Twilight

Kinko's will be busier than Lil' Wayne's sperm fishes in the next few weeks, because Twihards and Twimoms (UGH) will be getting all their copies of Taylor Lautner's Rolling Stone cover laminated to protect it from...um...stuff.

IN THIS ECONOMY, Rolling Stone should be maximizing their profits by selling this cover in panties and dildo form. I mean, we already know what those horny Twihards are going to do with this magazine, so Rolling Stone would be saving them from suffering a dozen unfortunate paper cuts.

And if this makes you uncomfortable, just focus on the giant brown peen head growing out of the back of his head. I'm hot helping.

via The Frisky

New Moon made a little over $140 million this weekend, giving it the third-biggest opening weekend of all-time behind The Dark Knight ($158.3 million) and Spider-Man 3 ($151.1 million).

On Friday, New Moon also set the record for the biggest single day opening with $72.7 million. AND it holds ANOTHER record for most advance ticket sales.

My guess is that the massive amounts of extra-chunky panty pudding that were produced while watching this mess also broke records. Seriously IN THIS ECONOMY, Swiss Miss should've been on hand to scoop up the millions of gallons of crotch custard off theater floors. They would've been set for the next 10 years.

Unfortunately, my ass didn't get to see New Moon yet, because movie theaters still don't sell pot brownies, absinthe slushies or peyote-laced popcorn at their concession stands.

Here's the rest of the weekend box office. One of the big surprises is that people actually went to go see Sandra Bullock's busted ass Kathie Lee Gifford wig in The Blind Side.

1. The Twilight Saga: New Moon - $140.7 million
2. The Blind Side - $34.5 million
3. 2012 - $26.5 million
4. Planet 51 - $12.6 million
5. A Christmas Carol - $12.2 million
6. Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" - $11 million
7. The Men Who Stare at Goats - $2.7 million
8. Couples Retreat - $1.9 million
9. The Fourth Kind - $1.7 million
10. Law Abiding Citizen - $1.6 million

Source: Box Office Mojo

Whenever I watch a Miley Cyrus interview, I close my eyes and think of an old lady with pink hair chain-smoking Lady Diamond cigarettes while sitting in front of her trailer on a broken down chair she got on special from Pic 'n' Save. It makes listening to that shit much more bearable.

Anyway, in a recent interview, Noah Cyrus' favorite pole dancing partner was asked if she was Team Edward or Team Jacob. Miley is Team FuckOffTwilight. She explained, "I've never seen it and nor will I ever. I don't believe in it. I don't like vampires. ... I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching my TV at night. I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts. I don't like any of it."

See what I mean? Miley is as incoherent as an old bitch whose diet only consists of Mallomars and wine coolers. I mean, is she talking about Twatlight, Three Wolf Moon, or both? And if Miley doesn't like wolves popping out at her, she better stay away from 70s porn.

via Vulture

A river of popped cherry juice and panty pudding flowed through the streets of Westwood, CA last night during the New Moon premiere. If you live in the area, you might have been wondering why your cats were howling and your dogs were meowing. Well, now you know.

You know what bothers me about kids today? They have no RESPECT for the English language. For instance, look at how that girl in the picture above completely butchered a gorgeous curse word. How do we expect our youth to be the leaders of tomorrow if they can't even curse right? I mean, what the hell is a SHIZNIT? That sounds like something you'd find on the tip of a dick after messy butt sex.

Anyway, here's some pictures from last night's premiere. Some hos were obviously only there for the free photo-op. They are: Shar Jackson, Mary Murphy, 50 Cent, Richie Sambora (with his daughter) and JLove with that Jamie Kennedy dude.

Also at the premiere were Joan Jett (to hold Kristen Stewart's "hand"), one of the wolfies, that hot piece from Glee, the Glee kids, Stephanie Meyer (the bitch responsible for all of this), a homeless man in a fancy suit, Dakota Fanning, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner.

Did Nick Lachey ever has his own doll? Because if he did, it probably looked just like this highly inappropriate (copyright: Carrie Prejean) and unintentionally hilarious Jacob Black doll courtesy of Mattel. Twitards will be able to cuddle with this thing in February for $24.95.

If for some bizarre reason Mattel can't sell this doll, they can tweak it a bit and sell it as "90s Circuit Boy Blaine." Circuit Boy Blaine can work as Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken's pool boy.

via Jezebel

That New Moon shit is almost upon us, which means that the Keeper of the Magical Forest will be doing interview after interview where he's asked about the unicorn refuge on his head and the several layers of sparkly dirt on his skin.

In an interview with New Magazine (via UsWeekly), RPattz was asked about his personal hygiene. The interviewer probably brought the question up because they couldn't help but notice the fly nest on his crotch. RPattz answered, "These jeans are a few days old. But the top is probably fresh because it gets to the point where even I can't stand the air around me. I don't know, my personal hygiene – it's so disgusting!"

RPattz also talked about how he's got the Emos, "I don't think I'm romantic any more. I'm just a bit manic depressive!"

I guess we'd all be depressed too if our nipples holes were crusted shut. But RPattz should cheer up and work with what his body (and not showering for days) has given him! Think of all the amounts of dick butter, ass jelly, nose dingles, taint cream and pit wine he has produced. And think of all the crazed Twitwards who would sell their mother's organs on the black market in order to buy a small jar of his body barf. RPattz would be happier, because he'd have more money in pocket and thousands of maggots would stop following his ass wherever he went. This is a win/win.

Here's Purrell's Most Wanted with the other Twilight kids at a photo call in Paris yesterday.

The world already has the Twilight shower curtain, the Twilight lip chap and the Twilight dildo. So, naturally, we now have the Twilight corn maze. And you can thank Utah for that!

Utah has dedicated their largest corn maze to New Moon which comes out in November. The Deseret News reports that two giant mazes called "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" will open to the public on September 24th and close on October 31st.

Maybe Utah is trying to get all of Twitwards in one place, so that they can trap them in and keep them there FOREVER. Yeah, probably not.

And at least we know that we will never be attacked by aliens. Once they see this fuckery from space, they will know that we are perfectly capable of destroying ourselves without any help from them. They can just sit back, smoke a bowl and enjoy the show.

VIA ONTD

Summit Entertainment released a few stills of the evil vampire clan known as the Volturi from Twilight. Now, I've never read any of the Twilight books, so I'm just guessing they are made of evil based on their shiny Hot Tamales eyes. Speaking of those eyes, director Chris Weitz says they had the ruby red contacts specially made, "They're opaque red, almost like preying mantis eyes. You can't really see into them. There's something terribly off-putting about it."

Um. They paid too much. My goth cholita cousin has contacts just like that and she got hers at the swap meet for $19.99! Yes, one of them made her eyeballs cry bloody tears, but at least her wallet isn't crying. And that's all that matters!

Below are pictures of the rest of the Volturi bitches including: Christopher Heyerdahl as Marcus, Michael Sheen as Aro, Cameron Bright (the creepy kid from Birth) as Alec, Dakota Fanning as Jane and Jamie Campbell Bower as Caius.

If they were wearing creepers and carrying coffin lunch boxes, they'd look exactly like the goth kids at my high school.