Twilight

And I'm not talking about the crotch seizures that the Twihards bust into when watching RPattz break the headboard with his ultimate sparkle strength. Brandon Gephart of Roseville, CA bravely went into a theater showing Twatilight: Breaking Hymens and came out on a stretcher. Brandon's girlfriend Kelly tells CBS Sacramento that during the scene in the movie where Bella pops out her vampire glitter baby, the annoying effects caused him to convulse, snort and gasp for air. No, Brandon was not caught in a fit of uncontrollable HAHAHAs. Dude was having a full blown Epileptic seizure and he didn't stop until the paramedics arrived to take him the hospital. Well, on a positive note, at least he got out of seeing the rest of the movie.

Brandon didn't remember anything until he woke up on the movie theater floor with the paramedics in front of him. This also isn't the first time somebody had a seizure during that mess of a movie. The Hollywood Reporter says that the same thing happened to a dude in Salt Lake City. He blacked out and started shaking during the scene. The man's wife had to slap him several times in the face to try to bring him out of it. Doctors believe that the red, white and black images flashing during the scene can trigger episodes of photosensitive epilepsy. Dr. Michael Chez explained, "It's like a light going off because it hits your brain all at once. The trouble with theaters is that they're so dark, the light flashing in there is more like a strobe light."

So now you can add "May induce seizures" next to "May cause you to laugh your lungs out" and "May cause you to drown your face in a bucket of popcorn to get away from Kristen Stewart's non-stop eye blinking" on the Surgeon General's warning for this shit show.

And I completely believe that Twilight brings out the seizures in a person, because my throat nearly had one when this bowl of cottage cheese laced with fuckery graced my inbox:

Did your coworker in the cubicle next to yours who named one of her 12 cats Edpurr Cullen and who you once caught bidding on a Twilight toilet seat cover call in sick Friday and today? If she did, then the crazy bitch just got caught. Snitch on her! She obviously made her way to the Nokia Theater in L.A. to temporarily move into the Twilight Tent City (aka The Jennifer Aniston Projects) in hopes that some of RPattz's DNA will fall on her tongue as he walks past her on the red carpet at the premiere of Breaking Dawn tonight.

Some of these Twihards have been camping out for the past five days! THE FUCK doesn't even begin to describe. "Oh hi, nana, no I can't make it to your 90th birthday party, because I'll be sleeping on the fucking concrete so that I can see Taylor Lautner in the flesh from 200 yards away. Oh, stop crying, nana..."

If you're in the L.A. area, you better pop open your umbrellas now. In just a few minutes, L.A. is about get a torrential downpour of extra chunky cooch cream that has been brewing inside of hundreds of Twihards for days. Just look at these crazies. Some of these Twihards put on wedding dresses to pose next to a cardboard Edward Cullen, so just imagine what they plan to do when they see the real thing in person. As soon as RPattz's toe touches the red carpet, hymens will break, pussies will explode and a cherries jubilee tsunami will take him out. By the end of the night, he'll look like Carrie at the prom. Well, at least that means hundreds of 30-something Twihards will finally lose their virginity tonight.

Twatlight: Breaking Hymen made a number two on the internet last night by releasing its second trailer and not one second of it has scooted across my eye balls or ear drums. There really is no point. The only reason that Latter-day Saints lady wrote Twilight was so they could make movies, and the only reason the movies were made was so that there could be trailers for Nutty Madam to react to on YouTube. Nutty Madam is the throbbing clitoris of Twatlight. This much is true.

So why watch the trailer when you can BE the trailer and watch as Nutty Madam loses her virginity, gives birth, has a coronary, dies, turns into a ghost and gets spooked by her ghost reflection in the mirror all in the span of just a few minutes. Yes, Nutty Madam is definitely turning up the levels of ridiculousness and the panty putting pot pie she gives birth to might not be made of completely authentic ingredients, but it still wouldn't be Twilight Trailer Day without her.

You know, sometimes when my spirit is broken and I feel like I'm trapped in the middle of a Sam Cooke song, I lift myself up by doing the following:

1. Bring up a Nutty Madam reaction video.
2. Mute it and make it full screen.
3. Take off all my panties.
4. Put on this song:

(Sidenote: Edward and that Jacob trick should really settle their feud with a dance off.)

5. Daaance daaaance daaaaance in front of Nutty Madam.
6. Allow my spirit to turn its frown into a smile as my hot naked dance moves send Nutty Madam on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

You should do the same. Doing this will take you higher faster than masturbating while eating ice cream will. Guaranteed! It will also leave you permanently dry in certain parts, but there's a price for everything!

There was a good reason for why Kristen Stewart's hair last night looked like it got attacked by a family of rabid raccoons who were trying to get to the Funyun bits in her mop that landed there after RPattz threw the bag at her when she finished up the last joint. Because I'm pretty sure both RPattz and Kristen Stewart were inhaling the good shit behind a bush right before the MTV Movie Awards (aka The Let's Jack Off The Cast Of Twilight Awards) last night.

When RPattz and Kristen won the Golden Cup of Dingles Award for Best Kiss, they stumbled around uncomfortably the same way I do when a one-night fuck partner puts the fun on pause to say he's going to use "the little boy's room" (Note: Don't bring up little boys when you're doing big boy stuff).

Then RPattz suddenly remembered his lines and frolicked into the audience to plant a totally staged kiss on Taylor Lautner. The sparkly vamp on llama wolf kiss actually dimmed the gay rumors that swirl around Taylor Lautner, because that shit was about as erotic as the sight of Nutty Madam scrubbing the Twicream out of her Edward Cullen panties in the guest bathroom sink. But I'm sure it still made thousands of 13-year-old Twihards sign up for the vampire chapter of PFlag. Clip (via Rickey) below:

But RPattz didn't stop there! During a tribute to Reese Witherspoon (HA!) with Chelsea Handler and Patrick Dempsey, RPattz gave a speech you usually see from the drunk best man at a wedding (fuck bomb included). It was like watching a train full of glitter vodka and grease teeter off the rails and slowly crash into a rubber chin factory.

Getting bombed to drop a fuck bomb at the MTV Movie Awards is the best thing RPattz has ever done.

Below is the first trailer for Twilight: Breaking Hymens with a Typhoon of Cooch Cream, which I'm sure millions of Twihards have already tried to legally marry on the Internet so that they can scoot naked all over in it in good conscious.

And above is the Twihard of all Twihards, Nutty Madam, giving her reaction to this mess while she's watching it. Nutty Madam took a break from answering phones for Dr. Fleischman to give a full body quivering orgasm that probably made her chair break the same way RPattz broke that damn bed. Yes, Nutty Madam turned up the fuckery for melodramatic purposes since she's an Internet star now, but still. In a matter of minutes, bitch's face is taking us from "falling in love with a puppy" to "watching a puppy get disemboweled."

And then when they get to the sex shit, lord. I bet Nutty Madam's cats were doing the backstroke in a river of panty pudding below her.

Seriously, that shit should be the real trailer.

You can stop clogging up the phone lines from calling organizations to see if part of your donation goes towards saving the Twilight cast, because People is reporting that Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart were all safely evacuated from Vancouver Island today. There was no major threat to Vancouver Island, but a rep says they were shuffled out of there as a safety precaution. But Tinsel Korey, who plays Emily in that mess, still prepared for the worse by Tweeting her final goodbye.

I mean. I just. You know. Are we really living in the age where hos dramatic final Tweetologues end with an emoticon? Just. No words. The end. Hugz.

Meet 49-year-old Cathy Ward, a devout Twihard who is so devoted to her gods Edward, Bella and Jacob that she created a tattoo altar to them on her back. "Well, I guess it's missionary and front cowgirl for the rest of our marriage." - Cathy's husband of 18 years

Cathy, a bakery clerk from Reading, Berkshire in England, spent 22 hours of her time on a tattoo artist's table and £2,000 from her savings account to pay homage to CRAZY...and her idols. Cathy says that she owes everything to the Twilight characters since they helped her lose some chunk. You see, Cathy stopped licking cream off the cakes at work and instead made her own batch of coochie cream from reading all the books. Coochie cream must be loaded with fat cells, because Cathy dropped 14 dress sizes in only 6 months.

Cathy isn't done with Twittoo fuckery, either. Cathy is already making plans to get Edward inked onto her belly. Cathy explains to the Daily Mail, "I love Robert Pattinson. I want to tone up so I can get his character Edward Cullen on my stomach. The way I look at it I could be spending the money on going out drinking and eating but instead I'm spending it on something I am really passionate about. I have got a cross trainer, rowing machine and hand weights and I work out in my spare room which has got Twilight pictures all over the walls. I watch the films or listen to the soundtracks as I exercise. It has worked miracles. I have never been more positive, more outgoing, fit and never had so much fun in my life."

Doesn't it sort of look like Bella is rising out of Cathy's ass crack to kiss Edward? Do with that what you will. You know, I could sit here and waste key stroke after key stroke on judging Cathy's life choices, but I just can't do it. I mean, how can I throw hate at a woman who keeps a beautiful portrait of a ginger kitty over her mirror? Cathy obviously has impeccable taste.

To recap: Cathy has a beautiful portrait of a ginger kitty over her mirror. Your argument is invalid.

To me the cover of the first Twilight book is a warning that turning the first page is the equivalent of biting into a poisonous apple that will leave you foaming at the genitals and howling through the snatch at anything RPattz-related. Well, believe it or not the hands on the cover don't belong to one of Satan's minions. They belong to an actual person who wants it known that she's been an important part of the sadistic cult that has eaten the souls of our youth (and our youths' mothers).

40-year-old Massage therapist/hand and foot model Kimbra Hickey gave an interview to The New York Post about how she's hoping to turn her Twilight gig into something bigger. Psychiatrists can quote this interview in The American Journal of Psychiatry when talking about the mental disease that is famewhorenia. Seriously, this mess is that good. Read for yourself:

Whenever Kimbra sees someone reading the book on the subway, she bothers their asses to let them know those are her hands on the cover. Kimbra put it mildly, "I'm sure they think I'm crazy -- a crazy lady on the subway."

One of Kimbra's favorite pastimes is hanging out at the Barnes & Nobles near her Greenwich Village apartment and attacking bitches who are about to buy Twilight. Kimbra will gladly sign their book or let them trace her hands on the inside jacket.

Kimbra carries a Gala apple in her purse in case a Twihard asks her to recreate the pose live and in person.

Kimbra sells apple-scented hand lotion at Twihard conventions around the country.

Kimbra is trying to track down Twilight's casting director to get a role in the last movie, "If I could get a little background part, it would be fantastic, even if they only wanted my hands in it." Hand jobbing your way to fame: You're doing it wrong, Kimbra.

"Crazier than a Twilight hand model" is the new "Crazier than an unmedicated Twitard."

But Kimbra is still one brave crazy. I mean, one day she's going to run into the wrong amputee Twihard who is going to try to gnaw off her arms with their fake vampire teeth so they can attach that shit to their stumps. "I can't wait!" - Kimbra

Thousands of Twitwards of all ages are soothing their sore and raw vaginas with ice packs this morning, because they simultaneously lost their virginity at last night's Twilight: Eclipse premiere in Los Angeles. Pussies got the seizures like they were being zapped with a taser. I bet the ground outside of the Nokia Theater looks like it's covered in popped and melted chocolate covered cherries. Don't let a memaw near that place, because that is not real chocolate covered cherry goo.

Some Twitards even camped out for days just to get a tiny piece of RPattz and Taylor Lautner. And even though RPattz showed up dressed like a car valet at a Ron Burgundy-themed restaurant, bitches still blew the chocha crema all over the place. I mean, look at that Twihard in the picture above. Bitch just can't help but pretend to give head to an imaginary sparkle peen while in the presence of her wet dream co-star! Give all those bitches the Q-Tip. You can dip it in glitter first if that's how they want it.

Here's more pictures from last night's panty pudding explosion. In order: RPattz, Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart (looking like she was on the wet end of a Tastykake Snowball bukkake), AnnaLynne McCord, Kellan Lutz, Dakota Fanning, Ashley Greene and Nikki Reed (in something she snatched from Johnny Weir's reject pile).

When you can let the most devoted Twihard in the mental ward watch it for you! Nutty Madam is back again to give you her thoughts on the new full-length trailer for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Don't let her "demon devouring your soul" roar scare you off. Just calmly put your throat back in your neck, talk your ears off the ledge and continue watching. Actually, don't talk your ears off the ledge until you finish watching this, because Nutty Madam's high-pitched screeches can wake Marlee Matlin up from her afternoon nap.

Also, don't let your mind wander to the gallery featuring images of what's going on with Nutty Madam's down low area while she watches this trailer. If you go to that place, the doors will lock behind you, and you won't be able to get back. Just don't buy a ticket for that exhibit and you'll be fine. I think.

(Thanks John)