IN THIS ECONOMY

I am not the one to judge a bitch for how they choose to spend their money since I may or may not have been known to spend mine on an autographed Phoebe Price portrait from eBay and a whoopie pie pan (It makes whoopie pie shapes!!!!), but how astronomically fucked in the brain do you have to be to spend the price of two Khias (the rapper, not the car) on some shit designed by the Olsens?! You might as well roll 39,000 $1 bills into a giant butt plug and shove it up your culo, because that's a better way of shitting on $39,000 and it looks more attractive than carrying around a bag that can be mistaken for a giant cockroach with eczema.

Ashley Olsen told WWDD the other day that their high-end line The Row started selling the crocodile-skin bag at Barney's last July and it doesn't stay on the shelves. Ashley stopped prune-ing with her mouth for a second to explain, “It was the first thing that sold off the shelf. During our last economic crisis in the U.S., the only thing that went up was Hermès."

If I had $39,000 to spend on a bag, I wouldn't carry a bag in the first place. A bedazzled kangaroo would carry all of my possessions in her pouch. But if you want to spend $39,000 on a bag, then I'm sure there's higher class shit out there than what the Olsens are peddling. I mean, Lisa Frank makes a limited-edition fanny pack made out of acid penguin hide and that's a better investment than anything sold by the Olsens is. Do you really want to tell people on the street, "Oh, this thing? No, it's not from Wilsons Leather, darling. It was $39,000 and made by those troll twins who got their start by shitting in their diapers on national television!"

And Crocodile skin?! Is that what those evil swindling minions of hell are saying that mess is made out of? Troll, please. We all know that the Olsens are just mutated geckos. They each shed a new bag off of their body every three weeks.

Above is Joan Collins wearing a puffy shouldered jacket (puffed up with the hot air of jealousy her arch rivals blow out when she stomps by looking devastatingly gorgeous) on November 3rd in Beverly Hills, July 27th in St. Tropez and June 17th at Ascot. The same jacket, THREE TIMES! That's some ammunition Krystle Carrington is going to shove into the bullet chamber of her silver lady pistol.

Joan Collins is barred by SAG from playing non-wealthy characters because it's just TOO unbelievable, but even she has felt the economy pinch her where it's not right.

The grand dame of luxurious luxury even admitted that never wears her finest jewels during the daytime. Joan sticks with fraudulent gems she buys at TARGET! Joan cooed this out to The View wannabes on The Talk the other day:

"I like to wear things that aren't real during the day. I don't believe in going round with lots of jewelery because you never know someone could come and grab it. A friend of ours in England, one of the richest men in England I read in the papers today, John Caudwell, was just tied up and robbed because, you know, his wife goes around dripping with jewels. You can't do that."

Julie Chen's ass shouted at her, "Yes, shop at Target."

Back to Joan, "Target, yes exactly. I was there yesterday! Although you would never have recognized me."

And the ambassador of glamour also said that a Botox needle has never made wet love to her forehead before:

"I hate needles and don't like the idea of putting poison into my face and I've seen too many women who have had plastic surgery and facelifts and they look horrible."

No comment about that, but back to the Target thing. Imagining Joan glide past the lubricant aisle while holding a red basket like it's a Birkin bag is almost better than the time my cousin asked an employee at Target if she could take an unopened box of Tampax into the bathroom because she really really really needed one at the time. Bitch promised to pay for it afterward. Dude had to go ask his manager, but he never came back. You know he ripped off that red shirt and shouted "I QUIT THIS EVERYTHING" as he walked to his car.

via Daily Mail

We're in a recession right now and movie theater M&M's are really expensive, so why not let Alec Baldwin and Page Six teach you how to get chocolate deliciousness into your mouth without opening up your pocket book. It's pretty simple. Just annoy the crap out of someone to the point where they are willing to part with their candy. FOOLS!

Page Six says that at a screening for Blue Valentine at the Hamptons Film Festival over the weekend, Alec Baldwin murdered the nerves of those around him by texting during the movie. A source explains what happened next, "He was on his phone the whole time, and the light was disturbing others. But he stopped quickly once somebody started throwing M&M missiles."

SEE! Just text your way to sugary dingles. Yes, there's a chance that they might launch bullets and/or fists at you instead of M&M's, but that's a risk worth taking. Besides, the threat of swallowing your own blood will make those M&M's taste that much more delicious.

The days of OctoMom getting a stack of cash for tabloid covers and interviews with foreign TV stations are long gone. Octo wrote a book, but publishers won't even use its pages to pick the dingles out of their ass cracks. Octo tried to get a reality show, but she's even too trashy for TLC and that's saying EVERYTHING. Octo tried to merchandise the Octo name, but that isn't going to work out either.

Because of all of this, Octo's checking account is as bruised and battered as her uterus. So what's an Octo to do? STRETCH MARK PORN! But before she goes there, Radar says that Octo is going to go on welfare first. A source close to her says, ""Nadya has nannies and huge expenses raising 14 children. She needs a lot of money just to keep up with the basics. And now the income has dried up and she didn't make enough in the past year and a half to live off of it. Nadya will never come out publicly and say she's going on welfare but everyone close to her and familiar with her situation knows that it's going to happen very, very soon. She needs the money. She has no choice at this point. And she's been on public assistance before. There's just no choice. She's running out of money and those kids need to eat."

And if that isn't bad enough, TMZ says that Octo and her 14-strong child army is in danger of getting kicked out of their home for not paying the mortgage.

I watch House Hunters every single night before I close my eyes and dream of Mah Boo feeding me blue cotton candy on a carousel, so I know for a real fact that Octo can buy a 10-bedroom MEGA MANSION in another state for the same price of a studio apartment in Southern California. So Octo needs to throw her litter into the back of a Greyhound bus and head towards (insert the name of a state you don't live in that has a low-cost of living). And if that crazy bitch doesn't want to do that, then there's only one other option: BABY YARD SALE! Maddox is already in line!

Markus, Nevada's first ever legal "prosti-dude", has packed up his peen and quit the ho business after only 2 months on the stroll. Markus started leasing his dick to lady customers at the Shady Lady Ranch back in January, but only 10 women got to leave a wad of cash on his nightstand. And 9 of those "women" were really male politicians trying to put one past Markus by dressing up in drag. I made that up (but it's probably true).

The owner of Shady Lane says that Markus leaving was a mutual decision. She says he has gone back to Los Angeles to do porn. That means you can catch him chewing man ass on Corbin Fisher very soon.

Shady Lane hasn't taken dick off the menu altogether, though. They have hired a dude hooker who goes by the name of Y. Yes, Y. The Y must stand for "Y The Fuck Would Ladies Pay For Dick When They Can Get It From Gerard Butler For Free?!"

Source: LVRJ

Is it too soon for a reality talent show that is looking for a dancer that can move just like Michael Jackson? While we're all screaming "YES," Jermaine Jackson is nodding his Max Headroom head "NO," because he's going to judge one over in the UK. SANTO DIOS!

Later this year, Jermaine will be the main judge on the BBC show Move Like Michael Jackson. The six-episode show will feature dancers who can moonwalk and crotch grab just like the King of Pop. The melting caramel square said in a statement, "Michael was a superb dancer who inspired people across the world to master his moves and create their own unique routines....AND I NEED A CHECK." That last part was improv, just so you know.

The most shocking thing about all of this is that Joe Jackson's hand is not anywhere near it. I sniffed the story thoroughly and didn't smell Blu-Ray dust or bull dog snot, so Joe is definitely not involved.

And there's really no need for this reality show since we all know who has "Michael Jackson moves" like nobody else:

The recession is fucking all of us over, but do we really need to be trading our children in for gas?! That's what a woman in Florida tried to do. Allegedly.

WTSP in Tampa reports that 37-year-old Marcy Pappalardo was arrested after a truck driver called 911 claiming that she tried to sell him her 6-year-old son for gas money. The police questioned the woman and then put her in handcuffs. Another woman who was in the car with Marcy says the truck driver is lying. According to her, the truck driver wanted sexy times from Marcy in exchange for gas money. When she turned him down, he made up the child selling story to get back at her.

The truck driver said the topic of sex was never brought up. Dude went on to say, "You know, I have mixed feelings. To see the kid crying like that on TV was tough. I caused that upon him and I have a kid of my own. But had it been the other way, where would the child be?"

Something in the milk ain't clean about this fuckery. You would have to have used tampons for brains to want to sell your kid for just gas money. I mean, I know a kid can't you get to the bar before 2-for-1 happy hour is over, but selling him for just gas money?! A Slurpee and a Slim Jim were not part of the deal. Talk about selling your poor kid short. How dreadful.

And instead of trading your kid for gas money, train him how to siphon tanks and snatch credit cards. That could be a real precious mother/son bonding moment. There's my parenting tip of the day!

The new Melrose Place is lacking....well....EVERYTHING. What that shit needs is a genuine bitch in a power suit to stroll in there and slap some excitement into it. Well, first they need someone to slap Asshole Simpson, because bitch is always asleep at the acting wheel. Asshole's elbows play a more pivotal role in that show than she does. Those who watch this crap know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, back to the bitch at hand. UsWeekly says that Amanda Woodward will return to Melrose Place to beat ass and take names! Amanda will make her first appearance on the November 17th episode. Amanda needs to take a page out of Kimberly's crazybook and blow that BITCH up again, because they need to start over again.

The show's executive producers issued this statement: "Heather's involvement in the show is something we've been working on for some time as we couldn't imagine creating and producing this show without the iconic character's inclusion."

Now that the light of Melrose Place has returned, maybe that show won't be so damn dark anymore. Like, literally dark. I know most of the new hos on that show are dim bulbs, but that shit is ridiculous! Seriously, turn a light on. Watching that mess makes me feel like I have cataracts.

Er. Well, it looks like Megan Fox's mouth of destruction launched a torpedo of words which exploded directly into her own movie. Box Office Mojo reports that Jennifer's Body opened in the #5 spot at the box office this weekend with just $6.8 million. Even Jennifer Aniston's Entenmann's queef extravaganza Love Happens did better.

For some reason, I thought JB (also titled Megan's Mouth) would've sold a shit load of tickets due to all the pube-challenged fanboys wanting to bust one into their popcorn while watching Megan kiss on Amanda Seyfried and chew on boys. I was wrong.

Here's what the rest of the weekend box office looked like. I know Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is a kids movie, but it sounds like hardcore gay porn featuring plenty of scat scenes. Yes, you can always find me in the gutter.

1. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs - $30.1 million
2. The Informant! - $10.5 million
3. Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All by Myself - $10.0 million
4. Love Happens - $8.4 million
5. Jennifer's Body - $6.8 million
6. 9 - $5,5 million
7. Inglourious Basterds - $3.6 million
8. All About Steve - $3.4 million
9. Sorority Row - $2.5 million
10. The Final Destination - $2.4 million

Image VIA Fangoria

I have no clue what this Takers movie is about, but based on the poster I'm guessing the "something" everyone is after is NECKS! This shit should be called NECK TAKERS, because none of these motherfuckers on this poster have one! Paul Walker sort of has one, but it's hidden underneath that spandex turtleneck(?!!!?). I mean, what in the fuck?! My drunk computer-illiterate uncle, who thinks an ipod is a type of diaphragm (true story), could do a better Photoshop job than this!

I wish Paul Walker would use his GIGANTIC hands to rip that hat off of Hayden Christensen's head, because SamRo has been asking for it.

And part of me hopes the movie is just like the poster. You know, a bunch of cardboard cut-outs hanging around together, boozing, smoking and TAKING!

Source: Coming Soon VIA ONTD