers melting in one corner and SamRo sitting in the other corner so mad that she could chew the dick off of David. It all started when Joan stepped up to the mic and made a few funny jokes about Lindsay Lohan's ridiculousness. Well, SamRo apparently thinks she's the only one who can point and laugh at LiLo, because she threw a "You so old the Museum of Natural History Museum wants to buy a lock of your pubic hair" joke at Joan Rivers.

This is what Joan wrote on her Twatter:

Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn't mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.
2:57 PM Jul 9th via web

Lindsay Lohan is so dumb. Her idea of being sworn in is cursing at the judge.
3:38 PM Jul 9th via web

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 Proof.
3:44 PM Jul 9th via web

Lindsay Lohan had "Fuck You" painted on her nails. What people don't know is that the judge had "Eat me you party skank," painted on hers.
about 22 hours ago via web

And SamRo tried to double fan kick Joan in the taint with this:

Hey Joan Rivers- you have collagen older than Lindsay, pick on someone your own age, oh wait, I guess people that old can't hear. #bully
about 16 hours ago via web

Yes, it's true that Joan Rivers eardrums retired years ago and are now carpet bowling champions at a seniors community in Boca, but what does that have to do with her READING SamRo's Tweet? The dumb bitch! SamRo might have a point about Joan Rivers being older than Larry King's first cock ring, but she should save her strokes for something else (leave your suggestions here). Because Joan simply #doesntgiveafuck.

via People

This isn't another Kelly Bensimon post (see below). This is a sad teardrop in the form of a statement that slipped out of Iggy Pop's cotton mouth. Iggy has announced that he is hanging up his stage diving days for good. Iggy made this decision when he landed flat on the floor after stage diving during a concert at Carnegie Hall recently. Nobody caught Iggy!

Iggy said, "When I landed it hurt and I made a mental note that Carnegie Hall would be a good place for my last stage dive. The audience were just like, 'What are you doing?'"

More like, what the hell was the audience doing? Were they afraid that Iggy's skin would come off on their hands like a slow-cooked baby back rib? That would never happen! Iggy's skin was recently re-stretched.

When Iggy jumps, you slather your hands in SPF 100, close your eyes, lift your arms and hope for the best. Poor Iggy. When will his turkey jerky torso ever smile again?

Click here to see a few pictures from Iggy's final dive.

Dennis Hopper was just granted a restraining order against his wife of 14 years Victoria Hopper after his lawyers argued that her presence is messing with his health. Dennis and Victoria are currently involved in a filthy nasty divorce fight while he battles prostate cancer. The judge today ordered that Victoria must move out of Dennis' Venice Beach, CA house by March 11th and stay at least 10 feet away from him, his assistant and his two adult children. Victoria will keep primary custody of their 6-year-old daughter Galen and Dennis will get to visit her 2 hours a day.

Last month, Victoria filed her own papers in court alleging that Dennis is too sickly to know what's going on and his gold digging daughter must be pulling the strings. Victoria thinks that Dennis' daughter wants to cut her out of the will to get a bigger piece of the pie. Dennis' lawyer shot down that claim today, and said that his client knows what he's doing.

Dennis even got a doctor to sign a declaration saying that Victoria's antics are killing him LOUDLY. The declaration read: "The presence of his estranged wife is hampering Mr. Hopper's present cancer care. It is my belief and recommendation that the less Mr. Hopper has to do with his estranged wife at this time, the more likely he is to have his life extended."

I'm pretty sure Victoria is going to have the last laugh here. 10 feet is nothing! That's like two of Tommy Lee's penises. When she's not pretending to be the new Debbie Gibson, she's going to spend the rest of her time shouting, mooning, spitting and flipping off Dennis from exactly 10 feet away.

Source: TMZ

The answer is a loud ass YESSSSSSSSSS!!!! You know, a bunch of you sent me this story, but the best e-mail came from a smart ass bitch who wrote in the subject: "This is you in 30 years." SCRAGS BITCHES! If that e-mailer was a screaming 2-year-old child in a Walmart, I'd slap the smartness right out of them!

So, we all know pepaws are not the one! If they aren't happy with you, they will let you know in the form of a slappity slap slap to the face! That's exactly what 61-year-old Roger Stephens did when he came in contact with a screeching 2-year-old at a Walmart in Stone Mountain, Georgia.

CNN reports that on Monday afternoon, Roger approached a woman whose child was crying as they walked down one of the aisles. Roger, who was probably shopping for laxatives and prunes (the proof is in his face), warned the mother, "If you don't shut the baby up, I will shut her up for you." Roger then walked away.

A few minutes later, the child was still screaming in another aisle and Roger kept his word. He walked up to the child, grabbed her, slapped her right in the face five times and told the mother, "See, I told you I would shut her up." Surprisingly enough, the woman didn't immediately run to Walmart's gun section, grab a revolver and use it to pistol whip that pepaw. No, instead she screamed for security. Roger was arrested and charged with first-degree cruelty to children, a felony. Roger will answer to the charge in court today.

The police said that the child had a "slight redness" in the face. Roger apparently apologized to the mother right before he was put in handcuffs.

We've all been in a situation where a child is trying to kill your soul with a high-pitched screech that will wake the dead. That's why the gods created booze and the good shit. Roger needed to use his hands to light a bong! Smoke a bowl, grandpa! It's not that serious. Let the good shit save you.

And since we're on the subject of screaming children. Here's a video of a woman reacting to a crying child on a plane. When all else fails, throw the child (and their mother) a side-eye the devil would run from.